Just One More Breath (12 page)

Nicole

I couldn’t believe I’d agreed to go to IHOP. What the hell had I been thinking? As soon as I’d agreed, I knew it would be a bad decision. But that damn Shawn Burns has a way of making scary things seem okay. I admonished myself for getting too comfortable with him, as I didn’t want to become too dependent on him. I tried it before and it didn’t work and I was friends with him long enough to know how much he disliked commitment. Although he was making promises and support, and they felt really comforting, I knew it was only a matter of time before the girls started calling and he went running. Leaving me alone…yet again.

I
dug around in my drawer and pulled out a pair of grey sweat pants that were two sizes too big and ten years too old. Then I grabbed a random white tee shirt, not bothering to check if it was clean or hole free and pulled it over my head. I smoothed out the French braid I did after I got out of the shower, pushed my feet into a pair of grey chucks, and went downstairs to meet Shawn.

When
I got to the bottom of the steps Shawn didn’t even try to hide the horrific look on his face. “Is that how you’re going to IHOP?”

I
confusingly looked down at my outfit. “Um…yeah. What’s wrong with it?”

His face looked like he just got a whiff of something nasty. “What’s right with your outfit? You look like you got dressed using clothes from the Salvation Army in a dark room with no mirrors.”

I slipped into defense mode. Here was Shawn trying to tell me what I was doing wrong, just like everyone else in my life. “Look, Shawn, I can dress however I want to dress and if it isn’t up to your standards then maybe we don’t need to go to breakfast.”

Shawn
must’ve realized that I was starting to crawl back into my shell. He approached me cautiously. “Would you go to IHOP with Jax dressed like that?” he asked.

My
head whipped back at the ridiculousness of his statement. “Hell no, he would never ever be seen in public with me dressed like this.”

At that moment
I realized just what Shawn was getting at.

“Well, just because he’s no longer with
you doesn’t mean that you should stop caring about stuff like that, Nicole. I’m sure you have something a little nicer to put on. I’m not saying you have to put on stilettos and a mini skirt, but you’re Jax’s mom. You represent him everywhere you go.”

I
knew that Shawn was totally right, and without another word, I went back up to my room and put on a pair of what used to be, skinny jeans, and a tank top. Shawn’s face broke out into a genuine smile when I reappeared and within five minutes, and then we headed for breakfast.

Shawn slid his fingers in mine as we walked toward my car. My palms became sweaty and my mind was going a mile a minute
. I stopped a few feet away from the car and Shawn stopped as well.

“What’s wrong?”
he asked.

“Nothing
,” I replied, swallowing slowly. “I was just wondering if you could drive.”

He didn’t question it; he just
took the keys, unlocked the door, helped me settle into my seat, and hopped into the driver’s seat. I directed him to IHOP, but when we got to the parking lot my heart started beating rapidly and I found it hard to breathe.

Shawn put the car in park and turned to face
me. “Nicole, we don’t have to do this, coming here wasn’t supposed to be torture. It’s supposed to be a good way to remember your son. If you feel this isn’t working at any time, let me know and we will leave…no questions asked.”

I
nodded.

“Do you still want to go inside? If you say no
, we will turn around and go back to your house. We can have bacon and Club Crackers for breakfast.”

I
smiled. Shawn knew exactly what to say and when to say it. “No, I want to go in…just give me a minute.” I took a few more shaky breaths and let a few more tears fall. Then I pulled down the sun visor, popped open the mirror, and checked my face. I smiled to myself when I did it recognizing the giant strides I was making. When I was satisfied with my appearance, I looked over at Shawn.

“Ok
ay, I’m ready.” 

He cracked open his door and walked over to the passenger side to help
me out.

When
I was standing on two solid feet, Shawn grabbed me by the hand and led me through the parking lot. As we got closer to the entrance I saw a familiar face. Zena stood there waiting for us, and I looked from her to Shawn.

“I called her while you
were getting dressed. I figured the more the merrier.”

I gave his hand an appreciative squeeze as we approached my best friend.
I gave her a big hug. This was the first time I had seen her since our agreement, but I could see in her face that all was forgiven. Shawn and Zena held my hands as we walked into a place that I shared significant memories with Jax. My cardiovascular system went into overdrive. But they were right there offering silent support. They continued holding my hands when we entered IHOP, while Shawn put our names on the waiting list, and even when we walked toward our table. They only released me when it was time to actually sit. Shawn sat next to me while Zena sat facing us. After the waitress placed the menus on the table, I felt Shawn’s eyes on me.

“
If you don’t want to be here, remember, all you have to do is say the word,” he reminded me.

I
smiled. “Yes, I remember.”

I glanced at Zena and she looked pleased.

The waitress came back a few minutes later and took our orders. Then we sat in a comfortable silence. My mind drifted back to a memory of Jax and I started to laugh.

Sha
wn looked amused and confused. “Ummm, did I miss something?”

“No, I just remembered the time when Jax first learned what a dare was and he used it on me at
IHOP.”

Zena laughed, clearly she remembered the story.

Shawn shifted in his seat, seeming genuinely interested in my story. “What happened?”

I
continued to giggle as I spoke. “He dared me to drink a concoction of his own making with things from this table. He said that if I drank it all he would use his allowance, which was in his brand new wallet, to pay for our meal.”

“Did you say yes?”
he asked.

“Of course she
did.” Zena retorted.

“I
would do anything for a free meal.” I realized what that must have sounded like and immediately tried to recant my statement. “Well, not any—”

“Oh don’t try to backtrack now
. I’m saving that little piece of information for future reference So tell me, what was in this mixture?”

I
glanced down at the condiments on the table and started listing things that I knew were in the drink. “He used a glass that had some leftover orange juice in it then he added: A1 sauce, strawberry, blueberry, and original pancake syrup. He found some remnants of whipped cream and butter and some left over dregs of coffee. Then…Tabasco sauce, and some water to thin it out.”

Shawn’s mouth hung open. “And you drank that?”
he asked, trying his best not to gag.

“Sure did
,” I said with pride.

“And Jax made good on his end of the deal?”

I
beamed. “He sure did.”

“Ok
ay, one last question…how did you feel after you drank it?” Shawn asked with a laugh.

“About forty
-five dollars richer…and…let’s just say, that his mixture helped my meal slip right through me.” I winked at Shawn the same way he often winked at me.

“She spent the next day making mad dashes towards the bathroom
,” Zena said. “She even had to run out in the middle of a few meetings.”

Shawn started cracking up and
we finished our meals with big smiles on our faces. I seriously couldn’t tell the last time I’d felt that full. I was almost tempted to undo the button of my pants to relax a bit.

Shawn settled the bill and
we headed out. I rebuked the small part of myself that hoped he would hold my hand again. Zena said her goodbye’s as we made our way into the parking lot. Shawn had been right; the more the merrier had been just what I had needed. It had been good to see with her, and have fun. Before we got back to the car, I stopped Shawn and give him a big hug. “Shawn, thank you for bringing me here, it was great, and really perked up my Sunday.” I planted a chaste kiss on his cheek

“Anytime.”
He shot me another one of those damn winks and we pulled out of the parking lot, into a direction that I immediately knew was not my house.

Shawn

Nicole and I had been hermits in her house for over three weeks. We ate, showered, and played Candy Crush, but unless we were in her backyard, we were always indoors. I figured since we had broken that cycle by venturing out to IHOP with Zena, it would be a good idea to spend even more time out of the house. When we pulled up at a nice quiet house in Queens, Nicole looked at me with concern in her eyes. “This is my parents’ house,” I explained quickly. She started shaking her head and protesting. “Shawn, I can’t meet your parents.”

“Um…why not?”
I asked.

“Because…it’s…
ummm,” she stammered, after realizing she really didn’t have a good reason. Shawn snickered. “Nicole, I’ve been talking about you with my parents for years. They know I’ve been staying with you and helping you through a rough patch. My mom dropped food off at your house more than once and she’s never met you. It’s time.”

“Fine…
whatever.” She let out a frustrated breath and unclicked her seatbelt.

I
got out and met her at the passenger side. Although Nicole said it was fine, I still saw worry in her eyes. I pulled her in for a hug and she automatically placed her ear by my heart. At that very moment I realized I had never had such a special relationship with a woman before…sexual or friendship based. To my surprise, it didn’t feel scary or suffocating. It felt right. Like everything about Nicole, it just felt right.

“Nicole
, I just want you to know that, beside my mother, this is the most meaningful relationship I have ever had with a woman. I really value the friendship we have developed.” The truth in my words was undeniable, but it must have still been hard for her to believe because she looked at me with doubt.

“Shawn
, please, you have quite the reputation amongst our friends and I have also witnessed it. So unless something has changed, which it couldn’t have, because you haven’t left my side in weeks, our friendship can’t hold a candle to the encounters I have heard about.” She laughed, trying to break the tension.

I didn’t
find it funny; her words actually hurt my feelings. I stopped her as she attempted to walk away. “It’s no secret that I’ve slept around, but that doesn’t mean those encounters had meaning. The time we’ve spent together over the last month means a lot to me and I value the close friendship we have developed.”

She stared off into the street uncomfortably.
I gently placed my fingers on her chin and brought her eyes back to mine. “And don’t ever compare our friendship to the random girls I’ve had in my bed. Do you hear me?”

There it was again,
my subtle alpha-male side.
Seriously, what is this girl doing to me?

Nicole’s eyes widened
. She swiped her tongue over her bottom lip and whispered, “Alright.”

I
stared at her for another few seconds. I felt that magnetic pull and urge to kiss her. I had to force my mind back into the here and now. I placed my palms on her face. “You ready?” I asked, not sure if I was asking if she was ready for a kiss or to meet my parents.

Her eyes sparkled.
“Yes,” she said.

“
Let’s go. My parents are going to love you.” I smiled, grabbed her hand, and led her to the door. I mentally chastised myself for the places my brain was trying to take thoughts of Nicole and then rang the bell.

My
mother pulled open the front door. Judging by the welcoming smile and open arms, she was pleased when she saw us. "Oh, baby. What a pleasant surprise." She pulled me in for a big hug and kiss, and then pushed me away when her eyes locked with the woman standing beside me. “And you must be Nicole."

B
efore Nicole could reply, my mom pulled her into a huge hug, and then topped it off with a kiss on the cheek. Nicole looked a little bit uncomfortable, but my mother either didn’t notice or didn’t care. She grabbed Nicole by the hand and led her into the house. My dad was sitting on the couch watching European soccer league on the television.

He too was stunned when he saw
my mother walk in hand-in-hand with Nicole. She didn’t give me a chance to introduce Nicole to my father; she was all over that poor girl like white on rice. “Michael, this is Nicole, a lovely friend of Shawn’s," she said with a ridiculously huge smile on her face.

I
was terribly embarrassed, for myself and for Nicole. “Mom. I can introduce Dad to Nicole myself,” I grumbled. She glanced at me for a split second then she started leading Nicole over to the couch. “Okay, baby, go ahead,” she said.

I
stood there looking like a complete idiot because she had basically said exactly what I had planned on saying. Although, I would have added that this was the Nicole I’d gone to college with, as it had been true that I had talked to my parents about her over the years of our friendship.

After a heartbeat
, my parents were back to giving Nicole their undivided attention and I was off the hook. My mother glanced at Nicole and asked, "Are you guys hungry?"

I
answered before Nicole could. "No, we actually just ate breakfast at IHOP."

"Perfect
. That gives me time to marinate some meat to throw on the grill. In the meantime, let’s get some drinks in our hands."

My
mother was in her element; she hopped off the chair and started moving toward the kitchen while still talking. "I was thinking about calling Mark and inviting him over…but I won't as this is a good time for the four of us to just hang.” Within seconds, my mom was marinating meat, and before I could blink, we each had a drink in hand.

“It’s still early, so I made us
my world-famous ‘Nail Me cocktail.’”

I took a sip of my drink.
“Mom, this tastes like Malibu and pineapple juice.”

“There is Malibu and
pineapple in it, but I add extra things and I call it Nail Me,” my mom said as she headed back to the kitchen.

I
glanced over at Nicole and she had both hands wrapped tightly around her drink and her head was down. I made my way over to her, pulled her up, and started leading her down the hallway. “I’ll show you to the bathroom, just in case you need to use it...or need a mental minute away from my crazy family,” I whispered into her ear.

She gave him a small smile and followed closely.

~*~*~*~*~

After their overwhelming greeting
, I feared that having Nicole spend the day with my parents would be weird and uncomfortable. But surprisingly, it turned out to be a really good time. There was laughing, talking, storytelling, and Nicole seemed to really enjoy being around my parents. Michael and Sylvia Burns were not your typical parents. My mother was very devoted and loved to take care of her family, but she was also very modern. Loved to drink, dance, and have a good time, she loved to pamper others and she loved to be pampered. It was a real shame she never had a daughter to enjoy manicures, pedicures, and spa days with.

Michael Burns was a typical man
’s man; he served over twenty years in the military. So naturally, he’d wanted his boys to be tough, show no emotion, and to be providers for their families. But he too loved a good time. He kept handing beers to Nicole and me every time our current ones broke the halfway point. 

My dad
took a seat next to Nicole and handed her another beer, and a heartwarming smile touched her lips. “Mr. Burns, if I didn’t know better, I would think you’re trying to get me drunk,” she said jokingly. He grinned and winked. Nicole giggled. "Ah! So this is where Shawn gets his smooth ways from."

"Not just Shawn, all of
 my boys were lucky enough to inherit this charm I possess," Dad said with pride.

I
saw my mother look at Nicole and she snuck her an exaggerated eye roll. I had to stifle my laugh so no one noticed my creepy observance of their interactions.

Nicole further surprised
me by striking up a conversation with my dad. “So I saw you watching soccer when I came in, are you a Chelsea or a Manchester United fan?”

My
dad looked surprised. “I wasn’t expecting that question. Soccer really wasn’t a big sport here in the States.”

“My son really enjoyed playing and then he picked up watching the European leagues because he wanted to know all about the players when the World Cup came around again.”

My heart swelled when I heard her using such strength and courage when she spoke about Jax. I quietly stood and left them to their soccer chat deciding to help my mother fire up the grill.

"I really like her
, Shawn," my mother said with a bit too much enthusiasm.

"Mom
, we are not romantically involved...so don't go getting any ideas."

She pouted
. She literally let her bottom lip hang like a child who wasn’t getting her own way. "Shawn, she's a beautiful young lady. It's time you leave all the riff raff alone and find yourself a quality woman. And besides, didn’t you say she makes you feel all swoony?" She made her eyebrows wiggle and I started to laugh.

"Riff raff? Mom
. Where do you get these sayings? And I don’t know what swoony means," I countered.

"I’m serious
, Shawn. I have a really good feeling about Nicole. Don't let her slip away."

I
ran a hand through my hair and sighed. "She’s going through a rough time and I’m helping her...nothing more, nothing less."

My
mom put her utensils down and looked me straight in the eye. "Shawn, I think she could be very good for you. I'm not saying something needs to happen now, but don't close your mind to the possibility."

I
nodded, I knew better than to argue with Sylvia Burns when she felt passionate about something. “Fine, Mom. I won't."

Fifteen minutes later
, we were back amongst my dad and Nicole with plates full of all things barbeque. My mother took the other seat next to Nicole, so I had no choice but to sit next to my dad. When the meat was all gone, my mother went inside and reappeared with warm brownies.

Nicole went to town on them, groaning and moaning with every bite. “Oh my goodness, these brownies are heavenly
. How do you make these?”

My
mom grinned at the compliment. “I have my secrets….but I am more than willing to share with you.” Her comment startled Nicole and me.

Nicole looked a bit confused.
“Why would you share it with me of all people? Shouldn’t you share it with your daughter-in-laws? Or granddaughters?”

My mother
laughed at her statement. “Nicole, I have four boys. Two of them have serious commitment issues and one is super secretive about his love life.”

I
chimed in hoping to deter the conversation “Gee, thanks, Mom.”

She gave
 me a warning look. “I didn’t say any names, so if you feel offended, that’s your own conscience nagging at you.”

I
looked away sheepishly and my mother continued her rant.

“
And the last one is marrying a Cuban missile crisis,” my mom spat out.

Nicole gasped
and I couldn’t believe my mother was putting all of this out there the first time she met Nicole.

“What do you mean by that?”
Nicole asked.

My
mother shook her head in disdain. “If you ever meet Mariana, you will know exactly what I’m talking about.”

Nicole silently shook her head.

“And then there is Matthew,” my mother continued. “He’s away serving in the U.S. Air Force in Germany, and we know nothing about whom he’s with. So you see my dear, you may just be a friend to Shawn, but you may very well be the only woman to cross my door with one of my sons. So, tomorrow, I will come over and show you how I bake brownies. If that’s alright with you.”

Nicole
 smiled. “I would love that. While we’re baking, would you mind showing me how you make lasagna? Shawn and I lived off your lasagna for a week, and I loved it.”

The excitement in
my mother’s face grew. “I would love to. It there’s anything else you want me to make, just ask. We can make a day of it tomorrow.” She gave Nicole her millionth hug of the day while I yawned repeatedly in the corner.

Then
I glanced at my watch. We had such a good time there I didn’t notice that it was after ten o’clock.

Nicole also noticed
my yawn. “You ready to go home, Shawn?” she asked.

My
parents’ eyes widened as the word "home" casually rolled off her tongue.

I ignored the looks and nodded, the insinuation didn’t bother me. I had been sleeping at her house every night for the last month. Her home practically was my home. My parents walked us to the door and another hugging fest began.

When
my dad pulled Nicole into his arms he squeezed her tight and gave her specific instructions. “Listen to me, young lady, don’t be stranger. You can come over here any time you want, with or without Shawn, okay?” She nodded.