Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions (36 page)

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Authors: June Hunt

BOOK: Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions
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2. Train Your Brain
A key point in this book so far has been that denying or suppressing angry feelings is counterproductive. We must acknowledge and accept our emotions so we can deal with them in a healthy way. This doesn’t mean our feelings should trump logical thinking. We all know people who are ruled by their unhealthy emotions, and it isn’t a pretty picture. It’s all about first acknowledging our emotions, then learning how to control them and use them for their intended purpose.
I am fascinated by how much God’s Word has to say about both our hearts and minds, and how they are interrelated. Jesus told His followers to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”
1
And the psalmist wrote, “Test me, O LORD, and try me, examine my heart and my mind.”
2
I’m so grateful that God created us with the capacity to fulfill His desires and comply with His truth. Clearly, the Lord intends for both our thoughts and emotions to be used in conjunction with one another. Our hearts can be reshaped and our brains rewired so our behaviors will become more and more Christlike.
That’s why Paul said, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will.”
3
Peter said to “prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled.”
4
Understanding these and other scriptures is essential for those of us who want to change the way we handle anger. When we
train our brain
, we
change our behavior
.
One of the best ways to do this is by consistently studying and memorizing God’s Word. Some people today question the value and necessity of Scripture memorization. After all, anyone with an Internet connection can look up Bible passages in a matter of seconds.
But gathering information about the Bible is just a small part of what God had in mind when He said, “How can a young person stay pure? By obeying your Word…I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.”
5
Jesus put the matter in straightforward terms: “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.”
6
If we want to change our responses to anger, one of the best ways is by saturating our thoughts…with the life-changing truths of God’s Word.
3. Prepare an Anger Action Plan
All too frequently we read about another shooting at a school, a mall, or even a church. Because of this, many institutions have drawn up emergency action plans so they’ll know how to respond should a crisis occur.
You will find it helpful to think through
in advance
the appropriate, productive response when your emotions get hot.
Let’s take that idea and apply it to our anger. You will find it helpful to think through
in advance
the appropriate, productive response when your emotions get hot. Consider:
An appropriate action
is to cautiously express your thoughts and feelings with understanding and concern for the other person’s welfare. Proverbs 17:27 says,
“
A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered
.”
An inappropriate reaction
is to express your thoughts and feelings in such a way they stir up anger in others and produce strife. Proverbs 30:33 paints this graphic picture:
“
As churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife.”
While you’re calm and unhurried, envision how you would like to respond the next time you get angry. You can start devising your individualized “anger action plan” by thinking carefully about how you want to respond in heated situations:
4. Communicate Your Anger to Another
Learning how to convey anger appropriately will better help you put out the fires that could scorch your relationships.
Before communicating your anger toward someone, take time to evaluate whether expressing your anger is needful, appropriate, and will prove beneficial.
Some people simply do not know how to handle anger directed toward them. They become hostile and defensive, or weak and placating, resolving nothing.
If you simply want to vent your feelings, to release some pent-up steam, then pour out your heart to God and maybe to another person, but not to the person with whom you are angry. Should you decide to arrange a meeting and comfort the one who has angered you, here are some things you will need to do in preparation:
Choose to be proactive
• Examine your motivation.
• Be realistic in your expectations.
• Know what you want to accomplish.
• Assess the legitimacy of your request.
• Rehearse how you will approach the subject.
• Anticipate possible reactions from the other person.
• Think through how you might respond to those reactions.
• Decide if you are willing to live with any negative repercussions.
• Talk with a wise and trusted person if you are uncertain what to do.
Choose a time and place to talk
• Select a time and place convenient for both of you; find an atmosphere conducive for listening and sharing.
• Meet on “neutral turf” so both of you are likely to feel equal in power and importance.
• Allot sufficient time to address both of your concerns.
• Commit the time to God and seek His wisdom and understanding.
• Communicate your desires for open and honest communication and resolution.
• Express your pain and anger in a loving, nonaccusatory way without criticizing the person’s character, utilizing the “sandwich technique” (see pages 82-83).
• Evaluate the willingness of the other person to receive your rebuke without becoming angry or defensive and to understand your hurt, fear, frustration, or indignation over an injustice.
• Give opportunity for a response without interruption or defensiveness on your part.
• Affirm what is being said by repeating and clarifying spoken statements.
• Request any desired changes in behavior you believe will resolve the present problem and prevent future problems.
• Agree to change any problematic behavior on your part.
• Promote fairness and objectivity, openness and optimism.
• Extend total forgiveness unreservedly and willingly.
• Value differences in goals, desires, and priorities.
• Applaud the person’s willingness to listen to you, to resolve the problem, and to work toward improving your relationship.
Always keep this in mind: “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”
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I also recommend creating written outline of the way you want to think and act when hurt, injustice, fear, or frustration come your way—a series of steps to deal with the inevitable sources of anger that each of us struggle with from time to time.
So…how exactly can you respond in a godly way? What will you avoid doing? How can you remain calm and clearheaded? What is the optimal outcome for a conflict? (If you have trouble developing a plan, remember that chapter 13 outlines a process for alleviating present anger. These steps will provide a framework you can apply to your individual situation and anger style.)
Jesus encouraged us to plan ahead. He said,
“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower.
Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see
if he has enough money to complete it?…
Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king.
Will he not first sit down and consider whether
he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming
against him with twenty thousand?”
(LUKE 14:28,31).
Don’t wait until you’re in the heat of battle to figure out how to respond. Sit down now
,
and create an “anger action plan” before the moment of need arrives.
Surrender Yourselfto God’s Healing
In the mid-1800s, a woman named Frances Ridley Havergal authored more than 70 beloved hymns, including “Take My Life and Let It Be” and “Like a River Glorious,” as well as numerous volumes of poetry and devotional works. During her lifetime, Frances was widely popular and greatly admired. She was one of the most creative and devout Christians of her era. Even today her hymns are sung in churches throughout the world.
Here’s something else, though, about Frances: She had a very bad temper—the kind characterized as
explosive.
After her anger eruptions, she would be mortified and confess her wrongdoing to the Lord. But then she would lose her temper again…and again.
One day after a particularly bad explosion, she threw herself down by her bed and wept. She prayed, “Lord, must it always be so? Will I always have this temper to keep me humble before You?”
While she was on her knees, the Lord planted a verse in her mind: “The Egyptians whom you have seen today you will see no more forever.” Initially mystified as to the meaning of God’s message, Frances then remembered God speaking these words to Moses when the Egyptians pursued the Israelites to take them back into bondage.
She applied the verse to her own situation by equating the Egyptians to her temper and the way in which Satan wanted to use it to pull her into bondage. She had never doubted God’s ability to free her, but now she realized God not only
could
free her, but
would
free her. He was going to take her temper away.
Brimming over with joy, Frances boldly asked, “Lord, could it be forever?”
It seemed to her the words came back from the Lord, “Yes. ‘No more…forever.’”
Frances’s sister said from that day on, Frances never again lost her temper. She believed God, and God did a miracle.
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Anger was never a problem for Frances again.
If we want to change the way we deal with anger, let’s first go to God with humble and contrite hearts, asking Him to heal us, change our hurtful behavior, and conform us to the character of Christ. The Bible says, “The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:17-18).
God may choose to bring instant change, as He did with Frances. Or He may cause growth and transformation over a period of time, which more often seems to be the case. Either way, when we surrender our lives to the Lord, we can be assured He’ll work powerfully
within
us to make us like Christ and
through
us to show Christ to others.
Firebreak: Preparing a Line of Defense
When you drive through forested areas, you may notice what appear to be lines or dirt-strewn scars stretching up a mountainside. These are likely firebreaks, man-made swaths of terrain where trees and vegetation have been cleared to help with fire containment.
Especially in hilly or mountainous areas, wide paths are cut through brush with a tractor, bulldozer, or other ground-moving equipment. These bare strips of land create an area with no brush and thus no “fuel” for a fire. If a wildfire were to rage through the area, hopefully it would burn out at the firebreak rather than move forward. Firebreaks also allow firefighting equipment and vehicles easier access to the fire itself.

 

Sometimes when I see these breaks snaking up a mountainside, I think,
What tremendous effort that must have taken!
I imagine heavy machinery and crews with chainsaws plodding through the forest. But surely, when a forest fire roars to life, everyone in the area is grateful beyond words for the firebreaks. Such foresight and planning was very wise!

 

So it is with our anger. By choosing ahead of time to act rather than react, we are establishing a firebreak—a cooling-off space—that ensures our heated emotions don’t spread too far, too fast. Determine to do the hard work in advance so you have a line of defense ready when a blaze erupts.

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