Just One More Breath (11 page)

Nicole

The next day, I found myself looking around my house like it was a strange place. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but something was very different. Then, I spotted them - the flowers. My heart squeezed. Instead of freaking out about being in the presence of flowers, I found myself touched by Shawn again remembering what I liked. He’d always teased me whenever I asked him to bring me flowers from the florist close to his parents’ house saying that my husband needed to step up to the plate and get me what I liked.

The small gesture warmed me
in those cold places that only Shawn seemed to know how to reach. The only emotions I felt when he wasn’t around were hurt and pain. I had no clue what this feeling was. I continued taking in the changes in house. It looked bright, and homely. The thick drapes I put up to keep the sunlight out were gone and my venetian blinds were open.

Shawn was standing in the kitchen frying bacon; he killed time waiting to flip the pieces
, by playing a game on his cell phone. Curiosity got the best of me and I peeked over his shoulder.

“What are you playing?"
I asked

He didn’t even try to hide the distressed gleam in his eye. "Jesus, you really have been living under a rock
. This is Candy Crush."

I
stepped closer still staring at his cell phone screen, and then it all clicked to me. "Jax asked for a phone that he could play this game on. I guessed he played it on one of his friends or maybe his babysitter’s phone. I didn't know anything about it." I surprised myself, this was the first time I had been able to casually say Jax’s name in weeks.

Shawn paused his game to continue the conversation.
"Did you buy him a phone? It’s seriously one of the most popular games out. Everyone plays it."

Answering this question brought back all kinds of memories.
"Yes, but I didn't have the opportunity to give it to him.”

Before Shawn c
ould continue his probing I stepped closer to him. "How do you play?"

He understood my
deterrence and went with it. "Well, the first thing you do is brush your teeth and take a shower. Then, you come back downstairs and eat. Once those short tasks are finished we can start Candy Crush 101."

I
felt a twinge of offense. “Are you trying to tell me that I stink?” I put a hand on my hip.

Shawn placed his palm over his nose before he spoke.
“Not you, per se, but your breath doesn’t smell like candy and chocolate in the morning.”

I
gasped. “Wow, talk about straight shooter.”

He chuckled
. “Not necessarily straight shooting. But I dealt with your funk for all of last week in silence, and now that I know you have the capability to smell really nice, I don’t want you to slip back into your old habits.”

I
smirked and with no further comment, went up to the bathroom and cleaned myself up. When I returned breakfast was ready and waiting. We shared the meal in silence. "I’m ready for my lesson,” I said, with more excitement than I’d used in a while.

Shawn smiled and stood to clear the table.
"It’s a really nice day out, how about we lounge in your backyard? You can play Candy Crush, while I get some work done."

Surprisingly
, that sounded like a really good idea, but I knew my backyard was in bad shape. "My backyard is a hot mess, Shawn. Trust me, you don't want to lounge back there."

Shawn headed to the back door
, and by the look on his face it’s obvious that he agreed. The backyard did look like shit. He slowly shook his head. "Nicole, you're letting everything around your house go south. This isn’t good."

I
looked at him as if he were crazy. "I have no reason to worry about the upkeep of this house. Who am I keeping these things in order for?"

He looked annoyed
. "For you. You should keep your place in order for yourself." The passionate aggression in his voice startled me and I sank into my chair. His face softened and he walked over to me and pulled up a chair. “I’m sorry for yelling, but it just hurts me to see you living like this, Nic…you shouldn’t be living in these conditions. This,” he said, and gestured around the home, “isn’t you.”

His eyes locked with mine
and the genuine compassion they showed made me feel uncomfortable.

I broke
the intense contact by trying to redirect the conversation. “Can I have my Candy Crush lesson now?”

Shawn let out a frustrated sigh.
Then he popped open the app and gave me a tutorial. He made quick work of explaining the object of the game. “I’ve been stuck on level one-sixty-five for about a month now, but you can give it a try so you can get a feel for the game.”

He
handed his phone over to me and I started crushing candy. Apparently I was a natural because after three tries, I passed the level. I saw the shock on his face when he realized that I passed the level that had been a thorn in his side. My insides smiled, but for some reason I couldn’t quite get my face to do that yet. He snatched his cell phone out of my hand with mock annoyance. "How about we download this app on your phone? Showoff."

The smile was
instantly wiped off my face. "I don't have a smart phone. And I disconnected my service a few days ago anyway."

He stood so abruptly it made my
head spin. “That’s it. I can’t take this anymore. We are fixing all of this today. Go get your cell phone. I'm going to call the cable company and get some cable back into the house, then I’m calling a gardener to clean up your backyard."
And here was Alpha Shawn again
.

Without arguing
, I fetched my old, beat-up cell phone out of the drawer but I couldn’t find the charger. When I pulled the drawer open a little farther, I saw the Samsung Galaxy I had purchased for Jax sitting unopened all the way in the back. My hand shook as I reached for the box, and as I started to retreat, I heard Jax’s sweet voice say, “
I’m always around, you just need to open your eyes and see me.”

My heart lurched a little as I
began to understand just what he meant by that. I sat as the edge of my bed for a few minutes, trying to take it all in. And then I picked up the box and went downstairs. When I arrived in the living room there was light shining in from every possible window and the television was on a cable channel.
Wow, that was fast.

I
plopped the box on the kitchen counter. "I couldn't find the charger for my phone, but...I found Jax’s phone so....” I trailed off, unable to finish my sentence. Shawn picked up the box and began examining it. "I know you spoke about losing that connection with Jax, but I honestly think there are so many other ways to keep that connection going. Ways to keep you feeling close to him. You just have to figure out what they are."

I shook my
head; I had realized the exact same thing. “That’s why I decided to use his phone; I’m thinking that this can be a way for me to feel connected to him.”

Shawn smiled, and his face shone with pride
. “You call the cell phone company and get it reconnected while I get it set up."

Ten minutes later
, I was crushing candy like a pro, while Shawn sat next to me emailing one of his clients. I closed out the app and began checking out the phone. “This phone is really awesome. Jax would’ve loved it.”

Shawn
smiled and threw me a wink. “Are you enjoying the game?”

It had bee
n a while since he winked at me. “Yep.” I tried to smile back, but couldn’t quite pull it off.

“What level are you on?”

“Twenty-nine,” I said casually.

“Twenty
-nine? Jesus. You’ve only been playing for an hour. What are you? The Rain Man of Candy Crush?”

That did it, without even noticing
, I started laughing, something I hadn’t done in months. The sound actually startled me. And…surprisingly…it felt…great.

Shawn

My boss was so pleased with the amount of work I got done on my vacation, that he allowed me to work from home for another two weeks. On my third week into my stay at Nicole’s place, the groceries that my mother had brought over began to run out. Nicole was in her backyard in the dark, locked into her new Candy Crush obsession. I was afraid to ask what level she was on because I feared that she had passed me. I grabbed Nicole’s laptop off the counter and went outside to meet her. She acknowledged my presence, but didn’t look away from her cell phone screen.

“Nicole, we are running out of groceries.”

A frown line appeared between her eyebrows. “Shawn, I know that I’ve come a long way over the last few weeks but trust me…I am nowhere near ready to step foot into a supermarket.”

I
took a seat next to her and showed her the laptop in my hand. “I know. It just so happens that not going to the supermarket is something we have in common. I couldn’t even seem to find the time, so I came out here to show you my trick. Prepare to be amazed.”

She gave
me a wry look as I snapped open her computer. When it loaded, I saw the background picture was a really cute little boy in a red soccer uniform holding a ball under his arm. It had been forever since I had seen Jax, and I had a hard time believing he had grown that much.

“Wow, I had no idea he had gotten this big
.” Nicole turned her head away from the computer screen and nodded. That small action bothered me, so I kept asking questions. “He’s a good-looking boy. He looks just like you.” I saw a smile make its way to the corner of her mouth, so I kept going. “I bet he was a big time mama’s boy.”

She turned to face me
with shiny eyes. “He totally was, he loved me more than anything in the world.”

The
sense of pride and the love she felt for her son was captivating, and I saw that talking about him really made her feel good. “His soccer uniform looks awesome, what position did he play?”

“Striker
. The team called him Kamikaze because he had a special attack that he always used on goalies.” Her smile was infectious.

“Nice
. And I see he’s wearing a team captain band on his right arm.”

She beamed with even more pride. “Yep, my baby was the captain of the team.”

“I played soccer growing up, but I wasn’t any good. I didn’t have an awesome nickname from my team and I sure as hell was no captain. So eventually I quit and picked up swimming.”

She giggled again, our eyes met and we both smiled. Then s
he took a deep breath and then grabbed my hand. “Shawn, thank you for letting me talk about Jax. Most people want me to move on with my life and act like he never existed.”

I
wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her in for a big hug. “It’s your job to keep Jax’s memory alive. Feel free to talk about him with me anytime. I’m always interested in hearing stories about Mr. Kamikaze.” She leaned her head onto my shoulder and I planted a kiss on her forehead. For the past few weeks, I had taken a few opportunities to hold Nicole. We had always been affectionate with each other, and so it had felt normal to give her hugs. It had always felt different when I held her, too. She was special. I hadn’t heard from Brooke, and I hadn’t even cared.

“Thanks again
, Shawn,” she whispered.

“Don’t thank me yet
. Wait until I introduce you to my favorite website.” Two minutes later we were well into the greatest shopping experience known to man. Purchasing groceries on a website called Fresh Direct.

“This is so cool. By tomorrow
we will have a fridge full of groceries,” Nicole said excitedly

I yawned and my
eyes started to get heavy, and I let my head fall back to rest on the chair. An ache in my neck started to form from days of sleeping on the couch and before I could stop it, the words slipped out of my mouth. “If my memory serves me correctly, you have a pretty huge bed upstairs. What size is that bed?”

She
smiled, but there was a hint of confusion there. "California king," she said, with a slightly bragging undertone.

"Wait
, let me get this straight. You have a California king bed upstairs, and you're sleeping down here, on the couch? And more importantly…I have been sleeping down here on the couch?”

She shrugged
. I knew why she didn’t sleep there. I remembered her reaction when she woke up in the bed weeks ago. But she seemed to enjoy being teased. "That must be one lonely bed. I only have a queen bed in my tiny apartment. I would gladly take up residence in that California king."

I
threw another wink at her and her smile got wider. Seeing her smile felt like a blow right to my heart and that moment I needed to be honest. "Nicole, you really have a beautiful smile."

Her cheeks turned pale pink and
I realized my compliment might have come across as flirting. It definitely wasn’t intentional. I may have always carried a flame for Nicole, but I was well aware that Nicole was a woman in need of a friend. I genuinely wanted to be the friend that she needed. I also became aware of how inappropriate my suggestion that I would sleep in her bed was. "Nic, I hope you didn’t take offense to my comment about sleeping in your bed. I was kidding—"

"No, of course not. I'm actually enjoying the banter
," she replied and I let out a sigh of relief.

“I’m beat, I’m going inside to get ready for bed. Are you coming?”

Nicole stood and I grabbed her hand as we made our way inside.

We had a bit of a routine, I would brush my teeth and prepare for bed in the bathroom on the first floor and she would do the same on the
second floor. As she descended the steps, I passed her making my way upstairs.

“Where are you going?”
she asked, blocking my way.

“Upstairs
. Can’t you hear that lonely California king bed calling my name?” I asked, placing a hand behind my ear and leaning forward.

She gave me a sarcastic look
, and I swept her off her feet and carried her back down the steps, placing her onto the couch that doubles as her bed.

"Good, now if you’ll excuse me
, there's a cold and lonely California king bed calling my name." Her grin got wider as I pretended to head up to her room. Nicole giggled and followed me, but before my foot hit the bottom step, I turned and headed to the other chair. Then I opened the ottoman where we stored our pillows and blankets and we both got comfortable. I was tired but I watched my beautiful friend as she settled. I needed to know she was asleep before I could rest.

Before the sun rose
, I could hear Nicole stirring in her chair/bed. Without giving it a second thought, I got up and stumbled over to where she was. I climbed in behind and pulled her close, and within seconds she’d settled her ear right above my heart. I worried that the sound of its wild beating would wake her, but instead it seemed to soothe her and she slept tranquilly until dawn.

~*~*~*~*~*~

A shuddering feeling on my left side brought me out of a deep sleep. As my eyes opened I became aware of the wet spot forming on the side of my shirt and the low sounds of a whimper. I looked down to see Nicole silently weeping as she lay on my chest. As if I’d done it a thousand times, I brought my right hand up and stroked it slowly up and down her back.

"Are you okay
, Nic?" I asked.

She shrugged. "Not really, it's Sunday and that makes me miss Jax."

I used my left hand to pull her as close to me as possible. "What is it about Sundays that makes you miss him?"

She placed her chin on
my pectoral and gazed at me with confused eyes. I stared into her beautiful eyes, savoring the moment. The red veins that were present couldn’t even take away from their beauty.

She gulped
. "You might think it’s silly if I tell you."

My
eyebrows creased. "Nicole that’s your son.... There is nothing silly missing your child. Even if you said that you missed the way he ate his boogers, I would totally understand."

She scrunched up her nose in disgust. "Ew
, no. He didn’t eat his boogers. But, we used to go to IHOP on Sundays for breakfast...and, I just miss that. I know it’s nothing extravagant, but—"

I
placed my hand gently on her cheek. "Stop trying to justify your feelings."

She sniffled and two more tears escaped her eyes. An idea came to
me. "How about we go to IHOP today? In honor of Sundays and Jax."

She smiled
. "You like IHOP?"

I
cocked his eyebrow. "Um...yeah. Who doesn’t?"

She hopped off
me and wiped the stray tears from her face. "Okay, give me a few minutes to get ready. But, I am going to take a shower and brush my teeth. After all, you have mentioned my morning breath before…."

I
laughed, and grabbed her arm before she could start up the steps. “I’m really proud of you, Nic.” Then I placed a soft kiss on her forehead. She smiled and the unidentifiable feeling returned as I released her arm.