Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions (7 page)

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Authors: June Hunt

BOOK: Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions
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Source #4—How Can Frustration Ignite Anger?
One hot, dry day, Moses’ frustration reached a boiling point. He had led about two million people through a vast desert. But for all his efforts, they continually complained, criticizing his leadership and condemning him for their plight: “If only we had died when our brothers fell dead…! Why did you bring us up out of Egypt to this terrible place?”
7
Now once again, they had no water. Earlier in their journey, God miraculously provided water by instructing Moses to strike a particular rock with his staff. When Moses obeyed, a stream of water—enough for all Israel—poured out of the rock.
8
At this point, God intended to perform a similar miracle, but He told Moses to simply speak to—not strike—a certain rock. However, Moses was so frustrated with the people that his anger boiled over the edge. Rather than speaking to the rock, he forcefully struck the rock… not once, but twice.
Gushing water
is what God intended—not
gushing anger
. As a result, God disciplined His chosen leader by not allowing him to lead His chosen people into the Promised Land.
9
At times, are you like Moses? Do you ever allow injustice, fear, hurt, or frustration to make you furious—for which you receive a painful repercussion? If so, what should you do when you are angry? The Bible says,
“
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil” (Psalm 37:8).
Compared to the powerful emotions of injustice, fear, and hurt, the fourth cause of anger—frustration
—
seems relatively minor. But consider this: Each of us has a vision of the way life “should be.” In other words, we have
expectations
of happiness, comfort, success, and security in life. Even in mundane matters we want blue skies and smooth sailing. Checkbooks should always balance, report cards should have straight A’s, drains should never back up, and cars should never break down.
Of course, we all know life’s not like that. Troubles seem to find us no matter how hard we try to avoid them. The problem arises when our expectations are consistently unmet over time. Then it’s easy to find ourselves simmering on a slow burn.
After a while we stop
getting
angry at particular frustrations and start
being
angry as a lifestyle. And within every angry person is a bundle of kindling needing only a small match to ignite a blaze far hotter than the frustration ever warrants. Frustrated expectations and desires are volatile fuel for unrestrained anger.
My Feelings of Frustration
No child is a match for an adult, and I was certainly no match for my father. Yet I hoped against hope that someone would be able and willing to rise to the occasion and “take him down” a notch or two and rescue us from his tyrannical rule. But no knight of King Arthur’s Round Table, no Superman, no defender of the people ever showed up to help us escape our prison.
I knew my father was wrong. But I also knew I was powerless to change him or the circumstances. Nevertheless, I knew right should prevail over wrong and good over evil, but that wasn’t happening in my home, in my family, nor with my father.
Something had to be done, but nothing was being done. Nothing I could conceive or contrive would help—nothing, that is, short of murder, the ultimate anger slip in my overflowing anger bowl.
As bizarre as it may sound to most people—not all—I was only trying to stop the pain. This was the only way I thought a “final solution” might be possible. When I approached my mother with the concept—“Mom, I have figured out a way to kill Dad.” In my teenage mind, I was simply being loyal and using my human logic. However, she calmly assured me, “No, honey, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, by that really won’t be necessary.”
Where did my morbid frustration come from? It was born out of my unmet expectations. I was a captive of my own making, a prisoner of my own unmet desires. But not until I was an adult would I realize that sobering fact.
We can keep from fanning the flames of frustration by surrendering all our unmet expectations to the perfect will of God, and recognizing He is in control of every circumstance and has a perfect plan for our lives. But until we let God’s will for us reign over our own will—based on our own expectations—that compromise will remain elusive, and our anger will continue to burn.
In what I just shared, it’s easy to find all four causes of anger at work. That is, a profound—and perfectly understandable—sense of hurt, injustice, fear, and frustration.
Emotional Debridement
As we revisit Philip’s story, we see that friends, family, and a lifetime of Bible training told him he needed to let go of his anger and forgive. But thus far, he’d been completely powerless to do so. The death of his father had produced an ugly, oozing wound. Left unattended, it had festered for years—devastating his soul, draining his spirit, and threatening to decay his body. Total healing called for spiritual surgery.
When dealing with a burn wound, those charged with treating it have to carry out a painful and unwelcome process called debridement, in which the outer layers of crusty deposits are removed. This allows air to reach the innermost part—enabling lasting healing from the inside out. Debridement is anything but pleasant. It requires revisiting, exposing, and cleansing the wound. But if it’s not done, a burn wound will never heal correctly.
With this in mind, I began to gently lead Philip through a process of spiritual and emotional debridement, prayerfully asking the Great Physician to bring healing.
June:
“Philip, anger is actually a secondary response to one of four underlying injuries: hurt, injustice, fear, or frustration. I’d like for us to look at each one, beginning with hurt. How would you characterize the hurt that surrounded your father’s death?”
Philip:
“It was the absolute most you could ever hurt anybody. It was that bad.”
June:
“That’s completely understandable. Now let’s consider the second cause of anger, injustice.”
Philip:
“A ten-year sentence wasn’t enough for premeditated murder. I can’t reconcile it.”
June:
“Absolutely not. That is one hundred percent unjust. Your dad did not do anything to provoke this. What about fear? Did your ordeal bring any sense of fear of the future?”
Philip:
“Jack sent letters from prison saying he was gonna kill all of us when he got out. He lived nearly five years after his release. During that time, my mother and I moved out of state because we were so afraid.”
June:
“Okay, so you’re telling me you experienced hurt, injustice, and fear. What about frustration? Did you feel frustrated over the situation?”
Philip:
“I still do. Every single day.”
June:
“Philip, I feel for you so deeply. And I have a better understanding now about why anger has taken root in your life. But holding on to this anger will only be detrimental to you. One question you must have considered is, ‘Where is God in all this?’ Have you been angry with God?”
Philip:
“I’ve blamed God because my whole life, my father pastored and lived a godly life. I felt like God should have protected him. I started drinking and living a worldly lifestyle. But years later, I read my father’s autopsy report. It said he was a severe diabetic who was probably on the verge of having a massive heart attack. I realized that God could have been protecting him from a heart attack…while getting a dangerous man off the streets. After that, I got back into church.”
June:
“I’m glad you recognize now that God’s not the perpetrator. He is the One who gives us free will, and we can all choose to go against God’s will, which is what the Bible calls sin.”
Philip:
“That’s right. I don’t blame God anymore for it. But I know I still have to find a way to deal with it.”

 

June:
“And that desire is great news. Hebrews 12:15 says, ‘See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.’ You’re giving the man who murdered your father the power to continue killing relationships—
yours
! This has to stop. And it can. Tell me, have you had a hard time forgiving Jack?”

 

Philip:
“It’s the hardest thing in my life.”
June:
“Why do you think it has been so hard?”

 

Philip:
“Because he took away from me the one person whom I never wanted to lose. Everyone tells me, ‘You need to forgive him.’ But in my heart I can’t find the justification. I can’t see where he deserves forgiveness.”
June:
“Unforgiveness is going to keep you in prison just as surely as Jack was in prison. Forgiveness sets the prisoner free. I’m glad you used the word
deserve
because forgiveness is not based on what is deserved. Forgiveness means that you are giving what is not deserved. The Bible, in Colossians 3:13, says, ‘Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.’
Forgiveness is not letting the guilty off the hook; it is moving the guilty from your hook to God’s hook.
“Forgiveness is not circumventing God’s justice; it is allowing God to execute His justice in His time and in His way. Forgiveness is not letting the guilty off the hook; it is moving the guilty from your hook to God’s hook. Forgiveness is not excusing unjust behavior; it’s acknowledging that unjust behavior is without excuse, while still forgiving. Forgiveness is not based on what is fair; it wasn’t fair for Jesus to hang on the cross, but He did so that we could be forgiven. Is this making sense so far…?”
Philip:
“It is. It really is.”
June:
“Think of it this way: Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a choice. It’s an act of the will. And the problem is this: If you do not forgive, the choice you have is to become bitter and angry, and then you become like the one who did the most damage to your life. You’re finding you now have anger out of control. That’s exactly what Jack had—anger out of control. Is that correct?”
Philip:
“That is true.”
June:
“When Jesus hung on the cross, He said, ‘Father, forgive them’—meaning He had a heart of forgiveness. Do you want to be like Jesus? Do you want to be Christlike? Is that important to you?”
Philip:
“Oh yes, that’s everything I want to be.”
June:
“That means you’re going to need to find a way to forgive, and there’s going to be a huge release when you do. Forgiveness not only means dismissing the debt, it means dismissing your demand that others owe you something. It means releasing your resentment. This has been tough for you, and I understand why. But it’s releasing your right to hear, ‘I’m sorry.’ You release your right to be bitter, to get even, to dwell on the offense. You release your resentment toward the offender; you release the penalty you think he deserves.”
Dousing the Flames Through Forgiveness
Philip and I talked for two hours that night, live, on the radio. During our remaining time together, I explained more about the biblical basis for forgiveness (which I cover at length in my book
How to Forgive…When You Don’t Feel Like It
). I asked Philip to list as many specific hurts as he could that were related to his father’s death.
Philip recounted each painful offense—representing his burdens and bitterness—the loss of his beloved father, his mother’s resulting health problems, his inability to trust, his anxiety about the future, the strained relationship with his wife…one by one he listed them. There had been more that enough “fuel for the fire” for Philip to hold onto a lifetime of bitterness—even hatred.
Once he’d recounted every last grievance and hurt, I asked Philip two crucial questions: “Do you want to keep Jack closely tied to you for the rest of your life? Or are you willing to release him and to take this pain—all of your deep emotional pain—and give everything to God?” A long pause followed as Philip carefully considered the implications. Then he replied, “I want to be rid of him.” As God’s grace flooded in, Philip prayed the following prayer:
Lord Jesus, thank You for caring for how much my heart has been hurt. You know the pain I felt because of Jack murdering my dad. How he threatened me…my mother…the whole family. Lord, You know the pain we’ve had because of his vengeful spirit. How he spewed anger…instilled fear…caused sleepless nights…created distrust…and distanced some of our family. How he impacted my brother…made friendships difficult…and how he’s worn me out.
Lord, I don’t want to carry this pain any more. Right now, I release all this pain into Your hands. Thank You for dying on the cross for me…for extending Your forgiveness to me.
Now, as an act of my will, I choose to forgive my cousin. I take him off of my emotional hook…and move him to Your hook. I refuse all thoughts of revenge. And I trust that, in Your time, You will heal me fully. I know You will deal justly and fully with my cousin.
And Lord, thank You for giving me Your power to forgive. In Your holy name I pray. Amen.
In that moment, it was as if a cleansing flood of water washed over the raging fire within Philip’s heart, dousing years of smoldering heartache. And, in that moment, he was free.

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