Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions (14 page)
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Authors: June Hunt
BOOK: Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions
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Growing Through Ghastly Pain
As Kayla sifted through the rubble of her relationship with Mitch, she learned a number of important lessons. Thankfully, she realized she couldn’t manage such difficult transitions on her own—she needed help. She enlisted a mentor, an older woman in her church, who provided sound advice and plenty of encouragement. Together, the two of them developed a plan that, if diligently followed, could give Kayla’s marriage a good chance of surviving. They decided Kayla needed to…
Understand the consequences of codependence.
If she permitted her husband to continue his disrespectful and damaging behavior, choosing to overlook mistreatment or to acquiesce to his unscriptural demands, she would be contributing to the problem. She memorized a key verse: “A hottempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again” (Proverbs 19:19).
If she permitted her husband to continue his disrespectful and damaging behavior, choosing to overlook mistreatment or to acquiesce to his unscriptural demands, she would be contributing to the problem. She memorized a key verse: “A hottempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again” (Proverbs 19:19).
Correct the confusion.
Kayla realized that the woman who wants to please God but is not grounded in the Word of God can become captive to an incorrect understanding of biblical submission. All too easily she accepted abuse, thinking it was right even though God says it is wrong. Kayla recognized she needed to study God’s Word and seek wise counsel so she could accurately understand the Lord’s design for healthy marital relationships.
Kayla realized that the woman who wants to please God but is not grounded in the Word of God can become captive to an incorrect understanding of biblical submission. All too easily she accepted abuse, thinking it was right even though God says it is wrong. Kayla recognized she needed to study God’s Word and seek wise counsel so she could accurately understand the Lord’s design for healthy marital relationships.
Build healthy boundaries.
This meant clearly communicating acceptable limits of behavior, stating what she would do if her husband crossed the line into inappropriate territory, and following through on her established consequences for boundary violations.
This meant clearly communicating acceptable limits of behavior, stating what she would do if her husband crossed the line into inappropriate territory, and following through on her established consequences for boundary violations.
Prepare strategies for safety.
Kayla and her mentor knew that abusive cycles do not change overnight. Most often, improvement—if any—is incremental. Therefore, if Kayla were to stay in the marriage, she needed a plan to ensure her physical and emotional safety. She devised a clear-cut strategy for the times when she felt threatened: confide the seriousness of her situation to trustworthy people; be alert to cues that tension was escalating; establish an “escape route” for dangerous situations; and have trusted people on standby to provide help and intervention, if needed.
Kayla and her mentor knew that abusive cycles do not change overnight. Most often, improvement—if any—is incremental. Therefore, if Kayla were to stay in the marriage, she needed a plan to ensure her physical and emotional safety. She devised a clear-cut strategy for the times when she felt threatened: confide the seriousness of her situation to trustworthy people; be alert to cues that tension was escalating; establish an “escape route” for dangerous situations; and have trusted people on standby to provide help and intervention, if needed.
In an ideal world, I could report that these and other strategies transformed Kayla’s marriage into a storybook romance. But of course, life is rarely ideal. Despite her efforts, Kayla couldn’t piece together the fragile fragments of her broken marriage alone. Without Mitch’s cooperation and commitment to change, she was forced to make the painful choice to live apart from Mitch, knowing that to stay would put her own life, and the lives of her children, in grave danger.
As is so often the case, Mitch didn’t let her go easily. He harassed, stalked, and stole from her—employing devious weapons from his anger arsenal. But Kayla’s story does have a happy ending. Her Christian friends and caring church community provided resources and shelter when she needed help. A family-law attorney at her church offered advice and helped Kayla navigate the legal system. She called upon law enforcement officials to provide protection for herself and her children.
It took several tense and trying years for Kayla to finally feel free of fear. Today she understands her God-given worth and appreciates the respect, care, and love she now expects, receives, and deserves. Her children, though not without wounds of their own, are thriving in a safe and stable environment. And Kayla is using her hard-won wisdom and insight to help other women find freedom from abuse.
Domestic Violence: A Worldwide Epidemic
We have to wonder how many women and children (and even men) don’t experience a happy ending, since, sadly, the kind of mistreatment Kayla suffered is epidemic:
• Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused during her lifetime.
13
• Nearly one-third of American women (31 percent) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives.
14
• In a nationally representative sample of Head Start programs serving low-income children ages three to five, researchers found 17 percent of the children studied had been exposed to domestic violence.
15
I’ve heard terror, resignation, helplessness, and hopelessness in the voices of countless callers to
Hope in the Night—
precious people in an emotional prison, who feel trapped and alone with nowhere to turn for help, no one to turn to for protection, and no feasible avenue to freedom. “The Flamethrowers” had deeply wounded and left us no hope for healing.
Hope in the Night—
precious people in an emotional prison, who feel trapped and alone with nowhere to turn for help, no one to turn to for protection, and no feasible avenue to freedom. “The Flamethrowers” had deeply wounded and left us no hope for healing.
I’ve also been privileged to paint the picture for them of a loving, saving God who is able to overcome any obstacle standing in the way of their walking in the freedom Jesus purchased for them…and becoming the person God created them to be.
I’ve introduced them to their true Need-Meeter and shared His promises with them. And like Kayla, many have found freedom by trusting God and relying on His strength and guidance. They have experienced healing by finding forgiveness in Christ and extending that forgiveness to their abusers.
The statistics are grim…and endless. No one would argue that abuse—physical, sexual, spiritual, emotional, or verbal—is a colossal problem in our society and in our world. Whereas exploders are overcome with rage and lash out, abusers have
chronic, ongoing
rage issues. To be sure, both have an anger problem, but abusers take theirs to an entirely new level.
chronic, ongoing
rage issues. To be sure, both have an anger problem, but abusers take theirs to an entirely new level.
If your genuine desire is to overcome explosive anger, remember: True transformation begins with true repentance.
These people are in critical need of intervention and treatment from qualified mental health professionals. Their rage is so far out of control it’s unlikely they will learn to contain it without significant intervention, accountability, and help.
Overcoming Explosive Anger
So what to do about all of this out-of-control anger? In Part Three of this book, I will provide numerous practical ways to handle anger by identifying and releasing wounds from the past, preparing ahead of time for anger flare-ups, and managing anger in the heat of the moment. For now, let me give a few ideas to ponder if you (or someone you know) have an explosive temper:
Repent.
This means agreeing with God that your anger crosses into sinful territory, and committing to turn away from your wrongdoing. Without rationalizing or excusing your behavior, ask for God’s forgiveness and grace. As Paul said, “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret…See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.”
16
If your genuine desire is to overcome explosive anger, remember: True transformation begins with true repentance.
This means agreeing with God that your anger crosses into sinful territory, and committing to turn away from your wrongdoing. Without rationalizing or excusing your behavior, ask for God’s forgiveness and grace. As Paul said, “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret…See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.”
16
If your genuine desire is to overcome explosive anger, remember: True transformation begins with true repentance.
Recognize your responsibility.
It’s painful to admit our faults and failings to ourselves and others. But if we’re ever going to conquer destructive anger, the process must involve clear-eyed and candid honesty. It must start by telling ourselves, our loved ones, and our Lord the truth. Diminishing the magnitude of the problem or discounting the damage it inflicts will only keep you stuck in unhealthy patterns.
It’s painful to admit our faults and failings to ourselves and others. But if we’re ever going to conquer destructive anger, the process must involve clear-eyed and candid honesty. It must start by telling ourselves, our loved ones, and our Lord the truth. Diminishing the magnitude of the problem or discounting the damage it inflicts will only keep you stuck in unhealthy patterns.
Realize the effects of anger.
Unless explosive anger is used to confront injustice and correct some wrong, there is nothing good that comes of it. An uncontrolled temper erodes trust in close relationships, creates an atmosphere of fear, thwarts intimacy and communication, and tarnishes your witness and reputation. Until you truly grasp the impact of anger on others—and yourself—you probably won’t be motivated to do the work necessary to prevail over the problem.
Unless explosive anger is used to confront injustice and correct some wrong, there is nothing good that comes of it. An uncontrolled temper erodes trust in close relationships, creates an atmosphere of fear, thwarts intimacy and communication, and tarnishes your witness and reputation. Until you truly grasp the impact of anger on others—and yourself—you probably won’t be motivated to do the work necessary to prevail over the problem.
Request help.
Few of us can triumph over significant personal challenges on our own. We need others to provide support, encouragement, and accountability. James tells us, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”
17
Trying to make changes while going it alone rarely works. God has designed us to draw strength from one another. Success in correcting our deficiencies comes not in isolation, but in the community of fellow sojourners.
Few of us can triumph over significant personal challenges on our own. We need others to provide support, encouragement, and accountability. James tells us, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”
17
Trying to make changes while going it alone rarely works. God has designed us to draw strength from one another. Success in correcting our deficiencies comes not in isolation, but in the community of fellow sojourners.
Regain trust.
When trust is tarnished by the smoky soot of burning anger, this precious treasure can be restored, but it takes some elbow grease—hard work and a determined effort—to reclaim its beautiful luster.
When trust is tarnished by the smoky soot of burning anger, this precious treasure can be restored, but it takes some elbow grease—hard work and a determined effort—to reclaim its beautiful luster.
Those you’ve scorched need to hear you take full responsibility for wrong choices and how your wrong choices are going to become right choices.
• Verbalize that you were totally wrong for reacting in anger. Admit your harshness is totally your fault.
• Confess your harshness was selfish and an attempt to control.
• Ask for a willingness to truly forgive you. (This may take time, so do not be demanding.)
• Demonstrate the depth of your remorse by the strength of your resolve to change. (Promises and tears won’t build trust, but actions will.) Develop a plan to act differently when you are angry.
• Share your plan, and
be consistent
in carrying it out.
The way to gain trust is to prove, over time, you are trustworthy not just when the relationship is easy, but when it is hard—when you feel frustrated, when getting your way has failed. Consistency is the key. Consistently responding without any harshness can, over time, change hearts and restore trust.
“Love your [spouses] and do not be harsh with them”
(COLOSSIANS 3:19).
Unresolved anger is one of the most vexing problems plaguing our society—and the repercussions reverberate across all socioeconomic lines. At this very moment, anger bowls are bursting in homes, in the workplace, at schools, and even in churches. Thankfully, God has not left us to feebly cope on our own. Through the power and the resources He supplies, anger can be managed and used in a healthy way.
Volcanoes: A Not-So- Mysterious ForceFor much of human history, people thought volcanic eruptions were the work of malevolent spirits or a vengeful god. What else could possess the power to shake the ground and bury whole villages in molten rock? Elaborate ceremonies were held to appease these supernatural forces in hopes of silencing the shuddering mountains.Naturally, twentieth-century scientists did not subscribe to such superstition—but that didn’t mean they fully understood why volcanoes exist or what causes them to erupt. That is, not until unrelated research in the 1960s and 1970s introduced us to plate tectonics. In short, the surface of the earth is covered by enormous slabs of continental and oceanic crust, and these slabs are
moving
relative to one another. But the movement is imperceptibly slow.
Suddenly things made sense. Earthquakes and volcanoes around the world are mostly concentrated at the edges of these plates, where they grind against each other in various ways. The pressures and friction are often great enough to melt underlying rock and send it to the surface in the form of a lava explosion.
Sometimes anger lies deep beneath the surface in your heart and mind, and it periodically erupts for no apparent reason. But God knows why—there is always a reason. Ask Him to help you delve deep to discover the source of your anger, and then allow Him to help you excavate it.
Part Two
DETECTING UNQUENCHABLE FIRES:
Why We Stay Stuck in Unhealthy Anger Patterns
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