Katie Opens Her Heart (4 page)

Mamm
led Sparky off while Katie stood there and stared after her
mamm
. Only when
Mamm
looked over her shoulder did Katie walk toward the house. Once inside, she went upstairs and changed into a choring dress. She joined
Mamm
in the barn ten minutes later.

Mamm
didn’t offer any further comments about changes, so Katie wondered if she dared mention Jesse Mast and his intentions. But the words had to be said or something was going to burst inside her.

Katie sat down to milk one of their two cows. She adjusted the three-legged stool before pushing the milk bucket under Molly’s udder. Behind her,
Mamm
threw down a bale of hay from the loft. A cloud of dust rose, spreading across the barn floor. The beams of sunlight through the open barn door shone through the settling dust. At least there was still peace in the world, compared to the turmoil of her day, Katie thought as a smile crept across her face.

Moments later the peace that had descended over their chore time was disturbed by the sound of buggy wheels coming down the driveway.
Mamm
had said nothing about someone coming. Half standing, Katie peered out the barn door. Molly protested, and Katie lunged for the bucket of milk, jerking it out of the way before the cow’s hind foot came forward.

Katie sat down again. Whoever this was, she’d just have to wait and see.
Mamm
wouldn’t want her stopping halfway through the milking just to see who had driven in the driveway. And
Mamm
certainly wouldn’t want milk spilled on the barn floor.
Mamm
came down the hayloft opening, and Katie relaxed.

“Did I hear someone drive in?”
Mamm
asked.

Katie nodded.

Mamm
walked to the barn door and looked out. Her face tightened.

Katie turned her head, trying to see through the door to catch a glimpse of who it was. There was no one in her line of vision.

Mamm
was still standing at the barn door, making no effort to walk out to the visitor’s buggy.

“
Gut
evening,” a deep, male voice said from near the barn’s front doors.

Katie jumped. Jesse Mast. He had returned.

“
Gut
evening,”
Mamm
replied.

Katie ducked her head behind Molly. Was
Da Hah
sending them help already? She was certain He was. Surely
Mamm
would also see the wisdom of accepting Jesse’s advances. Their needs were obvious enough for everyone to see.

Chapter Four

When Jesse left an hour later,
Mamm
set out a meager supper of warmed, leftover meat casserole and fresh peaches. Then she disappeared into her bedroom.

Katie waited beside the kitchen table, ready to sit down and begin eating alone if
Mamm
didn’t come back soon. It was understandable that
Mamm
would be disturbed over Jesse’s visit—if, indeed, he had come to ask
Mamm
to be his
frau
. No doubt becoming another man’s
frau
after being married to
Daett
would cause anyone to have ruffled thoughts. But
Mamm
would accept Jesse’s proposal. She simply had to!

Jesse and
Mamm
had talked while
Mamm
finished the chores—with a little help from him. Then they’d talked for a long time out by his buggy. Katie hadn’t been able to catch a glimpse of Jesse’s face before he left, but
Mamm
had looked quite stern afterward. Still, it was a
gut
thing this had happened—and just at the right time. Now Katie wouldn’t have to bring up the subject.

She sat down and bowed her head in prayer. Hearing the bedroom door squeak on its hinges, Katie paused and looked up. Her
mamm
was coming. She waited until
Mamm
was seated before bowing her head again. They prayed in silence, with
Mamm
keeping her head down for long moments after Katie had lifted hers.

“
Mamm
?” Katie reached over to touch her arm. “I’m sorry it’s so hard for you, but I’m glad to see that Jesse is coming over. It’s time,
Mamm
.”

Mamm
’s head flew up. “How do you know what he came over for? Has someone told you something?”

Katie met
Mamm
’s gaze. “
Nee
, but I can guess. I think he’s seeking your hand in marriage.”

A look of embarrassment crossed
Mamm
’s face. “It’s a shame and a disgrace, I say, when these things have to be done right out in the open where the eyes of the young can see them.”

“I’m not that young,
Mamm
,” Katie corrected. “I’m an adult now.”

Mamm
leaned closer. “You heard something at Byler’s? Is this how you know what Jesse is after?”

Katie shook her head. “I only know because it’s the perfectly normal thing to do,
Mamm
. You lost
Daett
years ago, and Jesse lost his wife last year. Of course he wants another
frau
, and you would make a decent match for him. And I want a
daett
.”

Mamm
frowned. “I still don’t think you should know so much about these things. Jesse might have come over because he wanted to borrow something.”

“But he didn’t, did he? Oh
Mamm
!” Katie allowed her excitement to well up. “Have you said
yah
to Jesse’s offer? I know we will be absolutely happy as a family. What with Jesse’s five children…Oh! I can’t believe this might be really happening!”

Mamm
added lima beans to her plate. Still frowning, she said, “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but it’s
not
happening. I’ve told Jesse both times he was here that I will not agree to his calling on me. And there certainly will be no wedding.”

“But
Mamm
!” Katie wailed. “Why not? We need a man around the house. I’ve never really had a
daett
, not like the other children did growing up. It’s still not too late.”

“I’ve said
nee
to Jesse Mast.”
Mamm
set her lips in a tight line. “We’re doing fine alone, just like we always have. I’m not changing that.”

“But,
Mamm
, everything changes!” Katie made no attempt to hide her desperation.

“Not in our world it doesn’t, Katie. And it doesn’t in the world of our people. I will have you think about that long and hard.”

“
Mamm
, our people marry all the time!” Katie persisted. “That’s the right kind of change.”

“There’s no use arguing,”
Mamm
said. “I’m not marrying Jesse. And I’m troubled that you’re so interested in the subject all of a sudden. You never were before.”

“Maybe I am changing,” Katie shot back. She couldn’t believe the words had burst out of her mouth, but they had.

Mamm
looked shocked and silence settled over the table. Then she said, “Just as I suspected. This comes from working at that store.”

“Please,
Mamm
,” Katie coaxed. “I can’t help it if changes occur.
Da Hah
made us the way we are.”

“He didn’t make us without the ability to make choices,”
Mamm
said. “And we have to make the right ones. Marrying Jesse is not the right one for me or for you.”

“So there is someone out there you like then? You’re just objecting to Jesse personally?”

“This has nothing to do with Jesse,”
Mamm
said. “I’m not marrying again. And I think it would be best if you didn’t think of boys either.”

“But why?” Katie gasped.

“Because…”
Mamm
gave Katie a sharp glance. “Because you’ll avoid a world of hurt, that’s why.”

Katie struggled to gather her composure. They finished eating, bowed their heads in another moment of prayer, and then Katie stood to clear the table.

Mamm
washed the dishes and Katie dried them. As she was drying the last saucer,
Mamm
cleared her throat. “I guess I owe you an explanation, Katie. I didn’t realize you were changing as fast as you are. It seems like only yesterday you were a little girl. And now you’re turning into a young woman. I guess I haven’t noticed.”

“It’s only natural to grow up,” Katie said. “But I’ll always be the same person. You don’t have to explain anything to me.”

“But I want to.”
Mamm
took Katie’s hand and led her into the living room.
Mamm
let go and wiped her hands on her apron as they sat on the couch. “I’m just trying to find the right words. I’ve never done this before.”

Katie waited, not moving at all. What great and awful secret was
Mamm
preparing to tell her? Was it something that would change her life forever? Not likely.
Mamm
was more interested in keeping things the same then changing anything.

Mamm
cleared her throat. “See, Katie, I loved a boy once—a long time ago. I won’t tell you his name because you might run across him sometime. I don’t want you to feel awkward or say something that might embarrass him. He was a good-looking boy—in fact, the best-looking boy in the community. At least I thought so, and a lot of other girls did too. I suppose many of us had dreams of turning his eye. But I didn’t do a very good job of keeping my secret, so the other girls teased me.”

Katie took a deep breath, listening intently.
Mamm
had never talked like this to her before.

“Of course,”
Mamm
continued, “he was way above me. I should have known better, but I thought all things were possible with the great love I had in my heart for him. I dreamed of the day he would smile in my direction. And then one summer evening at the youth gathering he did. I thought I would faint from the joy in my heart.”

Katie said nothing as she stared at her
mamm
.

“He even spoke words to me that night that gave me hope,”
Mamm
continued. “I, of course, was too blind in my happiness to realize he’d probably said the same things to other girls before me. In my innocence, I built great hopes out of that little molehill. And when the mountain was at its greatest—when I really knew I loved him the way a woman loves the man she marries—well, it was then that he started taking another girl home from the Sunday-night hymn singing.”

“
Mamm
, I never knew this.” Katie took her
mamm
’s hand in hers.

Mamm
’s fingers were cold. She gazed out the living room window, a faraway look in her eyes.

“What happened?” Katie asked.

Mamm
shook her head before continuing. “Everyone knew how I felt. At least all the girls my age did. They’d known all along what he would do. So when he left me for another girl, it was hard to face them. It was hard to pretend I was enjoying myself around them when most of them knew my heart was broken. For the next couple of years I must have said
nee
to at least three other boys who asked me home. Even after the way he treated me, I kept hoping my dream love would come true and he would come back to me. It was only at his wedding, when I sat there and heard him promise to love another girl for the rest of his life, that I gave up and allowed my love for him to die.”

Katie sighed, her fingers tight on her
mamm
’s hand.

“Don’t worry, Katie.”
Mamm
tried to smile. “Not long after the wedding, I accepted your
daett
’s offer to take me home. We were married the next year.”

“But,
Mamm
, you still loved someone else.”

“Not really. It doesn’t quite work that way. At least not for our people. The other love had died, and love for your
daett
grew in its place. Not quickly though. It came to full fruition after you were born, I think. And when I finally could admit to myself that my love for your
daett
was real, he…died.”

“I’m so sorry,
Mamm
…” Katie said.

Mamm
took a hanky from her apron and wiped her eyes. “Now do you see why I don’t want anything to do with marriage? I don’t think my heart can take anything more. And as for you, I couldn’t bear to ever see you hurt like I was. It’s better, Katie, if we just stay the way we are. You and me together.”

Katie stared ahead, her hands in her lap now.

“Can you understand a little bit?”
Mamm
stroked Katie’s arm. “That’s why I couldn’t have been happier with the way things were going, Katie. Nobody seemed to be paying much attention to you—boys, that is. I tried to keep things that way by dressing you decent but plainer than most and keeping you from joining the
rumspringa
crowd. You grew so slowly, it was like
Da Hah
was helping me. Now when I see you starting to mature, to change, I can’t bear it. I feel you’re slipping away from me. You’re no longer the little girl I once held in my arms. Yet I hope you will always be the one who stirs joy in my heart.”