Kayden: The Past (15 page)

Danielle looked so small and breakable lying in the hospital bed. She was asleep or passed out from the medication that was still coursing through her system. My heart was broken. I thought I’d experienced loss in my life, but it was a piece of me, a piece of us that died tonight. I didn’t have any memories to look back on, no joyful moments filled with kisses, nothing – just emptiness.

She called me at work hysterical that something was wrong and that she was bleeding heavily. She was at the end of her trimester. Long enough for us to both fall head over heels in love with idea of being parents. We started to buy clothes, blankets, and all the little things you need when a baby’s on the way. We already planned and dreamed of what life would be like in six short months.

I’d lost friends and family in my life, but nothing cut a hole in my heart like the loss of a child, my child. The loss of a vision, a dream felt something entirely more, something soul destroying. I know at first I was scared shitless about this baby, but in this moment, I felt nothing but complete loss and utter sadness.

“Mr. Michaels.” A voice behind me pulled me out of my emptiness. I turned to face the doctor with a deep exhale. There really was nothing more to be said. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you for your kindness, doctor. How’s my wife?” I asked.

“She’ll recover, but the trauma of losing a child will take her some time to deal with.” I was traumatized, and the baby wasn’t even inside of me; I couldn’t imagine what she’d feel when she finally came to. “She’ll be able to get pregnant again. There’s no permanent damage.” It’s a funny phrase – no permanent damage. Maybe not in the physical sense, but my heart had a chunk removed that I’d never get back. “Wait a couple of months before trying again.”

We didn’t try this time, and eventually, I looked at it as a blessing; now, it was an event I couldn’t wipe from my memory. “Okay, thank you. When can I take her home?”

“Give her today to rest and make sure there are no other issues; you should be able to take her home tomorrow.”

I shook my head at a loss for words; something I’ve rarely experienced. I couldn’t keep thanking him. It wasn’t a joyful event, and I had nothing to be thankful for, except for Danielle. I walked away from him and towards my wife, my life. I sat in the chair next to her bed and held her hand. I rested my head on the bed and ran my hand across her now hollow abdomen. I needed to be strong for her. I needed to be her shoulder to cry on; she was more important than me.

I stared at her, waiting for her to wake up. Would the right words come to me in that moment? I hoped they did. Most would pray in this moment, but the words I had for God, if there’s one, weren’t pretty. I had no baby to whisper to while mommy slept; it was only her and I.

Her hand squeezed my finger, and I looked at her. Tears were streaming down her face, but no sound escaped her lips. I wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Kayden, the baby?” Danielle asked.

“Shhh, sweetheart.” I crawled in bed and held her in my arms. “They couldn’t save the baby; it was too little, D.” I held her face against my chest and let her weep. She wailed, and the tears soaked my shirt, but I never let go of her.

“It’s my fault. I did something wrong,” she cried. I held her tighter not wanting to let go.

“You did nothing wrong. Don’t say such crazy things. It just happened, love.” I rocked her as she wept.

Tears led to exhaustion as she fell asleep against my chest. I feared the sadness would ruin us, drive us back down into addiction. I knew I was on the edge and craving something, anything to forget and dull the sadness I couldn’t escape.

I stayed with Danielle in the hospital that night. I couldn’t go home to an empty space and look at the baby stuff lying around the house. I knew the sadness would lead to drinking, and I couldn’t go there now because Danielle needed me. I called my mom and asked her to go to our place and put any baby items in the nursery. I didn’t want Danielle to see it when she walked through the door. We’d have to face it eventually. I just didn’t want it to be the first thing she saw when she walked through the door. I didn’t want it to be the first thing I saw; the thought of it made my stomach hurt.

Danielle was almost catatonic, answering in one syllable words and short phrases and not holding a conversation on the drive home. I helped her inside and thought about the vision I had of one day walking through the same door as a family, but it had vanished.

She looked around the apartment, “Where’s the baby stuff?” She looked to be panicked.

“It’s still here. It’s all in the bedroom.” I couldn’t use the word nursery. It wasn’t one anymore; it was a bedroom just like it was before Danielle ever came into my life. She pulled away from me, “No, D, don’t go in there now.”

She didn’t answer me and walked straight into the bedroom and crumpled in the center of the room. I wrapped my arms around her. She grabbed a teddy bear off the chair and held it and rocked back and forth. I didn’t know how to deal with the situation or what to do for her. I just let her cry and feel the sadness she needed to.

When her crying slowed, and she became limp in my arms, I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. She stared at me as I started to remove her clothes while she sat on the edge of the bed. “Come on, baby doll. You need some rest. Let’s get you out of these clothes.”

“Don’t leave me,” she said with a broken voice.

I held her face in my hand, “I’m not going anywhere, Danielle. You’re mine, my wife, everything I have in this world. I’ll always be here for you.” She wrapped her arms around me and held on to be so tightly she almost choked me.

“In the bed, come on.” I pulled her arms away from my neck and helped her lay down. I removed my clothes, letting them fall to the floor in a heap with hers. I climbed in next to her and wrapped my body around her, enveloping her in my warmth and love.

My mom stayed with Danielle the first couple of days when I went back to work. She never really liked Danielle and didn’t agree with her line of work; my mom wanted a June Cleaver type for a daughter-in-law, but those weren’t the ones who I lusted after. My mom put her feelings aside and wanted to be there for us; she’d lost a grandchild and mourned with us.

Danielle had changed. The funny spitfire I’d known before she had dreams of booties and bottles. The connection we had before, the electricity that filled our relationship was only a flicker. Everything between us seemed strained as we tried to put our life back together. I didn’t know how to fix the fracture that formed in our bond. Weeks passed slowly, and everything was stagnant. Something needed to change… I held on to every shred of hope I had that we’d survive. A month passed, and she was a shell of her former self.

“I want to move, Kayden… I hate it here.” I was thrown for a loop. She never expressed those feelings before, and I didn’t know how to respond.

“You do?” I didn’t know if she meant another apartment or a different city.

“I want to get the fuck out of Cleveland. I need a change. There are too many memories and temptations.”

I sat there and stared at her. “Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t care, out of state. A fresh start for us.” She sat down next to me on the couch. “I need this. I can’t walk into this apartment anymore. I think of the baby and all the happy memories we would’ve had and never will.”

“Okay, sweetheart. I don’t know where we’ll go or what I’ll do. We have to be able to survive.”

“My friend, Trish, called yesterday while you were at work. Her husband is the manager for a cable company, and they’re looking for installers. You’d be a contractor and basically be your own boss. She said there’s a lot of money in it. We should go there.”

“St. Louis? What the hell is in St. Louis?” I asked. I had dreams of Florida and warmth, not another Midwestern state covered in snow.

“All I know is it’s not here, and you’d have a job waiting for you.”

How could I say no? There really was nothing to hold us here. My mom had Joe and his family, and Danielle hadn’t talked to her mother in ages. The rotten woman never even bothered to come around when we lost the baby. She didn’t give a fuck about her daughter.

“I guess we can go there, if that’s what you want.”

“I want it, and I’m not going to change my mind either.” She looked at me with a face of stone. I didn’t have a reason to change her mind. If it didn’t work out, we could go back to Cleveland; it would always be our home.

“I’ll call her husband and find out about the job. See if it’s really worth going to St. Louis, okay?”

“Yes. You’ve made me happy today, Kayden.” I wanted to make her happy every day, but it was exhausting lately.

Danielle and I made love that day for the first time since the loss of our baby. It was slow, gentle, and face-to-face. I needed that physical connection with her, the hole in my heart closed a little. I loved my wife and would go to the moon and back for her, but I was just as heart broken and damaged as her.

Everyone seems to forget about the father of the lost child. I didn’t carry the baby, but I had just as much love and emotion tied up into the loss of it. The Danielle who captured my attention long ago was no longer there; the façade was the same, but her insides had changed forever. She didn’t look at me with the same sparkle, and her face didn’t light up when I walked into the room. I hoped the change of scenery would help put the spark back in our relationship and help us feel like a couple again.

Meet Me in St. Louis ~ Danielle

This had been a mistake. I came to St. Louis without Danielle. I had training and needed to find a place to live while she packed up our belongings. The problem with St. Louis was where I lived and whom I lived with. The house was stuffed with eight guys who all worked for the same company. They left their wives behind for quick money and flew home periodically. It was a frat house filled with temptation.

I bought a work truck and the tools I needed to get the job done. The days were long and grueling out in the elements. I did like the work. I didn’t think I’d like it as much as working sales, but I liked working with my hands and being outdoors. I wasn’t tied to a single space; the city was my workplace.

I missed Danielle, missed our life we had together. I didn’t know where anything was in this fucking city. I had my roadmap and had to study it at every turn. It slowed me down. I kept her and our time together in my thoughts to help me make it through the day.

I was so lost in my daydream driving to my next job I almost missed my exit. I quickly cut across three lanes of traffic to just make it and avoid an extra half hour of driving. Sirens immediately filled the air. I shook my head.
Naturally there would be a cop to see me.
I pulled off to the side of the exit and rolled down my window.

He approached my truck with his hand on his gun. “Sir, license and registration, please.” I reached over and grabbed my wallet off the seat.

“I’m sorry, officer. I’m new to the city. I didn’t mean to do that.”

“License, please.” He held out his hand and didn’t want to engage in small talk, I guess. I handed him my license and watched him walk away and climb back in his car.

I had a bad feeling about him. He didn’t seem to be the type to give me just a warning. I hoped he would; my license was still registered in Ohio. I hadn’t lied to him. The wait felt like an eternity as he returned with his pad of paper.