Just One More Breath (16 page)

Then I reached into my bag again, this time pulling out a huge envelope, one that I had been carrying around with me for the last two weeks.
Jaxson’s eyes widened and a sad, knowing look passed across his face. I slipped my finger under the flap and tore open the envelope, then placed the papers on his lap.

Jaxson looked so disappointed.
“So, we’re really doing this, aren’t we?” he asked.

I nodded my head, yes, but didn’t say anything else.

“You know, a part of me really thought you would agree to giving our marriage another shot,” Jaxson said, and then he let out a bitter chuckle. “Guess I was wrong about that.”

I remained speechless. There were so many things I could say, but none of them seemed appropriate.
Jaxson began flipping through the pages, reading the conditions, sighing, and slowly shaking his head. I felt uncomfortable witnessing him reading the very paper that would break the bond that we had both promised to maintain forever.

"Jaxson, you don’t have to read through all of this now. Take your time, go over it with your lawyer, and then get back to me,” I insisted.

“No need, I’ll agree to anything you ask for in this divorce. I’ve put you through enough, Nicole. My selfish, immature actions messed up our lives in the worst ways possible. You deserve to have the easiest divorce possible. It’s the least I can do,” he said with a sad smile.

He signed the paperwork and handed it back to me
, then he reached out and pulled me in for a hug. When he released me, I felt…lighter. "I'm going to send the thumbprint out and have the pendant made for you first thing Monday morning. I will call you when I get it. Is your number the same?" I asked.

“Yes
,” he replied simply.

"Ok
ay, well until then. Take care." I waved and opened the door. When I stepped out of the car, I felt a burden leave my body—a weight that I had been carrying since Jax died. This weight was the hurt and anger I had been harboring against Jaxson. I seemed to walk easier and breathe easier.
Is that what I’ve needed? To forgive Jaxson?

Shawn

When I had watched Nicole leave with Jaxson, I had felt ill. Physically ill. I didn’t think she would be fooled into loving him again, but I did worry that her natural empathy, combined with their years of loving each other, could possibly sway her in her position on divorcing him. 
Why was this bothering me so much?
 I guess the answer was clear. I realized it the other night. I love her. And, I could actually see us having a future somehow.

I trie
d my best to keep my eyes off the clock while she was gone, but I couldn’t help myself. After what felt like days, she finally arrived home. I looked into her eyes and saw pain, but I also saw something different. She seemed lighter somehow. She didn’t say anything as she came through the door, just came straight for my arms, as if that was where she
needed
to be. She smelled like men’s cologne, so at some point, he had had his arms around her. I pushed my jealousy away and held her close regardless. I think I needed this, too.

“How did it go, sweetheart?”

She looked up at me and smiled. “It actually went better than I thought it would to be honest. In some ways, it provided a cathartic release of all the anger I had felt toward Jaxson. He is still to blame for my son’s death, but he can see that as well. He feels the same agony. The same devastation.”

“What can I do to help?” I asked her, hoping she did in fact still need me.
 

“I’m really tired from the emotional turmoil, so I was thinking I might go up and take a bath for a while. Then, if you like, could we just hang here?”

Before I could answer with a resounding yes, she interrupted with, “Of course. If you have things to do, please go and do them. I will be fine here on my own, Shawn.”

“Nic, I am more than happy to stay.”

That brought a smile to her beautiful face, and I so wanted to kiss her. My restraint was proving more difficult as the days went on. But, I couldn't push her. She has been through so much, and I want her to want me. So, instead, I kissed her on the forehead and sent her up to her bath. I felt relief. The girl was so strong, so incredible, and hopefully, would one day be mine in some way, shape, or form. 

Nicole

After Shawn left for work the next mo
rning I grabbed my cell phone and dialed a number. One I haven’t called for some time. The phone was answered on the second ring and the voice on the other end sounded very pleased. "Hello?"

"Hi
, Zena. It's time for some girl time," I said, knowing that Zena already knew it was my call sign to say I was ready for one-on-one time with her. "I’ve missed you, girl."

"I
’ve missed you, too."

I
felt guilty about the nosedive our friendship had taken. We were never the kind of friends who only communicated through text. I heard Zena shuffling around and then it sounded like she was outside.

"I'm coming over
.”

“But what about work?”
I asked.

“The center will be fine without me today
. Right now I need my best friend.” Zena’s words warmed my insides.

"Okay good…I can't wait to see you."
I pulled some of Mama Burns's brownies out of the refrigerator and popped them in the microwave for a few seconds. Then I grabbed some champagne and glasses while I waited for Zena to show up. Zena finally rang the bell and I sprinted for the front door. When I saw my best friend’s face I pulled her in for the longest, tightest hug I had ever given her.

Zena broke down again during
our embrace. When we separated a tear-streaked Zena ran her fingers through my hair.

"Nicole, you look like my best friend again
."

I
sniffled in agreement. Despite having seen her twice in the last few weeks, we hadn’t had the chance to chat about the last two months. She had put on a brave face with Shawn and Mama Burns, but I knew she needed this time together, just as much as I did.

W
hile I poured two drinks and handed Zena a brownie, I said, "You know, I basically hit rock bottom when I left work that day."

Zena nodded and
I continued my story, ready to admit to something that only Shawn knew about. "I’d actually planned on committing suicide."

Zena tried to interject, but
I gently put my hand up letting her know that she needed to let me finish. "My plan was to get shit-faced drunk and then do something stupid."

Zena took a long
sip of her drink while I kept talking.

"Luckily
, Shawn happened to be at the same bar that night, and he took my keys and drove me home. He ended up finding my suicide note."

With those words
, all of Zena’s strength withered away, and she started to cry once again. “Oh God, Nicole, I failed you as a best friend. I should've been here for you," she admitted painfully.

"How could you have been here when I didn’t let you? I’m sorry
, Zena. I couldn’t let you take on my problems when you have your own stuff going on. That wouldn’t have been fair." I gave her a tight squeeze. "So Shawn decided to stay and help me get through this horrible time. For the first week, I still had absolutely no will to live and he basically just kept me alive. He fed me, made sure I had vitamins, and he even gave me a bath."

Zena's eyebrows shot up and her tears instantly stopped.
“Shawn has been texting me, letting me know you were okay. But he didn’t tell me he gave you a bath.” She rolled her eyes.

"A very innocent bath
," I said.

Her eyebrows fell back into their regular position.

“Mmhhhm,”
she hummed into the back of her throat.

I
ignored the insinuation and went back to my story. "After a few days, I had a dream. A nightmare, really. Jax came to me and basically begged me to accept the help that was being offered to me. He said that he was fine, and that he needed me to be fine as well." A tear escaped my eye as I remembered the details of my dream.

"He said that I haven't lost him, that he's still with me
, and all I have to do is open my eyes and see it." The words sounded painful coming out of my mouth. "So, I started paying attention to little things and I realized that he was right."

Zena refilled
our glasses and we both drank half in one long gulp.

"I use his cell phone now. I see things that he likes everywhere. And most importantly, I have really good memories that make me smile or sometimes even laugh when I remember them.”

Zena pushed tears off her face. "I'm so proud of you, Nicole. The strength you are showing is inspiring. You should be proud of yourself as well."

"Although I was making great strides towards healing
, there was something still blocking my ability to completely open up. I couldn't figure out what that was but it literally showed up on my doorstep yesterday."

Zena gave
me a questioning look.

"
Jaxson showed up at my door yesterday, literally on his knees, begging me to tell him where Jax is buried."

I
heard Zena mumble, "Shit," under her breath, before she drained her glass again.

"Honey, you need to slow down or you will be drunk by lunch time."

She shrugged. "Sounds good to me."

It also sounded good to
me so I got up and grabbed another bottle. "I guess we're getting drunk then."

After a few moments
we settled back in, and Zena was ready for me to continue my story.

"Ok
ay, so Jaxson was standing in your doorway, and then what?" Zena asked anxiously.

"Well he wasn't exactly standing in my door way. He was on his knees in a Fifty Shades of Grey,
‘red room of pain,’ submissive kind of pose."

Zena burst out laughing. She's an avid reader unlike
me, but she had nagged me into reading
Fifty Shades of Grey
.

Zena looked embarrassed at her outburst. "I'm not laughing at him being on his knees because that surely wasn’t funny. I'm laughing at your description."

"Well, that's the only way I could think to describe it," I said

Zena winked at
me. "Yeah, good job."

The giggles subsided and
I continued. "Okay, so anyway. My first instinct was to slam the door in his face but Shawn came over and convinced me to hear him out. So after talking for a bit I took him to Jax's grave."

“I
can’t believe it. That was the absolute last thing I expected to hear. How was that?" she asked, grabbing my hand.

"Hard. Very hard
,” I said, as I swallowed deeply and took a few breaths. “Jaxson cried so badly. It made me feel guilty about not letting him come to the funeral. He apologized to the both of us, admitted that he had made some mistakes in the past and apologized for that as well."

Zena was speechless; she just kept shaking her head.

"The best thing that came out of the cemetery visit was me letting go." I tried to calm the fast beat of my heart. "I hadn’t let go of Jax. I'm sure I will never ever be over the anguish that came along with his death. I let go of the anger I felt toward Jaxson. I don't hate him anymore, and I don't wish anything bad on him. Now I just feel bad for him. He has to live with the fact that his very bad decision cost our son his life. I don't think it's fair for me to add my hatred to the burden that he will carry on his shoulders forever."

My words must’ve been powerful because Zena looked moved.

"I'm proud of you
, Nicole, you have come a long way."

"Thank you, you're right
, I have come a long way. And now I'm ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. Jaxson signed the divorce papers yesterday, so that’s done with. I'm also ready to start working again. And I think it's time for Shawn to move back to his place." As the last few words slipped out of my mouth I felt a sharp pain in my chest.

Zena noticed the wince and narrowed her
eyes. "Nicole, do you feel more for Shawn than before?"

I
tried to brush off the question with a shrug.

"Don’t shrug
. Answer me. Do you like him?"

"I honestly don't know. He's here as a friend helping me through a rough patch, but the
re have been times where his touch felt like…more."

I
shrugged again, trying desperately to end the conversation, but Zena wasn’t having it.

“Have you guys ever kissed? Do you think he
might want to stay?”

I
rolled my eyes. "Only friendly kisses on the forehead or cheek, and I honestly don't know. Sometimes I feel something between us, but I don’t know if it means anything to him."

"What do you mean? A blind person could see that Shawn is really into you."

"Shawn has a reputation as a player. I heard my fair share of stories about him back in college and even a few since then."

"But he's been staying with you for
a while now, right?" Zena pried.

"Yep
." Nicole nodded.

"Has he been sneaking off for sexual rendezvous while he's been here?"

That question shocked me, as I had never even thought about that. "Nope. Unless he leaves when I fall asleep."

"Any phone calls from his
girls
?"

"Nope, not that I’ve noticed."
I shook my head.

"Well clearly he's only been focused on you for the last couple
of months, Nicole. So don't worry about that stuff."

"I guess
. But I still don't really know how he feels about me. Hell, I don't even know how I feel about him. So I think it's best for him to get back to his normal life. And if something happens in the future between us, then great. If not, I will always appreciate him for literally bringing me back to life." I spoke the words, but I really didn’t believe them.

"Well, I'm spending the day with you and I can't wait to see Mr. Shawn. I’m pretty pissed that his text message updates left out some pretty interesting details.”

We spent the rest of the day acting like reunited best friends. At around four that afternoon, my cell phone lit up and Shawn’s name popped onto the screen. Zena noticed the huge smile on my face and immediately knew who it was.

“Is that your boo?”
she asked in a sing-song voice.

I
threw a cushion from the couch at her. “He’s not my boo,” I whispered/yelled as if I thought Shawn could overhear the conversation.

“Well that’s hard to believe seeing as though your face lit up like the Empire State Building when you saw his name on your phone screen.”

I threw another pillow at her and she giggled. Then she popped open the text.

Shawn:
“Hey Nic, have you turned on your television at all today?”

What?

“What happened?” Zena asked, noticing the slight frown on
my face.

“I’m not sure, turn on the television
,”
I instructed.

Zena flipped on the television and they saw that really hot meteorologist from Fox Five rambling on and on about an impending Super Storm. They were advising all Staten Island residents to evacuate.
My day took a complete left turn. I planned on telling Shawn I thought he should move back into his house, but instead I found myself packing to move into his house until this so called “Super Storm” passed.

SHIT!