Junie B. Jones and a Little Monkey Business

My name is Junie B. Jones. The B stands for Beatrice. Except I don’t like Beatrice. I just like B and that’s all. B stands for something else, too.

B stands for B-A-B-Y.

I’m only in kindergarten. But I already know how to spell B-A-B-Y. That’s because my mother told me that she is going to have one of those things.

She and Daddy told me about it at dinner one night. It was the night we had stewed tomatoes—which I hate very much.

“Daddy and I have a surprise for you, Junie B.,” said Mother.

And so then I got very happy inside. Because maybe I didn’t have to eat my stewie pewie tomatoes.

And also sometimes a surprise means a present! And presents are my very favorite things in the whole world!

I bounced up and down on my chair.

“What is it? Is it all wrapped up? I don’t see it,” I said very excited.

Then I looked under the table. Because maybe the surprise was hiding down there with a red ribbon on top of it.

Mother and Daddy smiled at each other. Then Mother held my hand.

“Junie B., how would you like to have a little baby brother or sister?” she said.

I made my shoulders go up and down.

“I don’t know. Maybe,” I told her.

Then I looked under my chair.

“Guess what?” I said. “I can’t find that silly willy present anywhere.”

Mother made me sit up. Then she and my daddy said some more stuff about a baby.

“The baby will be yours, too, Junie B.,” Daddy said. “Just think. You’ll have your very own little brother or sister to play with. Won’t that be fun?”

I did my shoulders up and down again. “I don’t know. Maybe,” I said.

Then I got down from my chair and ran into the living room.

“BAD NEWS, FELLAS!” I hollered very loud. “THE PRESENT ISN’T IN THIS
DUMB BUNNY ROOM, EITHER!”

Mother and Daddy came into the living room. They didn’t look that smiley anymore.

Daddy took a big breath. “There is no
present
, Junie B.,” he said. “We never said we had a present. We said we had a
surprise
. Remember?”

Then Mother sat down next to me. “The surprise is that I’m going to have a
baby
, Junie B. In a few months you’re going to have a little baby brother or sister. Do you get what I’m saying yet?”

Just then I folded my arms and made a grumpy face. ’Cause all of a sudden I got it, that’s why.

“You didn’t get me a darned thing, did you?” I said very growly.

Mother looked angry at me. “I give up!” she said. Then she went back into the kitchen.

Daddy said that I owed her a ’pology.

A ’pology is when I have to say the words
I’m sorry
.

“Yes, but she owes me a ’pology, too,” I said. “Because a baby isn’t a very good surprise.”

I made a wrinkly nose. “Babies smell like P.U.,” I explained. “I smelled one at my friend Grace’s house. It had some spit-up on its front. And so I held my nose and hollered, ‘P.U.! WHAT A STINK BOMB!’ And then that Grace made me go home.”

After I finished my story, Daddy went into the kitchen to talk to Mother.

Then Mother called me in there. And she said if the baby smells like a stink bomb, she will buy me my very own air freshener. And I can spray the can all by myself.

Except not on the P.U. baby.

“I would like the one that smells as fresh as a Carolina pine forest,” I said.

Then me and Mother hugged. And I sat back down at the table. And I finished eating my dinner.

Except not my stewie pewie tomatoes.

And so guess what?

No dessert, that’s what.

Mother and Daddy fixed up a room for the new baby. It’s called a nursery. Except I don’t know why. Because a baby isn’t a nurse, of course.

The baby’s room used to be the guest room. That’s where all our guests used to sleep. Only we never had much guests.

And so now if we get some, they’ll have to sleep on a table or something.

The baby’s room has new stuff in it. That’s because Mother and Daddy went shopping at the new baby stuff store.

They bought a new baby dresser with green and yellow knobs on it. And a new baby lamp with a giraffe on the lamp shade. And also, a new rocking chair for when the baby cries and you can’t shut it up.

And there’s a new baby crib, too.

A crib is a bed with bars on the side of it. It’s kind of like a cage at the zoo. Except with a crib, you can put your hand through the bars. And the baby won’t pull you in and kill you.

And guess what else is in the nursery? Wallpaper, that’s what! The jungle kind. With pictures of elephants, and lions, and a big fat hippo-pot-of-something.

And there’s monkeys, too! Which are my most favorite jungle guys in the whole world!

Mother and Daddy pasted on the wallpaper together.

Me and my dog Tickle were watching them.

“This wallpaper looks very cute in here,” I told them. “I would like some of it in my room, too, I think. Okay?” I said. “Can I? Can I?”

“We’ll see,” said Daddy.

We’ll see
is another word for no.

“Yeah, only that’s not fair,” I said. “’Cause the baby gets all new junk and I have all old junk.”

“Poor Junie B.,” said Mother very teasing.

Then she bended down and tried to hug me. Only she couldn’t do it very good. Because of her big fat stomach—which is where the stupid baby is.

“I don’t think I’m going to like this dumb baby,” I said.

Mother stopped hugging me.

“Don’t say that, Junie B. Of course you will,” she said.

“Of course I won’t,” I talked back. “Because it won’t even let me hug you very good. And anyway, I don’t even know its stupid dumb name.”

Then Mother sat down in the new rocking chair. And she tried to put me on her lap. Only I wouldn’t fit. So she just holded my hand.

“That’s because Daddy and I haven’t picked a name for the baby yet,” she explained. “We want a name that’s a little bit different. You know, something cute like Junie B. Jones. A name that people will remember.”

And so I thought and thought very hard.
And then I clapped my hands together real loud.

“Hey! I know one!” I said very excited. “It’s the cafeteria lady at my school. And her name is Mrs. Gutzman!”

Mother frowned a little bit. And so maybe she didn’t hear me, I think.

“MRS. GUTZMAN!” I hollered. “That’s a cute name, don’t you think? And I remembered it, too! Even after I only heard it one time, Mrs. Gutzman sticked right in my head!”

Mother took a big breath. “Yes, honey. But I’m not sure that Mrs. Gutzman is a good name for a tiny baby.”

And so then I scrunched my face up. And I thought and thought all over again.

“How ’bout Teeny?” I said. “Teeny would be good.”

Mother smiled. “Well, Teeny might be cute while the baby was little. But what would we call him when he grows up?”

“Big Teeny!” I called out very happy.

Then Mother said, “We’ll see.”

Which means no Big Teeny.

After that, I didn’t feel so happy anymore.

“When’s this dumb bunny baby getting here anyway?” I said.

Mother frowned again. “The baby is not a dumb bunny, Junie B.,” she said. “And it will be here very soon. So I think you’d better start getting used to the idea.”

Then her and Daddy began pasting wallpaper again.

And so I opened the new baby dresser with the green and yellow knobs. And I looked at the new baby clothes.

The baby pajamas were very weensy. And the baby socks wouldn’t even fit on my big piggie toe.

“I’m going to be the boss of this baby,” I said to Tickle. “’Cause I’m the biggest, that’s why.”

Daddy snapped his fingers at me. “That’s enough of that kind of talk, missy,” he said.

Missy’s my name when I’m in trouble.

After that, him and Mother went to the kitchen to get some more paste.

And so I looked down the hall to make sure he was gone.

“Yeah, only I’m still gonna be the boss of it,” I whispered.

Ha ha. So there.

Yesterday a very wonderful thing happened!

And it’s called—I had pie for dinner!

Just pie and that’s all!

That’s because my mother went to the hospital to have the baby. And Daddy and Grandma Miller went with her.

And so me and my grampa got to stay at his house. All by ourselves. And no one even babysitted us!

And guess what? Grampa smoked a real live cigar right inside the house! And Grandma didn’t yell, “Go outside with that thing, Frank!”

After that, my grampa gave me a piggyback ride.

And he let me put on Grandma Miller’s new hat—with the long brown feather.