Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions (29 page)
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Authors: June Hunt
BOOK: Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions
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5. Admit Your Needs
God creates each of us with three basic emotional needs—love, significance, and security—and there is nothing wrong with seeking to fulfill them.
7
The trouble comes when we inappropriately express anger as a means to getting these inner needs met.
7
The trouble comes when we inappropriately express anger as a means to getting these inner needs met.
Do you use anger as a manipulative ploy, demanding certain “musts” in an attempt to
feel loved
? Do you use anger as a tool for intimidation, always posturing to get your way in an attempt to
feel significant
? Do you use anger as a grasp for control, insisting on certain conditions in order to
feel secure
?
feel loved
? Do you use anger as a tool for intimidation, always posturing to get your way in an attempt to
feel significant
? Do you use anger as a grasp for control, insisting on certain conditions in order to
feel secure
?
Ultimately, only Christ can meet all our inner needs for love, significance, and security. As Paul assures us, “My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”
8
8
6. Abandon Your Demands
Instead of demanding that others meet our inner need for
love
, we must allow the Lord to meet that need. We can pray, “Lord, though I would like to feel more love from others, I know You love me unconditionally.” Listen to His response: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness” (Jeremiah 31:3).
love
, we must allow the Lord to meet that need. We can pray, “Lord, though I would like to feel more love from others, I know You love me unconditionally.” Listen to His response: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness” (Jeremiah 31:3).
When it comes to our need for
significance
, we can pray, “Lord, though I would like to feel more significant to those around me, I know I am significant in Your eyes.” Indeed, you are already significant to Him. He says, “I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).
significance
, we can pray, “Lord, though I would like to feel more significant to those around me, I know I am significant in Your eyes.” Indeed, you are already significant to Him. He says, “I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).
And concerning our need for
security
, we can pray, “Lord, though I wish I felt more secure in my relationships, I know I am secure in my relationship with You.” Be assured—God promises to meet that need. He says, “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged” (Deuteronomy 31:8).
security
, we can pray, “Lord, though I wish I felt more secure in my relationships, I know I am secure in my relationship with You.” Be assured—God promises to meet that need. He says, “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged” (Deuteronomy 31:8).
Listen to the psalmist’s reassurance: “The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me
?”
9
?”
9
It’s true that God sometimes uses people and circumstances to meet our needs, but when a need arises, we should choose to look first to our ultimate source of fulfillment, the Lord Himself.
7. Alter Your Attitudes
It’s likely the process of introspection—looking deep within—will bring to light the need for some attitude adjustments. No surprise there. Anger has a way of turning positive thoughts into negative ones and generous intentions into vindictive ones. Our goal is always to be more like Christ, putting others first, looking out for the interests of others, not pushing our own rights.
Our minds produce a steady stream of thoughts, observations, and perceptions. These combine to shape the attitudes we have toward people and situations. When we’re in a tense situation, the stream of thoughts speeds up and can become like a raging river. Suppose you could reach down into that current and pull out a thought. What would it be?
•
I am so mad! That guy is going to pay big time!
•
She drives me crazy. I’m crossing her name off the list!
•
What a jerk! How could he say such a thing?
•
Who does she think she is? I’m going to put her in her place!
If your flow of thoughts is headed in a negative direction, the outcome of your conflict will be negative as well. Conversely, if your stream is stocked with mostly positive thoughts, the outcome will probably be positive.
The Bible says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
10
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Through our own willpower and determination, we’ll get only so far. We may be able to stamp out a few small grass fires here and there, but a raging inferno always threatens. Nevertheless, it is only through the power of God that we can achieve real, lasting change, which leads to our next point.
8. Access the Spirit’s Power
It’s amazing, and unfortunate, how often we fail to dip our ladle into the well of God’s wisdom when we are thirsting for answers. Angry situations can confuse us and prompt us to make unwise choices. In reality, a bowl full of anger can quickly become a cauldron of chaos.
To prevent us from falling into a pattern of ungodly reactions, we need guidance that comes from heaven. Jesus gave us this promise: “When he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth.”
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Scripture tells us this kind of guidance is available to all believers who truly seek it.
11
Scripture tells us this kind of guidance is available to all believers who truly seek it.
When emotions are running high, ask God for help to accomplish His will, not yours.
It may strike some as unrealistic to pause and pray right in the middle of an emotion-filled episode. But I submit to you this is precisely the time to seek God’s wisdom, power, and the “peace…which transcends all understanding.”
12
There is no need for a long, drawn-out prayer—a quick SOS sent heavenward is all that’s needed to invite the Spirit of God to take control of your temper and tame your tongue.
12
There is no need for a long, drawn-out prayer—a quick SOS sent heavenward is all that’s needed to invite the Spirit of God to take control of your temper and tame your tongue.
The Lord knows what is in your heart. He knows if you desire to be humble and gracious in the most trying of times, and He will provide strength to carry you through—the ability to “let cooler heads prevail.” God can use your anger to produce honorable results—correcting injustice, revealing deceit, or protecting victims. When emotions are running high, ask God for help to accomplish His will, not yours.
9. Address Your Anger
Now comes the tricky part: acting on all the information you’ve gathered. This is the moment when you ask, What am I going to do about it? What’s the best response? Here are some answers, and each begins with the letter
D
:
D
:
•
Determine
whether your anger is really justified. “A wicked man puts up a bold front, but an upright man gives thought to his ways.”
13
•
Decide
on the appropriate response. As Solomon tells us, “There is…a time to be silent and a time to speak.”
14
How important is the issue? Would a good purpose be served if you mention it? Should you acknowledge your anger only to the Lord, or should you express it to the person involved?
•
Depend
on the Holy Spirit for guidance. Pour out your heart to God and seek His wisdom. Be sure to search the Scriptures for insight and take time to patiently wait upon the Lord (John 16:13).
•
Develop
constructive dialogue when you confront. Paul wrote, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”
15
Keep these guidelines in mind:
—
Don’t
speak from a heart of unforgiveness.
—
Do
think before you speak.
Do
think before you speak.
—
Don’t
use phrases such as “How could you?” or “Why can’t you?”
Don’t
use phrases such as “How could you?” or “Why can’t you?”
—
Do
use personal statements such as “I feel…”
Do
use personal statements such as “I feel…”
—
Don’t
bring up past grievances.
Don’t
bring up past grievances.
—
Do
stay focused on the present issue.
Do
stay focused on the present issue.
—
Don’t
assume the other person is wrong.
Don’t
assume the other person is wrong.
—
Do
listen for feedback from another point of view.
Do
listen for feedback from another point of view.
•
Demonstrate
the grace of God by saying to yourself, “I placed my anger on the cross with Christ. I am no longer controlled by anger; I am alive with Christ living inside me.” As the apostle Paul said, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Galatians 2:20).
And when I live this way then…
• I will let Christ forgive through me.
• I will let Christ speak through me.
• I will let Christ love through me.
Putting the A’s into Action
A colleague of mine who knew I was writing a book about anger recently asked, “So, June, when was the last time you got mad about something?”
I had to stop and think about it. Since I have a pretty easygoing, laid-back temperament, I am not easily provoked to anger. I get bothered by traffic jams and canceled airline flights, of course, but those kinds of irritants are in a different category than the ones that make me
mad
.
mad
.
Finally, I answered, “I honestly can’t remember. So it must have been quite a while ago.” I wasn’t trying to sound pious, and I wasn’t in denial—that was the truth.
But my time to get angry came just four hours later. I probably shouldn’t have been surprised because it seems the Lord likes to make sure I “practice what I preach”—and here was an opportunity to “road test” my beliefs about releasing anger.
It was late at night, after I’d finished airing
Hope in the Night
, when I sat down in my home office to review new printed material produced by our ministry. I was excited to see the new booklet—hot off the press—that would be distributed through Hope for the Heart. But a moment later, my excitement turned to dismay…and then my stomach started churning.
Hope in the Night
, when I sat down in my home office to review new printed material produced by our ministry. I was excited to see the new booklet—hot off the press—that would be distributed through Hope for the Heart. But a moment later, my excitement turned to dismay…and then my stomach started churning.
Before the booklet had gone to the printer, I’d read it over, spotted a few errors, flagged the mistakes, and mentioned them to the staff member in charge of the project. I followed up with an e-mail to ensure I had communicated clearly. But now, as I looked at the printed piece, the errors were still there. The inattention kindled a flame that spread like a wildfire within me.
“How did this happen?” I sputtered. “I know I pointed out these problems. Why won’t they listen to me?”
It was then I had a choice to make: I could do something hurtful (such as fire off a rash note) or I could immediately work through the “A-list” of anger alleviators described on pages 201-09. Thankfully, I chose the latter (especially because I’m telling you to do the same thing!). In just a matter of seconds, my internal thought process moved forward like this:
Acknowledge my anger:
I am definitely angry!
I am definitely angry!
Assess the source:
Why am I feeling this way? Is my sense of indignation, rooted in hurt, fear, injustice, or frustration? I’m frustrated that what I’d asked to get done didn’t happen.
Why am I feeling this way? Is my sense of indignation, rooted in hurt, fear, injustice, or frustration? I’m frustrated that what I’d asked to get done didn’t happen.
Ascertain my style:
Although I seldom get angry, I know I’m angry when my heart starts beating faster and my stomach feels tied in knots. Others know I’m angry when I get unusually quiet. I try to release my anger by speaking slowly, quietly, and distinctly—that’s my way of trying to keep a cap on my anger!
Although I seldom get angry, I know I’m angry when my heart starts beating faster and my stomach feels tied in knots. Others know I’m angry when I get unusually quiet. I try to release my anger by speaking slowly, quietly, and distinctly—that’s my way of trying to keep a cap on my anger!
Appraise my thinking:
All right, slow down. Am I exaggerating the problem? Well, it’s not the end of the world, but the booklets are already printed. We’ll either have to live with the problem or eat the cost to reprint.
Am I assuming the worst?
No, the person responsible is a conscientious worker. This one just slipped by in the hustle and bustle.
Am I labeling?
It was a mistake—nothing more than that.
Am I generalizing?
Yes, I’m generalizing. My thought,
Why won’t they listen to me?
isn’t accurate. Thankfully, this is not an everyday occurrence.
All right, slow down. Am I exaggerating the problem? Well, it’s not the end of the world, but the booklets are already printed. We’ll either have to live with the problem or eat the cost to reprint.
Am I assuming the worst?
No, the person responsible is a conscientious worker. This one just slipped by in the hustle and bustle.
Am I labeling?
It was a mistake—nothing more than that.
Am I generalizing?
Yes, I’m generalizing. My thought,
Why won’t they listen to me?
isn’t accurate. Thankfully, this is not an everyday occurrence.
Admit my needs:
I have a need to be heard and taken seriously. I suppose being heard not only makes me feel loved, but significant and secure. When something like this happens, a little doubt and mistrust creeps in.
I have a need to be heard and taken seriously. I suppose being heard not only makes me feel loved, but significant and secure. When something like this happens, a little doubt and mistrust creeps in.
Also, when something doesn’t meet the high standards I have set for the ministry, I begin to question the significance of my work and how we will be viewed. Although these needs are perfectly legitimate, in my mind and heart I know my inner need for love, security, and significance comes from the Lord, not anything I do.
Abandon my demands:
I must not demand that people do everything “perfectly” just to help me feel significant. The Lord is the source of my significance. Before I was born, He established His plan and purpose.
I must not demand that people do everything “perfectly” just to help me feel significant. The Lord is the source of my significance. Before I was born, He established His plan and purpose.
Alter attitudes:
When things don’t get done or are done poorly, I’m tempted to think other people don’t share my commitment to high standards and top-notch service. But that kind of attitude puts me in a one-up position. Besides, it’s probably flat-out wrong. I know every one of my staff members works diligently and serves the Lord wholeheartedly. I choose this attitude: Mistakes happen because humans aren’t perfect. We’ll learn from this and do better next time.
When things don’t get done or are done poorly, I’m tempted to think other people don’t share my commitment to high standards and top-notch service. But that kind of attitude puts me in a one-up position. Besides, it’s probably flat-out wrong. I know every one of my staff members works diligently and serves the Lord wholeheartedly. I choose this attitude: Mistakes happen because humans aren’t perfect. We’ll learn from this and do better next time.
Access the Holy Spirit’s power:
“Dear Lord, though I’m worked up about this, I want Your peace and guidance. Help me to respond wisely and lovingly, to act rather than react.”
“Dear Lord, though I’m worked up about this, I want Your peace and guidance. Help me to respond wisely and lovingly, to act rather than react.”
Address my anger:
I decided to do nothing until the following afternoon, when I would be able to communicate in a calm and clearheaded way.
I decided to do nothing until the following afternoon, when I would be able to communicate in a calm and clearheaded way.
The next day, I phoned the person responsible for overseeing the project (using the “sandwich method” from pages 82-83):
Bread of Praise:
“I want to tell you how much I value you and your work. You’ve made a wonderful contribution to our ministry.”Meat of the Matter:
“I also want to mention an issue that came to my attention last night…” I then explained that I’d spotted the errors.Bread of Encouragement:
“This is definitely a solvable problem.Let’s work together to devise a plan ensuring it doesn’t happen again. I’m confident you’ll get the changes in the next printing. I know you have the perseverance to help our process to be the best it can be. Thank you for being a team player.”
Personally, I’m so glad I didn’t resort to a knee-jerk reaction when I got angry, and I’m also glad I didn’t turn a blind eye. I’m grateful this one incident didn’t evolve into an anger bowl “slip,” with me making a deposit into my bowl and nursing a grudge. I don’t always handle my anger wisely, but in this case, my effort to clearly think through my response helped greatly.
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