Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions (26 page)

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Authors: June Hunt

BOOK: Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions
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A Recipe for Financial Disaster
But after a few months, the dream abruptly exploded like the grand finale at a fireworks display. While Vivian held up her end of the bargain—creating delicious food attracting loyal customers—Lorraine was quietly making a mess of hers. She was in way over her head and drowning in the details of the day-to-day financial management of a burgeoning business. Rather than seeking help, she grew even more rash and reckless in her decisions.
“By the time I knew there was a problem,” Vivian said, “our operating capital was gone and we were deeply in debt to our suppliers. In the end, we couldn’t pay the bills or the staff, and bankruptcy was our only option.”
“How awful that must have been for you,” I commented.
“I was devastated,” Vivian replied. “It was like watching a loved one die.”
“And I imagine you were pretty angry at Lorraine for what she had done,” I said.
“Absolutely,” she responded. “But there wasn’t really time to dwell on it or address it.”
That’s because, as painful as the bankruptcy was for Vivian, it hit Lorraine like a blazing fireball. Realizing it was her fault the business failed, she turned to alcohol and sank into a deep depression lasting several years.
The road to forgiveness leads
through
our anger, not around it, as if it had never existed in the first place.
Vivian, alarmed by her sister’s emotional frailty, worked almost singlehandedly to repay their remaining debts. Even after Lorraine’s condition improved, Vivian never mentioned the catastrophe for fear of being “too judgmental” and pushing her sister back into self-destructive behavior.
“I felt that’s what God wanted of me—to just forgive and forget,” she said through her tears. “I was so hurt and so mad, but I did what I had to do to force my anger to go away.” Or so she thought. What caused Vivian pain in the present was the dawning realization that her past anger had never really gone away at all. It was as if she had a bowl full of anger that continued to swirl and swirl and swirl.
That affected many of Vivian’s subsequent relationships—with her husband, whom she had difficulty trusting; with her children, who often accused her of being hypercritical; and with all the other bosses and business partners.
Vivian had genuinely tried to do the right thing by letting bygones be bygones. But in the process, she forgot an inescapable truth: The road to forgiveness leads
through
our anger, not around it, as if it had never existed in the first place.
Seven Steps to Peace and Freedom
Twenty years had since gone by, and Vivian feared it was too late to overcome her anger and repair the widespread damage it had caused. She worried it had become an inseparable, incurable part of her personality.
Fortunately, she was wrong. I reminded her nothing is beyond God’s ability or willingness to heal. I told her God could help her begin anew. Listen to what the Lord says in Isaiah 43:18-19:
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”
I told Vivian, “I know it is overwhelming to rummage through past pain. But time is no barrier at all to God’s capacity to repair what is broken.”
So as long as we are willing to place our trust in God—and do everything we can to help extinguish the smoldering coals—we can resolve our anger, no matter how old it is. Here’s how:
1. Realize You Are Still Angry
You can’t possibly hope to resolve your anger until you acknowledge it exists. That sounds simple, but for many of us the hardest words we ever say are, “I feel hurt, frustrated, and angry.”
It can be difficult enough to express how we feel in the heat of the moment, when there is still an obvious link between cause and effect. So how much more difficult does it become when the original source of our anger is years or even decades old?
Oh, get over it!
we say to ourselves accusingly.
Are you still steamed about that? Just put it behind you and move on.
Contrary to the popular cliché, time does not heal all wounds. It may appear to turn down the temperature, but our anger still burns. The “sleeping dogs” you’ve been taught to let lie aren’t really asleep and are not better left alone. Even the most long-ago unresolved anger will manifest itself in your life—through bitterness, chronic depression, lack of trust, and a defensive, hostile stance in your relationships.

 

Warning Signs of Hidden Anger
Do you recognize any of these warning signs of hidden anger in your life?
• Do you feel uncomfortable in someone’s company, even years later?
• Do you find it difficult to sincerely pray for someone?
• Do you have bitter jealousy of another’s successes?
• Do you hope for the worst, instead of the best, for someone?
• Do you secretly find pleasure in someone’s defeats?
• Do you take part in critical gossip about someone (or at least do nothing to stop it)?
• Do you become irritable over trifles?
• Do you smile on the outside while you hurt or rage on the inside?
• Do you find your identity and worth in excessive work?
• Do you deny ever being impatient or frustrated?
• Do you have to have the last word?
• Do those close to you say you blame others?
• Do you feel emotionally flat?
• Do you have a loss of interest in life?
• Do you experience physical manifestations—a queasy feeling, clenched stomach muscles, racing heart, and so on—when you think about a particular person or situation?
If any of these describe how you feel, chances are your anger is not as resolved as you had hoped. Don’t despair. God knows exactly where you’ve hidden your pain and rage. Ask Him to pull back the covering of time and show it to you as well—then own up to it. Admit you are still angry so the healing process can finally begin.
2. Reckon with Your Anger Pie
Have you ever systematically considered
how much
anger you are holding inside your heart and
toward whom
you feel angry? If not, I invite you to create your very own Anger Pie. (No baking required!) I’ve found it to be an amazingly effective tool for surfacing buried anger. Here’s how to make it:
• Make a list of people toward whom you have anger (from childhood to present).
• Draw a circle—pie-shaped—that represents all of the anger in your life.
• Divide your pie into different-size wedges. Base the size of each wedge on the size of your anger toward each person on your list.
I’ve provided a sample Anger Pie for you,
1
using general categories. As you process your anger constructively, you will see the size of your slices shrinking. That’s a good indication you are working effectively through your anger issues.
The Anger Pie
3. Revisit Your Reasons for Being Angry
Imagine experiencing two months of terrible stomach pains and severe headaches. Your energy is depleted most of the time, as if your batteries were being drained by an unseen short in your circuitry.
Initially you tell yourself,
That’s just life.
But finally, you concede the symptoms are not normal. You’re forced to admit something is wrong.
Of course, realizing you are sick is a huge step on the road to well-ness. But would you stop there? Most likely, you would want to know the answer to the obvious: Why am I feeling so sick? And you would want to seek a doctor’s help because you understand finding a
cure
for your ailment requires knowing the
cause
.
The same is true of anger that is plaguing you. Once you have admitted you’re still angry at someone for a past offense, it is necessary to sift through the debris like an arson investigator. Which of the four causes inflames you: hurt, injustice, fear, or frustration…or a combination of two or more of those causes?
What are the triggers that ignite your “smoldering embers”? What were the combustible ingredients? What are the traces of flammable residue? What caused the sparks to fly? In short, why did this thing explode?
This is dangerous work. After all, poking around in hot embers can stoke the flames of fury. Chances are, that’s why you’ve ignored the suppressed heat for so long. It’s safer to “stuff it” than expose it to a fresh supply of emotional oxygen and risk a raging inferno that would consume your relationships. But if you hope to put out the fire once and for all, it is a necessary risk.
For one thing, time can act like a magnifying glass by making painful offenses seem larger when we look back at them from a distance. Our wounds can seem more grievous and our enemies can seem more evil. By revisiting “the scene of the crime” with an open mind and a heart bent on healing, we can remove the distortion and see things in proper perspective.
What’s more, human conflict is rarely a clear-cut battle between “the good guys” and “the bad guys.” Nearly every time I look back on an angry skirmish with someone in my life, I see things
I
did to fan the flames or at least keep things boiling longer than necessary.
Vivian discovered that very thing in herself when she examined her anger toward her sister. She had to admit there were plenty of warning signs showing Lorraine was in trouble, if only she’d been willing to notice them.
“Every day she grew more sullen and withdrawn,” Vivian recalled. “But I was happier than I’d ever been and didn’t want to be pulled down by her gloominess. I never once asked if she was okay or needed help.”
Gaining an honest and accurate perspective of what really happened—and taking responsibility for the part we may have played—begins to douse the smoldering coals and prepares us for the next step toward resolving our anger.
4. Release Those Who Have Wronged You
If we wish to be free of past anger, there is a key question we must ask ourselves: What have I not yet forgiven?
Anger doesn’t materialize out of thin air. This strong emotion naturally arises when someone’s actions cause us to feel hurt, afraid, frustrated, or offended at an injustice. Anger can be a constructive response to anything that threatens us. But it quickly becomes
destructive
when we hang on to our fears and wounds and refuse to forgive those who cause them.
Why should I forgive?
we think.
I’m the one who was wronged!
Yet as hard as it is, God has commanded us to forgive each other and even made it a condition for our own forgiveness. We can’t expect to receive a benefit from Him that we have stubbornly withheld from another. As Jesus told His disciples: “When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins” (Mark 11:25).
If we refuse to forgive, we are taking on the role of being a higher judge than God Himself!
Here are a number of helpful thoughts concerning forgiveness: First,
forgiving
someone is not the same as
condoning
offensive behavior.
It is unfortunate many of us have the habit of saying, “It’s okay” when what we mean is, “I forgive you.” Saying that an offense is okay mistakenly implies it is no big deal. But it’s never okay when you’ve been unjustly hurt by someone.
Some people sincerely but mistakenly assume that if they forgive an offender, they must re-establish the relationship. Unfortunately, this mistaken assumption has kept countless victims from forgiving their victimizers. Very simply, forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.
• Forgiveness can take place with only one person; reconciliation requires at least two people.
• Forgiveness is a free gift to the one who has broken trust; reconciliation is a restored relationship based on restored trust.
• Forgiveness is extended even if it is never, ever earned; reconciliation is offered to the offender because it has been earned.
• Forgiveness is unconditional, regardless of a lack of repentance; reconciliation is conditional based on repentance.
Many other misconceptions abound about forgiveness. Often people won’t forgive because they don’t “feel like it.” But forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a choice—an act of the will. Also:
•
Forgiveness is not
based on what is fair. It was not fair for Jesus to hang on the cross, but He did so that we could be forgiven.
•
Forgiveness is not
being a weak martyr. It is being strong enough to be Christlike.
•
Forgiveness is not
letting the guilty off the hook. It is moving the guilty from your hook to God’s hook.

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