Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions (27 page)

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Authors: June Hunt

BOOK: Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions
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Why Should We Forgive?
We are called to forgive others because that is precisely what Jesus came on earth to do for us. He died on the cross so that our sins would be forgiven. Likewise, He tells us to forgive our offenders. Therefore, if we refuse to forgive, we are taking on the role of being a higher judge than God Himself!
Second, as author William Walton vividly described it, “To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee.”
2
What a picture! In other words, just one grudge can eventually debilitate us.
Angry unforgiveness harms you just as much, if not more, than the one who hurt you. It binds you to your pain and perpetuates your anger. To forgive by releasing your resentment is to free
yourself
as well.
How Do You Actually Forgive Someone?
Make a list of all your offender’s offenses—they are your “rocks” of resentment. Imagine a meat hook around your neck. Then imagine a burlap bag filled with your heavy rocks of resentment hanging from the hook. Everywhere you go, this heavy burden weighs you down. Ask yourself:
Do I really want to carry all this pain the rest of my life
? (Obviously not!)
Are you willing to take your offender and the offenses off your emotional hook and put this person and all the pain onto God’s hook? The Lord knows how to handle it all, in His time and in His way. Deuteronomy 32:35 says, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay.”
You can release your resentment right now by sincerely praying this prayer:
Forgiveness Prayer
“Heavenly Father, thank You for caring about how much my heart has been hurt. You know the pain I have felt because of
(
list every offense
)
. Right now I release all that pain into Your hands. Thank You, for Jesus’ dying on the cross for me and extending Your forgiveness to me. As an act of my will, I choose to forgive
(
name
)
. Right now, I move
(
name
)
off my emotional hook to Your hook. I refuse all thoughts of revenge. I trust that in Your time and in Your way You will deal with my offender as You see fit. And Lord, thank You for giving me Jesus’ power to forgive so that I can be set free. In Jesus’ holy name I pray. Amen.”
5. Replace Your Anger with Trust in God’s Love
Anger is a defense mechanism. It is designed to help you avoid further pain when you’ve experienced something traumatic. When you stay mad for a long period of time, you can become attached—and accustomed—to your habitual anger.
That’s why, when you begin to let go, it’s important to fill the emotional void with a new source of comfort and security: the assurance of God’s unfailing protection in your life. Whereas you once defended yourself behind a firewall of hostility, you must learn to take shelter in the invincible fortress of God’s love. Not that you won’t still experience attacks—fireballs will still be hurled. But never forget that God’s shielding grace surrounds you.
The only fireballs that will land in your life are those God allows to get through. In that case, they are used for
your good
and
His purposes.
Does this sound familiar? Do you have the feeling you are not the first to walk this path? If you’ve read the Psalms, the answer is surely yes. On page after page, David and other psalmists poured out their heart-wrenching feelings of hurt, fear, frustration, and injustice—only to return time and time again to the familiar touchstone of God’s infinite goodness and might. As David wrote:
“My salvation and my honor depend on God;
He is my mighty rock, my refuge…
One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard;
that you, O God, are strong,
and that you, O Lord, are loving.
Surely you will reward each person
according to what he has done”
(PSALM 62:7,11-12).
Here’s a powerful path to freedom: As you learn to let go of unresolved anger, let God’s Word speak to you. Read at least five psalms a day for a month. Read them out loud, and soon peace will permeate your mind and spirit instead of painful angst.
When I made the conscious choice to forgive my father and release all my grievances to God, it was not because my father
asked
forgiveness or showed any signs of remorse or repentance. It was not because I thought he deserved it or because I knew I “should.” It was because God said, “Do it,” which meant it was in my best interest.
Convinced of God’s love for me and persuaded of His trustworthiness, I wholeheartedly trusted His instructions to me. So for me the choice was clear and the decision definite—it was a no-brainer. I would do whatever God asked of me, just as Jesus did whatever the Father asked of Him—even if it meant forgiving the guilty and trusting God with the “little” matter of justice.
Just as Jesus entrusted Himself to the Father, He asks us to entrust ourselves to Him. And when you know you are loved unconditionally and sacrificially, it is more than doable! So as an act of my will, I chose to forgive my father.
From all outward appearances, nothing changed. My father was the same. Our relationship was still the same. But God knew my heart was not the same. It had been deeply—and forever—changed.
6. Restore the Relationship When Possible
Once you have
realized
and
revisited
your ancient anger, as well as
released
the ones who hurt you from their debt, be ready to seize the opportunity to
rebuild
the trust needed for a healthy relationship. Naturally, God’s purpose is for us to live peacefully with each other whenever possible.
The apostle Paul wrote in Romans 12:17-18, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
That is a recipe for harmony in all our relationships. But notice a key phrase in this verse: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you…” When it comes to restoring a broken relationship, this is the crux of the matter. Reconciliation isn’t always possible or even desirable.
God doesn’t expect us to “get along” no matter what.
Our protection from further harm always comes first. If the person who wronged you refuses to take responsibility for hurtful actions and shows no signs of genuine contrition, then it probably wouldn’t be wise to pursue restoration of the relationship.
Again, forgiveness is a commandment. It is a volitional act of obedience to God’s will. Healing from unresolved anger requires genuine determination on your part alone to cancel the debt owed you.
The ultimate purpose of our fiery trials is to clear away everything holding us back from a more mature, more empowered walk with Christ.
But reconciling a broken relationship takes two people—both need to reassemble the pieces of shattered confidence. It takes genuine repentance—a change of mind, heart, and behavior and the completion of verifiable steps to prevent a recurrence of a breakdown in trust. Both people must work toward restoring the relationship.
Here’s the bottom line: If the one who made you angry is willing to take responsibility for wrongs done and to start over, don’t hesitate to do your part as well. Reconciliation pleases the heart of God.
7. Rejoice in God’s Purpose
Few things on earth are more desolate than a forest after a ravaging fire has reduced it to ashes. It
is
easy to look at the charred stumps and think life will never recover.
But oh, how appearances can deceive! Return to the scorched area the following spring, and you’ll see a vivid illustration of God’s ability to turn any tribulation into triumph. In relatively little time, “dead” hillsides come alive with colorful wildflowers and green grasses. Old growth previously choking out the new is gone, clearing the way for an explosion of fresh life.
Our hearts, once laid waste by pain and anger, are no different. The ultimate purpose of our fiery trials is to clear away everything holding us back from a more mature, more empowered walk with Christ.
As the inspired apostle Paul wrote:
“In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord”
(ROMANS 8:37-38).
So the final step in dousing the smoldering anger inside you is to rejoice in the
good
God promises to produce out of all you’ve been through as you commit your trials to Him. As forgiveness douses those burning embers, begin to look for signs of new life in your own heart and soul. Look for the beauty God will bring from the ashes.
You Can Find Serenity After Surfacing Your Anger
Vivian called me months later to report she was making steady progress toward shedding the unnecessary burden of her unresolved anger. She and Lorraine finally talked through their past and forgave each other.
“It’s like all those years I’ve been dragging around a one-hundred-pound sack of potatoes,” she told me. “Now with the weight lifted, I feel like a whole new person without it.”
Hidden anger may be difficult to recognize, but it’s definitely
felt—
by you, and by those around you. While Vivian’s anger had stayed on a slow simmer, her emotional stove had kept cooking. But when Vivian learned a new recipe for success—admit it, forgive it, release it—then her anger was taken off her emotional burner altogether, and finally cooled.
Fire works: A Short Fuse Is Bad News
It’s hard to say which is scarier: watching a bomb explode and witnessing fiery debris fly in every direction, or being near a bomb that should have exploded, but didn’t.
It happens every Fourth of July in the United States. Someone lights the fuse on a firecracker and runs a safe distance away. Covering their ears, a watching crowd excitedly waits for the blast. The sparks sizzle and crackle all the way down to the end of the fuse—then
boom
—the black powder ignites!

 

Unfortunately, not all firecrackers detonate as they should. Yes, the fuse burns—same as before. And everyone waits:
three, two, one…
but nothing happens—no flash, no boom. No longer is the air filled with excitement, but it is thick with anxiety…caution…hesitation. Is it really a dud, or just slow to blow? Who will go near to investigate? Do you dare pick it up? Maybe the fuse didn’t stay lit. Or maybe the embers are still smoldering on the inside, unseen—call it destruction in slow motion.

 

Without a doubt, anger and fireworks have a lot in common. If not handled properly, both can explode on you and on those around you. Like a cantankerous Roman candle, red-hot anger can appear to fizzle and disappear inside. Although out of sight and mind, this inner anger is just as damaging as a powerful explosion—simply because the pent-up force will eventually explode on the inside harms your emotional stability. This can happen anytime we attempt to ignore smoldering embers of anger rather than permanently extinguishing them in a healthy way.

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