Judith Miller - [Daughters of Amana 01] (28 page)

I looked directly into her pale blue eyes, incredulous she could even put voice to such a farfetched comment. “I’m sorry, Larissa, but I can’t simply push this from my thoughts. I know you didn’t intend to break your confidence or to hurt me in any way, but this is something I must discuss with my parents.” I picked up the reins and flicked the horse’s rump. “Walk, Jack.”

“They’ll never forgive me,” she whispered. “I know they won’t.

I can only hope that Wilhelm won’t hold this against me.”

I ignored her plaintive remarks. She was trying to sway my decision, but I couldn’t disregard what she’d told me. Yet if there was any possibility she’d misunderstood, great damage could be done if I wrongfully accused my parents. “Perhaps I should speak to Wilhelm before I say anything to my parents. Just to be sure.”

She bobbed her head. “Yes, that might be better. Maybe if he answers your questions, it won’t be necessary to say anything to your mother and father.”

I didn’t agree, but I didn’t say so. If my parents weren’t really my mother and father, there was nothing Wilhelm could say or do to suppress the need for a confrontation with them. If Larissa was correct and my entire life was based upon deceit and lies, whom could I trust? Throughout the remainder of the afternoon, I considered what questions I would ask Wilhelm and what I would do if Larissa’s claim was true. At first I told myself it changed everything. Later, I thought it might change nothing.

Wilhelm and my father were scheduled to return by late afternoon. I hoped Father would be at the barn by the time we returned the buggy. Carl wouldn’t dare say anything in front of him. And though the pleasure of seeing the new lambs had diminished, we remained in East for several hours—until I thought Wilhelm and Father would be back in Middle.

“You need to arrange for me to speak alone with Wilhelm. Could you suggest he go to the hotel so we could talk there?”

Larissa agreed the hotel would be best. “Let’s hope your father doesn’t decide to come along.”

“He won’t. After being gone from work all day, he’ll want to make certain everything is in order upon his return.”

I sighed with relief when I saw Wilhelm standing next to my father outside the barn. At least one thing had gone as planned. Larissa smiled and waved to Wilhelm, though I could see her smile was forced. She kissed his cheek as he helped her down from the buggy.

Wilhelm’s brows furrowed. “You feel warm. I hope you didn’t get too much sun. Are you feeling ill?”

“Just a bit tired. I was hoping you would escort Johanna and me to the hotel. She’s had little time to visit with you, and we thought it would be nice if the three of us could spend some time together.” She turned to my father. “I’m sure you have work that needs your attention before supper.”

“Ja. The three of you go to the hotel and have your visit. I need to speak with Carl and make certain there were no problems while I was gone.”

I grinned at Larissa. If nothing else, at least I’d been correct about my father’s reaction. While we walked to the hotel, Larissa regaled Wilhelm with tales of our shopping and the places we had visited. I thought she sounded artificial and insincere, but Wilhelm didn’t seem to notice. He hung on her every word and appeared amused to hear about the lambs.

“I’m pleased you enjoyed yourself. And how about you, Johanna?

Did you have a pleasant day?”

“It has been one of the most memorable days of my life.”

“I’m very glad to hear my two favorite ladies have become friends,” he said, unlocking the door to their hotel rooms. He stepped back and waited while Larissa and I entered.

“Johanna met with some unexpected news on many fronts,”

Larissa said. She glanced in my direction as Wilhelm directed her toward the divan.

His eyes shone with delight when he looked at her. “Then you must tell me what happened, Johanna. Life in Amana doesn’t usually present surprises.”

Though I’d been told all of the hotel rooms were nice, this one boasted a finely appointed sitting room that was larger than the one in our home. I was certain they had rented the most expensive rooms in the hotel. Larissa and Wilhelm sat side by side on the upholstered horsehair sofa. I chose a chair to Wilhelm’s right. I looked to Larissa for direction, but she kept her gaze fastened to the floor.

“You met Carl when you were at the barns?” I asked.

Wilhelm nodded. “I did. Father seems to like him very much, says he’s a good worker and a good man.”

“Ja. I thought he was a good man, too.” I blurted what I’d seen in the barn, the picture still vivid in my mind. “I was overcome and thankful to have Larissa with me.”

“I’m sorry, Johanna.” I heard the concern in his voice. “Have you thought that maybe there’s more to what happened? You should consider speaking to Carl. There may be some explanation. Larissa can tell you that men sometimes make foolish mistakes.”

Larissa patted her husband’s hand. “Johanna needs time to come to her own decision, Wilhelm. This has been a difficult day. Give her time.”

Wilhelm nodded and squeezed Larissa’s hand. “I’m pleased that the two of you have gotten on so well. I told Larissa the two of you would become fast friends, but I don’t think she believed me.”

“Indeed, Larissa and I have become friends, Wilhelm. We’ve had much to talk about. She’s told me many things about Chicago.”

“Today it was me who made a foolish mistake, Wilhelm.” Larissa reached for his hand. “I told her about Louisa. It was a mistake—I swear I didn’t mean to. We were talking, and it just slipped out.”

A deafening silence fell over the room. Not a muscle in my brother’s body moved as he stared at her. Finally he turned, and I saw the horror in his eyes. It was true. All these years they’d hidden my identity. All these years I’d thought my parents were honest, and truthful, and dependable. This moment that image shattered.

Wilhelm’s complexion paled, and he scooted to the edge of the sofa. “Listen to me, Johanna. They thought it was best—for everyone. For you, for Louisa, for Mutter and Vater. I understand that to find out like this is a terrible blow, but you know that they love you the same as they love me. They think of you as their own. What Larissa has told you changes nothing.”

I stared at him in disbelief. “Changes nothing? It changes everything, Wilhelm! I don’t even know my own Mutter. And who is my Vater?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. Louisa never told me.”

“She’s never even bothered to come and see me.” The profundity shook me to the core. How could she ignore her own flesh and blood? Never care to speak to me or know my thoughts.

“Don’t blame her too much. She was unmarried when you were born, and she wanted to be certain you would have good parents.

She asked Mutter and Vater to raise you as their own. They agreed on the condition that she would remain out of your life and no one know you were her child.”

I cupped my hands over my face, unable to fathom the totality of what I was hearing. “Why didn’t anyone in Amana ever tell me? Others had to know. If this is true, one of them would have mentioned this to me years ago.” How could something so impossible be true?

“Louisa moved to Iowa City as soon as she realized she was pregnant. After the agreement was made, Mutter told several women she was expecting a child. As time passed, she added some padding here and there. No one suspected anything. Vater and I went to Iowa City and brought you home. Any questions were easily explained away.”

“And Louisa went off to live a good life in Chicago.”

“No. She had a very difficult time for the first few years of your life. She wanted to return, but she’d given her word. And if she had asked to return and live in one of the other villages, people would have asked questions.” He rested his arms atop his legs. “Louisa has a comfortable life, but she has paid dearly for her past. She and her husband have never been able to have another child. None of us meant to hurt you.” Shoulders bent low and head bowed, Wilhelm clasped his hands together.

After years of lies, his words rang hollow. Forgiveness for any of them didn’t rise to the surface. But in that moment one thing became clear: I must meet Louisa, talk to her, and learn for myself the entire truth of this unbelievable tale. I couldn’t grasp the depth of what I’d heard. My stomach churned, and I pressed my palm to my midsection.

“When you answered my letter, you didn’t say anything about having me come to Chicago for a visit. Why is that, Wilhelm?”

“It would be difficult—for everyone.” Slowly he lifted his head. “Larissa and I would enjoy your company. She has spoken of nothing else since she learned of your request, but—”

“But what, Wilhelm? Mutter and Vater wouldn’t approve? Are you afraid they’ll be angry with you? What about me? All of you have kept this secret from me. Don’t I have a right to meet Louisa? To at least spend a little time with her?”

Beads of perspiration dotted Wilhelm’s forehead, and he reached for his handkerchief. “Now that you know, it might be better if Louisa came here. I can speak to her and to Mother and Father— see if they all agree.”

“If
they
all agree? This should be
my
choice.” Tears threatened and I swallowed hard. I didn’t want to cry. “I am not a child. This would be the perfect time for me to visit Chicago. It will help me forget about Carl and Karin, I can meet Louisa, and I can travel with you and Larissa. How can you deny this isn’t the best time?”

He waivered for a moment, and I thought he was going to agree. “If you appeared without any notice, it would come as a terrible shock to Louisa.”

My resolve failed, and a tear trickled down my cheek. “And you think this has not been a shock to me, Wilhelm? I think they did what was easy for them, not what was gut for me.”

CHAPTER 22

I listened and tried to understand Wilhelm’s pleas and explanations. He did his best to convince me that Louisa wanted to meet me; that her sorrow ran deep; that she’d done the best she could under the circumstances; that had she remained in Amana, her disgrace would have been unbearable.

“You need to remember that people make mistakes. Our parents thought they were doing what was best for you. You became their daughter. I don’t know what Mother would have done if she hadn’t had you when Pieter died.”

One after another the excuses rolled off his tongue. One after another I dismissed them and wondered what other family secrets I might discover before I died.

Anger and pain joined forces and settled on my chest with an unbearable weight. I tried to inhale a full breath but instead managed only a ragged, shallow gasp. Except for a few hours of shopping, the entire day had been a disaster. I gave in to my emotions and permitted the tears to roll down my cheeks unchecked. Wilhelm folded my hands between his and gently squeezed, a gesture I considered his silent plea to forgive all of them.

“To remain locked in anger won’t change the past, Johanna.

Nothing any of us say or do can roll back time and start again.”

“I understand nothing can change the past, but I thought our family lived a life based on truth. We grew up being told we should never lie or deceive others. My entire life is a lie, Wilhelm. Can’t you see that? And you chose Louisa over me. For all these years you thought it more important to protect her lie rather than speak the truth.”

He shook his head. “I have protected you, as well, Johanna. Learning the truth has created nothing but havoc. It would have done the same if you’d heard it when you were a young girl—the time never would have been right to disclose the truth. No matter your age, you would have suffered from pain and confusion. I thought it better that you go to the grave never knowing. But we can’t change what has happened.”

“I’m so sorry, Wilhelm,” Larissa murmured. “Your parents will never forgive me. They’ll never want me to come back here again.”

Wilhelm sat back and stared across the room. “I’ll take responsibility. It’s because of me that this happened. I’m the one who told you, so the blame should fall upon my shoulders.”

I swiped the tears from my cheeks. “Half-truths, lies, and secrets. Is that what our family has become? Are we so unsure of our love for one another that we must tell lies to protect our bond? That doesn’t say much for the faith we proclaim as the center of our lives.”

Wilhelm clenched his jaw. “Don’t preach to me about faith, Johanna. I don’t see you following the Bible’s teachings in regard to forgiveness.”

His words were like a sharp blow. How could he speak about my lack of forgiveness only minutes after I’d heard this shattering news? “You’re right. I don’t feel any forgiveness. Perhaps one day I will. Perhaps,” I whispered.

Larissa clutched Wilhelm’s arm. “I think Johanna should come with us to Chicago. After she speaks to Louisa, she might more fully understand.” There was a tremor in her voice.

I believe Larissa wanted to help right the wrong.

Wilhelm nodded. “You may be right. Let me think on this awhile longer.”

The supper bell tolled, and the three of us paraded out of the room, each of us burdened by the conversation that must take place later. After this evening I knew nothing would ever be the same between my parents and me. Would our bond grow stronger or be permanently broken? Only time could tell.