Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians (12 page)

Lisa: I don’t deal with any comics other than at roasts and on TV and stuff because I bring my own openers wherever I go. Every headliner does if they have the choice because you want to be around your friends. I have this gay guy who opens for me all over the West Coast and Boston. I have this chick and this stoner dude who are opening for me this weekend. You want to be around your friends. I’m not around comics much.

I get shit on definitely by a lot of comics behind my back because they’re jealous. It’s like, whatever. The guys like Jeff Ross, the e-mails I got from him after this roast, I saved them they were so nice. They all gave me a standing ovation after the Shatner roast; you saw all the guys jump up. That’s lovable. Patton Oswalt, my God, we had a conversation afterward, because we were both doing Adam Corolla, and we said, ‘Let’s both roast Adam; it will be fun.’ You get respect from the guys that are really doing something in the business. The guys that are losers and have been kicking around forever hate on ya’, and that’s all right. There are people hating on Howard Stern. There’s people hating on Jay Leno.

Corey: A lot of people get into the business because they want to make it in Hollywood. You’ve dabbled in the acting a bit. Is that something you’re interested in?

Lisa: I just got cast in the new Owen Wilson movie. I just found out. Isn’t that cool? I’m so excited. I sold a sitcom idea to Fox last year. The only reason to do a sitcom—you can ask any comic—is to quit the sitcom some day and just fill theatres and arenas some day. I don’t have this great need to express my art through a situation comedy. I really want to be well known so I can draw. The live performance is all that counts.

Luckily, after the Shatner roast, I got calls from two of the major networks saying, ‘What’s Lisa doing sitcom-wise, now that the Fox deal didn’t get picked up?’ My manager said, ‘We’ll meet with you again.’ I chose two writers from this team that wrote ‘That ’70s Show.’ We just cliqued. You have to clique with your writers. We put together a treatment based on my life this year for a sitcom called, ‘Dating Miss Lisa,’ about me in the last year about trying to find love after a horrible break-up, which is absolutely true. It’s kind of ‘Sex in the City,’ or what ‘Sex in the City’ really looks like. It’s not four hot chicks hanging around the coffee shop. It’s a fag, a fat chick and an angry bitch with issues. That’s what we’re pitching next week.

Corey: Since you talk about dating black guys in your act, are they coming out of the woodwork now?

Lisa: It’s funny because, I have an assistant now who answers all the fan mail and does my MySpace, but I tell you, if there’s any hot blacks, make sure I’m notified of this, because it’s a very important career development to Lisa Lampanelli. I have to get laid, too. I have to date. I’m a person, too. I also am starting to get—which is very flattering, because I lost 20 pounds on that Jenny Craig—I am starting to get the, ‘I know I’m not black, but why don’t you give us white guys a chance.’

There’s some cute white guys out there. I may start to get lighter in my dating, you never know. It’s pretty funny, because I don’t want a boyfriend right now. I just want to be that chick who makes out with a lot of guys. I don’t even want to bang them. I just want to make out with them. I’ll just make out with guys for a year; it will be fun.

Corey: You went through a nice list of gay terms on the CD. Have you come up with any new ones?

Lisa: Dude, you’re such an asshole, because I’ve got my new list at home; I’m not lying to you. At my hotel room, I’ve got my new 15 words. OK, wait a minute: gay, homo, fruitcake, cream puff, thumb chum, anal astronaut, peanut pusher—which is fuckin’ great—hemorrhoid hitman—is that genius?—and, of course, Ryan Seacrest. There you go. You’re a homo, right?

Corey: Yeah.

Lisa: Yeah, cause you got that fuckin’ faggoty voice on ya.’ Jesus Christ. Goodnight nurse. Aren’t those words so funny? I just love those terminologies. Fag boys are the best. They always just get it, you know?

Corey: For the people who only know you from the roasts or the CD, what are some sweet things about you?

Lisa: I cry at ‘Judging Amy.’ I watch ‘Dawson’s Creek’ reruns. You think comics have fun the whole time they’re on the road, getting laid? Absolutely not. I go home, overeat at IHOP, make myself throw up and watch frickin’ reruns on TBS in the fetal position and cry because I’m lonely.

I love Hello Kitty.
Love
Hello Kitty. You know what that is? You’re a faggot, so you know. I spend an inordinate amount of money on shoes and handbags because they’re the only things that fit when you go to the store. It’s not painful to shop for them. Clothes, it sucks. But it’s like, ‘Ooh, a purse! I’ll spend $1,200 on that.’

I spend every moment I can with my parents, because I’m always convinced they’re gonna die, even though they never do. I’ve been threatened with their death for 45 fuckin’ years. They never go away but I’m still worried they’re gonna die. I love my nieces and nephews and I want to buy them all cars when I get famous and really piss off their parents. My phone’s all glitter. I bedazzled my phone. I’m so gay. I’m like a gay man.

Corey: Are people surprised by your stance on the ‘N’ word?

Lisa: I guess. They never come up to me about it. Like I said, if you don’t mean anything with hate, you can say what you want. I know that the blacks, it’s funny, because I have asked a lot of black guys this—it’s all about the intention. It’s worse for some guy with disdain to go, ‘Oh, Mr. African-American.’ So much more offensive than, ‘Hey, nigga’, what’s up?’

It’s all about what’s in your heart and the intention of it. I would never … that’s what’s so funny. When I’m driving down the street and if a black guy would cut me off, the first thing that would come to my mind was, ‘Asshole!’ It was so weird how I would never jump to the ‘N’ word. I know it’s gross and can’t be said in anger. Or Jew or kike or any of that shit. Well maybe kike, because Jews are the problem. Mel Gibson was right. The Jews are funny because they can take a joke. They’ve been persecuted so they know. I get why I say it. For me, if 10 percent of the population gets me, that’s enough to sell out theatres for the rest of my life, so that’s fine. If not, I’ll just work at Kinkos and Xerox my twat.

Corey: I think on that note, those are all the questions I have.

Lisa: Ending on the twat thing really is kind of nice. That’s cool.

As you can likely tell from the previous text, Lisa Lampanelli is no different in an interview than she is on stage. For those easily offended, she will likely call you names. Plus, she has you cracking up and crying from start to completion, making it hard to write down what she is saying. And most of what she says is dirtier than a coal miner’s lungs, making it difficult to find stuff that can be printed in a “family publication.” Here is the second interview I did with Ms. Lampanelli.

Lisa Lampanelli: How’s St. Louis, (Ho)MO? Whenever I see MO, I always think of homo. Remember that, mo? How old are you?

Corey: I just turned 32.

Lisa: Oh my god, you’re young. Well, in my day we called the dirty faggots mos. And they liked it and bent over for us.

Corey: It will probably come back.

Lisa: I hope! One can dream, Corey. Are you a dirty, stinkin’ homo, or are you regular?

Corey: I’m the former.

Lisa: You’re a corn-holer? Thank God, I am so sick of straight boys. I only get recognized by you faggots because you think I’m Kathy Griffin. Got a lot of nerve, you dirty faggots. The straight people think I’m funny, too. I don’t just want to be Margaret Cho, you know what I’m saying? You do. I can tell we speak the same faggoty lingo.

Corey: I saw you on the Flavor Flav roast last night.

Lisa: Yeah, if you were straight and black, you would jerk off to it.

Corey: You looked really good.

Lisa: I know. You know how many hours that took? At least four but I have no plastic surgery—proudly—and I just have my hair extensions. Real tits, fake hair. That’s my motto.

Corey: Were you treated any differently by the guys?

Lisa: No, which sucked. The only one who said I looked good was Jeff Ross. When I want to bang an ugly Jew, I’ll do a fucking rich one. What’s hilarious to me is I get props from an ugly Jew with a girlfriend and all those fucking darkies couldn’t care less. Snoop Dogg at one point said into the camera, ‘I’d bang her,’ but I’ll have to play it on replay and spank one out to that, too.

Corey: How long does the taping take?

Lisa: Seventy-three hours. Do you believe that shit, Corey? No, it takes like two and a half hours. The Courtney Love one, with the Pamela Anderson shit, took like three and a half hours because she was just misbehaving so badly and they had to stop the tape. And all of these people kept bombing so badly and running really long. Oh God, when is this gonna end? And the poor audience is so bored because Courtney Love’s throwing a shoe again. Oh Christ. This is the one we all thought was going to be so troublesome, because of all the blacks. Because blacks are very problematic in life or TV tapings, it doesn’t matter. Of course what ends up, the blacks behave. Quickest TV taping we ever had. I just think they all had to get back by 11 so their ankle bracelets didn’t go off. A lot of gold in that room, son.

Corey: Did they edit your material at all?

Lisa: They have to because we all have to do like seven minutes, but they cut us down to three for broadcast. But we have to do more in case somebody bombs and has to get cut out completely. That usually happens. This time nobody bombed so horribly that they had to be cut out completely, which is rare for these things. Last year somebody was cut. Pam Anderson, I think three people were cut. Basically it was good. They cut us down just for time.

Corey: Are there any lines they cut you’re bummed about?

Lisa: No, I’m not bummed because I have to tape another hour special, and my manager just told me to start working on it. I’m sad because I have nothing to talk about in my life because I’m emotionally bankrupt, so what do I do? Fuck, I’m gonna use those roast jokes. I’ll be like, ‘You know who else was there, Carrot Top. Blah-blah-dee-blah blah blah.’ So I’m gonna use all the jokes anyway.

Corey: How much time do you have to know who else is going to be on the dais?

Lisa: They tell you like a month in advance, and then they have edits up to like a day before. Mike Tyson was supposed to come up until like a day before. No lie. I had like two pages of Mike Tyson jokes, and I said he couldn’t come because he had a previously scheduled rape. What I did was I had to write jokes about Mike Tyson then I wrote jokes about why Mike Tyson couldn’t show up. The same thing about Andy Dick. Andy Dick couldn’t come. I was sad because I was looking forward to him rubbing his vagina all over me again this year. Oh my God, does he have a vag and a half? Basically it’s one of those things that up to the last minute, you’re crossing shit out, you’re editing it. Whatever happens, happens.

Corey: I know you’re not Kathy Griffin, dishing on celebs, but do you think that whole Jon Lovitz fight thing was the reason he didn’t show up?

Lisa: His lawyers probably told him not to show up. Because he’s a ballsy guy and loves publicity, and he’s such a raging queen. God forbid you faggots must get as much attention as you can. I bet he wanted to come, but his lawyer said no. Sort of like your eyes say yes, but your mouth says no. Sort of like every boyfriend I’ve ever had.

Corey: What’s it like after the roast is over? Is there a party?

Lisa: It’s horrifying. There’s a VIP area we all stay in and talk to the other celebs. There’s never any bangable guys in those. And I’m always like, ‘Snoop Dogg ain’t gonna fuck me.’ He’s surrounded by like 12 girls from the video. All I do because I’m a big loser is walk around, and everyone tells me I’m the best—because I am—and after 15 minutes I go home. My manager says, ‘Do not stay longer than 15 minutes. It looks desperate and needy,’ which are my best qualities. She goes, ‘You stay 15 minutes and you time it and you leave.’ I had all my friends with me so we had fun and went back to the Four Seasons and cried one little American Indian littering tear. That’s it. It’s over.

Corey: After doing so many of these, how would you rate your performance?

Lisa: Mine? Gangster. I’m the best. I’m the fucking best comic in the world. No, no, no, I compare myself to everybody else. You know what they say in AA, compare and despair. You must be a raging alcoholic if you’re a homo. All you gays, sucking dick behind mommy’s back, so then all of a sudden, you’ve got to drink.