King Sized Beds and Happy Trails (Beds Series) (17 page)

Why didn’t I grab his hand? It was right there, in my pocket, and then he pulled away, and I let him. Just like he let me walk out the door on the last night of our senior trip.

Ryan and I don’t do awkward, never did, and now every time I catch his eyes across the crowded hallways, or see his name pop up on m
y IM screen, awkward is all I get.

I hate this.

I should be walking next to him. Instead, I’m standing all alone watching as he gets farther and farther away from me. This has gone on long enough. I can’t bare another second of it.

“Ry
—” The words suck back into me as I go face first into a plaid shirt.

“Where’s the fire?”

“Mr. Miller, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s al
right, Alexis. Just slow down. Wherever you’re going will still be there when you arrive.”

Would he? A few days ago I’d bet my nail polish collection on it. I’m not so sure anymore. Never in a million years did I
think he’d drain a mini bar dry or even find my ring, the one thing I cherish more than him, and trust someone else to give it to me. He may as well be a stranger.

I shake the thought from my head and smile up at Mr. Miller. “I forgot to thank you.”

“Thank me for what?”

“The trip.”

He squints, causing the surrounding skin on his eyes to crinkle. “I’m sorry I don’t understand.”

“The ski trip.”

Mr. Miller scratches the side of his face, and creases form on his forehead. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“It’s okay.
I know.”

“No, Alexis I didn’t. It was
—-”

He doesn’t need to cover up and pretend like he didn’t. Too honorable
this man. “Ryan told me you pulled some strings. I just wanted to say thanks. I wish I had the money to…” My words falter, shame overtaking every ounce of me. Not like I have to finish the sentence. Most people have heard the stories about my mom, know I live in a basement apartment and work two jobs.

He rests his hand on my shoulder and gives it a pat. “You
know what? Don’t mention it.”

I nod still choking on the words I couldn’t push out and offer up a nod.

Last period takes forever to end, and when I step into the parking lot, my worst fear is confirmed. Ryan didn’t wait for me. The back of my eyes sting as I walk to my car.

Sean stands across the lot with Sandy, his arm draped around her. Ryan and I still aren’t talking
, and Sean has gone from his tongue down my throat back to his hand lingering dangerously close to Sandy’s boob. Glad to see he recovered from me so quickly.

I
get in my car and pull out. At the stop sign I wait longer than usual. I was supposed to walk Brewster today, but who am I fooling? Without Ryan I can’t do it, so I’m just not going to show. Unexplained absence is guaranteed to get me fired, but I don’t have the heart to walk away from Brewster willingly.

Turn right and go home. Or turn left and go to Ryan.

The little piece I experienced of what it would be like to be with him wasn’t enough. It was like tasting a forkful of cake when an entire sheet is sitting in front of me, and I’m forbidden to reach for more.

After everything.
The drinking. The screaming. Those awful words I chucked at him. I still want him.

Beep!

Startled, I cut the wheel to the right and head home. Surprisingly enough, Mom hasn’t been too awful lately. Of course when I want to hate her more than ever for what she did to Sandy’s family, she goes all Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde on me.

She actually asked me how my day was yesterday
. It was weird. We’ll see how long it lasts. The record’s five days.

A
green car sits in the driveway that I don’t recognize, probably someone here visiting our landlord. Other than Ryan we don’t get visitors.

I go to walk in but t
he door doesn’t budge. It’s locked. A sure sign mom’s still sleeping. I turn the key and step in. She’s awake, sitting on the couch and not in her usual getup. Her short skirt replaced with a pair of slimming jeans and her too tight shirt exchanged for a crew neck fitted tee.

She looks…good.

“Mom?” I ask. I need to hear her voice to confirm it’s truly her.

“Alexis, I wasn’t expecting you home
.”She jumps up from the couch and stands in front of me.

“I didn’t have to walk Brewster today.” I go to
move around her, and she blocks my path. “What’s your problem? Let me by.”

“I need to
—”

My attention turns to the bathroom. I point to the door. “Is someone in there?”

“I wanted to tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

A short man steps out of the bathroom, his comb-over barely covering the bald spot on the top of his head.

“Uh, honey this is Roger my
…my…”

“
Your…?” I shake my hand and throw my hands out waiting for her to spit it out.

“It’s okay
, Ruthie you can say it. The first step is admitting.”

She looks to him
, and he nudges his head in her direction.

“My sponsor.”

Her what? “Are you running a marathon?”

“No I’m
....” She fidgets with her hands. Her nails freshly painted with my
And This Little Piggy
nail polish, and when Roger rests his hand on her shoulder, she puts her hands at her side. “I’m in AA.”

I laugh. I don’t mean to. No screw that. Of course I mean to. My mother. Yeah and I better duck because pigs are flying overhead.

“Alexis.” My name in Roger’s voice halts my laughter. “This is a huge step for your mother and she needs all the support she can get.”

A snort slips
, and Roger gives me the stink eye. Mom’s back to fidgeting, and I’ve had about all I can take of this nonsense.

I turn away a
nd halt in my step when Roger stands in front of me. “Alexis, please. Your mother can’t do this without you.”

Another snort
escapes.

“You need to be a little more understanding.”

Anger boils in my skin, stretching out until it fills every part of me. I was going to walk away. I was going to let him learn the same lesson I’ve learned time and time again.

She’s never going to change.

“A little more understanding? I think I’ve been more than understanding. You have no idea what I put up with. No idea. And excuse me if I’m not being more supportive, but she’s let me down more times than I can count. She has
never
supported a single thing I’ve done. Yet I’ve been supporting her since I was seven, by wiping puke from her mouth and picking her up when she passes out.”

“It’s different this time,”
Mom says.

L
ike I haven’t heard it before.

“I’ll believe it when I see it.” I stomp past the two delusional people taking up space in my living room and right to my bedroom. I slam the door shut and throw myself onto my bed.

Unbelievable! Looking at
me
like I’m a terrible person. Who the hell is he? He wasn’t around when drunk, cruel Ruthie was around. He doesn’t get it. No one does. Except...

Ryan.

I pick up my phone and go to dial when I see a missed call from Mrs. Nelson. She’s probably wondering why I never showed. I can’t let down Mrs. Nelson or Brewster. I hit call and wait.

Tears creep into my eyes. This is all too much. Who is she fooling? Not me. Not again. I refuse to let her make me think everything is going to be okay because she’s going to get sober. Because she’s not. I bite my lip and rock back and forth. I need Ryan.

I go to hang up when I hear, “Hello?”

I push around the lump in my throat.
“Hi Mrs. Nelson. It’s Lexie. I’m sorry I didn’t show up today.”

“Oh, honey
it’s okay. I never want Brewster to get in the way of your school work.”

Huh? “Excuse me?”

“Ryan told me about the five page paper you have due tomorrow. You have nothing to worry about.”

The ability to speak flees me. I was wrong. Ryan is nothing like
the rest of them. He’s exactly who I thought he was. The boy who would do anything for me.

I reach into
my pocket and pull out the ring—his ring and slide it back onto my finger. “But I had a missed call from you.”

“I was just calling to see if you could give Brewster a bath, but I talked to Ryan
, and he took care of it. That boy is too sweet. A real keeper if you ask me.”

A smile tugs at my lips.
“Yes, he is.”

Mrs. Nelson hangs up
, and the phone slips from my hand. I stare at my ring. My twenty five cent ring that means more to me than any mood ring, any idea of paradise and any ski trip.

The s
ki trip.

My mind drifts back to earlier in the hallway with Mr. Miller.

“No, Alexis I didn’t. It was—-”

Ryan. That bastard!

The butt of my jeans is completely soaked. That dog makes sure when it gets a bath, so do you. It’s not helping that
it’s freezing outside, and I promised Grams I’d look at the radiator on the Lincoln. I’m pretty sure my ass is a popsicle.

M
y phone vibrates in my pocket, but my hands are more than greasy, and I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone. So I plop down on the creeper, and swing myself under the car, using the blasting music on my iPod to tune out everything else.

Too bad it can’t tune out all the crap going through my head.
I mean,
she just stood there
. Said nothing. And I’m still hung up on her. Fixing her ring, covering her butt with her job, thinking about her when I should be concentrating on this darn piece of crap car.

I messed up
. She couldn’t forgive me for what I did. Yet, I’m still trying to put it back together. And even if the small chance she does forgive me, where do we stand? Friends again? Or do I get sucked back into the endless torture of wanting more, and never having it?

Sniffing, I push back that damn prickling behind my eyes I can’t seem to get rid of. Losing Lex permanently is not something I want to do. I’ll take
“just friends” any day, as long as she’s still here.

I’m so lost in thought I almost bang my head as I jump. Som
eone’s hand is on my foot! I’m yanked out from under the car, rolling to a stop in front of the sexiest girl in the world.

Who lo
oks like she’s about to explode as she rips my earbuds out.

“What the hell?!” she shouts at me, taking the words right from my mouth. “You lying
ass!”

Whoa, what did I do this time?

I sit up, rolling some but get my footing. She’s standing over me, arms crossed, and a look that says I better start talking.

And I have no idea where to begin.

“Uh…”

“Oh that’s real good, Ry. Play stupid.”

Heat shoots up my neck, and I stand, ready to spit fire back at her. But the last time that happened, well…

I take a step back and wipe my hands off on
a rag I’ve got on the hood. The action calms me down enough to talk.

“Really, Lex, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Setting the rag back down, I lean against the car, hoping the distance will keep us both calm. “Is it ‘
cause I took care of Brewster?” Because that’s all I can come up with.

She takes two steps toward me, eyes still burning into my skull. Then she pushes me back so hard, I have to catch myself to keep from toppling over. So much for keeping distance.

“Stop! Just stop it!” Another push, and tears are starting to form. “It’s not just today. It’s every day. You saved my job. You fixed this ring.” She pushes me again. “And you paid for the trip, didn’t you? You lied, said you convinced Mr. Miller to let me go, but you didn’t say you
paid
for me.”

I wait for her to catch her breath
, trying to keep my own voice steady as I dig myself out of this one. “I tried talking to him, but the only way to get you on that bus was to fork out the money. So, that’s what I did. I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d flip, and you’d use your own cash to go.” I cock my head, because I know
she
knows I’m right. “I wasn’t going to let that happen.”

“Why
?” she spits through her teeth.

“Because you need that money to get out of that
craphole of a house. You need it to get into college.” I gulp. “And to get to somewhere you can finally be happy.” My voice drops an octave. “I wasn’t going to let some guy who doesn’t deserve you take that away.”

“So you spent all that money just so I wouldn’t have to.”

“Yeah.”

“But
why
?” Her hands rest on my chest, and she shoves me, but it’s not hard. Her head falls and she talks to the ground. “Why do you always do things like this for me? Be
honest
. Tell me the real reasons you’re always there. Why you’re still here even after…”

I
stand there like a moron gagging on my tongue. The longer the silence stretches, the redder her face gets and her whole body shakes.

And I say nothing.

She looks up, brow furrowing and shoves me so hard, and I have to take a step away from the car so I don’t put a dent in it. Her eyes water and her hands go up to give me another blow. I catch her wrists, holding her, not leaving her gaze. She’s mad, has every right to be. After the mess I’ve made of things, I deserve much worse than this. But she’s mad because she’s hurt. Because I’m keeping things from her. Because I never once… not
once
told her how I really feel.

Without another thought, I kiss her. Slam my lips against hers and lock her in my arms. She fights me at first, but not long enough for me to worry I’m doing something she doesn’t want me to. Soon the hands that were pushing me away are pulling me closer. Reaching up into my hair and yanking me toward her. I’m already so close, we end up stumbling till I
have her against the garage door. It’s like we both can’t get enough. Tugging each other so much I’m sure we’ll both bruise, but I don’t give a crap. She doesn’t seem to either.

I’m kissing her with everything I held back, everything I feel. So much is behind it, I don’t know how I kept it in. Or why I kept it in.

It’s a few minutes before I break away, letting my breath float over her face. She keeps her eyes closed, and her hand firm on the back of my neck, her body still locked against mine.

Though it doesn’t really need to be said, I say it anyway. Because Lex should know if she didn’t get the hint from my lip attack just now.

“I did it because I love you.”

Her eyes pop open. I smile and play with the ring o
n her pinky. The one I gave her.

“I do everything because I love you. Not that best friend kind of love, but… more than that, Lex.” Letting my nose touch hers again, I go close to her lips because I just have to be there. “I
can’t tell you how sorry I am for hurting you. For disappointing you. For not being someone you deserve. I won’t be that selfish ever again.”

I’m not expecting
a laugh, but that’s what I get. All the anger she had before seems to have vanished with that kiss.

“Selfish?” She still keeps close to my face. “You are the least selfish person I know.”

“It was selfish. I knew you’d be pissed about the drinking, but I did it anyway. Because I was—”

“Hurt.” Her hand drops from
the back of my head to my chest, taking a ragged breath before she says, “And
I’m
sorry. I didn’t ever want to hurt you.”

Smiling, I wiggle my nose against hers. “
I
was hurting me, Lex. You didn’t know, because I never told you.” I take her face in my hands. “That’s my fault, not yours.”

I’m about to kiss her again, but she looks down
, and all I get is the top of her head. “How long have you felt this way?”

That’s a hard question to answer. Feels like forever. I don’t remember
not
loving her. So all that comes out is, “A long time.”

She sighs
, and I take that as my cue to step back, since she’s pressed against the garage door and can’t move. Her hand grabs mine though, making sure I don’t go too far. That’s when I notice she’s not wearing a jacket. Going out in the cold
again
. I roll my eyes as she shivers.

I unzip my jacket and go to take it off, but she bolts into my arms, wrapping herself in the hoodie with me. Chuckling, I zip us up, and let her rest her head against my chest.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” she asks, relaxing in the warmth of our bodies.

“Didn’t want to ruin it.”

It’s a lame excuse, but it’s the truth. Lex nods against me, squeezing my middle. “I’m sorry it took me so long.”

“What?”

“To realize everything I was looking for, everything I needed, I already had.” She snuggles deeper into my chest. “I’ve loved you for a long time, too. Just didn’t know it. And not that best friend kind of love, but… more than that.”

Everything in my body sp
arks as her hands run up my spine. The girl I love just said she loves me back. And I’m not drunk this time. I’m not dreaming. It’s me and Lex, sharing the same jacket, clinging to each other like we never want to let go. The smirk on my face probably looks cocky as hell as I pull her chin up so I can look at her.

And her two dimples.

“You do?” Because that’s the genius line that comes out my mouth. “You love me, too?”

She rolls her eyes and attempts to punch me, but the jacket holds her hands tight against m
y back. “Duh. How can I not love you?” Her nose wiggles against mine. “You’ve got the sexy eyes, the paradise body, and…” She slides her hand down, sticking it in my wet back pocket and squeezing. “My predictions have been confirmed about your amazing ass.”

I chuckle and tighten my hold on her. “All physical with you, huh?”

“Well, I’m not going to get into the sappy stuff, because you’ll just make fun of me.”

“If I promise not to, will you get sappy on me?
” Because despite everything she’s doing, I have to know if I’m making her happy. She deals with so much crap at home, at school… I mean, at the ski lodge she didn’t have to deal with that, but here she still does.

“Really?” Her eyebrow goes up. “You think you can control that smart mouth of yours?”

I purse my lips together and nod. She laughs.

“Sappy stuff, huh?” She wiggles her nose against mine again. “Well, I can’t possibly name everything you do for me, because we’d be here for a million years
.”

I guffaw
, and she gives me a look that says, ‘shut your attitude or I’m not saying anything else’. I turn that guffaw into a cough real quick.

“Anyways… like I was saying, just for example, you remember a few weeks ago when we were at Skippy’s?”

Of course.

“Yeah.”

“And you crawled in the backseat with me…” She nods toward the Lincoln. “…and you said—”

“I told you to stop crying. Real sensitive, aren’t I?”

She attempts to punch me, but still can’t do it right with her trapped hands.

“No, you told me Sandy had boogers hanging out of her nose.”

A chuckle rumbles through my chest, and her head bounces as I laugh. “Oh yeah. I forgot about that.”

“I didn’t.”

“And that’s the sappy stuff? Booger talk?”

Instead of punching my shoulder, Lex gives my butt cheek one big pinch. It stings, but I’ll take that over a bruised bicep.

“Will you let me finish?”

“Sorry.” I laugh.

She lets out a hot breath so close to my mouth, I’m tempted to not let her finish.

“I thought that was it. Poof. No love for me. I was destined to be alone just like my mom always says. Sad doesn’t even describe how I was feeling. And you, you made me laugh. Made me smile. Gave me hope. Made me forget. No one, not my family, not Nate, not even Kaylee, could do that for me.”

She snakes her hand under my jacket, going up my chest and resting on my face.

“All that stuff you said earlier… why you paid for my trip, because I deserve to be somewhere that makes me happy… well, that’s right here, Ryan.” She squeezes me, and lightly kisses my lips.

“Damn it,” I say when she pulls back.

She gives me a look. “What?”

“How the hell am I supposed to beat that?”

Her smile goes so wide her two dimples appear.
“Can I stay here tonight?”

Concern wraps around every inch of me.
Lex only asks to stay if she’s having family issues. Maybe her anger before wasn’t entirely about me.

“Is it your mom?”

“Yes and no.” She smiles. “She’s not drunk. Shocking!” Her laugh gets muffled by my t-shirt. “She’s actually ‘trying’ to get back on her feet. Going to AA and stuff.”

My head jolts back
, but she cuts me off from asking about it.

“But I really, I just want to have our last night. The one we didn’t get to have on the trip.”

I have to shift my lower half away from her, so she doesn’t feel what exactly that request does to me. “Uh, you know my grandparents live here, too.”

She
laughs. “I’m not saying we’ll do anything. I just want to sleep next to you.” She gives me a peck on the cheek. “Please?”

“I’m not allowed in the guest room.”

Her smile widens, going two dimpled again. “I’ll sneak into your room.”

I want to. But knowing Pop-pop and Grams, we’ll get caught. I nod, but hedging my bets, I unzip her out from my jacket, take her hand and pull her into the backseat of the Lincoln.

“Just in case we don’t pull one over on my grandparents tonight…” I lay down across the seat, motioning her to cuddle next to me. She falls into the crook of my arm, letting out a sigh. The good kind of sigh. The one that says, “I like it here.”