Keeping Her Secret (14 page)

The words hit Courtney like a boulder to her chest. “You think I’m a liar?”

“You lie to everyone around you. No one knows the real you, not even you. You can’t really be honest with
yourself
unless you’re drunk.”

Courtney wanted to tell her that Riya knew the real her. That she’d shared things with Riya she’d never dreamed of telling anyone else. The moments they spent alone were the truest Courtney’d ever lived.

She reached out to grab Riya’s wrist.

Riya yanked her hand away, raising it to tug on her ponytail, running her fingers through the thick strands all the way to the bottom.

Riya spoke. “I don’t want to hide my feelings for you anymore, Courtney. I want to shout it from the rooftops. Don’t you want that, too?”

The panic pumping through her blood intensified as she pictured it in her head. If it were just Pine Ridge, she might be able to deal with it. But now they were talking about St. John’s, too. They were talking about her life. Her real life. Once the cat was let out of the bag, no one could put it back in again. If people knew… She couldn’t.

After several seconds of Courtney not answering her question, Riya sobbed once.

“What is it?” Riya asked through angry tears. “Are you embarrassed of me? Am I not good enough to be with Courtney Chastain?”

Of course not. How could Riya think that? “You said you’d wait until I was ready to come out.” She’d let Riya and Colt talk her into telling Dee, and Courtney’d been suffering minor panic attacks ever since, worrying Dee would say something to give her away.

“I’m done waiting,” Riya said. “If you cared about me at all…”

Courtney’s face flushed red and hot. Riya’s words hit her like a punch to the stomach, and she took several steps back from her. For Riya to make Courtney’s coming out about herself when she knew how much it might cost Courtney was more selfish than Courtney thought Riya capable of. “I just mean…we have something special, Courtney. Fate has gifted us the perfect chance.” She motioned at the gorgeous moonlit lake like it was some sort of sign. “I’m going to your school next year. We could be great if you’d let us.”

Absolutely not. It couldn’t happen like that. Courtney had to stop this now. Riya would just keep pushing her to come out. Either way, it would have to end when they went home. She might as well end it tonight before either of them could get too attached. Before anyone could get too hurt.

“There is nothing special about
us
.” The lie tasted bitter on her tongue.

Riya froze, her eyes growing so wide that they swallowed all the moonlight. “What are you saying?” Her voice cracked.

“Don’t you get it?” Courtney spat.

She knew she sounded angry. Because she was. At her parents. At the world that was making her do this.

At herself.

“You’re right,” she continued. “I don’t care about you. I’m experimenting. Rebelling before I have to go back home. You’re willing. It’s convenient.” Courtney’s stomach revolted against her words, threatening to toss up her dinner. She retreated until the lifeguard stand hit her back. She leaned against it, grateful for its support.

Maybe it was the way Riya’s face crumpled in on itself, but Courtney swore she could literally hear Riya’s heart breaking. As much as it ached, that’s how Courtney knew she was doing the right thing. One more week of carrying on like they had been and Riya might shatter when it ended. Courtney might splinter into so many shards she’d never be able to put herself back together.

Riya’s chest heaved. “Why are you doing this?”

She dug her nails into the wood at her back. One last lie and it would be over.

“Because you’re more trouble than you’re worth,” Courtney said.

Riya’s tears sparkled in the moonlight. Underneath them, her face went pale and creased with anger.

“You’re a coward.” There was a bitter bite to Riya’s words. “Why don’t you just run away, like you always do?”

Courtney pushed off the lifeguard tower and trudged through the sand, leaving Riya standing alone. For the third time.

For the last time.

Chapter Fourteen

Dee was livid. The twins and Elise were confused. Colt was unbearably sympathetic. Bridget was simply unbearable.

And Riya? Riya was… Well, it changed minute by minute. A day and a half after their fight at the beach, she still didn’t know what to think or do most of the time.

When she woke up to find Courtney gone in the morning, she wondered how Courtney’d gotten permission to leave for practice without her. For Riya’s part, she’d decided to skip morning practice from there on out. A couple of days’ rest wasn’t going to ruin her. And the extra hour of sleep did wonders for shrinking her puffy, red, cried-out eyes.

She told herself she’d put in a couple of extra hours once she got back home. Practicing with her parents returning the ball to her would be more productive than practicing alone anyway.

Not to mention, canceling the morning practices reduced her chances of running into Courtney alone to near zero. Worth it.

During the after-lunch rest period, Becky handed them their mail. She had a small package from her parents with a couple pounds of her favorite candies—peanut butter cups and Almond Joys—and a long letter detailing all of their moving adventures. She smiled as she read it, realizing how much she’d missed them over the past several weeks. After tucking it away, she lay down and closed her eyes, trying to get a little rest. Getting to sleep at night, knowing Courtney lay only feet below her, had proven more than difficult.

Elise’s laughter broke through the soft buzz of conversation. “He did not!” she said, then laughed again.

Someone else made a shushing sound.

Though the rest of them spoke quietly, Riya was now honed in on her friends’ conversation at Dee’s bunk. She didn’t begrudge Dee her happiness with Colt, but she just couldn’t handle that kind of talk right then. Quietly, Riya slid down the ladder to the floor and slipped her feet into flip-flops. As she walked out the door, she caught Dee looking at her. Her friend gave her a small nod and sympathetic smile.

She didn’t really have an idea of where she was going, but she knew she couldn’t stay in the cabin. Her next activity would be in the arts hut, so she headed in that direction, walking slowly and taking in the scenery. The majestic mountains, green forest, and sparkling lake were lovely, but part of Riya couldn’t wait to get back to real civilization with internet and cell phone service and all of its virtual distractions.

When she approached the arts hut, she noticed movement inside the windows, and her steps stalled. Memories of her first day at Pine Ridge flashed through her brain, mixing with the image in front of her. Inside, Courtney twirled and leapt with singular grace, disappearing in the space between windows and bursting back into view.

Riya knew she should walk away. She wanted to. She just…couldn’t. So she stood there under a cloudless mountain sky and watched Courtney dance.

“That’s a little stalkery,” Dee said from behind her.

Riya breathed a deep sigh as Dee stepped up to stand next to her.

“I’m going to have to get used to seeing her every day,” Riya said. Thinking of walking down the same hallways as Courtney, maybe being in the same classes with her, was a knife twisting in her gut.

“You wanna talk about it?” Dee asked.

Riya hadn’t yet told Dee everything, just that they’d fought and Courtney had broken up with her. She’d told herself the pain had been too new and raw to open up those wounds again, but part of her knew she didn’t want to admit to Dee some of the things she’d said to Courtney.

Riya soaked up one last lingering glimpse and turned to stroll down the path past the boys’ cabins. Dee followed.

“She doesn’t care about me. She never did.” Riya fought back the tears as she recounted Courtney’s words. “I was her teenage experimentation.”

“Did she actually say that?” Dee asked, her voice rising with disbelief.

Riya nodded. “She made it painfully unambiguous.”

“Is that how she opened?” Dee asked. “Like, ‘Hey, just kidding, I don’t like you, I just wanted to try out some sweet, sweet lady kisses’?”

Riya’s gaze dropped to her feet. “Not exactly.” She gave Dee a full account of their fight. It was easy to remember, since she’d been replaying the words in her head every brutal moment. When she finished, Dee stayed quiet.

They passed another cabin and, still, Dee didn’t comment.

“Okay, come on,” Riya said. “What?”

“You want the truth?” Dee asked, raising an eyebrow at her while somehow squinting at the same time.

Riya’s blood went cold. Dee regularly laid out painful truths without any warning, so if she thought Riya needed prior notification of this particular instance? Riya was not going to like it.

She took a deep breath, steeling herself. “Lay it on me.”

“You might have pushed a little hard for her to come out,” Dee said. “Her face went white as limestone when you told me. She’s not ready. She wasn’t ready.”

“I don’t want to force her to come out.” Something squeezed tight in Riya’s chest. “I don’t.”

“But you wanted her to publicly acknowledge you as her girlfriend?” Dee said.

Riya chewed on her bottom lip, not answering. That was what she had wanted, but Dee putting the two together made her realize what she’d been asking Courtney to do. Her stomach plummeted as a terrible sinking feeling crept across her torso.

“You do realize those two things cannot be mutually exclusive, right?” Dee said, her voice kind but firm. “If she holds your hand, if she kisses you, she’s out. I mean, you’re not an idiot, so I know you understand that on some level, at least.”

Riya blew out a breath and buried her face in her hands.

“You have a great support system and had a relatively easy coming out, and that’s super awesome,” Dee said, placing a hand on her back. “But Courtney’s will not be so easy. She’s terrified, and she has every right to be. You basically told her your feelings were more important than hers.”

Tears welled in Riya’s eyes. “Okay, okay, I get it.” She held up a hand. “I’m the worst.” Her heart wrenched when she thought about how Courtney must have felt—like Riya’s desire to be acknowledged was more important than Courtney’s need to feel safe.

Dee bumped Riya with her shoulder. “So do you think that she meant it? That she didn’t care about you? Or do you think she felt trapped?”

Riya hadn’t even considered that Courtney hadn’t been telling the truth about her feelings that night or since. She looked over her shoulder, but sun glinted off the arts hut windows and she couldn’t see anything from that distance. It didn’t matter. Courtney had made one thing perfectly clear in the last thirty-six hours: she did not want to talk to Riya ever again.

…

Courtney spent every free second working on her dance. It was the only reason she hadn’t called her parents to come get her the night she left Riya alone on the beach. She just had to perform flawlessly in front of David’s dad and hope he saw something special in her.

She avoided Riya, changing her schedule to activities she knew Riya hated. Any time they were forced to be in the same room, Courtney ignored Riya like her life depended on it. So far, so good. Mostly.

Courtney barely slept. She tossed and turned all night until her alarm went off. She missed those stolen hours with Riya, and she missed the friendships she’d made with Stefanie, Elise, and Dee, who wouldn’t speak to her. And after she’d told Bridget off for being so mean to her
friend
Riya, Courtney had no one else. She’d started at the top of the social food chain and now she was nothing.

And she didn’t care.

It was liberating. She didn’t do her makeup if she didn’t feel like it. She didn’t strategically time her entrances or her outfits for maximum effect. She went through her days without wondering what anyone else thought of this action or that statement.

Colt regularly stopped in to check on the dance’s progress. He tried to talk to her about Riya, but she flat-out refused every time. If she didn’t talk about or look at Riya, then Riya didn’t exist. Then Courtney’s feelings for her didn’t exist.

The day before the talent show—the day before they would go home—Courtney and Colt conducted a dress rehearsal before breakfast. Colt played the piano while Courtney adjusted her dance to the confines of the cafeteria “stage.” She’d practiced so much over the last couple of weeks that she no longer had to think about what came next. The dance flowed effortlessly and she loved how the live piano instilled elegance and panache.

The last echoes of the music dissipated.

“It’s incredible,” Colt said, awed.

“Really?” Courtney asked. “You don’t think it’s too…maudlin?”

Colt laughed. “Only you would think a ballet set to Adele could possibly be too emotional. It’s perfect.”

She sat on a bench to untie the laces of her ballet shoes. “It has to be,” she murmured. Imminent dread had crept up on her over the past week. Though she knew she had so much ahead of her, she couldn’t help feeling like tomorrow would be her last chance.

Colt dallied on the piano, slipping seamlessly from song to song, crafting an accidental melody.

She pulled a pair of flip-flops and a sweater from her tote and slipped them on, tucking the ballet shoes in the bag. Courtney tossed the bag under her seat at the end of her cabin’s table.

The notes slowed and then stopped. Colt’s fingers rested lightly over the keys. He watched her closely in that way that promised trouble.

“You’re not going to take your stuff back to your cabin?” Colt asked.

Courtney blinked, then glared at him. He knew better. Courtney’d been doing an excellent job of avoiding Riya, leaving in the morning before she woke and returning at the last possible second every night.

He sighed and stood. “What are you going to do when we go back to school?” he said. “She’ll be there.”

Courtney’s heart erupted into a salsa beat, but she kept her face stoic. “It’s not like we’re going to run in the same circles. She’s a jock
and
a scholarship kid.”

“She’s my friend, too, you know,” Colt reminded her, as if she’d been able to forget with her, him, and Dee spending every waking second together. “You can’t keep me from hanging out with her.”

“Traitor.”

Colt looked at the ceiling and blew air out in a noisy raspberry. He was annoyed with her.

“What do you expect me to do, Colt? The daughter of Chastain and Chastain cannot parade around St. John’s Academy with a girlfriend on her arm.”

Colt’s eyes turned sad. “That’s the problem. You are not the daughter of Chastain and Chastain. You’re something better. You are
Courtney Chastain
. You can be whoever you want to be. You can do whatever you want.”

It wasn’t so simple. It could never be that simple. Why was she the only one who saw that? “You’re naive.”

He studied her for several seconds. “Maybe, but you’re a cynic. And it’s going to cost you the only other person in the world who truly knows you and loves you anyway.”

Loves you.
The words scored themselves across her skin. Because in the days before their fight, Courtney had been so close to saying those words a hundred times.

Heat flared across Courtney’s face and in her chest. “I’m a realist. It’s not my fault I actually see things for how they are.”

Colt tucked in the piano bench, then strolled over to kneel in front of her. “Courtney, I love you. All I’ve ever wanted for you is happiness. And for two weeks, for the first time in a long while, you had it. I saw it. Don’t be mad at me for wanting to see that again.”

The silence stood between them as Courtney searched for something to say to make him understand.

Colt intruded on her thoughts. “Don’t
you
want that again?”

Courtney forced a breath through pursed lips. “Colt. I just…can’t. Our parents—”

“Have nothing to do with this,” Colt interrupted.

He was starting to get angry. He wasn’t the one who should be angry. Courtney was the one getting grilled and accused.

She turned to pick up her bag, but Colt placed his hands on her shoulders, bringing her attention back to him. “You know I’m going to support you no matter what you do. I will never tell you how to live your life. Just…don’t let anyone else. Especially Mother and Father.”

“Mom threatened to cut me off if I went to Juilliard. What do you think they’d do if I brought home a girlfriend?”

It was so easy to talk with Colt about things that made her feel like the sky might fall down around her when she pondered them alone. He was that way with everyone; it was his gift. It seemed like all Courtney could do was make other people feel worse about their insecurities. She hoped that wasn’t her gift.

Colt waved his hands. “Forget everything outside of you. Does your heart speed up when she looks at you?”

Courtney bit her lip, refusing to even consider the question. “That’s not…” She trailed off weakly.

He nodded once. “Does your skin tingle long after she’s touched you?”

Courtney felt the ghost of hundreds of shivers on her skin. She clutched her arms around her waist, suppressing them.

“Court,” he pleaded with her. “Do you love her?”

Courtney swallowed. She did not answer. She did not even acknowledge the answer to herself.

Either her lack of denial spoke volumes or Colt saw something in her face, because he raised his palms up in an agitated gesture. “That’s it, that’s all you need. Jesus, that is
it
. If you have that, everything is possible.”

She shook her head. “It’s impossible.”

“No.” He stood up. “It’s hard.”

“Exactly!” She gestured back at him.

“But let me tell you the secret: all relationships are hard. They all come with their unique challenges. And most of them aren’t even worth it. But someone like Riya doesn’t come along every day. The universe handed you a second chance on a silver platter. Don’t waste it.”

Courtney had never been a big believer in fate—“meant to be” was such a cliché—but neither did she put much stock in coincidences. Riya was here, in the summer camp Courtney had been attending since she was a child. And starting in August, Riya and Courtney would be in the same building every weekday for nine months. Courtney had to wonder if that meant something, if it was a sign.