Katie Opens Her Heart (17 page)

“You haven’t lost me!” Katie tugged on
Mamm
’s arm. “If you want to sit down, I’ll tell you all about my evening. Please,
Mamm
.”

Mamm
sat back down, and Katie spoke rapidly. “There were all these young people there. Girls I had never met before, and they came up to shake my hand and ask me how I was doing. We played volleyball, much like we do at our youth gatherings. The young people on both sides of me spoke with me while we played.”

“There were boys, weren’t there?”
Mamm
asked, still not looking at Katie.

“
Yah
, it was Roy’s birthday party, so boys were invited. But the boys didn’t do anything wrong, and neither did I.”

Mamm
was looking at her now, the lines even deeper on her face.

“Everyone was awfully nice,” Katie insisted. “And we had cake and ice cream afterward. The boy whose birthday it was even thanked me for coming, when it should have been me thanking him for inviting me. Oh
Mamm
, you don’t know how
wunderbah
it was to be accepted and talked to. I can’t tell you even half of it.”

“Come then,”
Mamm
said, getting to her feet. “This is even worse than I’d imagined.”

“But we did nothing wrong!” Katie repeated. “And I was so happy with these young people. I want to go back again. They invited me, and Esther said she would take me. Don’t you want me to be happy? Please,
Mamm
?”

Mamm
stopped in front of the stair door and opened it. “Just go to bed, Katie. You’ve had enough excitement for one night. Those young people have apparently made a big impression on you, but the feelings you experienced won’t last. What we have here is real, not what’s out there in the world. I hope you’ll see that before it’s too late.”

“I want to be happy,” Katie said quietly. “And I want you to be happy like I was happy tonight.”

Mamm
kissed Katie on the cheek. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Those people have addled your brain. Go to sleep now, and we’ll talk about it later.”

Katie sighed and slipped up the stairs, stopping at the door to her room to look back at her
mamm
, who was still waiting at the bottom of the staircase and holding the kerosene lamp in her hand.

“Good night,” Katie said to the silent form before entering her room.
Mamm
would never change her mind about the Mennonites. Never in a million years. And yet Katie knew she wanted to go back…needed to go back. And she had to keep praying that
Mamm
would open her heart to
Da Hah
’s grace.
I need a
daett
, and
Mamm
needs a husband
.

Chapter Twenty

Emma sat on the edge of her bed listening to the silence of the house around her. Katie would be asleep upstairs by now, but Emma couldn’t sleep. Not after hearing what Katie had to say about her evening with the Mennonites. Her daughter had not only entered a serious stage of rebellion, but she was enjoying it. What was a
mamm
supposed to do?

She looked at the empty side of the big bed where Ezra used to lay all those years ago. His voice echoing Katie’s words still haunted her, causing waves of guilt to wash through her mind. How could she be so wrong? It seemed almost impossible to believe, and yet it must be true. Even while she kept on telling Katie the same things she always had. It was all so confusing, between Katie attending the Mennonite youth gatherings, and thinking that Ezra wouldn’t approve of the way she was living.

Emma pushed the thoughts of Ezra away. She would have to find the strength to get through this problem. But how? She could be strong, but strong was no longer
gut
enough. She could give Katie lectures, but she’d already tried that. She could appeal to their love for each other, but Katie already knew that. Besides, it seemed to make no difference.

Emma stood and paced the floor of the bedroom. She soon moved out to the kitchen. Here she’d found peace an hour ago praying for Katie. She’d even dropped off for a few minutes of sleep. Perhaps she could find calm here again. She had to. Life couldn’t be lived in the confusion that was tearing her heart apart. Dropping to her knees, Emma tried to pray, but she could only groan as Katie’s face rose before her. How happy she had looked when she arrived home. Oh, how deceiving the world out there was! How could an innocent girl like Katie be expected to withstand its charms?

And Katie wasn’t to blame really. She was only reacting to what her life had been so far.
The blame is mine
, Emma thought. She should have seen this coming and done something about it. She should have known Katie would be tempted. After all, Emma had been tempted when she was young. Tempted to love someone who would never love her back. But not even in her wildest dreams of loving Daniel Kauffman had Emma stepped out of the Amish faith.

Emma searched her mind for answers. Perhaps she should have allowed Katie to attend more of the Amish youth gatherings. Katie might have become a bigger part of the community and felt less alone and neglected. She might never have been lured in by Mennonite young people.

Emma groaned and got to her feet. She grabbed her shawl from the living room closet and walked outside. The late moon hung over the horizon as Emma stood on the front porch. Its pale light reached halfway across the wooden floor. Emma moved over to the shadows where the swing was. She sat down. Holding still, she wrapped her shawl around her shoulders.

She looked across the front lawn and tried to pray again, but no words of praise or plea would come. Instead, words of complaint formed in her mind. She couldn’t allow that.
Da Hah
did what He did, and it was always for the best. Yet how could that be? How could Ezra’s death have been for the best? Had he lived, this would not be happening. She was sure of it. Yet Ezra was with God and His angels even now walking on streets of gold. He knew only happiness and joy. He was wearing the crown
Da Hah
had no doubt given him when he arrived—a crown well deserved for his life of righteous faith lived on this earth. Ezra had even believed love would come to her frozen heart long before
Da Hah
had used Katie to accomplish the task. For that faith alone, Ezra must be wearing a crown several feet high.

Emma gazed at the moon for long moments. Apparently Ezra still thought love could grow in her heart again. Be how could that be true? She had frozen her heart solid for too many years.

And she was now left to walk on this earth with only Katie as a companion. That had seemed
gut
to her for all these years. She’d been strong, and there had been enough mercy from
Da Hah
to live on. But none of this was
gut
enough now. Not if she lost Katie. Life wouldn’t be worth living, and losing her would forever lay on her conscience. How could she look forward to the day when she would see Ezra again? A look of disappointment would be on his face for sure now. She believed Ezra would have been told what had happened before she arrived—that Katie had been lost. And Emma wouldn’t receive a heavenly crown after such a failure.

Emma moved the swing with her feet as sobs racked her chest. The soft groanings of the wooden slats under her were like the rumblings in her soul. Emma drew comfort from the sound. At least something in this world understood her agony and shared the pain. Oh, she would do almost anything to win Katie back. Almost anything!

That thought hung in the night air for a moment. Anything? Would she really do
anything
? What was anything? Going to talk with Deacon Elmer?
Nee
, that wouldn’t do any
gut
. Making a trip to Lancaster to speak with her brothers whom she hadn’t seen in quite a few years years? Emma shook her head. They wouldn’t know what to do. No doubt their own children were into
rumspringa
, and they would tell her to take a deep breath and calm down. They’d tell her things would get better after awhile. But things wouldn’t get better. She was certain of that. She knew Katie, and Katie was very serious about what she was doing.

What
gut
was there in being willing to do anything when there was so little she could do? Emma pondered the question. No doubt many a parent had been where she was now. They had been willing to cross the ocean on a paddleboat, crawl a hundred miles on their knees, disgrace themselves in front of their entire communities if only their child could be brought back to them.

What she needed was someone to stand by her side, Emma decided. Someone who could feel what she was feeling. Someone who would be as desperate as she was about saving Katie. Someone who could share her groans. Perhaps even someone who could find the words to pray when she couldn’t. Did she have someone like that? Yes! The thought raced through her mind. Emma leaped to her feet. Behind her the swing swung sideways against the house, hitting with a loud whack. Emma’s hands flew to her mouth. “Not Jesse Mast!” she said out loud. But he wanted to marry her, didn’t he? He had come over twice now. And he would care about Katie, wouldn’t he? And he would pray for her. He would offer advice in words Katie would understand. Jesse did so for his own children. And wouldn’t Ezra approve of this? He certainly wouldn’t approve of how she was living now.

More thoughts flew through Emma’s head like busy bees buzzing around their hive. She’d just said she would do anything to save Katie, hadn’t she? But
this
? She couldn’t again marry a man she didn’t love.
Yah
, the last time
Da Hah
had given mercy, and love for Ezra had come eventually. But she had been innocent then. Now she knew what it was to feel that deep stir in her heart, that longing for a man’s attention.
Nee
, she could never open her heart to another man.

Yet…could she…would she…consider it for Katie’s sake? And there had been Ezra’s voice so clearly spoken that night on the basement steps. After all these years of protecting her heart? It was almost too much to imagine. There would have to be a miracle to change her heart. There was no question about that. Emma lifted pleading eyes toward the porch ceiling. What was she to do? She had to save Katie. She
had
to. But how could she do this great wrong against a godly man like Jesse? He wanted to marry a woman who would eventually love him. But even if she were willing to wed, that was something she couldn’t promise. What if the miracle didn’t happen the second time? What if it wasn’t like it had been with Ezra?

Emma paced in and out of the moonlight. She saw the faces of Jesse’s children pass in front of her. She remembered them one by one. Leroy, the oldest, who sat in the church services, his face stern just as the elder child’s should be. That spoke of a father who knew how to raise godly children. Her hands trembled.

She kept going, running the list of Jesse’s children through her mind. Willis was the tallest one even though he wasn’t the eldest. Mabel was taking care of the whole household by herself since her
mamm
had passed. Many times Emma had driven by their place in the past year and noticed the wash had been done early and was on the line flapping in the wind. No girl who knew how to work so diligently could have a
daett
who didn’t know how to raise children.

Jesse’s second girl was named Carolyn. She never seemed to get noticed at church; she usually stood quietly with girls who were her age. And she’d grown even quieter in the year since her
mamm
had died. Was that not also a sign of a
gut daett
?

And the youngest boy—Joel. He’d grown a lot the last time she’d noticed him. He was a well-behaved child, Emma remembered. She sat on the porch swing again. They were all angels, she decided. Especially Joel. She remembered brief glimpses of his face during Sunday services. His head would be in his
daett
’s lap and he’d be sound asleep during long sermons. Joel didn’t run around the house after the services or need calling down like some of the other boys did. The younger children were the first to be spoiled, she knew, but Joel didn’t seem spoiled.

Indeed, Jesse must be a very
gut daett
. She could see nothing but positive signs of it. And this was the same Jesse who asked her hand in marriage! Emma leaped to her feet again, this time the swing whacking the back of her legs. “I can’t believe I’m considering this,” she said aloud. And yet Emma knew she was. Not just for Katie’s sake, but for her own as well. Emma limped into the full moonlight and lifted her face to the heavens. “Oh
Gott im Himmel
, how could You forgive me for what I’ve done?”

Emma answered her question with a groan. “Forgive me for what I’ve done. Speak to Katie please,
Da Hah
, even as she is sleeping. Touch her heart with repentance. Let her see the wrong way she’s traveling and how she’s hurting people much more than she knows. Help me, please, as I try to change.”

Emma waited, but the weight on her heart remained. “Please let Your will be done, even when I am so weak,” Emma prayed. She took one last look around before she went back inside the house. She left her shawl lying on the living room couch, went into her bedroom, and slipped into bed. She must think no more of her troubles tonight. She pulled the covers tight against her chin and finally drifted off into an exhausted sleep.

Chapter Twenty-One

The following morning Jesse sat at the breakfast table finishing the last of his eggs and bacon. He filled his bowl with steaming oatmeal and added some brown sugar and cream. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that Mabel was watching him. She would be worrying about the food, no doubt, wondering if the eggs had been done like
Mamm
used to make them.