Just The Way You Are (26 page)

"It doesn't matter, Alli. I'm not going to sell out."

"Are you sure? This could be your chance to start over, Sam, in every way. Maybe you should take it."

"Maybe I don't need to start over, Alli. Most people only start over when they're losing. I don't think I'm losing."

"What does that mean?" she asked in confusion.

"It means you just kissed me."

"So?"

"Like I said, it's a start."

"A start to what?" She held up a hand. "Don't answer that. Not today. I'm feeling too good today, and I don't want to spoil it just yet."

"Daddy, we need help," Megan called, running toward them.

Alli tipped her head toward Jimmy and Tessa. "Looks like it's time for you to be a hero again."

"We're not done talking."

"For now we are. We found the pearl, Sam. And I think somehow everything else is going to work out the way it's supposed to. And for the moment, I'm going to just do what Grams always tells me to do."

"What's that?"

"I'm going to have faith."

* * *

Phoebe put a hand to her neck and felt the warm pearls against her skin. She looked at the man standing a few feet from her. "It's beautiful, isn't it?"

"As are you."

"The girls found it together. They're a family again. I wish you could see them."

"I can," he said simply. "And you, my love, are you ready to sail away with me?"

She wasn't afraid anymore. In fact, the water was deliciously warm, and when she reached out to John, she could feel him. No more elusive longing. He was here. He was hers.

"You won't leave me again?" she asked.

"Not ever again. I love you, Phoebe. I've missed you."

"And I've missed you."

Chapter 22

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A
lli grinned as Jimmy tried to talk Sam into climbing the tree and rescuing the kite entangled in the branches. Before she could suggest that Jimmy make the journey himself, her cell phone rang.

"Hello," she said, flipping it open, expecting to hear Mary Ann's voice, but it was William. "What?" The words rocked her to the core. The group around her fell silent as she tried to make sense of what he was saying.

"Phoebe has had another stroke," William repeated. "They're trying to resuscitate her. Hurry, Alli. Hurry."

She flipped the phone shut, her gaze running immediately to Sam. "Grams has had another stroke. We have to go now."

"No," Tessa cried, putting a hand to her mouth. "That can't be right."

"She'll be fine. We have to believe that." But the word
resuscitate
ran through Alli's head.

"Is Grams going to die?" Megan asked her.

The question hung in the air for a long moment.

"Why don't Megan and I stay here and practice our kite flying?" Jimmy suggested. "We'll meet you back at the house later. What do you say, Megan? I could use some more practice."

She looked uncertain. "Mommy?"

"It's a good idea, honey." Alli gave Megan a quick hug. "Jimmy is pretty bad at this, and we don't want him to embarrass the family."

"Okay. But you'll tell Grams I love her?"

"I'll tell her."

Alli just prayed they would have the chance.

In the minutes that it took to get to the hospital, Alli went through a hundred different emotions, but the one she kept coming back to was fear. Phoebe couldn't die. They'd found the pearl. It was supposed to make everything all right.

Somewhere between the parking lot and her grandmother's room, Tessa took her hand, and Alli clung to it like a lifeline.

Dr. Price stopped them outside the door to Phoebe's room. His face was a picture of compassion, of pity, of sympathy. Oh, God!

"I'm sorry," Dr. Price said. "Phoebe had another stroke. A massive one this time. And her heart stopped. She didn't make it."

"She didn't make it? What does that mean?" Alli asked wildly. "How could she not make it? She was getting better. You told me she was getting better. She was going home on Monday. I don't understand. She's not dead. She can't be dead. I have to see her."

"Alli," Sam said softly, putting his arm around Alli's shoulders. "She's gone."

"No. No." Alli looked into his eyes and saw the truth but she didn't want to believe it. "I didn't say good-bye. She can't go until I say good-bye." Alli turned her head and saw Tessa frozen in place, staring at the door to her grandmother's hospital room with an expression of pure terror.

Alli slipped away from Sam and put her hand on Tessa's arm. Tessa looked at her in confusion. "Why is this happening, Alli?"

"I don't know," Alli said shakily.

"You can both go in if you want," Dr. Price said quietly. "Mr. Beckett is with your grandmother now, so whenever you're ready…"

Alli glanced back at Sam. He nodded in encouragement. "I'll wait here for you."

She took a deep breath and entered the hospital room. It was dark, not only from the closed blinds but because the bright lights that had disturbed her grandmother so were now dimmed in respect. William rose from the chair when he saw them, his eyes anguished, his hands trembling as he put his arms around both of them.

When he released them, Alli looked over at her grandmother, lying flat in the bed, so still, so pale. Her heart broke and the tears streamed down her cheeks. "Oh, Grams," she whispered. "I wanted to tell you that I love you, but now you're gone, and I can't." She sat down on the edge of the bed and kissed her grandmother on the cheek, shocked by the coolness of her skin.

Tessa came around the other side of the bed, keeping some distance between herself and Phoebe. "She looks like she's sleeping, like she might wake up any second and tell us that she can't die yet, because…" Her voice broke.

"She hasn't finished counting the stars," Alli said with a sob.

"She told us it would be all right," Tessa said in confusion. "Why isn't it all right, Alli?"

Alli shook her head. "I don't know. I miss her already. Oh, God! I can't believe she's gone." She took a breath, feeling overwhelming sadness. "I can't believe I'm never going to talk to her again. She's never going to walk into her house or kiss Megan or pick a flower in her garden or tell me to stop acting so childishly. I wanted her to see that I've changed, that I've grown up."

"She knows that, Alli. She knew us better than we knew ourselves."

Alli looked into Tessa's eyes. "How can we go on without her?"

"We just will," Tessa said helplessly.

The clock ticked off another loud minute. It was the only sound in the room, a painful reminder that they had been too late.

"I thought the pearl would save her somehow," Alli said. "But instead I think it set her free. That's why she gave it to Sam. She must have known, must have felt something."

"That's why she sounded like she was saying good-bye to us earlier. She didn't want to scare us but she wanted us to know that she loved us," Tessa said.

"I feel so alone, so terribly alone."

"You're not alone." Tessa held out her hand across the bed and Alli took it. "I'm here."

Alli squeezed Tessa's hand. "Thank God. We can't forget that we're sisters, Tessa. We share more than just blood and memories. We share love. And we are better together than we ever were apart." Alli looked down at Phoebe, feeling a deep and penetrating sorrow. "If Grams taught us anything, she taught us that."

* * *

Two days later, on the Fourth of July, Alli walked down the pier toward the boathouse where Sam, Megan, Tessa, and Jimmy waited for her and the silver urn she carried in her hands. It felt strange to be carrying her grandmother's ashes, but then the past forty-eight hours had been surreal as they had dealt with the business aspect of death all the while being frozen with grief and despair.

There had been little time for reflection. They'd been busy answering the phone, receiving casseroles and desserts and filling out forms. Alli wasn't sure when it would all sink in—maybe today, when they spread her grandmother's ashes across the sea that she could never bear to leave.

William met her at the end of the dock, standing away from the others in a stark black business suit. He'd lost weight, and there was a bleakness to his eyes that she would never forget. When she reached him, she gave him a hug, blinking back the perpetual moistness that claimed her eyes every time someone looked at her with sympathy.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

"Never again," he said gruffly. "But somehow I'll go on. We all will." He paused. "I'm not going out on the boat with you."

"You're not?"

"No." He looked out at the sea, then back at her. "I never thought this was where she wanted to be, just where she had been forced to live. In other words, I thought she grew where she was planted," he said, repeating her grandmother's favorite phrase. "Now I know that this was where her heart was always. The last few months, I'd been begging her to marry me. I told her I could give her a mansion in Philadelphia or a mountain retreat in Colorado, but all she ever wanted was her house by the sea."

"I'm sorry. I know what it's like to love someone who doesn't love you back the way you want, the way you hope." She took a deep breath. "I think Grams did love you in her own way."

"The only way she could," he agreed. "But I can't go out on that ocean with you. This was her place. Hers and John's. It wasn't mine. It wasn't meant to be. I hope you won't think me disrespectful, but I need to go home now."

"I understand. You've been a tower of strength for all of us. I just wish it didn't have to end this way."

"So do I. Good-bye, Alli. Take care of yourself and your family." He started to leave, then stopped. "I don't regret loving Phoebe, even though she thought it was a huge waste of my life. She never understood that loving her made me happy, that in a way it was enough for me." He paused, sending her a very direct look. "I don't expect it will ever be enough for you. If Sam doesn't love you enough, find someone who will. You deserve it. Don't sell yourself short."

"I won't," she promised. Alli watched him walk away, then took a deep breath and headed for the boat. Sam took the urn out of her hands as she stepped on board. Jimmy gave her a smile and a hug. Jimmy had been great the past few days, taking care of Megan, making sure they all ate, even making them laugh. Alli wished Grams could have met Jimmy. She felt sure Phoebe would have liked him.

"I'm thinking maybe I should stay on dry land and wait for you," Jimmy said to her as Sam started the engine and Tessa began to explain to Megan exactly what they were going to do.

"No, you should come."

"I'm not family."

"You're a friend, a good friend. Please come."

"Well, I'd like to be here for Tessa."

"Then stay." Alli walked over to Megan and picked her up in her arms. "How's my baby?"

"I'm okay, Mommy."

"She's just like you," Tessa told Alli. "A million questions, and she keeps asking me each one in a slightly different way until she gets the answer she wants."

"That's my girl."

"Everyone ready to go?" Sam asked.

Tessa looked at Alli. "We're really going to do this, aren't we?"

"It's what she wanted," Alli replied.

"I can't believe we're spreading her ashes on the Fourth of July, on her wedding anniversary. She was supposed to be home today."

"I think she is home," Alli said softly. "I think she's with Grandpa."

Tessa nodded and slipped her arm around Alli's waist as Sam took the boat out to sea. It was a bright, beautiful, sunny day, the kind of day when anything seemed possible. The wrong kind of day to bury someone, Alli thought somberly. Or maybe, as the minister had told her earlier, maybe the angels were celebrating Phoebe's coming-home party.

Finally, Sam cut the engines and they drifted on the waves, Tucker's Landing a beautiful harbor behind them, the rest of the world waiting on the horizon.

"Do you want to say something?" Sam asked Alli.

"Grams didn't believe in funerals. She didn't want any ceremonies, no long speeches, no public farewells. So I guess we'll just say, So long, Grams, we love you." And Alli let the ashes fly with the breeze as they sailed across the water and toward a new future.

* * *

They weren't going to participate in the kite festival, but upon returning to the docks they found half the town waiting for them, a picnic lunch set up at the park in lieu of the memorial service Phoebe's lifelong friends knew she didn't want. But they were all there to talk about her, to celebrate her life along with the Fourth of July.

When the kite festival began at four o'clock, Alli found herself just behind the starting line, waiting for the others to come back with the kites. Sam walked up to her a moment later, his hands empty. "Megan insisted on carrying the kite."

Alli simply smiled.

He put a hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Not really. Do you think Grams would mind us doing this?" she asked. "It seems disrespectful."

"I think she'd expect you to go on, Alli. It's what she always did, after she lost her son and later her husband. Even when Tessa left, she told us to get on with our lives, that we weren't meant to stand still in one place, but to embrace whatever life held in store for us."

His words gave her a comfort unlike any other, and she couldn't stop herself from giving him a tender kiss on the lips. It was meant to be a brief caress, but once there, she found herself lingering, tasting, memorizing everything about him. They hadn't talked about anything personal in the last forty-eight hours, and soon they would have to face the reality of their lives. But not now. Now she just wanted to stop thinking and love Sam for just a few more minutes.

When she finally pulled away, she was almost shaking from the intensity of her emotions. She didn't know if she could bear to lose Sam now. Her resolve to let him go, to give him his freedom, had weakened considerably since her grandmother's death. How could she go on alone? But she knew she had to do just that. She had to let Sam have a chance at the life he wanted, whatever that was.

Sam looked down at her, his eyes dark and serious. "We need to talk, Alli."

Her stomach turned over. She couldn't do this now. Couldn't say good-bye to anyone else, not today.

"We can't. They're about to start the kite race."

He hesitated, seeing she was right as Megan, Jimmy, and Tessa drew near.

"Daddy, are you ready?" Megan called, lining up next to Jimmy and Tessa.

"Do us proud, okay?" Alli said lightly.

Sam leaned over and kissed her firmly on the mouth. "I'm going to impress the hell out of you. Just watch."

"I won't be able to take my eyes off of you," she said.
I never could.