Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions (10 page)

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Authors: June Hunt

BOOK: Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions
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5. Anger Undermines Mental and Emotional Well-Being
There is a big difference between occasionally getting angry and being an angry person. Getting angry when circumstances call for it is a natural response, whereas being angry most of the time is a precursor to a psychological enemy that stalks millions of people: chronic depression.
In fact, numerous studies confirm anger and depression go hand in hand, particularly when we get angry with ourselves.
What a sad and self-destructive price we pay for anger. The truth is that anger and depression feed each other in a relentless downward spiral of despair. The angrier you become, the more depressed you feel. The deeper you sink into depression, the angrier you feel.
Fortunately, God has provided a way to clear up this convoluted concoction. Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart.”
18
What do we learn from what Jesus has modeled for us? To let go and to forgive.
The evidence is clear: Unresolved anger is toxic to the human heart, mind, and body. To live the life God intended, your anger simply
must
be poured out into the Refiner’s fire. Allow God to burn away the damaging dross that has accumulated from years of anger, resentment, and bitterness.
6. Anger Hinders Our Christian Walk
God gives you permission to be angry. He never says, “Thou shalt not ever be angry!” He made you in such a way that expressing anger is a natural, spontaneous part of being human—like laughing or crying. What He does say is don’t sin and don’t
stay
angry. Specifically, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
19
Why is it important to resolve anger before you lay your head down at night? What opportunity does prolonged anger give the enemy of our souls? Just how does nursing hostility leave the door open for evil to creep in on us?
Imagine you are visiting the home of a dear friend. You both look forward to an evening of laughter and conversation. In the living room is a fireplace with a raging fire.
The fire is too hot for the small room, and right away, you start to sweat. It’s hard to breathe. You move your chair as far from the flames as you are able, but before long you can’t focus on a single word your friend is saying. All you can think about is that fire and how uncomfortable you are.
That’s exactly what raging anger does to our relationship with God—it
dominates,
while our spiritual vitality
diminishes.
As long as our anger burns, it’s next to impossible for us to concentrate on anything else. The raging fire in our anger bowls becomes the center of attention.
The Christlike walk comprises in part love, forgiveness, humility, and prayerfulness. There is no place for unresolved anger in the mix. Here are three reasons why:
•
Anger suffocates our motivation to love our enemies.
It is okay to be angry—on our way to forgiving our offender. Unresolved anger drives us toward revenge, not reconciliation—toward hatred, not love. However, Jesus unequivocally says, “Love your enemies” (Matthew 5:44). (This is not emotional love. The Greek term Matthew 5:44 uses for love is
agape,
which refers to a commitment to doing what is best for the other person.)
•
Anger smothers our motivation to pray for our enemies
. The longer we fume over some offense, the harder it will be to pray for those who have hurt us. In fact, typically, the last person we want to pray for is the one who has hurt us. Yet Jesus, who understands your anger, says, “Pray for those who persecute you.”
20
•
Anger stifles our motivation to surrender to God’s will.
Rage is an attempt to control the people and events in our lives and make them bend to
our
desires. It’s necessary to tame the flames before you can expect to sincerely say to God, “Not my will, but Yours” (Luke 22:42).
So…what is God’s will? Even when we’ve been unjustly wronged, Jesus commands us to forgive and to cancel the offender’s debt, just as our debts have been wiped clean by the Savior. The Bible says, “Love for God” is “to obey his commands.”
21
Don’t allow anger to drive a wedge between you and your love for God.
So…the bad news is chronic anger is costly
,
taking a tremendous toll on our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. It wields the power to ruin our relationships, impair our employment, damage our health, and interfere with our being in the will of God—and that’s just the short list.
The good news is we are not doomed to a lifetime of lament. The Bible says, “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”
22
If you are in Christ, you are a new creation. This means the past is wiped clean. God has made this possible, and He makes it possible—“as far as it depends on you”
23
—to know peace, healing, and hope in all your relationships and circumstances.
Matches: Fire on a Stick
It seems magical: You can actually make fire leap from a tiny piece of wood. But it doesn’t take a wizard to strike a match and light a fire, as if it were some supernatural feat. It’s a simple matter of assembling the right ingredients and applying the right forces at the right time. Here’s all you need:
• a matchstick coated on one end with red phosphorus and finely ground glass
• an abrasive surface
• friction
The heat of friction turns a small amount of the red phosphorus into its chemical cousin white phosphorus—a substance that bursts into flames in air. Other chemicals in the mix release oxygen in small amounts to feed the flames. Then—presto!—the wooden or paper match catches fire.
Of course, a match by itself doesn’t provide much light or heat. For that you need something to fuel the flame—a candle, or firewood.

 

To ignite anger also requires just the right combination of emotional ingredients—and friction caused by some hurt, injustice, fear, or frustration (or any combination of the four). Even then, however, what size fire you wind up with depends on the fuel you provide. So before the sparks fly, work to clear the kindling—the underbrush of bitterness—from your life.
5
THE FIRE EATERS
The Harm of Holding In Our Anger
“Careful words make for a careful life;
careless talk may ruin everything”
(PROVERBS 13:3 MSG).

 

“SO THAT’LL BE A CHEESEBURGER—hold the onions—one large order of fries, and a supersized bowl of anger. Anything else?”
Had a restaurant server attempted to confirm such an order in my younger years, I would have quickly corrected him.
Never
would it have been my intent to down a big, steaming bowl of fiery anger. But for a number of years, anger had become a staple in my emotional diet.
Growing up in an unpredictable home that fostered anger, I frequently chose silence when fiery eruptions occurred. Going underground with my feelings seemed the only way to survive in the presence of my painfully punitive father, who tolerated
no anger
but his own.
“Eating” my anger felt less dangerous than allowing it to surface. But over time, I’ve learned that when we bury anger alive, it’s only a matter of time before it comes raging back to the surface—only hotter and more harmful. I was subconsciously heaping my hurts into what appeared to be a bottomless pit. But every bowl has a bottom.
Fear Evokes Fire Eating
If you consistently internalize your anger, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why—the reason is
fear
. Either you’re afraid of what
you
will do if you express your feelings, or you fear what
others
will do (as in my case).
I constantly evaluated my situation: What will it cost me to be candid, to be honest? Security? Safety? Survival? I didn’t risk showing anger without calculating my potential losses. And from my fear-based perspective, the cost seemed to always exceed the gain.
Unfortunately, when fear is the dominant decision-maker, the idea that you might gain something by expressing your anger appropriately never enters the equation. Soon, you conclude it’s
always
safer to just “stuff it.”
That may sound cowardly, but in truth, many of us “anger eaters” have had good reasons to run from conflict. To survive we’ve had to find a way to endure relationships in which anger was truly threatening. Once in place, these patterns of behavior became reflexive, a kind of subconscious survival instinct that governed our relationships from then on.
It’s never too late to bring your fears to God and leave them there.
Realize that whether you indiscriminately detonate your anger in public or swallow it in private, you will end up scorched—possibly scarred for life. The good news is it’s never too late to stop stuffing your anger. How comforting it is that the Lord says, “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).
The Six Kinds of Anger Eaters
There are many ways to avoid confronting your anger. They run the gamut from total denial to clandestine counterattacks. That is why honestly identifying
your approach
is a great place to begin getting control over the smoldering and sometimes blazing fires in your life. Consider these common types of
anger avoiders
and see if you recognize yourself:
1. Stuffers: “Who, me? Angry?”
Everyone who knew Joan marveled that she seemed completely unflappable. She never raised her voice or lost her composure, even when tempers flared all around her. In her position as the office manager of a large church, Joan’s restraint served her well.
Coordinating the activities of eight full-time pastors and a dozen other staff members was enough to challenge anyone. But not Joan. She was calm and competent to a fault. A prominent church member once joked that if Joan had worked for Moses, she’d have served Pharaoh tea and cookies and had the children of Israel peacefully on their way before lunch.
It was a reputation Joan enjoyed and cultivated. Imagine her surprise, then, when the senior pastor began a private meeting with her by asking a startling question.
“Joan,” he said, “I wonder if you’d be willing to share with me why you are so angry?” She was floored. What
?
Had she heard him correctly?
“But I’m not angry,” she said with a serene smile. “I deal with angry people all the time, but I’m never one of them.”
“I’ll agree with you that you never lose your temper,” the pastor said. “But that isn’t the same thing as not being angry.” Having observed Joan at work, the pastor noticed a formidable line of emotional defenses just beneath the surface of her even-keel demeanor that kept everyone at a safe distance.
True, no one got under her skin enough to provoke her anger. But neither did they get close enough to enjoy her friendship or trust. Furthermore, he noticed her placid approach to life masked the harsh, punitive core of the high standards she set for her subordinates.
Stuffers
are people who hide their anger well. They are fearful of its negative consequences. They convince themselves—and sometimes others—that it never existed in the first place. They stuff it down inside and forget all about it, like the fuming, slightly smoldering firecracker relegated to the bottom of the fireworks box. Out of sight, out of mind…
for a while
.
On the surface, the strategy appears to work just fine. Like Joan, these folks often project a soft, magnanimous personality in public—even when enduring a painful offense that would infuriate most people. They simply smile and get on with life as if nothing is wrong.
But anger exists for a reason and doesn’t just disappear because you tell it to. Anger tells
you
when something needs your attention. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. No matter how deeply you hide your anger—even from yourself—it will eventually make its way back to the surface of your life, often with a vengeance.
Joan left her pastor’s office that day truly baffled. But she took his gentle suggestion that she ask God to show her any hidden anger she might secretly harbor. She went home and adopted David’s prayer in Psalm 139:23-24:
“Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
It didn’t take long for Joan to find an answer—she had deeply entrenched anger. Instead of releasing her anger to God, she had been harboring her anger…at God.
Ten years earlier, Joan and her husband tragically lost their first baby suddenly to a rare kind of respiratory infection. Joan had never resolved her seething rage at God for allowing the tragedy to strike her family. At the time, Joan was devastated and so overwhelmed with grief that denial became an iron curtain of forgetfulness falling over her thoughts, shielding her from molten emotion that threatened to spread and destroy everything else in her life.
Now, aware of it once again, she suddenly realized her pastor was right. In spite of her determined denial, the heat of hidden anger had silently seared her relationships all these years. Freedom came as she prayerfully acknowledged each hurt, and then gratefully released them all to God.
If you are a “stuffer” and want to be free, take heart. Nothing is hidden so deeply God can’t reach down and make it right. I know because He reached into the depths of my being, uprooted the bitterness, and extinguished the anger burning there toward my father. Be assured He can and wants to do the same for you.

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