Junie B. Jones and a Little Monkey Business (4 page)

“We had delicious waffles for breakfast,” I said. “And I had five of them. Only my grampa didn’t know where I put them all. Except I put them way in here.”

Then I opened my mouth and showed Principal where my waffles went.

After that, I told him how my grandma Miller came home from the hospital. And she told me I had a monkey brother. For really and honest and truly.

“And so then I told the children at Show
and Tell,” I said. “And at recess Lucille and that Grace started giving me lots of pretty stuff. Because they wanted to be first to see him.

“Except too bad for me,” I said. “Because when we came inside, Mrs. found out about the snack tickets. And then that dumb Grace shot off her big fat mouth about her shoes. And so I got marched down here. And I had to sit in the bad kid’s chair.”

Then I smoothed my skirt. “The end,” I said nicely.

Principal rubbed his head that looks like rubber.

“Junie B., maybe we should go back to when your grandmother came home from the hospital,” he said. “Can you remember
exactly
what she said about your brother being a monkey?”

I scrunched my eyes real tight to remember.

“Yes,” I said. “Grandma Miller said he was the cutest little monkey she ever saw.”

Then Principal closed his eyes. “Aaah,” he said kind of quiet. “Now I get it.”

After that, he smiled a little bit. “You see, Junie B., when your grandmother called your brother a little monkey, she didn’t mean he was a
real
little monkey. She just meant he was, well…cute.”

“I know he’s cute,” I said. “That’s because all monkeys are cute. Except for I don’t like the big kind that can kill you.”

Principal shook his head. “No, Junie B., that’s not what I mean. I mean your brother isn’t really a monkey at all. He’s just a little baby boy.”

I made a frowny face. “No, he is
not
a
little baby boy,” I told him. “He’s a real, alive, baby monkey with black hairy fur and long fingers and toes. You can ask my grandma Miller if you don’t believe me.”

And so guess what Principal did then? He called her, that’s what! He called Grandma Miller right up on the phone!

And then he talked to her. And then I talked to her too!

“Hey, Grandma!” I said very shouty. “Guess what just happened down here? Principal said that my baby brother isn’t a real, alive monkey. Only he is. ’Cause you told me that. Remember? You said he was a monkey. For really and honest and truly.”

Then Grandma Miller said she was very sorry. But she didn’t mean he was a
real
monkey. She just meant he was
cute
.

Just like Principal explained to me.

And so then I felt very droopy inside.

“Yeah, only what about all of his black hair? And his long fingers and toes?” I said. “And what about his bed that looks like a cage? And the wallpaper with his jungle friends on it?”

But Grandma Miller kept on saying that my new brother was just a regular cute baby. And so finally I didn’t want to talk to her anymore. And I hanged up the phone.

Then I bended my head way down. And my eyes got a little bit of wet in them.

“Darn it,” I said very quiet.

After that, Principal gave me a tissue. And he said, “I’m sorry,” to me.

Then he held my hand.

And me and him walked back to Room Nine.

Principal went into Room Nine with me.

Then he clapped his giant hands together.

“Boys and girls? May I please have your attention?” he said. “I would like to explain what happened during Show and Tell today. It’s about Junie B. Jones and her new baby brother.”

Just then that Jim I hate jumped right up out of his chair.

“He’s not a monkey, is he?” he shouted very loud. “I knew it! I knew he wasn’t a monkey!”

I made a big fist at him. “HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THIS UP YOUR NOSE, YOU BIG DUMB JIM?” I hollered.

Then Principal frowned at me. And so I smiled.

“I hate that guy,” I said nicely.

After that, Principal took a big breath.

“Boys and girls, there’s a good reason why Junie B. told you that her baby brother was a monkey,” he said.

“Yeah! It was all my grandma Miller’s fault!” I interrupted. “Because she told me that my brother was a
little monkey
. Only she didn’t mean he was a
real
little monkey. She just meant he was cute. Only who the heck knew that dumb thing?”

Principal made another frown at me. Then he talked some more.

“You see, boys and girls,” he said. “Sometimes adults say things that can be very confusing to children. Like what if you heard me talking about a
lucky duck?
You might think I was talking about a real live duck. But
lucky duck
just means a lucky person.”

“Right,” said Mrs. “And when we call someone a
busy bee
, we don’t mean he’s a real bee. We just mean he’s a hard worker.”

“Hey! I just thought of another one!” I said very excited. “A dumb bunny isn’t a real alive bunny, either! It’s just a plain old dumb guy!”

Then my friend Lucille raised her hand.

“I’ve got one, too,” she said. “Sometimes my nanna calls my daddy a couch potato. Only he’s not a real potato. He’s just a lazy bum.”

“Yeah, and I’m not a big pig,” said my new boyfriend Ricardo. “But my mom says I eat like one.”

After that, a whole bunch of other kids said they eat like big pigs, too.

Only a boy named Donald said he eats like a horse.

And crybaby William eats like a bird.

Just then it was time for the bell to ring. And so me and Principal said bye-bye to each other. And I went to my seat.

Then I gave Lucille back her red chair. She was very nice to me.

“I’m sorry that your brother isn’t a real monkey, Junie B.,” she said.

“Thank you, Lucille,” I said. “I’m sorry that your daddy isn’t a real potato, too.”

After that, the bell rang for us to go home.
And so me and Lucille and that Grace held hands. And we walked outside together.

Only then a very wonderful thing happened!

And it’s called—I heard my mother’s voice!

“JUNIE B.! JUNIE B.! OVER HERE, HONEY. DADDY AND I ARE OVER HERE!”

Then I looked in the parking lot. And I saw her! And so I runned to her speedy quick. And then me and Mother hugged and hugged. Because I hadn’t seen her for a very whole day!

Then my daddy got out of the car. And he had a little yellow blanket in his arms. And guess what was in that thing?

My new baby brother, that’s what!

He was very teeny. And pinkish. Except his head had a lot of black hair on it.

I touched it. It felt like fuzzy.

Just then Ricardo walked by. And he saw my teeny brother.

“Cool hair,” he said.

I smiled very big. “I know it, Ricardo,” I said. “And guess what else? He doesn’t even smell like P.U.”

After that I got in the car. And I told
Mother about Lucille’s locket. And she said maybe I could get a locket, too. And I could put my brother’s teeny head in there.

“Yes. And I would also like some pink high tops, please,” I said very polite.

“Maybe,” said Mother.

“Oh boy!” I said.

’Cause
maybe
doesn’t mean no! That’s why!

And so then I lifted up the blanket. And I peeped at my baby brother one more time.

“So what do you think of him, Junie B.?” said Mother.

I smiled very big. “I think he’s the cutest little monkey I ever saw,” I said.

Then Mother laughed.

And I laughed, too.