Just One More Breath (10 page)

I respected her wishes and left her
alone. As I turned I quietly said, “She’s not my girlfriend. Brooke is not my girlfriend.” But when I looked back at her, she was already asleep.

Shawn

Even though it should’ve been stressful, this was actually turning out to be one of the most relaxing “staycations” I ever had. Not only was I working on Nicole’s divorce, I also started doing light work on a new case from work. I found that the light sounds of Nicole’s breathing had a calming effect on me while I worked, and it allowed me to get more work done without feeling overwhelmed.

When I
wasn’t working, I kept myself self very busy by taking care of Nicole. I made sure Nicole ate, stayed hydrated, and took her vitamins. I also took on the task of making her house feel like a home again. Surprisingly, domestic tasks didn’t suck half as much as I thought they would.

I
took down the thick blackout drapes, and opened the venetian blinds. I dusted and mopped the entire house, and lit scented candles for a warmer feel. I also placed an order with Fresh Direct and had some groceries delivered. I could honestly say that the place seemed a whole lot nicer with those few changes.

Nicole had been sleeping a whole lot, more than fifteen hours a day. Every so often she started whimpering in her sleep and sometimes she would wake up in a full
-on crying spell. Whenever that happened I pulled her onto me and hugged her closely to my chest. Something about this action always calmed her down and it made me feel good knowing that I was able to bring her peace. It reassured me that I had made the right decision by staying with her.

For the last week
, we had been sleeping in her living room. I remembered Nicole’s reaction after waking up in her bed and decided against trying that again. I didn’t want to upset her; right now my main focus was keeping her healthy.

I glanced at my
watch and saw that it was almost time for Nicole to eat. When I opened the container to get a bowl of soup I realized that we were done with the chicken and steadily making our way through the minestrone. I picked up my phone and called my mother. Like she did every time her children called, she answered by the second ring.

“Hey
, Mom. How are you?”

“Hey
, baby, I’m good. How are things going with you?” she asked in a loving tone.

“Really good actually
. In the last week I’ve managed to get a whole lot of work done. More so than if I would’ve stayed in my own house during this vacation,” I said.

“Oh, that’s good to hear. How is Nicole?”

“Same…sleeping and crying. But she is eating, so that’s a plus, right?” My voice sounded hopeful.

“Yes
, baby, it sure is,” my mother said, matching my optimism.

“I just realized that we are running low on food, so I was wondering if you could put together lasagna for me and season up a chicken. You don’t have to bake them or anything.”

“I would love to. You know I never mind whipping up a good meal.”

I
loved and appreciated my mother so much. “Well in that case, feel free to put together any kind of meal you want. You can drop them off whenever you have a chance as we still have some soup left.”

“Ok
ay, son, and in case I haven’t told you before, I’m very proud of you for what you’re doing to help Nicole.”

I
couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks, Mom, I love you.”

“I love you too
, baby. I will drop by later on with some food. Oh, and by the way, Mark has been trying to get in contact with you. Give him a call when you can.”

“Thanks
, Mom, will do. See you later.” I disconnected the call with my mother and immediately dialed my brother.

Mark
answered with anger in his voice, “Where the fuck have you been?”

Oh…please…
“I know mom told you, so don’t act like you don’t know.”

“Mom told me that you’re staying at your friend’s house because you unknowingly prevented her from committing suicide and now you want to help her
. But I don’t believe her. I think you’re on an island somewhere with three or four chicks having all types of crazy sexcapades. And you’re just too embarrassed to tell her that.”

I
laughed at Mark’s ridiculousness. “As much fun as your idea sounds like…I am actually at a friend’s house, helping her through a rough time.”

I
heard Mark take in a quick breath. “Shawn, are you fucking insane? This girl needs professional help, and last time I checked, your degree is in law not psychiatry.”

“I’m not insane
, Mark. Why does everyone think this is a bad idea?”

“Because of who you are
. This isn’t you.”

That actually stung
. Have I really been that selfish an asshole that they don’t believe I am capable of caring for anyone else than myself? It hurt that my own family didn’t think I could do something positive for a friend.

“So tell me something
, Mark. Is helping Nicole a bad idea because I want to help her? Or because she was suicidal? Because I have the funny feeling that had this been Shane, everyone would be rallying around him, offering support and commending him for his bravery.”

Mark was
silent on the phone.

“
’Bye, Mark. We’ll talk some other time.”

I
disconnected the call and threw my cell phone on the table. I didn’t want to waste any more time with Mark’s crap. Besides I had another task at hand. The odor coming from the couch. Nicole was starting to smell. She hadn’t showered in God knows how long.

Nicole

I walk into Jax’s room and I see his little frame sitting on the edge of the bed. I know what’s going to happen but I almost get tricked into thinking its real…. Again.

I know it’s not…

I’ve had this dream on more than one occasion and it always ends the same…

I wake up, and he’s not here. Before I can say anything he stands up and wraps his little arms around my body.

His beautiful eyes lock with mine as I rub my hands through his soft hair. Tears well in my eyes. I don’t want to speak; I don’t want to question it… I just…

I just want to enjoy this dream for as long as I can.

After a few minutes of silent embrace he begins to pull away. In a panic try to grab him, but…

I can’t quite get my hands around him.

My heart starts pounding in my chest.

“J
ax, baby… please don’t leave me. I can’t handle this.”

He gives me a sad smile.

“Mom, I miss you, too. But…I’m okay and I need you to be fine as well.”

A tear slides down my face, but I hold back…not wanting to use this precious time weeping. I try to speak in a calm, strong voice…but in the end
, it comes out like a strangled whisper.

“How can I be okay without you? It’s impossible
, baby. The last little piece of you that I had left has faded.”

He walks over to me again and grabs my hand. “Mom, you can never lose me. I’m always around, you just
need to open your eyes and see me. I’m always with you…but I need you to be strong and live. You have help now.”

He starts backing away in a faster pace. I hear his words but I can’t process them because I’m desperate to get close to him again. I want to hug my baby again.

“Jax, I will never be okay without you. Please baby, don’t leave me!”

“Mom, you can
survive this. I know you can. I love you.”

And with that…he disappears.

Before I knew it, I was awake and running at top speed. I headed into the bathroom and stuck my head straight into the bowl. Every time I had a dream about Jax it affected me like this. As I heaved, I felt Shawn’s presence behind me and his cool hand touched my neck as he gathered my loose hairs back and out of firing range. He smoothed away the pieces that stuck to my sweat-drenched face and pulled it back into a hair tie I had on the bathroom sink. Then he kneeled down beside me and rubbed my back.

My
stomach convulsed violently until it was completely empty. When the urge to vomit left my body, I sat back on my heels and tried to catch my breath. Shawn sat silently in the corner.

Then without prompt
ing, he stood and walked over to the sink. He found my toothbrush and added some toothpaste to it. Then he made his way over to my bath and turned it on. He effortlessly lifted me onto the toilet seat and offered me a disposable cup full of water. I used it to rinse the gunky taste of vomit out of my mouth. Then he refilled the cup and I rinsed again, that time with mouthwash. When I spat that out, my mouth was greeted by a toothbrush. Shawn gave my teeth a thorough brushing and another cup of water to rinse. Then he turned the steaming shower off and began filling the tub with water. “We’re killing two birds with one stone here, because I was just about to suggest that you shower.” He reached for the hem of my shirt and tugged it over my head. I started to feel self-conscious but the gentleness in Shawn’s eyes made me feel at ease. His eyes stayed on my face as he pulled my shorts and underwear down. Then he lifted me off of the toilet and lowered me into the tub.

The water was warm and
soothing, and it felt divine. I leaned back and enjoyed the feeling of the water surrounding me. Shawn left the bathroom for a few minutes and came back holding a purple bottle. He squeezed the body wash onto a loofah and took a seat next to the tub. Then he submerged the loofah into the warm water and then pulled my left leg up. Shawn scrubbed my leg in a gentle yet thorough manner. He started at my toes, getting in between each one and then made his way up to my thigh. Stopping well before a place that could be considered inappropriate.

H
e repeated this process with my right leg and then my arms and armpits. He washed my neck and back and then rinsed me off. He freed me hair from the hair tie and produced lavender shampoo. He squirted some into his hand and massaged it into my scalp. The smell was exquisite; my eyes rolled back as the magic feel of his fingers moved around my head. He took his time as he rinsed my hair, making sure that none of the suds got into my eyes and then repeated the process. Then finished me off with conditioner and a quick comb through.

When he was done
, I felt good—something I hadn’t felt for a really long time. Sliding down deeper into the tub, I enjoyed a few more minutes of relaxation before I got out. Feeling replenished, and a little rejuvenated, I’d forgotten Shawn’s presence in the bathroom, so when he spoke, I was startled.

“I’m going to get some clothes for you to put on.”
Shawn looked away from me before he finished his sentence; a slight blush crept onto his cheeks as he grabbed the doorknob.

“There are some…um…places that I-uh-didn’t wash. I didn’t want to cross the line. So I will give you a minute to handle that.”

My eyes widened with understanding. When he closed the door behind him, I grabbed the loofah and body wash, then gave myself a more thorough cleaning. I released the water from the tub and started up the shower for one final rinse. When I turned the water off, Shawn opened the door slightly and handed me a towel and clothes. Before I could start drying off, he knocked on the bathroom door again, this time to hand me lotion, deodorant, and a hairbrush. This man always seemed to know exactly what I needed. Did I misjudge our friendship? Did he actually care?

As I
groomed myself, the dream I had about Jax still weighed heavily on my mind.

I
lathered a generous coat of lotion on my feet and legs, hoping to gain some clarity while I moisturized. My hands made their way up my thighs and before I knew it, I had covered my entire body. The simple act felt good. It felt…normal. But my thoughts were still fuzzy. I stood in front of the mirror and brushed my hair back. When the knots were clear, I slid my fingers through the strands and made a semi-neat French braid.

Shawn

When Nicole reappeared in the dining room she looke
d like a little bit like my old friend. Getting a glimpse of the way she once looked caused an ache in the center of my chest. I unconsciously brought my hand up to rub my pained sternum. Nicole’s washed hair was pulled back into a French braid giving me a good look at her face. She was natural beauty, the type of woman who didn’t need a bit of makeup to look stunning. I remembered how many guys wanted a piece of her back in college; they would always be disappointed when they heard that she was married. Hell, I had felt the same way. But, I pursued her as a friend, because she was warm, friendly, and generous with her time. Something I had truly appreciated

I
thought back at how different she looked just a week ago. Tired, haggard, pale, and exhausted. The last week of vitamins, water, and food had made a big difference. Her face had filled out a bit and she had a bit more color in her cheeks.

Nicole looked at me
questioningly when she noticed the food and different options of drinks on her dining room table.

“You had nothing to eat here and I didn’t want to leave, so I had my mom bring groceries and some meals
,” I explained

She broke our eye contact and gave me
a simple answer. “My house has no food because I don’t go to the supermarket anymore.” The dread in her voice was clear.

“What? Why not?”
I asked with a troubled voice.

She stared into her lap, fidgeting her fingers
, and blinking rapidly. “Because…Jax and I used to do that together, and now that he’s gone, it’s too hard to do it without him.”

I
sat on the couch and motioned her over to me. She sat on the far end of the sofa and stared out the window. I took her hand and pulled her closer to me. I needed her to know I was here for her and in some way…I was hoping she could feed off my strength and use it to tell me exactly what had happened.

“Nicole, I know this is hard. But we have to talk about this
. What’s going on with you? One minute you were fine…and now….” Words failed me.

"There isn’t much to say
, Shawn. My baby is gone."

I knew that something happened at work, but I didn’t know the whole story so I kept prodding.

"
Nicole, your son died over four months ago. When we reconnected, you were in a better place than you were last week. I knew you were still hurting, how could you not? But, what happened that brought on the suicidal thoughts?”

Tears poured
from her eyes; I gave her hand a light squeeze for support.

"I’m all alone
,” she said in a tearful whisper. "Sure people come by, and I’m grateful for the support. But, eventually they all leave, and I’m still all alone.”

Her words hit me directly in my heart. I
thought back to the times when I too had left her alone. I had noticed the look in her eyes, but had chosen to ignore it. I was about to start speaking, but Nicole’s words cut me off.

“The only thing that kept me going before was my connection to Jax
, and now I don't even have that."

Her words confused me
. "What connection?"

Her voice ca
me out in a strangled sob. I had to be very still and quiet to understand her words. "Even though I couldn’t see him, I could still smell him. I would lie in his room and surround myself with his clothes and enjoy the smell of him. It made me feel like he was still around, you know?" She looked at me expecting me to agree. I nodded my head and fought back my own tears.

"And now the smell is gone. The last teeny tiny piece of my baby boy has faded away. And for the very first time in my life
, I can honestly say that I feel completely alone."

Her words cut me right in the center of my
chest and make a jagged, irreparable cut in my heart. It took every ounce of not being not to cry for - and with - this woman, but I knew that I needed to be strong for her. She needed someone to care. And it was crystal clear that I was that person. Her being strong enough to tell me exactly how she was feeling was the little glimmer of hope that I had been looking for. I placed my hand on her cheek and maneuvered her until we were face to face and our eyes met.

"Nicole, Jax is your baby and there is nothing that can break that connection."

Her agony was transparent. I tried to brush the tears away, but they fell faster than my fingers could move. 

"What you
and Jax shared was special, sweetheart. The bond between a mother and her child, unbreakable."

Sh
e wrapped her arms around my neck tightly and I held onto her with equal force. When the tears subsided I led her over to the table. “I think we’ve had enough soup, so I had my mom bring over some lasagna.”

Nicole hung her head. “God
, Shawn, I’m so sorry. I’m inconveniencing your mother as well.”

“Nicole
, please, my mother lives to take care of people. She’s thrilled to do this, and you’re a girl…so you get extra points,” I said with a smile.

“Really, how so?”
she asked.

“I have no sisters
,” I said matter-of-factly.

“Right, I knew that
,” she mumbled to herself. “So how do your brothers feel about you being here?”

Before I
answered the question I stuck a warm piece of lasagna in front of her. “Well, I’ve only really spoken to Mark so far.”

“Really? And what did he say?”
she questioned, enjoying the change of topic.

I
felt good about having a nice and easy conversation with Nicole. And I hoped that she enjoyed the ease of it as well. I also used it as a strategy to get her to eat, so I waited until she scooped a forkful into her mouth before I answered. “He thought I lied to my mother about being here with you.” Confusion filled her face.

Her eyebrows rose
. “Really? Why?”

“He thought I was on some island having orgies all day every day. And that I used this
‘helping a friend’ story so my mom wouldn’t admonish me about my whorish behavior.”

I
saw a hint of humor in her eyes, but she didn’t crack a smile or actually laugh. The ease in her demeanor was pleasing though. She seemed genuinely intrigued by the dynamic between the Burns brothers. I kept talking and giving her examples of Mark’s ridiculousness and when I glanced at her plate, I realized that she had made it through half of her lasagna.