Judith Miller - [Daughters of Amana 01] (27 page)

“Don’t be silly. I want to see inside so I have an idea where Wilhelm used to spend some of his childhood days.”

I heard a woman’s soft laughter as we entered. I squinted, forcing my eyes to adjust to the dim light. Carl said something indistinguishable, and once again the woman laughed. Following the sound of their voices, I continued around the horse stalls but stopped in my tracks at the sight that greeted me.

I gasped, took a backward step, and landed atop Larissa’s shoe.

“Ouch! That’s my foot you’re standing on, Johanna.”

Carl and the woman jumped apart and swirled in our direction. “Johanna!”

The woman stared at me for a moment and then turned her head. I’d never before seen her. She wasn’t from our village, of that I was certain. Anger and disappointment collided as I attempted to maintain a calm demeanor.

“I will need a buggy ready for use after we have eaten our noonday meal.” The strangled words were as much as I could manage before turning on my heel and motioning Larissa outside.

“That was rather embarrassing,” Larissa said. “Still, it’s refreshing to know that love finds a way, even in Amana.”

“Refreshing, indeed.” And I had thought the rest of the day was going to be pleasant.

CHAPTER 21

During our return to the general store, I remained in a haze, unable to comprehend the entirety of what I’d observed in the barn. While Larissa chattered aimlessly about young people in love, I attempted to push aside feelings of anger and betrayal. If Carl and that girl in the barn were an example of young love, I wasn’t certain what that said about his talk of a future with me and truthfulness between a man and woman who planned to marry. Of course, I hadn’t committed to Carl, but he’d been clear that he cared for me—at least I thought he had. I was thankful I’d not mentioned Carl to Larissa earlier. My humiliation would have been complete.

Since we’d spent little time in the barn, Larissa and I arrived at the Küche a short time before the noonday meal was due to be served. We circled around so we could sit and wait on the back porch without disturbing the meal preparations. We hadn’t been there long when Berta scurried out the door and motioned me toward the shed.

“Please excuse us for a moment, Mrs. Ilg. I have a matter I need to discuss privately with Johanna.”

“Yes, of course,” Larissa said.

I nearly laughed aloud at Berta’s perfect manners. She obviously knew how to act the perfect lady when she wanted to impress. I pushed to my feet and excused myself before following Berta. She wheeled toward me. “Did you see her?”

“See
who
?” I’d been working through a haze for the past thirty minutes, and now Berta wanted to play games.

The sparkle disappeared from her eyes. “You don’t need to snap at me.”

“I’m sorry, Berta. It’s been a difficult morning. Who was I supposed to see?”

“Karin—the woman from High—Carl’s friend. She’s here.

Rudolf told me. He met her when he stopped to get the wagon and take it to the dairy barn before his deliveries.”

My stomach tightened into a knot, and my hands quivered. He’d told me his feelings for Karin were brotherly, but his actions belied his words. “Why is she here? Did Rudolf tell you?” I clasped my hands together to keep them from shaking. I tried to understand these feelings that were boiling like a bubbling pot of water. Shouldn’t I be pleased to know Carl wasn’t what he’d pretended before I’d pledged my love? My head said yes, but the pain in my heart told me I already cared.

“Rudolf said she arrived with her father and that he went to the calico mill to help repair something.”

Berta’s explanation made sense. Occasionally men from another village would come to assist when there was difficulty repairing a machine. I guessed that her father’s help had been requested and that Karin had convinced him to bring her along. Yet why would she come here if Carl had been clear with her? And why were they locked in an embrace? In spite of the warm day, I shivered at the remembrance. I hoped that Karin and her father would eat lunch in another Küche.

“Berta!” Both of us turned toward the back porch. Obviously annoyed, Sister Muhlbach swiped her hands on her apron and motioned Berta to come. “I need you in the kitchen.”

I pushed Berta forward. “Go on. You’ll get in trouble on my account, and I don’t want that to happen.” I called an apology to Sister Muhlbach and relaxed when the older woman’s features softened with a smile. Returning to the back porch, I attempted to digest Berta’s news, but my mind jumped from one thought to another.

“I like your friend Berta,” Larissa said as I took a seat.

Her comment yanked me from my jumbled thoughts. “Yes. She’s a nice girl.” I was thankful to hear the bell toll in the distance. Conversation had become difficult since our visit to the barn, and the thought of returning for the buggy made matters all the worse. How could I possibly look at Carl? And what would he say?

I stood. “We should go around and enter the dining room from the front with the others.” Silently I prayed Karin wouldn’t be anywhere in sight. As we rounded the corner of the house, I scanned the crowd and released a relieved breath. No strangers were visible, nor was Carl. Perhaps he’d gained permission to join them at another Küche. I hoped so, for I didn’t want to see him, either.

As we entered the dining room, I saw my mother waiting at her table. She smiled and waved us forward. “You had a pleasant time this morning?”

“Yes. I’ve enjoyed myself very much,” Larissa said.

Mother nudged my arm. “Where did you go?”

I hastily listed the shops we had visited.

“I found some lovely gifts to take home. Louisa asked that I bring her one of the rabbit cookie cutters. The tinsmith was especially kind and gave me one to take to her. She’s going to be very pleased.”

At the mention of Tante Louisa, my Mutter’s smile disappeared. “I’m surprised she talks about Amana. What else has she told you?”

“Not much. She said she has fond memories of her life in Amana, especially the holidays.” Larissa glanced at me. “Don’t forget to tell your mother that we stopped at the livery barn. We’re going to go see the lambs this afternoon.”

My mother brightened. “So you met Carl? A nice young man, don’t you think? He’s asked to court Johanna.”

There wasn’t time for Larissa to respond before we bowed our heads to pray, but she clutched my hand and squeezed until the final amen. “You didn’t tell me,” she hissed in my ear.

“He’s a fine young man and nice looking, too, don’t you think?”

My mother spooned a helping of cottage cheese onto her plate.

Once again Larissa clamped on to my hand. “He was quite busy, so I didn’t meet him,” Larissa replied.

“We can have this conversation another time,” I whispered to my mother. “We don’t want to break the rules just because we have a guest.”

My mother didn’t appear pleased by my suggestion, but at least I’d silenced any further mention of Carl.

“We’ll talk later,” my mother said when we parted outside the dining room. “Give my regards to Carl. And introduce Larissa.”

I didn’t intend to do either of those things, but I didn’t say so. Instead, I smiled and bid her farewell. “Come on, Larissa. We’ll see if the buggy is ready.” I hoped Carl had left it outside, and I wouldn’t have to see him.

“Now that your mother is gone, are you going to tell me about Carl?” Her wispy fringe of bangs fluttered in the light afternoon breeze.

Though I didn’t want to talk about Carl, I could hardly ignore Larissa’s pointed question. I made my explanation brief and hoped she wouldn’t ask too many questions.

She arched her brows. “So this is an arranged courtship.”

“Not exactly, but my parents have been involved. I haven’t committed to Carl. I wanted to wait awhile.”

“And from what we saw this morning, it would appear Carl isn’t completely committed to the idea, either.”

I was thankful she didn’t ask why I hadn’t committed before now. I didn’t think it proper to bring up my letter to Wilhelm and my desire to visit Chicago before I decided upon marriage. What if Wilhelm hadn’t mentioned my request? Or what if she didn’t think it a good idea? We would both be embarrassed.

Even though my love for Carl remained uncertain, I had thought him kind and truthful, a man I could easily love. Perhaps that’s why Larissa’s comment stung more than I’d expected. I couldn’t quell the anger and rejection that now stirred deep inside. How would I ever forget the sight of him in the barn with Karin in his arms? What if Rudolf or one of the other young men had seen them? My cheeks turned warm at the thought. Carl wasn’t what he’d pretended to be—he had made a fool of me.

To my disappointment the buggy wasn’t waiting outside the barn when we arrived. Larissa hesitated at the door. “Would you prefer to speak to Carl alone? I can wait out here if you’d like.”

“No. I don’t want to talk to him right now. If you’re with me, it will be easier.”

Carl was waiting near the doors, and the moment we entered he rushed to my side. “We need to talk,” he whispered.

“Is the buggy ready for us? We need to be on our way.” I stared straight ahead, unable to look at him.

“Johanna, please. I can explain.”

“The buggy,” I said from between clenched teeth. My stomach roiled, and I wished I hadn’t eaten lunch.

“The horse is already hitched. I’ll get it for you.”

I turned on my heel. “We’ll wait outside.”

“He seems genuinely sorry,” Larissa said while we stood waiting outside the barn.

“Sorry? Had that been Wilhelm with another woman, would you be so easily charmed?”

Her smile faded. “No. I don’t suppose I would. Still, you said you hadn’t committed to Carl.”

“And for that I am most thankful.”

Moments later Carl drove the buggy through the double door opening and gently pulled back on the reins. “Whoa, boy,” he crooned. He jumped down from the buggy and grasped my elbow to assist me.

Twisting free of his hold, I moved toward the buggy. “Assist Larissa. I can get in and out of a buggy without your help.”

He took a step closer. “Please say you’ll talk to me later this evening,” he whispered.

I hoisted myself up into the buggy, no longer caring if Larissa heard our conversation. “You have nothing to say that interests me.”

I turned toward Larissa, who was concentrating on straightening her skirt. “Ready?”

“Yes. Whenever you are.”

I slapped the lines against the horse’s back. “Walk, Jack.”

“He understands you.” Larissa grinned, obviously impressed the horse had followed my command.

“Too bad Carl isn’t as well behaved as this horse,” I muttered.

For so long I had looked forward to meeting Larissa, and now it seemed nothing would go right. Between Mother and Carl, the excitement of this visit had lost much of the anticipated luster. At least there should be no unexpected surprises on the visit to East, and seeing the lambs would provide a good diversion—and an opportunity to ask about Louisa’s baby.

We were well on the way when I gathered my courage. “I wondered if Tante Louise wanted the cookie cutter because she will one day want to make the rabbit cookies for her baby.”

Larissa stared at me. “A baby? Louisa?”

I nodded. “I understand she has a baby.”

“Wherever did you hear such a thing? You’re the only baby Louisa has ever had.”

I gasped. “What did you say?”

She clapped a hand to her mouth and shook her head. “I’m sorry.” She continued to repeat the muffled apology until I yanked her hand away from her mouth.

“What do you mean? Tell me!” I pulled back on the reins. “Whoa, Jack.” The horse clopped to a halt, and I turned to face –Larissa. “Are you telling me that you think Louisa is my mother?”

Larissa stared at me, her eyes brimming with tears. “I’m so sorry. I promised I’d never tell. And I didn’t mean to. It slipped out. Oh, what am I going to do? Wilhelm will never forgive me. Your parents will never forgive me. Your mother will never speak to me again.”

“Stop!”

She gulped a breath of air. “Please forgive me.”

“Larissa, I want you to quit asking me to forgive you and tell me what you’re talking about. Louisa is my mother? Are you certain?”

She bobbed her head. “Yes. The family agreed you would grow up as Frank and Emilie’s daughter. No one was ever to know. Louisa left Amana and went to Iowa City until you were born. About a year after your birth, she left Iowa City and moved to Chicago.”

I felt as though I might faint. None of this could be true. Surely it was impossible. How could I have grown up in Amana and been blind to the truth? Never had I heard an inkling of gossip, nothing that had ever caused me to wonder about my parents. I cupped my forehead in my hand. “Who knows this?”

Perspiration dotted Larissa’s face, and she reached into her reticule for a handkerchief. “I don’t think anyone but your family.”

That made no sense. Others had to have known. My parents couldn’t have suddenly appeared with a baby. Questions would have been asked. My mind reeled, and once again I felt lightheaded. My entire life was a lie.

Larissa wrung the handkerchief around her fingers. “Maybe I misunderstood. Let’s don’t say anything and pretend I never mentioned a word of this.”