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Authors: Steve Kluger

Tags: #Humour, #Adult, #Historical, #Young Adult

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BOOK: Last Days of Summer
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Juvenile Detention Center of the
Borough of Brooklyn

To:
Capt. E. LaFontaine

From:
Sgt. F. Kahane

Subject:
The Margolis Kid

1.
He won't eat dinner. Says he wants brisket on rye bread. We tried to fool him with roast lamb, only it didn't work.

2.
Claims to be suffering from a variety of ailments that mandate his immediate release. These include appendicitis, heart attack, diphtheria, polio and gonorrhoea (which he pronounced correctly). Actually, we think he has a slight fever—this has been regulated with Bayer aspirin and orange juice.

3.
Still hasn't identified the boys who attacked him, and won't even admit that it happened. Says he was run over by a vegetable truck. Judging by the severity of the beating, we're pretty sure the Bierman brat was involved, but we have no way of corroborating without the kid's help.

4.
The mother and the aunt were notified and have been waiting in reception since 3:30 this afternoon. We believe it would be inadvisable to let them see Joseph for several days, or at least until his facial lacerations have healed somewhat. Both are apparently unaware of the repeated assaults on the boy; on such occasions, he's told them that he fell off his bicycle. Note: Mrs. Gettinger (the aunt) has now determined the religious affiliations of all receiving personnel and will only speak to Sgt. Greenberg.

5.
We have telephoned the father several times at his residence in Manhattan. The housekeeper advised that she had given him the message, but as yet we have not heard from him.

6.
We asked the kid if he wanted to tell us why he did what he did, and were informed, “You bulls can't keep me in this creep joint forever. Not unless you want your lamps put out.” Considering that he's only twelve, we felt it polite to treat the threat with the same sort of respect it's accorded in the movies; as such, Lt. Frierson (who sounds more like Edward G. Robinson than anyone else on staff) warned him, “Yeah? Well, if you don't start singing, you're going up the river.” It didn't work. All he did was bribe us with the Maltese Falcon.

7.
We've contacted Don Weston in Psychology, who's interviewing the kid in the morning. In the meantime, I'd be careful about drinking the water.

I Must Not Pee in the Reservoir

BY
J
OEY
M
ARGOLIS

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not support Fascist Spain.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

I must not pee in the reservoir.

 

I
NTERVIEWER:
Donald M. Weston, Ph.D.

S
UBJECT:
Joseph Charles Margolis

Q:
What happened to your face?

A:
Jack Dempsey knocked me out in three rounds. It was in all the newspapers.

Q:
You don't trust me, do you?

A:
Nope.

Q:
You want some candy?

A:
No.

Q:
You want a drink of water?

A:
No.

Q:
You want a cigarette?

A:
I'm twelve. Almost. On June 8th.

Q:
Lots of kids your age smoke cigarettes.

A:
Not me. How about a brandy instead?

Q:
I don't have any.

A:
That figures.

Q:
Does your mother smoke?

A:
No. But she can drive.

Q:
How about your father?

A:
He's an aviator. He built the
Spirit of St. Louis
with Lindbergh and the Curtiss Robin with Wrong Way Corrigan, and sometimes he takes me flying over the—

Q:
Your father owns a textile plant.

A:
Right. I forgot.

Q:
Do you like your father?

A:
Yes.

Q:
Why?

A:
Don't know.

Q:
How come he wouldn't have lunch with you?

A:
I think he had to talk to some people about nylon in his office. And Nana Bert always says he's not there at home.

Q:
Who's Nana Bert?

A:
His wife. They live on Fifth Avenue.

Q:
Does that bother you?

A:
Not much, I guess.

Q:
What did you do when they told you he wasn't coming?

A:
I ordered a shrimp cocktail and a steak. The maitre d' is Kenny and he calls me boychik. He went to the yeshiva with my Dad. And he always lets me say things like “Put it on my tab.”

Q:
Then you urinated in the reservoir?

A:
Not yet. First I clipped a goldfish from the five and dime. I ate it.

Q:
How much of this are you making up?

A:
All of it. How come?

Q:
Joey, do you think maybe you got into trouble so you'd get caught and they'd call your father?

A:
You mean negative attention?

Q:
Uh—yes.

A:
Wouldn't work. Even the police couldn't get him to come over.

Q:
You don't think so?

A:
Nope. Nylon. But he's taking me to the World's Fair. He promised.

Q:
What happened to your face?

A:
Bank holdup. I want to be like Jimmy Cagney in
Each Dawn I Die
. “Stay out of my way, copper.”

Q:
Do you really?

A:
No, but stuff like that scares the heck out of you guys.

Q:
What about your mother?

A:
She boils my underpants.

Q:
I beg your pardon?

A:
You heard me. On the stove. Aunt Carrie almost ate a sock once.

Q:
Do you like her?

A:
Aunt Carrie?

Q:
Your mother.

A:
I love her. A lot.

Q:
She says you don't get along too well at school.

A:
That's because Mrs. Hicks had a nervous breakdown. I gave it to her by accident.

Q:
How?

A:
I found the sacrifice fly rule in the Bill of Rights. She didn't believe me, but I proved it. Then they took her to the hospital.

Q:
Do you mind if I show you some pictures?

A:
No.

Q:
All right. Now what do you see?

A:
A Rorschach blot.

Q:
Joey—

A:
Okay, okay. Center field at the Polo Grounds. This is the bleachers and that's the ball that Charlie Banks hit into them on April 10th. He's the
only one who ever did that. Even DiMaggio in the '36 Series couldn't. Only Charlie.

Q:
You sound pretty proud.

A:
I am.

Q:
What happened to your face?

A:
My head got caught in a mechanical rice picker.

Q:
Take a look at this one. What do you see?

A:
Third base. That's where Charlie lives. Over here is right field, and this is the plate. You know what happened there on April 19th?

Q:
Charlie Banks hit three home runs.

A:
How did you know that?

Q:
Doesn't everybody?

A:
Not in Brooklyn. I
hate
Brooklyn.

Q:
I don't blame you.

A:
You don't?

Q:
Who cut you up like that? Was it Lenny Bierman?

A:
He called me a kike first. I told him Charlie Banks was my best friend, but he didn't believe me.

Q:
How come?

A:
I was lying.

Q:
Let's try another one.

Q:
Okay, what do you see?

A:
What do
you
see?

Q:
Uh—I think it's the Polo Grounds again. Right?

A:
Are you humoring me?

Q:
No. Why?

A:
Because it's a sideways map of Wisconsin. This is Racine where he was born.

Q:
Charlie Banks?

A:
You bet.

Q:
It wasn't just Bierman, was it? Joey?

A:
No. Delvecchi too.

Q:
What are you going to do about it?

A:
Don't know yet.

BOOK: Last Days of Summer
8.86Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
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