Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions (33 page)

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Authors: June Hunt

BOOK: Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions
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How Could She Tell Anyone?
Intelligent, competent, assured—
these words painted the picture of my friend Gail, an attractive, energetic young woman whom I had known casually for over ten years. But when I received word that, at the hands of her husband, she had been a victim of repeated violence, my first thought was,
How could this be?
After all, Gail had worked several years at a Christian ministry training people how to study the Bible. Then she attended a respected seminary, where she met her future husband, Andy. However, after they married, her confidence decreased and her fear increased. Unbeknownst to family and friends, Gail was being abused.
But how could she tell anyone? She wanted to protect the image of her little family. Surely if she “tried hard enough” he would stop—that’s what all abused women typically think.
We have a heavenly Father who wants us to be safe and secure—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
But not so. Now Andy was divorcing her for another woman, and they were in the midst of a custody battle over their two young sons. The judge ruled that until a decision was made as to which parent would have custodial care, this arrangement was to be followed: The children were to stay in the home, and each parent would rotate in and out every other week. So every other week for about a year and a half, Gail stayed in my home.
We had many late-night talks. The one that stands out most in my memory is the evening I asked if she had any pictures to prove to the judge that Andy was an untrustworthy, violent man. Immediately she went to the guest bedroom and returned with pictures of herself—police photographs—that showed her head severely bruised and swollen.
I was stunned. I hadn’t expected such graphic pictures. (Andy had denied the abuse, claiming instead that she had inflicted the injuries on herself—a common “blame game” tactic!)
When I gave Gail our Biblical Counseling Keys on wife abuse, she quickly affirmed what it said about many wife batterers being adept at manipulating their wives with scriptures such as, “Wives, submit to your husbands,” yet are careless about heeding all the Bible’s verses against violence. (And sadly, as of yet, I have never talked with a wife who has heard scriptures presented from the pulpit that encourage her to seek the protection she so desperately needs if she is being abused.) Rather, after an incident of wife abuse, too many women hear foolish statements like, “What did you do to cause it?” as though the husband’s violent sin is her fault. This doubly victimizes the woman.
No wonder many women who suffer abuse are disheartened, confused, and distressed. They wonder,
Must I really suffer at the hands of someone who has sworn to protect and cherish me? And where is God when I am hurting so much?
Not only is God with those who suffer, He also has provided a way of deliverance through His Word. The joy of victory and healing is available to any who seek it. My prayer is that the biblical truths shared within the pages of this book will be used by God to free you or someone you know from the shackles of unjust suffering.
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free”
(JOHN 8:32).

 

Now, for the rest of the story: First, after two years, my friend was awarded custody of her children. Second, the judge admitted that, in retrospect, his better judgment would have been to assign only one parent custodial care until a permanent decision was made. And last, tragically, Andy served no time in jail and received no sentence for his abuse.
We All Have God-given Rights
Consider the following “bomb squad basics”—ground rules for relating to the angry people in your life:
1. You have the right to be safe from physical and emotional harm
It is staggering to realize how many people suffer needlessly at the hands of angry, abusive people because they think God is calling them to stick it out in unsafe situations. I’ve talked with far too many wounded women—women who are precious to God—who remained in abusive marriages in the name of submission. I’ve heard from employee after employee who endured crass conduct and cruel behavior from their bosses because they felt God wanted them to put up with such treatment. And I’ve spoken with countless people who, assuming it was God’s will, remained in friendships in which they were continually used and manipulated.
Situations like these are complex, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. But be assured of this: We have a heavenly Father who wants us to be safe and secure—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
In most societies, a parent who deliberately puts a child in danger is scorned and punished. Yet some people mistakenly believe our heavenly Father puts us in perilous situations with no concern for our safety and leaves us to fend for ourselves. To the contrary, we have a God who is a loving protector. Jesus assured,
“Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”
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Here’s the bottom-line truth: Of course, you have a right to be safe. God is never pleased or honored when His people are mistreated in abusive relationships. When He encouraged us to rejoice when we encounter various trials,
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He was
not
saying pain and trauma are always part of His will for us. Rather, He was saying trials are inevitable in a sinful world filled with sinful people who do sinful things.
But the good news is those very trials can provide a valuable opportunity to grow and mature as Christians. And if we love God, He promises to use our every experience for our good. Living with an angry person has the challenging potential to teach us how to protect ourselves in firm, loving, godly ways and to stop ignoring our wounds by suffering in silence.
2. You have the right to set your own boundaries
Only you know what behavior hurts your heart or makes you feel threatened and uncomfortable. And only you can decide what behavior you will accept and what you won’t. That right belongs to you alone. For example, because Gene grew up in a home where aggressive actions and attitudes among family members were commonplace, he often chided Sylvia for being oversensitive if she objected to his angry outbursts. Unconcealed hostility that Gene called “normal” made Sylvia feel frightened and insecure.
“Come on! I was only joking!”
“Everybody gets mad and flies off the handle sometimes. Don’t make a federal case out of it.”
“Lighten up, will you?”
“So what if I get mad? You’re the one making a big deal out of it.”
Comments like these are clues that the angry person wants to control you by having the final say in where your boundaries are drawn. Anger bowls can also operate as tools of manipulation. Don’t fall into that fire pit.
As I told Sylvia, your boundaries are just that—
yours
. In fact, setting standards for yourself is more than a right. Proverbs 4:23 tells us it is an important responsibility: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”
3. You have the right to enforce your boundaries with consequences for encroachment
Hopefully, you have claimed your right to be safe and to stay safe by setting boundaries. Wonderful! Your next step in successfully dealing with angry people is affirming your right to insist on repercussions when a boundary has been crossed and when trespassers refuse to retreat—even if they are spouses. They too must know there are consequences for angrily screaming, smashing, and slamming their way into your territory.
4. You have the right to defend your cause
Most believers fear being too quick to defend their borders and impose repercussions. In taking to heart Paul’s admonition to live up to our calling as Christians “bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace,”
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too often we wind up taking no action at all. Naturally, that communicates to those whose anger spews into our territory that our boundaries are not real, but only imaginary and not to be taken seriously.
However, the phrase “Bearing with one another” in Ephesians 4:2 doesn’t mean we are to ignore sinful behavior. Rather, it means we are to accept our differences.
Jesus affirmed our right, our obligation to impose consequences on someone who has wronged us:
“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector”
(MATTHEW 18:15-17).
It’s simple: If someone sins against you, your God-given right and responsibility is to confront—with a stinging rebuke, if necessary. If the person is clearly in the wrong but fails to take responsibility for the misbehavior, consequences should be enacted.
Three Keys to Peace (or at Least a Cease-Fine)
Now that you know God has empowered you with the right to live in safety and peace, you are ready to learn the art of “de-escalation” in any conflict with an angry person.
Fair warning: This isn’t always easy. It requires a challenging blend of toughness and compassion, determination and patience, humility and self-respect. But the payoff is there for anyone willing to do the work. As an old German proverb says, “God makes the nuts, but He doesn’t crack them.”
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You’ve got to do that yourself. Here’s how:
1. Don’t Pour Gasoline on the Fire
If there is one thing that acts like gasoline doused on someone’s fiery anger, it is
more
anger, coming from someone else and aimed at the angry person. Yes, you have the right to be safe, to set boundaries, and to stand firm when those boundaries are broken. But using fiery anger to retaliate against fiery anger is the path least likely to lead to peace and most likely to lead to war. In fact, it can just as easily change you from an innocent victim to a guilty accomplice—something Brianna learned the hard way.
“There is…a time to be silent and a time to speak”
(ECCLESIASTES 3:1,7).

 

Brianna was a chef at a prestigious fine-dining restaurant. She’d worked hard to get the job and was proud to be part of such an elite team. She enjoyed and respected the people with whom she created beautiful meals every night—except one. Tracy took an instant—and inexplicable—dislike to Brianna. Every attempt Brianna made to break the ice between them was returned with raw sarcasm and rudeness. Because the two women worked elbow to elbow in the kitchen, the situation quickly became a recipe for misery.
“I had never been around someone so determined to be angry,” Brianna told me. “Every night she lost her cool over something new I had allegedly done to make her life more difficult. I got fed up pretty quick.”
Soon, in spite of herself, Brianna began hurling insults back at Tracy…tit for tat. Their mutual anger escalated until one evening it ended in a physical scuffle resulting in overturned simmering saucepans and a painful burn on Brianna’s hand. It was a colossal confrontation that brought serious consequences: Both women were suspended from work for a week.
“It seemed so unfair,” Brianna said. “I hadn’t realized that by letting her make me angry too, I had become part of the problem. That’s certainly how my boss saw me. He didn’t care who started it.”
It is important to stay calm when dealing with an angry person. Remember, anger is an extremely powerful emotion that God’s Spirit—who lives in you—can both tame and temper. It has no power to force you to respond one way or another.
We can choose to see that anger is contagious only if we let it be. Above all, don’t allow sparks from someone else’s anger to ignite your own.
In other words, fighting fire with fire can quickly kindle a raging inferno. Proverbs 15:1 tells us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” If you habitually respond to anger with a “gentle answer,” you’ll see the other person’s wrath diminish,
as well as your own.

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