Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions (5 page)

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Authors: June Hunt

BOOK: Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions
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Anger
Is One Letter Short of
Danger
Sam was ordinarily a laid-back and even-tempered kind of guy—a firefighter whose job it was to put out fires, not create them. One morning, Sam finally got the phone call he’d been waiting for—his daughter had gone into labor with her first child. Since the death of his wife eight months earlier, being involved in the lives of his children had become more important to Sam than ever. He had promised his wife that because she couldn’t be on hand for the birth of their first grandchild, he would be—no matter what.
Sam lived in a small mountain town, where he had retired after years of service as a forest ranger. The hospital was three hours away in the city. Sam packed a lunch, put his overnight bag in the trunk of the car, and settled in behind the wheel. The tank was full of gas, and the previous week he’d had the oil changed and fluids topped off. There was no reason to expect that when he turned the key in the ignition he would hear the telltale grinding sound of a starter gone bad.
“
Dear God, not today,” he prayed. “Of all days I need this car to start, this is it!” He tried again. And again. Soon it was painfully clear the car was not going to cooperate. Frustrated, Sam rushed back into the house and dialed the number of his mechanic.
It was Saturday morning, but there was a good chance the mechanic would be in his shop. He was, but a new starter would have to be sent from the city, and it wouldn’t arrive until Monday.
Sam’s anger escalated, jumping from Burner #1 to Burner #2. Why was God letting this happen? Sam hung up the phone and considered his options. There were no car rental companies in such a little town. He could ask to borrow a car from his two closest friends, but he knew one of them was off fishing and the other was on a business trip. And taxicabs didn’t come out to “the sticks.”
Sam’s only other option was taking the bus, which departed in an hour. Sam grabbed his bag and—15 minutes later—had a ticket in hand. He breathed a sigh of relief and sat down to wait with a dozen or so fellow passengers, his boiling anger cooling back down to a simmer.
But Sam’s “bad news day” wasn’t over yet. The company had mistakenly sold more tickets for the trip than it had available seats. When the bus arrived, it was already full of passengers.
“I could hardly believe my ears when the driver told us he had no more room,” Sam said later. “I was so mad I could hardly see straight.” In an instant his simmering anger on Burner #1 heated up to fury—skipping Burner #2 altogether and landing soundly on Burner #3.
Sam offered to sit in the aisle, but that was against company policy—liability issues. He asked if he could squeeze in with other passengers, assuming he could find someone who would be sympathetic to his plight. Once again, the driver told him that was against the rules. After ten minutes of pleading, it was obvious that no amount of arguing would get him a place on the bus.
Struggling to keep his rising anger at the company’s incompetence from exploding into a rage, Sam approached the clerk who sold him his ticket and asked for his money back. The man replied he couldn’t do that because Sam had elected to purchase a cheaper nonrefundable ticket.
“I assumed that nonrefundable meant I couldn’t get my money back if I missed the bus, not if they didn’t have a seat for me,” Sam said. “I was so mad my hands were shaking. The clerk saw how affected I was, and, with a sneer on his face, he told me it wasn’t his problem and that I should pay more attention next time when purchasing a ticket.
“That did it. My anger just exploded, way out of control. What happened next is just a blur in my mind.”
And what happened next is Sam hit the clerk—squarely in the face! Sam punched the clerk and had to be restrained by the other passengers, or he might have kept on punching! By the time the police arrived, Sam had calmed down, but the damage was done. He was charged with assault and had to spend the night in jail.
Later a judge reduced the charge and sentenced Sam to mandatory counseling and community service. He humbly apologized to the clerk. Through it all, he was humiliated and ashamed. Sam’s biggest disappointment that day was that his grandson had come into the world without his grandpa there to greet him.
You Can Clear Out the Deadwood
When Sam and I talked, I gently told him that he, of all people, should know that it usually takes more than a single spark to start a destructive forest fire. Before a blaze can take off and rage out of control, it needs something besides a source of combustion. It needs
fuel
—the right kind and in the right amounts.
Firefighters know the most combustible tracts of land are those where a lot of deadwood and dry underbrush have accumulated. Over a period of years, a poorly tended forest floor can become a tinderbox. Then even a careless spark can create a dangerous inferno.
That analogy helps explain the devastation in Sam’s life. In his case, the “floor” of his life became the unwilling target of an emotional napalm bomb.
That’s how explosive anger works, too.
But where did Sam’s violent anger come from?
Sam was angry because he was
hurting.
Outwardly, Sam was handling his wife’s recent passing very well. He didn’t display the usual signs of deep depression after such a significant loss. People said he seemed to be getting on with his life just fine. But beneath this sturdy facade, Sam was struggling with intense loneliness and pain.
The day these traumatic events took place was supposed to be a joyous one—the birth of his first grandchild. The truth was, it made him miss his wife more acutely than ever. This untended pain became powerful tinder to fuel his anger.
From Sam’s own perspective, he was in great shape. But in reality, he was sitting squarely on Burner #1, unconsciously simmering.
Sam was also angry because he was
afraid.
When his car wouldn’t start, Sam was suddenly afraid he would be prevented from fulfilling the promise he’d made to his wife, and to himself, to be present at the birth no matter what. He was afraid of failing his daughter and son-in-law.
Fear
fueled his anger by creating a false sense of do-or-die urgency, propelling him to Burner #2, where burning anger blurred his vision.
And Sam was angry because he was
frustrated.
Why did the car have to break down
that
day of all days? Why couldn’t the shop have had a starter ready to install? How could the bus company be so incompetent? Why weren’t things working the way they were supposed to?
With the stakes already so high in Sam’s mind, ordinarily petty inconveniences grew in magnitude, sending him to Burner #3, where fiery anger consumed his common sense.
Sam’s anger erupted when the insolent clerk treated him with disrespect. His fury was unleashed. He became infuriated over the unjust treatment, which, in turn, landed him on Burner #4.
In the end, the bus company reprimanded the rude clerk and refunded money to everyone involved in the mix-up. But no one could turn back the clock. Although Sam felt deep remorse, the damage had already been done. Once his fury was unleashed, the violent blaze of his anger took him down a path of embarrassing destruction.
Though Sam’s anger was justified, his actions were not. The sources of anger had compounded together to create the
perfect firestorm
that raged through Sam. At Sam’s expense, we can observe how the stages of anger progress from one burner to the other, rapidly becoming hotter with each stage.
Without a plan in place, we can see how a calm, rational person could get to Burner #4 with blazing anger, resulting in actions completely out of character for the person—actions later deeply regretted. That is why we need positive, proactive ways to keep anger from raging out of control.
Anger
is, indeed, one letter short of
danger
.
Escalating Anger: Burning Beneath the Surface
15
Because there are different types of anger with varying intensities, people get burned in different ways. A spouse, child, or co-worker can be wounded by a harsh word or by a flying object that leaves a deep gash across the forehead.
Just as there are four intensities of anger, there are four types of burns that can damage skin in varying degrees, calling for minimal to maximum treatment. The least damaging to the skin are first-degree burns, usually characterized by sunburns that are superficial and can be treated with mild, aloe-based creams.

 

“Partial Thickness” burns, also known as second-degree burns, typically manifest themselves with blisters and require more medicated creams for healing. “Full Thickness” or third-degree burns stretch below the epidermis, often affecting muscles, bones, and tendons. The burn victim’s skin takes on a shiny white, waxy hue, and he or she may require a skin graft.

 

Fourth-degree burns, the most severe, are characterized by black, shriveled skin and the suspension of all circulation. Grafting is not an option with such burns, and often amputation is the only way a life can be saved.

 

Just as you need to take every precaution possible to protect your body from physical burns, you need to be diligent about guarding your anger and ensuring that it doesn’t intensify to the point that it severely burns you…and the people around you.
3
FUEL FOR THE FIRE
The Four Sources of Our Anger
“Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back”
(PROVERBS 29:11 NLT).

 

BEAUTY TURNS TO ASHES when anger becomes a forest fire that incinerates everything in its path.
Take Philip, for example. How my heart hurt for him as we spoke during
Hope in the Night
, our live two-hour call-in counseling broadcast. He was in desperate need of help.
In a tense tone, Philip described how his father, a godly minister, had been murdered by his own cousin, Jack, 19 years earlier when Philip was a teenager. Philip’s dad had taken in Jack’s children, who had been sexually abused by their father. One day, after a church social, Philip’s father returned home and was confronted by Jack, who was angry because he hadn’t been included in the family festivities. A violent argument ensued. When it was over, Philip’s father lay dead, shot to death just inside his own back door and surrounded by horrified, helpless family members.
Jack spent ten years in prison for his crime, and then spent the remaining five years of his life taunting and terrorizing Philip’s family with ongoing threats of deadly retribution. When Jack died, Philip wondered if the gnawing anger that had come to define his life would be laid to rest, too. It was not. In fact, it steadily worsened.
Jack, it turns out, was buried just yards from Philip’s “best friend”—his beloved father. Every trip to the cemetery rekindled the embers embedded in Philip’s angry heart. Frustrated and exhausted, Philip told me he was desperate for change, but didn’t know where to start. He wasn’t even sure if help and healing were possible, given the severity of his wound. Could Philip’s clenched fists unfold to form a bowl, and could the bowl possibly be large enough to contain all his angry memories so that one day he could release them?
Here’s a portion of our on-air conversation:
Philip:
“I’ve never been able to get over my dad’s death…I can’t get the anger out. Jack shattered our family. Now that I’m getting older, it’s getting worse. I’m so angry inside.”
June:
“Are you saying you tend to overreact to things that should be fairly minor?”
Philip:
“Oh, all the time.”
June:
“Philip, this is powerful pain you’re describing. I especially appreciate your call because, often, what we focus on is
what we become
. Have you considered that the very thing that caused the death of your father—your cousin’s anger—is what you’re struggling with now? Do you want to be like your cousin?”
Philip:
“No!”
June:
“Of course not. But when we aim our resentment toward another person, our heart is not focused on what is good…we’re just focusing on the bad. Scripture says, ‘As a man thinketh…so is he.’
1
So we become bitter and unforgiving. We don’t know what to do with our emotions because we haven’t figured out a healthy way of handling the pain.”
Philip:
“I just don’t feel like justice was served.”
June:
“In truth, many people want revenge after an injustice. They want to get even. So let me ask you: Is there anything you could do now that would make it ‘even’?”
Philip:
“Probably not.”
June:
“No. You’re talking about the man you loved more than all others, the one who invested his life in you. There’s nothing that could
ever
make that even.”

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