Just One More Breath (9 page)

Nicole

Life had become
perpetual darkness since I had lost my last piece of Jax. Permanently losing that seemingly meaningless connection completely broke me. It was a cruel reminder that my reason for breathing was lying in a casket, buried in a hole - six feet under the earth’s surface. Where I could never see, touch, kiss or even smell him ever again. The realization was so crippling that I was no longer living. I just existed. Purposeless.

I
hadn’t returned to work, and told Zena to withhold my pay. I didn’t think it was fair to take money from the center if I wasn’t there to actually earn it. I decided to live off my savings with minimal expenses. I disconnected my cable, cell phone, and Internet. I rarely left the house. I showered when I had the energy to do so—which wasn’t very often—and I ate when I remembered—which also wasn’t very often. The only guaranteed occurrence on a daily basis was my hysterical crying and perpetual despair.

I woke up and cried, and then I
headed into Jax's room and cried some more. Then I would go into his closet and hug his clothes and cry. That's all I wanted to do. That's all I had energy to do. Now that the alcohol was starting to leave my system, the guilt of what I had planned to do weighed heavily on my conscience. I was selfishly going to put my parents through the same hell I had been going through since I had lost Jax.

I
was grateful for Shawn’s intervention. I shook my head at the thought of how much worse this day could’ve gone had he not been at the bar. I also thought back at my last encounter with Zena and how right she had been. Hitting rock bottom this way made me feel awful about the way I had handled my best friend.

I
was pulling myself out of bed late in the evening to start my crying routine when my doorbell rang. I’d peeped outside and saw that it was Zena. Although I wasn’t in the mood for company I sighed and opened the door. When Zena saw my pitiful appearance, I could see her suppressing the urge to burst into tears. Zena was able to pull herself together and gave me a sad smile. She showed me the bag of food she held in her left hand.

It
was funny how the tides had changed. For a long time, I had been the rock in our friendship, supporting Zena through the trials and tribulations of her life. Now, Zena was there, trying to support me. And because I knew that Zena had many issues of her own I refused to burden her with the whole truth about just how hopeless I felt.

“I figured you might be hungry
, so I bought some Pho from a really good Vietnamese place by my house."

My
mouth had filled with saliva; obviously my body remembered how much I loved Vietnamese food once upon a time. My stomach rumbled, although I hadn’t actually felt hungry, I knew I needed to eat, because I couldn’t remember the last time I had.

"Thanks
," I mumbled blandly.

Zena nodded and followed me inside. I
sat at the table and started to unload the contents of the bag. She’d pulled out all the stops: pork sandwiches, Chicken Pho, and bubble tea. All of the foods that the old me would’ve polished off in twenty minutes flat.

Zena
had spoken to me as if I would shatter into a million pieces at any moment. “Nicole, sweetheart, you need to eat something. You're nothing but skin and bones. You've lost at least fifteen pounds, girl."

Zena was right; w
hen I looked in the mirror I didn't even recognize myself anymore, but I couldn’t force myself to eat. “I’m just not hungry," I said in a weak voice.

"Ok
ay, but can you at least try to eat a little something? Just a few bites?" Zena asked desperately.

I
picked up the pork sandwich and took a bite. Despite the fact that it tasted to me like cardboard, I was pretty sure it actually tasted divine. My taste buds probably stopped working because they weren’t being used. I struggled to swallow the piece in my mouth and then took a sip of the bubble tea. I pushed them both away with a fake smile, hoping that Zena was satisfied with my attempt at eating.

Zena was far from satisfied. “Oh
, Nicole, baby, that’s not enough. Try to take a few more bites for me, please.”

“I can’t force myself to eat anything else.”

Zena pushed the Pho in my direction. “Well how about just the broth from the soup?”

I figured I
could force down some of that. I picked up the spoon and tried my luck with the soup. Zena eyed me carefully while I ate. When she was satisfied with my work on the soup she began talking again. “Nicole, your mom called me because she’s really worried about you. She asked me to come and see if I could get through to you.”

That irked
me a little bit; everyone thought that I needed a break through…. Some kind of life-changing event or revelation that would snap me out of my grief. Instead of just coming here to keep me company, or just hang out, people came trying to influence my emotions and make me feel the way they thought I should be feeling.

“Get through to me about what
, Zena?”

She paused, clearly thinking long and hard about what she said next. “You’re not well
, Nicole. You don’t eat; you’ve lost a lot of weight, and you don’t take care of yourself. This isn’t healthy.” She gave me another up-and-down look, before she continued, “You’re a mess. You can’t keep living like this, sweetie.”

I
got up and started walking away from Zena, but she kept talking. “Everyone is worried about you. If you don’t pull yourself together you will end up unintentionally killing yourself, sweetie.”

Her preaching continued to piss
me off. My anger rose to the surface, no longer contained. I was riled. “Until everyone knows what if feels like to lose a child, they can keep their opinions about the way I deal with it to themselves,” I snapped.

Zena shook her head, clearly regretting her approach to this very sensitive topic. “I’m sorry, I know this is hard. But we love you and we want you to be ok
ay. We all think you need to speak with a grief counselor, Nicole.”

“Honestly, I don’t care about what anyone else wants. The only thing I want is my son back. Is a grief counselor going to bring back my son?”

Zena stood there stunned silent. I turned my back to her. “I didn’t think so.” I went up the steps, not bothering to look back. “Lock the door on your way out, Zena.”

*~*~*~*~*~

Silently, Shawn came back to the couch with a glass of water in his hand. He gave me a genuine smile, one that I couldn’t return as I sat up again and took the glass. I was surprised at how thirsty I was, and gulped down the entire glass all at once. When I was done, Shawn reached his hand out and took the empty glass from me. He too noticed how quickly I drank the first glass. "Do you want more?" he asked.

I
nodded, and he headed back into the kitchen to get me another. Within seconds, he reappeared and carefully watched as I gulped down a second glass. The indescribable look in his eyes was making me uncomfortable. I had become immune to many looks recently...none of them being this one. Some disgust, some annoyance, but Shawn’s look was one that I hadn’t seen in months. He took a few steps over and gently sat next to me. Then he slowly reached his hand into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. As soon as he held the paper up I knew what it was. It was the note I’d left taped the Jax’s door.
Dammit
.

“
A suicide note, Nicole? What’s going on with you?” Shawn gave me a questioning look, his eyes wide with hurt and concern.

I
tried my best to pull my thoughts together, but my drinking binge was getting the best of me. “I was thinking that given the crappy hand life has dealt me, ending things would be my easiest escape.” I tried my best to sound casual, but the slur was ever present.

I could see Shawn trying
to suppress something building inside him. “Nicole, you’re smart enough to know that the easiest solutions aren’t always the best ones. If you kill yourself you would essentially be putting your mother through the exact same agony you are going through right now.” He took a deep steadying breath. “You need to think about the people who care about you: your parents, Zena.” His voice lowered to almost a whisper. “Me. You’re not alone, Nicole, you can’t do that to us.”

His words pushed through my
wall of intoxication and made my heart squeeze. “Don’t you think I know that, Shawn? But this isn’t easy for me; I don’t want to hurt all the time. Everything constantly HURTS and I feel so alone.” My words sounded like a plea. 

“How could you say that? Especially when I’d made myself completely available to you?” he asked sounding hurt. “That really is selfish of you, Nicole. How can you say that you have no one when I’ve told you over and over that I would always be here for you? Why don’t you hear me when I tell you that you’ve got me?” he asked.

With a dizzy head I
sprung to my feet. I was now equal parts drunk and pissed off. My head was pounding from both. “Oh please, Shawn, would you stop? I don’t have you, okay?” I tried to walk away but Shawn was on my heels, grabbed me by the arms, and forced me to turn around.

“I’m always here for you
. You just don’t want to accept it. I keep telling you that you can lean on me.”  

I
tried unsuccessfully to escape his grasp. “Let go and stop lying to me.” Tears streamed down my face as I spoke. “I’m tired of you and all of your lies.” I shoved at him and he staggered back a few steps.

“W
here is this coming from? Have you completely lost it, Nicole? I don’t even recognize you right now.”

I remained silent, finally pried his hands off of me and stormed away.

“You know what, Nicole? You have support and you just don’t want to take it. It’s clear that you don’t want to be helped. Maybe you like this.”

His words were
like a verbal slap in my face. I turned around and stalked back toward him slowly.

“Did you just say that I like this misery
, Shawn? You think I like seeing babies at The Center who remind me of Jax? Constant reminders of the child I lost?” Tears showered down my face, but I was nowhere near done. “You think I like being so shaken up by it that I have to leave work? Does that sound appealing to you, Shawn?” I continued walking in his direction; my voice was eerily soft yet his eyes were squinted as if they were making his ears hurt.

He swallowe
d. “If you needed someone to help you through that rough patch, then you should’ve come to me.” His words sounded sincere and soon his eyes became a little misty.

Instead of being soothed by them
, I gave him a cynical look. “I did…but you were busy,” I said, with venom in my voice.

Shawn’s ey
ebrows creased in confusion. I could see him thinking back to the chain of events that had taken place over the last five days. “Busy? When was I busy? I never got a missed call from you, or a text message.”

“I drove to your house after that incident at work, and I saw you with your girlfriend. So I left.”

When realization hit him, Shawn held onto the couch for support. I heard him say, “Oh fuck.”
Yes, Shawn, Oh Fuck indeed
. He doubled over as if someone had shot him and it was clear that whatever questions he had suddenly made sense. His stance softened, he looked at me with determination, and pulled me in for a tight embrace.

My
first instinct was to resist. I didn’t want or need the false sense of security that he gave me. But it was short-lived, because truthfully, I was in serious need of simple physical human contact. So I buried my face into his neck and cried my eyes out. Not just for the loss of my son, but also for the loss of myself.

Shawn

I
didn’t try to stop her tears; I supported her as they came. I ran one hand up and down her back, using my other hand to smooth her hair. I whispered words of comfort into her ear as she continued to weep. The tears came in waves, one minute they were pouring, another minute they trickled. But they didn’t stop for what felt like forever. Nicole cried until she was physically unable to shed another tear and I consoled her the entire time.

When the tears dried up
, the involuntary rapid convulsions that naturally came after excessive crying took the rest of her strength. It was obvious that she hadn’t eaten enough, and her body was seriously lacking basic vitamins and nutrients, because I lifted Nicole into my lap with minimal effort

“I’m here
, Nicole. It’s okay,” I told her repeatedly. “I won’t let you down,” I promised, and when her small arms wrapped tightly around my neck, my words changed to, “I won’t let you go.”

Every once in a while
, Nicole shook her head vigorously and I prayed that she was trying to rid her memory of seeing me with Brooke. I tried to soothe her, and continued doing so until her body gave out, and she fell asleep.

I
held Nicole for two full hours after she fell asleep, guilt eating me alive. I spent about ninety minutes being thoroughly pissed off at myself. I should’ve been more persistent in trying to contact her. I shouldn’t have let her unanswered calls, texts, and emails slide. Maybe if I had showed up at her house, things wouldn’t have gotten this bad. And how could I not have noticed her parked outside of my house? Was I really that caught up with Brooke? How could I have been when I wasn’t even into her like that?

My
immediate plan was to make sure Nicole was fine before I left, but when I looked down at the broken soul clinging to me for dear life, it became painstakingly clear that she was far from fine, and I couldn’t leave. The sun was coming up when I felt her relax completely in my arms, finally succumbing to REM sleep. I picked Nicole up and carried her up to her bed. She weighed nothing - she’d clearly gone days without eating. The thought of it made me cringe, it also made me aware of my own hunger. So after I had her tucked into bed I made my way into the kitchen to find something to eat.

I
remembered the random package of bacon in the freezer and decided to fry some up. While the bacon was frying, I began surveying the house. It wasn’t dirty, but it looked un-kept. Her windows had venetian blinds that were closed, along with thick curtains that were also tightly shut. There’s no way the house got sunlight.

During
my search, I found a half-eaten box of Club Crackers in her cupboard that I could have along with the bacon. I took a seat at the kitchen island and tried to come up with a new strategy to help Nicole: I needed to know exactly what was going in her head and how deep her depression went. If she was beyond the point of return, I might not be able to help her. I knew there was a chance she might very well need to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital. I didn’t want to think about that possibility; I just needed to know that there was some hope—even a glimmer—and I would try to use that spark to bring her back.

I
remembered the firecracker that Nicole once was, the woman who offset the beat of my heart every time I laid eyes on her. The shell of a person I’d been with last night was nowhere near close to that girl, and it broke my heart. I powered my cell phone on and saw that it was almost eight thirty in the morning.

Great, I know she’ll be awake.

"Hey, Mom. It's Shawn; I need your help. It's urgent."

I gave my
mother a brief rundown of what had transpired over the last eight hours and asked her to grab a few things for me, and make her way over to Nicole’s. Then I went up the steps to clean up the mess that I saw in Jax’s room.

Seeing the trashed roo
m in the light of day gave me an even better look at the mess Nicole had made in her rage. It was a candid look at just how destroyed she was feeling. I lifted all the furniture back to its upright position, and tried to put things away as neatly as I could. I was really impressed with Jax’s possessions. He’d had everything a ten-year-old heart could desire. Game consoles, cool clothes, awesome sneakers, and a ton of football cards—some of them signed—neatly arranged in a plastic binder. When everything was packed away to my liking, I carefully swept up the pieces of broken glass off the floor.

I
walked back into Nicole’s room to check on her. I was glad to see that she was still resting. Two hours later, I got a text from my mom letting me know that she was outside. When I opened the door, my mother was unloading her trunk and I ran outside to help her. “Hey, Mom, thank you so much for coming.”  I looked down at her with an appreciative smile. “Hey, baby, you know that anytime you call, I come running.”

Her words warmed my
heart. “I know and I love you for it. Let’s go inside.” I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek but when we made eye contact I didn’t like what I saw. She looked skeptical, like she wasn’t confident that I could pull off what I set out to do. Instead of questioning it, I led her inside, knowing it was only a matter of time before she let her thoughts be known.

I
placed the numerous bags on Nicole’s kitchen island and started shuffling through them until I found what I was looking for. Back when we hung out regularly, Nicole would ask me to grab her a bouquet of Calla Lilies from a florist close to my parents’ house. She’d said they were her favorite flower and always brightened up her mood. It bothered me when Nicole said that she no longer liked flowers and I wanted to subtly bring them back into her life in a positive manner. I shuffled through her cabinets in search of a vase; I found one in the very last place I looked. By that point, I’d become well acquainted with how everything was organized. My mother sat quietly at the kitchen island observing my every move.

When the vase was filled with water
and the flowers were all set, I approached her.

“Okay
, Mom. Spill it.” She smiled. I could see that she was thinking very carefully and choosing her words wisely. 

“Ummm, how do I put this lightly?” She put her finger to her chin while she pondered her wording.

“Don’t put it lightly, give it to me straight,” I said plainly.

Her eyebrows rose. “Ok
ay, I think what you’re trying to do for this poor girl is very noble. But, I have a few reservations. One, if she’s suicidal, she doesn’t need a friend; she needs a psychiatrist and maybe even some meds. And two—which probably should’ve been number one—you are the most selfish of my four boys. The only thing you’ve ever been able to commit to was becoming a lawyer. As soon as you feel like helping Nicole is too much of a commitment or your penis starts to itch, you will be out the door faster than a speeding bullet.”


My
face morphed into a look of disgust. It actually hurt my feelings that she said I was her most selfish son, ESPECIALLY when I thought for sure that Mark was, and…
Ewww!  Did she really just say that?
“First of all, Mom, let’s not use the words penis and itch in the same sentence.”

A smile spread across her face. 


“Secondly, I’ve thought long and hard about this, and I want to help Nicole. She needs me. I know there might be a chance that she needs professional help…but there is also a chance that she just needs a little tender love and care. And in that case, I strongly believe that I’m the person who is supposed to give it to her. I just need a small sign of hope, if not, I promise you that I will call the authorities and have her taken to a hospital,” I said with a little bit more aggression than necessary.

She ignored my
whole spiel and kept talking. “Ever since you were young, you have always felt the need to take on big projects. Nicole is not a project, Shawn; she’s a real person with real feelings. Make sure you’re doing this for the right reasons.”

I
cut her off. “Mom, you know that strange feeling you told me you get every time dad walks into a room?” She nodded. “I get a similar unusual feeling whenever I see Nicole. There has never been another woman in the world to make me feel like she does. I know she’s in a bad place and nothing will ever come of these feelings. But the fact that they exist makes it virtually impossible for me to walk away from her. I’m doing this because Nicole needs a friend and I believe deep down inside that I am that friend. I want to help her, Mom, and I’m going to give Nicole my all.”

My
mother looked pleased with my words. “Well fine then, where are the pots? I’m going to make you guys two pots of soup—one chicken, one minestrone.”

“I love you
, Mom.” I pulled my mother in for a tight squeeze.

“I love you too
, baby boy.” She planted a kiss on my cheek and turned back toward the stove. Three hours later, my mother was all done cooking, and on her way back home to my dad.

I
ran up to Nicole’s room to check on her. Surprisingly, she was still asleep. I hopped in the shower and changed into an outfit I had my mother pick up from my place. Then I grabbed a thermos full of my mother’s chicken soup, and my laptop, then went up to Nicole’s room to get some work done on her divorce while she slept.

When I
entered Nicole’s room, her eyes were open and she looked lost and confused. I didn’t like her so uncomfortable and unsettled. It made my chest ache. I wanted to hold her and feel her close against me. Most of all, I wanted to erase the pain from her eyes and care for her until she was whole again.

When Nicole
realized she was in her room, sleeping in her bed, she freaked out and started desperately scrambling out of the bed. Her legs got tangled in the sheets and she almost face-planted onto the ground. Before she hit the floor, my arms were around her. “Nicole, calm down. Everything is fine.” She was still fighting to get as far away from the bed as possible but calm came over her when I pulled her into my chest. I looked down at her. “It’s alright, I’m here,” I whispered. “Are you hungry? I have food,” I asked in a soft tone. I sat us both down on the armchair away from her bed.

“No, I’m
fine…really, Shawn, I am,” she said, trying to move out of my grasp. “You can leave now, go home and enjoy your Satur… today is Saturday, right?” she asked.

I
leaned in just a little and looked her right in the eye. “Yes, Nicole. Today is Saturday. And no, I’m not going home. I’m not leaving this house until I am one hundred thirty-five percent sure you are fine. Right now, you’re not even close to that.”

“I’m not your problem
, Shawn, don’t let me burden you with my issues. Just go and pretend you never saw me at the bar.”

I became irritated and my
tone changed from convincing to demanding. “Stop asking me to leave. I have time off from work and I’ve just decided that I’m spending it all here with you.”

She went
stock-still. “Why would you want to do that? You have a life and a girlfriend. Please don’t let me keep you from them.”

I
ignored her words. “Like I just said, there is warm food and you need to eat, but since this room clearly doesn’t have a calming effect on you, I think we should go downstairs.”

“I’m not hungry
, and I’m too weak and hung over to walk down stairs. I just need to get out of this bedroom as soon as possible.”

I
abruptly stood with Nicole still in my arms; I used one arm to rid her legs of the tangled sheets and within seconds we were headed down the steps and back into her living room. I deposited her onto the couch with the gentleness that one used to handle a newborn baby, and then I used a few of her couch cushions to prop her up on an angle. Once I was satisfied with her positioning I ran back upstairs to fetch my things.

Minutes later
, I returned with a bowl full of piping hot chicken soup from the thermos I had taken upstairs. When Nicole caught a whiff of the heavenly scent, I heard her severely neglected stomach growl. Although I could tell she was starving she was still being stubborn. “Just put the soup aside and I will get to it later.”

“Nicole you need to eat, you’re too skinny
,” I said stating the obvious.

“I’m not…”

Before she could finish her sentence, a spoonful of soup was strategically forced into her slightly opened mouth. Nicole let out an involuntary moan of appreciation and shamelessly opened her mouth for another spoonful of the delicious soup. I didn’t even try to hide my delight. I kept smiling and feeding her, and she kept on eating. In less than five minutes, I had the bowl refilled to the brim, and Nicole was going full-steam ahead on her second bowl. She easily engulfed three bowls of soup in less than fifteen minutes.

Then I handed her a
multivitamin and a bottle of water, which she swallowed and chugged, then laid back into her pillow.

After a few minutes of silence
, I spoke. “Nicole, why did you freak when you woke up in your bed earlier?”

She let out a deep sigh
. “Shawn, I’m tired and I really don’t feel like talking about anything deep right now.”