Kieran & Drew (27 page)

“We will be.”
ChapTER ThIrTeEn.
H
E DIDN’Twait by the car. In fact, he didn’t even hesitate and walked

right past the car and toward home. Matt had seemed like such a good guy before, but just seeing his glare and hearing those words spat out at him was like taking ice water to his face. It was a familiarity he’d wanted to forget about and a reminder that Drew was the exception— the one guy who did actually like him. And Kieran just cost him his best friend.

He knew he’d done nothing wrong and wasn’t about to play the martyr, but he felt so fucking
raw
. He could see his father’s dejected, disappointed,
frustrated
face. He could hear every acid-like comment hurled at him, every withering glance ever thrown his way. And again, the exception was Drew. His day had started out upsetting. Then Drew had come, and everything had been good for a while. Now this. Now this feeling of having nowhere to be and of not fitting in with whatever “normal” was.

He dug his hands into his jacket pockets, his head down as he walked along the sidewalk. Feeling good for only a while just wasn’t going to cut it. It never was. Drew had quickly become that one good thing. His one thing to look forward to and a reason not to dread going to school, but he wasn’t enough to keep the rest of his life from pressing down on him, and Kieran knew that if he didn’t leave, he’d suffocate. He couldn’t be the disappointing son anymore; he couldn’t be the school loner.

He knew then that no matter what, he was going.

He pulled his hand up into his sleeve and swiped it over his eyes before shoving it back in his pocket. He’d been selfish. He’d known all along that he wanted to leave, and he’d known all along that Drew didn’t want him to. What was worse was that he’d said nothing. He hadn’t budged either way. Instead he’d remained silent, unable to do the kind thing and tell Drew with absolute conviction that he would be leaving. And he’d told himself this was fine, because Drew knew his intentions. But deep down, the truth was that his silence and being vague had given Drew false hope. So he wasn’t just weird and infuriating, he was cruel, too. He was being cruel to the most wonderful person he’d ever met.

He couldn’t be angry with Matt, because he knew Matt; he knew he was a nice guy. He’d been kind enough to include him, to talk to him and even defend him. He was Drew’s best friend, and you didn’t get to be Drew Anderson’s best friend by being an asshole. No, Matt was a good guy who now hated him, which to him was just proof that he was a fuckup from head to toe.

He ignored the honk of a car horn from behind, hoping it was anyone other than Drew, trying to get the attention of anyone but him, but a familiar rust bucket pulled up to the curb just in front of him. He considered ignoring him and walking away for just a second and then dismissed it as immature and unkind. It was time to man up.

“Kieran?” Drew called even before he was all the way out of the car. “Kier, you said you’d be bythe car.”

 

He looked anywhere but at Drew for a minute, then swallowed and nodded. “I know. Changed my mind.”

Drew stood before him, looking uncertain and worried. Kieran couldn’t look him in the eye and wished furtively that he wouldn’t speak—that he would not say a single word because Kieran had no idea how to say what he needed to.

“So. Um. Matt’s okay now. He’s sorry for the way he acted, so don’t worry about that.”

He nodded and muttered quietly, “Okay.”
“Are you going to tell me why you took off?”

Kieran forced himself to meet Drew’s eyes and instantly wished he hadn’t. There was wariness there, as if he sensed what was coming but didn’t want to believe it. “I just needed to get out of there—needed to leave.” He looked Drew straight in the eye. No more being vague, no more false hope. “I
am
leaving, Drew.”

Drew looked away quickly, glancing around them. “That’s cool; we can go hang somewhere else—”

“That’s not what I meant.”
“Matt’s going to apologize, Kier, he told me he would.” “It’s not because ofhim, it really isn’t.”

“School is nearly over, Kier; you don’t have to worry about Jefferson or that Toby asshole or anyone else—”

“I’m leaving Keys, Drew, and I’m sorry, because you really are amazing and quite easily my favorite person in the whole world, but my feelings for you don’t change the fact that I’m going. I was
always
going, Drew.”

Drew watched him, his upset obvious as he struggled for words. “So… what?” He stepped closer, close enough for Kieran to see the glistening in the corner of his eyes. “I’m just nothing to you?”

“Christ, Drew, you’re the reason, the
only
reason that leaving has become so difficult. Before, it was the easiest choice in the world. Now it hurts like hell.”

“So
don’t go,
then!”

“It’s not enough!” Kieran cried back, not giving a shit that anyone could overhear them if they were to walk by. “If I don’t go now I’ll never get out of here, I know it!”

“This isn’t some hick, dead-end, going nowhere town, Kieran. I don’t care what you say; it just isn’t as bad as you make it outto be!” “For
you
!” He yelled back. “I do not
fit
. Okay? I don’t fit here!”

“You’re making this so much more difficult than it needs to be. When school’s done? When you’re out of your dad’s house and doing your own thing? Your whole world could change, you could
find
where you fit.”

“That’s what I want to do!”

 

“But I’m telling you that you can do that here. Kier, you don’t have to move so far away….”

 

“I know I don’t have to. I want to.”

Drew rolled up his fists and pressed them into his eye sockets as he growled in frustration. He took a deep breath, keeping his eyes closed, and then reached for Kieran, rubbing his arms when he was unable to take hold of his hands. “Okay, okay listen….” He swallowed visibly. “I-I had this idea. What if you stayed in Keys, no—no please hear me out,” he said when Kieran tried to pull away with a groan. “What if you went to the community college, like me, and we… we got an apartment together?”

Kieran blinked in shock. “What?” he whispered.

 

Drew took this as a sign of hope and nodded. “Yeah, yeah, we could live together, go to college together, it’d be great!”

 

Kieran felt like crying. He hated seeing Drew like this.
Hated
it. “Drew,
don’t
.”

 

“And I swear to you that no one would ever bother you in college. I
swear
, Kieran. I’d never let it happen.”

“You can’t hold my hand through everything, Drew.” He shook his head, biting his lip as he looked away and discreetly wiped at the corner of his eye with the heel of his hand. “You have no business promising me that when you don’t know what’ll happen. I just….” He swallowed hard, and his voice came out a croak. “I need to get out, Drew, I’m so trapped here.”

Drew’s brows rose together sadly, and he looked pretty close to defeated. He ran a hand through his hair and then let it fall to his side again. He looked at the ground, then reached for Kieran’s hands and held them loosely in his own. “Kieran.” He took a few deep breaths, bolstering his courage. “Alright,” he said quietly, and when he looked at Kieran his eyes were glassy. “Alright, here’s the thing. I love… I love you.”

The only sound Kieran made was a quick intake of breath, his eyes widening slightly.

“I love you and I want to be with you for a really long time.” “Drew,” he whispered, too shocked to say anything else.

“And the thing is? You’re not the only one who’s trapped. But the difference is that you have a choice. I
can’t
leave. I can’t leave my mom all alone. But if I could? I’d follow you wherever you wanted to go. I wouldn’t even hesitate.”

“You would?”

“Oh yeah.” Drew laughed softly, sadly. “But I can’t. I can’t leave her. The only person here with any power is you, and I’m hoping so much that you choose to stay because honestly? As trapped as I sometimes feel? The only thing that makes it any better is you.”

“I-I… if it doesn’t work out? If I lose this window?”

 

“Why do you think this is your only chance to make a change? Your life is just about to
start
.”

 

Kieran groaned and rubbed his hands over his face. He felt like pulling his hair out and screaming. “I don’t know.”

“Please,” Drew whispered, his face filling with heat at the plaintive sound of his own voice. “Please, Kieran,” he whispered. “I’d do my best to make you happy, I promise.”

“Drew, I… I….” He trailed off with a heavy sigh, oblivious to the tear trailing down his cheek until Drew wiped it away with the pad of his thumb.

“Please let me be enough, Kieran.”

 

“I don’t like hearing you talk like that. I don’t want you to beg me. You should never beg anyone; you’re too good to do that.”

“Then tell me you’ll stay.”
“I… can’t. I don’t know….”
“Why is it so difficult for you to decide?”

Kieran closed his eyes, forced himself to think and get the words out. “If I stay, it feels like I’m giving in.”

“Giving in?” Drew asked, bewildered.
“Like I’m giving up on the possibility of my life ever feeling normal, or just
good
. If I stay, then all the shit I’ve been through just gets swiped under the rug, dismissed like it never happened. Where, in fact, I want to throw it in my dad’s face and make him see what it was like to be me, what it was like to feel unwanted.” He let out a deep sigh and shook his head. “Nothing I’m saying is coming out right. I sound childish and pathetic, I know. But sometimes, just the idea of that fresh start awaiting me somewhere else was the only thing that made me feel the slightest bit okay.” He looked Drew square in the eyes. “That’s what you’re asking me to let go of.”

Drew swallowed and stepped closer. “Okay, tell me this,” he murmured quietly. “Why can’t
I
be this fresh start? Why can’t I be that for you?”

Kieran looked away sadly, and he took a deep breath. “Because, Drew.”

“Because wh—”
“Because people never stay with their first loves.”

Drew pulled his head back, and he blinked rapidly, the hurt those words caused him obvious. “So… what, I’m… I’m just your first boyfriend and nothing more? A fucking warm-up for when you get out of here and meet the guy of your dreams?”

Kieran immediately shook his head. “No. No, you’re so much more than that, you have no idea.”

“I think… I think the problem here is that, well, for me? You make all that shit go away. But… but I don’t do that for you, do I?” Drew wet his lower lip and sniffed, looking away for a second to blink hard.

“You
do
. You are that person for me, Drew, I promise.” “Then why—no,
how
can you just leave me behind?” He snapped his fingers. “Just like that?”

“Don’t,” Kieran ground out. “Do not downplay how fucking difficult this is. I never thought I’d have this. I never thought I’d have to decide—”
“This?”

Kieran gestured between them. “What we have.”
Drew pressed his lips together unhappily, nodding. “Right.” “What? What did I say now?”

“Do you actually… I mean, I kind of just assumed… stupid of me, really.”

 

“What?”

 

Drew stared at him for what seemed a long time. “Do you even love me back?” he asked eventually, his voice quiet.

He could see how much it cost Drew to ask that, and he could see the pride that was sacrificed. He instantly softened. “Yes.” He smiled sadly and let out a quiet laugh. “Oh yeah. From the very start I loved you.” Heedless of their surroundings, he closed the gap between them, lifting his chin to press a soft kiss to Drew’s lips. “Out of all of this, that is the only thing I’m absolutely sure of.”

Drew watched him, a certain amount of tension leaving his frame. “So what is it going to take to convince you to stay?”

 

Kieran let out a deep sigh. “Why are you even doing this? I am so not worth this.”

“Yes. You are.” Drew sighed, stepped forward, and pressed a kiss to Kieran’s forehead before resting his chin there as he pulled him into a gentle hug. “What about if I gave you some time?” he asked quietly with the guise of being calm, but there was still panic, even a hint of desperation laced in his voice.

“What do you mean,
time
?”

 

Drew shrugged helplessly. “Not long now till graduation. Until then I’ll just… I’ll leave you alone. To think.”

 

Kieran pulled back and looked at him. “Think?”

 

“To think about what it is you really want. Without me there to guilt you into anything.”

 

“But-but that means if I go, I won’t… we won’t… I don’t like that.”

“Neither do I, and I really do think this is way more complicated than it needs to be, but… if you choose to stay, I want it to be because you’ve realized it’s what you want. Not because your pathetic boyfriend begged you to.”

“Don’t fucking call yourself that!” he choked out.
“Will you? Will you think about it?” He sighed. “Please?”

Kieran swallowed hard and then nodded. He understood what Drew was trying to do, and he even appreciated it on some level, but he had never felt so at fucking war with himself.

“Okay,” Drew whispered. “So, I’ll go. You think. If you stay, then come find me after graduation. If you decide to go… just go.” “What, don’t even say ’bye?” he asked, his voice hitching. Drew lifted one shoulder helplessly. “Say good-bye to me now. Hopefully just for now.”

Kieran let out a garbled sound close to a sob and ran a hand uselessly through his hair. “Why have I made this so dramatic? It’s stupid.
I’m
stupid.”

“No,” Drew murmured softly. “You’re not. You’re just uncertain and tired of everything being the same.” He kissed the corner of his eye. “You are not stupid.”

“I love you,” Kieran whispered, mortified that his chin was actually trembling.

Drew didn’t answer; instead he pulled Kieran close to press a single hard kiss to his lips, and then to his forehead. “I’m going now,” he murmured against Kieran’s temple. “Think. Decide. I love you.” He turned and headed to his car, then climbed in quickly and pulled away without even glancing back at where Kieran stood shell-shocked.