Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions (13 page)

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Authors: June Hunt

BOOK: Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions
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The Four Types of Human Flamethrowers
The first step in dealing with flamethrowers is to recognize the four different types and how their anger is exhibited. Let’s take a look at
exploders
,
seethers
,
blamers
, and
abusers.
1. Exploders: Those prone to sudden eruptive anger
A familiar example of explosive anger and its resulting repercussions is found in Genesis 4:1-16—the biblical account of brothers Cain and Abel. Each man gave an offering to God, each presumably expecting acceptance. As it turned out, one offering was accepted and one wasn’t. Abel gave what God wanted to receive. Cain gave what he, himself, wanted to give.
•
The reception?
No surprises here—God received Abel’s acceptable offering and rejected Cain’s unacceptable one.
•
The reaction?
Cain grew angry and sullen.
•
The remedy?
Simple—God inquired as to the cause of Cain’s anger, then told him to do what was right. In doing so, Cain would be accepted.
•
The reality?
If Cain didn’t do what was right, sin was waiting to devour him.
•
The result?
Cain invited Abel to go out to the field, where Cain exploded into murderous rage and killed his brother.
•
The repercussion?
Cain left the presence of God, lost his home and livelihood, and lived the remainder of his life as a restless wanderer.
Exploders lash out and behave recklessly. They might normally be reasonable and responsible people, but sometimes their emotion overshadows their thought process and they blow a fuse.
Although the exploder can find no consolation in the account of Cain, he can find assurance and caution in the previously explored story of Moses’ (see pages 39-47). He can take solace in the fact that God used—in magnificent ways—a man who was flawed with a violently explosive temper. If the Lord can use Moses, whose fiery rage caused him such trouble, then He can use others who have the same problem. The warning, however, is clear: Actions have consequences, and uncontrolled anger has unwanted repercussions. For months or even years, we might be on our best behavior—cool and controlled—only to have just one explosion cause disastrous results.
2. Seethers: Those who simmer until their anger boils over
Seethers hold in their anger for long periods—nurturing it with grudges and fantasies of revenge. Their festering emotions also lead to an unforgiving heart toward a past offense or offender. Unforgiveness eventually results in resentment and deep bitterness that harms relationships. When I think of seethers, I recall the words of Frederick Buechner:
Of the seven deadly sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back—in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.
7
When anger is allowed to ferment over a long period of time, it becomes that much more potent. A little bit can do a whole lot of damage. That’s why the writer of Hebrews said, “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”
8
Seethers are those who have permitted bitterness to take root in their heart, to the detriment of themselves and others. They go through life with a chip on their shoulder and rancor in their spirit, never knowing when their simmering anger is going to boil over.
For these reasons, the Bible instructs us to resolve our conflicts as quickly as possible. Jesus said if you’re worshipping at church and remember you have a lingering dispute with someone, you should leave and go take care of it: “Settle matters quickly with your adversary.”
9
In a famous admonition we saw earlier, the apostle Paul declared, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
10
The link here is inescapable: Seething over past offenses opens the door for Satan’s influence in our lives.
How grateful I am for the example my mother set for me in this area. Were it not for her refusal to harbor hurts and rehearse wrongs, my seething anger toward my father might easily have turned me into a resentful, bitter person. My mother kept her anger bowl empty by releasing offenses to God almost immediately upon receiving them.
After totally yielding her life to the Lord, my mother realized how deeply she had been forgiven by the undeserved grace of God. How then could she refuse to forgive others? Over the years, she had realized the danger of holding on to anger, and so she doggedly refused to let it take root in her heart.
3. Blame-shifters: Those who blame others for their faults
In our society, shifting blame to others has been elevated to an art form. People caught speeding tell the traffic cop it is the car’s fault for having too much horsepower. Shopaholics blame their massive debt on retailers for displaying irresistible goods. Democrats blame Republicans for America’s woes, and Republicans blame Democrats.
We shouldn’t be surprised, then, when angry people blame their explosive tendencies on others. Blame-shifters are the exact opposite of self-blamers (those who say, “It’s all my fault” to every conflict that arises). In contrast, blamers say, “It’s
not
my fault! I’m mad because
you
made me mad. It’s your fault!”
Have you ever heard the term
blame speak
? Perhaps you’ve heard these statements come out of someone’s mouth—or maybe even your own:
• “I wouldn’t have gotten mad if you hadn’t made me.”
Translation: I’m not responsible for my outbursts—you are.
• “I can’t help it. This is just the way God made me.”
Translation: The Creator gave me my temper, so blame Him, not me.
• “I’m Irish, and we all know the Irish are famous for their fiery temperaments.”
Translation: Blame it on my genes.
• “I didn’t mean it.”
Translation: I should be let off the hook because my intentions were good, even if my behavior wasn’t.
• “I was just joking. Don’t be so uptight.”
Translation: You are to blame, not I. You’re too sensitive. If you’re hurt by my humor, you need to grow thicker skin.
• “I had lousy role models. Mom and Dad never showed me a better way.”
Translation: I shouldn’t be held accountable when my parents didn’t teach me properly.
• “Hey, everyone loses their cool now and then.”
Translation: I don’t take my temper seriously, and neither should you.
There’s an obvious theme running through these statements: I’m not responsible for my actions. Blame-shifting is a strategy used by those who are determined to take their own anger and heap it onto someone else. By refusing to acknowledge their anger, explore where it really comes from, and take responsibility for it, the emotions of blame-shifters stay raw and ready to explode. The apostle John challenged this kind of blame-shifting:
“If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar.”
11
Clearly, God can bring healing and freedom, but we must be willing and courageous enough to face the truth about ourselves and own up to our imperfections. “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
12
The Lord is eager and willing to wash out all the soot that’s piled up inside us—but we have to come clean about our anger problem before He can cleanse us.
4. Abusers: Those determined to control others through anger
“He had his hands around my neck, squeezing tighter and tighter,” Kayla told me, her voice trembling. “It was the first time I seriously thought,
He’s going to kill me. My husband is going to kill me
.”
I had known Kayla for several years and had heard bits and pieces about her background. When I asked her to share her story with me in detail, she was remarkably open. Kayla came from a loving home, but one that always bordered on poverty. Her dad was a hardworking man who didn’t make much as a mechanic at the local repair shop.
By the time she was 18, Kayla was ready to leave behind all the financial worries and the constant tension they caused. About that time, a good-looking guy named Mitch appeared riding not on a white horse, but on a refurbished motorcycle. Still, Kayla convinced herself he would whisk her away all the same.
Soon came a starry-eyed romance, promises of a blissful future together, a short dating period, and then an even shorter engagement. Before you knew it, the happy couple was married and living in a rundown duplex, which didn’t matter—they were
in love.
But it wasn’t long before this young couple discovered marriage was harder to live than dream about. “I do” meant sacrifice, compromise, and hard work. Disillusionment quickly set in. Mitch couldn’t hold down a job. When at home, he whiled away the hours watching television or playing video games. Kayla grew weary of waiting on him hand and foot.
A baby joined the family, then another. Mitch soon lost all interest in playing the role of dutiful, loving father and husband, and his selfish character began to emerge. He also began to drink heavily. He recklessly spent what little money they had, and flirted with other women. Then things went from bad to worse.
“Five years into our marriage, Mitch’s temper became violent,” Kayla recalled. “Our fights had always been heated, but then they got physical. At first, he would get mad and shove me. After a while, he started punching me. On a couple of occasions, I really did think he was going to kill me. These violent episodes became more and more frequent, and went on for several years.”
My heart ached as I heard Kayla’s sad story. It’s hard to believe this kind, sensitive young woman could end up in an abusive marriage. And she said as much herself.
“You hear about battered wives and read about domestic violence, but that always happens to someone else,” she said. “It wasn’t supposed to happen to
me
. I was never unfaithful. I was conscientious about housework and parenting. But still…”
But still
many good people like Kayla find themselves unexpectedly and undeservedly suffering the consequences of another person’s bad temper. We hear sad tales like this, and our indignation prompts us to ask, “Why did you stay? Why didn’t you just leave?” I posed those questions to Kayla.
“Looking back now, I know I should’ve left much sooner,” she said. “But it was complicated—not just a matter of picking up and moving on. We eventually had three children, and their safety and protection were my biggest concern. Mitch had become so irrational and unpredictable that I didn’t know if he’d try to take the children from me—or hurt them—if I left. I didn’t want those beautiful little children to end up in his custody. Not to mention my terror at what he might do to
me
.”
There were practical matters as well. Kayla had no real job skills and couldn’t have supported the children on her own. Moving in with her parents or other family members—which she did occasionally for short stints—was not a long-term option. She felt trapped.
Of course, Kayla unwittingly contributed to this tragic drama. She realizes now she lacked boundaries and a biblical view of her own self-worth. Her fragile self-esteem prevented her from speaking up or walking out when she should have. Her strong need for security clouded her judgment and justified her decision to stay in a terribly troubled relationship far too long. Still, nothing about her inaction warranted the mistreatment she received.
Fearing for her life, Kayla faced a heart-wrenching decision. Should she leave her husband, or could she stay in the relationship while trying to establish healthy boundaries and ensure her own (and her children’s) protection? She prayed, seeking the Lord’s guidance. She searched Scripture for direction. She took to heart the Lord’s promise in Psalm 32:7-8:
“You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.”

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