King 02 - Breathless (5 page)

If I thought that one telephone call would make me feel better about Michael’s absence, I was wrong. Granted, for the first couple of hours, as I returned to the shop and did my job, a sort of peace settled over me. I replayed our conversation in my head over and over, using it to block Lela’s thoughts and those of our customers as much as possible. I got a perverse assurance that Michael was suffering as much as I was, or at least nearly as much. I knew he missed me, and being missed is nice.

But even that glow couldn’t sustain me for too long. By the time I’d settled into Michael’s bed that night, the phone in my hand, my heart was aching and I felt nearly as alone as I had the day before. I called my mother to check in, and I could tell she was worried about me.

“Are you sure you want to stay out there again tonight? Isn’t it harder to be there—I mean, without Michael?”

I stifled a sigh. “I promised I’d stay with Lela until her parents get home, Mom. And no, it’s not harder. I can’t think of anything that would make this harder than it is. It’s actually kind of comforting to be out here. And it’s closer for work, too.”

My mother was silent for a beat. “Okay. If you say so. I just worry that you’re wallowing out there, with all that time on your hands.”

“As if I’d be so busy if I were home? At least here I have Lela.”

“And if you were at home, you’d have Amber and Cara and Anne—they’d be keeping your mind off everything.”

“Anne was out here last night. And Mom, no amount of distraction is going to make me feel better. This—this whole thing sucks. It just does. I’m miserable with Michael away. I don’t know if you can understand that. This next year is going to be incredibly difficult for me. Keeping busy isn’t going to change that.”

I knew that my mom was biting her tongue. I couldn’t hear her thoughts or read her moods from this distance, but I’d known her long enough to guess that much. I imagined that she was making up her mind to change the subject and take this up again later.

“Well, I guess we’ll see you after work on Thursday. Call me if you need anything—or if you want to talk. I’m always here for you.”

I softened my tone as I told her goodbye. She meant well, but it wasn’t a bad thing that we had a little distance right now.

I really didn’t expect Michael to call, and I had even begun to doze when the phone buzzed in my hand. Groggily I answered.

“Tasmyn?” Michael’s voice was low and vaguely amused. “Did I wake you up?”

“Mmmmm…” I struggled through the layers of sleepiness. “No… well, kind of.”

“I’m sorry. I just wanted to tell you good night, and I love you.”

Warmth seeped through my drowsiness. “Well, then, I’m glad you woke me up. I never want to miss hearing that.”

His laugh was quiet and intimate. “I’ll never stop saying it. Did you have a good day?”

I tried to remember. “I think I did. The nursery was pretty busy, and then Lela and I made dinner here. We watched a movie… she’s trying to keep me busy, keep my mind off… well, you, I guess.”

“And is she succeeding?”

I sighed and snuggled down deeper into the pillows. “I don’t know. I still think of you… oh, all the time?”

“Same here. You don’t have to worry about me forgetting you—everything I see reminds me of you. I see spots on campus where we could sit and read, places to eat… hey, and I saw a sign for alligator crossing, so that really made me think of you.”

I shivered and giggled. “Thanks. I’d just as soon leave the gators behind, if it’s all the same to you.” I yawned, hugely, unable to stop myself.

Michael sighed. “I better let you get back to sleep,” he said with regret. “My parents are in the hotel room anyway, waiting for me. We have to get up early tomorrow morning to move me into the dorm. So… good night. I love you.”

“I love you, too. Sleep well. Call me tomorrow?”

“The minute I have some privacy, I will. Sweet dreams.”

“I’m sure I will. After all, I’m sleeping in your bed. The pillows smell like you.” I breathed in deeply.

Michael groaned. “That’s not a visual I needed—you all warm and sleepy in my bed…”

I smiled again, delighted at the yearning in his voice. “’Night, Michael…” I sang.

“Good night, you shameless flirt.” I heard the click on the other end and gently set the phone on the nightstand. I had no doubt that my dreams tonight would be filled with Michael. For the moment at least, I couldn’t ask for any more.

Marly and Luke returned home mid-day on Thursday. I was in the front of the shop and saw the car pull through the lot onto the dirt road that led back to the cabin. I was unprepared for the stabbing of pain when it struck me anew that Michael wasn’t with them.

Lela glanced up from her inventory across the room. “Was that Mom and Dad?” she asked me.

I nodded. “Yes. It looks like they headed right back to the house. Do you want to go up and see them? I can cover here.”

Lela studied me briefly.
She’s hurting again. Having my parents back and Michael not here is going to be almost as hard as when he left…

I clamped shut my mind and frowned in concentration. Lela grimaced and shook her head.

“Was I thinking too loudly? Sorry.”

I shook my head in consternation. “No, it’s not you. It’s me. I should be able to keep it out. I was spoiled by always listening to Michael. And you and your mom are like him—you’re especially easy for me to hear.” I saw the look on Lela’s face and hurried to reassure her. “Not that I do. I really try hard to keep you out. It’s only when I’m particularly vulnerable that I end up accidentally hearing things.”

Lela laughed without much humor. “I’ve been trying to keep my thoughts in check all summer. I don’t know what I’ll do when I go back to school and can think freely.”

I felt horribly guilty. “I’m sorry, Lela. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t be yourself around me. I really, really try. And I haven’t heard anything at all that you wouldn’t want me to know. I promise.”

Lela appeared slightly mollified. “I know. It’s not your fault. And no, I’m not going up to the house yet. I’ll give them a chance to get settled. Besides, if I went up now, I’d get roped into helping them unload the car.”

We stayed at the shop until closing time, and then I walked to the cabin with Lela. Marly and Luke were sitting out on the deck, feet up and drinks in hand.

“Hello, girls,” Marly called. “Come and join us.”

I struggled to keep at bay the burning in my throat as I remembered how often Michael and I had relaxed on the deck with his parents. I followed Lela up the steps and perched on a chair.

“So, is he all settled?” Lela asked.

“Yes, he seems to be. His room is pretty nice—you know, basic freshman dorm. We liked his roommate. I think you’ll like him, too, Tasmyn,” Marly remarked.

I nodded, and she reached over from her seat to clasp my hand.

“He misses you terribly, you know,” she said, her voice revealing only a small measure of the reflected pain I knew she was feeling. “For the first hour or so of the ride up, I was holding my breath, waiting for him to insist on turning around.”

I tried to smile in return. “It’s a good thing he didn’t. I don’t think I could have handled another goodbye at that point.”

Luke nodded. “Farewells are always painful, even when they’re temporary,” he mused. “Marly, remember how hard it used to be?”

She smiled at him and reached with her free hand to pat his knee. “I haven’t forgotten. It never got any easier, did it?”

We were all quiet for a moment, lost in our own thoughts and memories. Then Marly turned to me again.

“Tas, we’re going to run down to the diner to eat. I’m in no mood to cook tonight, and I can hardly expect you and Lela to do it, either. You’ll come with us, won’t you?”

I hesitated. Part of me wanted to have dinner with the Sawyers, linger in their company, just to feel that much closer to Michael. Another part was aching with his absence each minute that I spent with his family. I took a deep breath and made a decision.

“Thanks. I’d really love to eat with you. But my parents haven’t seen me in days, and I think they’d be happier if I went home and caught up with them.”

Marly squeezed my hand. “Okay. I understand. Another time. And we’ll see you tomorrow at work, right?”
We’re all going to have to adjust. I can’t keep Tasmyn here just to feel closer to Michael. But I hope she knows I still want her to come around as much as she can.
I heard her as easily as I usually heard Michael and bit my lip, nodding.

“I’ll be here.” I answered her words, both spoken and unvoiced.

Lela helped me to gather my bags from Michael’s room. I avoided giving it one last glance as we went down the stairs.

We tossed everything into the trunk of the Mustang, and I hugged everyone before I slid into the driver’s seat.

“Sure you can handle her?” teased Luke, referring to my less-than-stellar beginning in driving a standard transmission.

I rolled my eyes at him. “Thanks for the vote of confidence. I’ll try not to stall until I’m off nursery property.”

So we were all laughing when I pulled away. But tears blurred my eyes as I glanced back in the rearview mirror and saw the three of them, watching me go.

My parents were thrilled to see me. My dad exclaimed over how well I did driving the Mustang, and my mother insisted on helping me unpack my bags. She even did my laundry for me. I sensed that they had missed me and were worried about my reaction to Michael’s departure.

To ease their minds, I made a good show of being fine. I ate dinner, forcing the food down my throat as I knew my mother was watching me anxiously. I kept up a steady stream of conversation and told them about my experiences at the nursery. I even managed to share some of Michael’s news from college, that he was settling in and liked his roommate.

By the time I could safely escape to my bedroom that night, I was exhausted. Keeping up a good front was tiring business. But my parents were reassured, and that was worth the effort.

Being back at home somehow made Michael’s departure more real. I knew I had to go to bed, sleep, and then get up the next morning and do it all over again. And I would have to do that every day for the next three weeks, until school began.

As I climbed into bed, I decided that it wasn’t the initial pain that broke a heart; it was living with the loss on a daily basis. I had survived that first break, but I wasn’t certain that the routine wouldn’t kill me.