Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians (13 page)

My performance I loved, because I looked really good, so I thought, ‘OK, a little more power.’ I also thought my jokes were fucking killer. I would say this and the Foxworthy one were my favorite. The Foxworthy one, oh my God, the jokes were just so good. ‘Ron White has disappointed more fat women than Jenny Craig.’ Those jokes are so funny.

Corey: A couple of your cleaner lines were great. The Kool-Aid line. (Lisa said, ‘My twat has been on more black men’s lips than purple Kool-Aid.’)

Lisa: Wasn’t that funny? That’s absolutely true. The funniest things are true about the blacks. Absolutely. Didn’t you love the Carrot Top joke, too. Carrot Top, my God. Mr. Friend has got to get his shit together. How much do you hate yourself when you’re a prop guy with steroid problems? You know, ming!

Corey: Do you get asked to do corporate gigs?

Lisa: If I get asked to do them, I say I’ll only do them if I can be 100 percent myself, because I make so much money that I could turn anything down I want that doesn’t make me comfortable. Even for benefits I say, ‘Look man, I’m doing this shit for charity and you don’t like me to say “cunt.” Go fuck your mother. If you like me, why would you hire me? Hire some pussy. Rita Rudner is available.’ You know what I mean?

I watched that thing with Kathy Griffin at that jeweler’s convention. I watched it, and I was crying. Every female comic I know watched that; we’ve all been through that. They kiss your ass to get you to do this shit and then stare at you. It’s like, ‘You fucking twats.’ What happened was, thank God, I watched that because I got a call and said, ‘Look. I’ll do your charity for your retard kids. I’ll tell you what, I won’t make fun of retard kids because that’s just mean, but I’m not gonna not say cunt or whatever I say, because that’s who I am.’ ‘Well couldn’t you just edit a couple of words?’ Absolutely not, because then the list becomes bigger and bigger. So I said, ‘Look bitch, I’ll write you a check instead,’ and I probably won’t send it, because they can go fuck themselves. They don’t want to hear cunt, they don’t get a check.

Corey: Have you had an experience like she did?

Lisa: Horrible! With her, I think it was a paid gig. Mine, it was a charity. You’re gonna die. This fucking cunt of a baseball player, this Lee Mazilli, used to be a coach for the Mets. He sponsors this diabetes event for children. OK. We’re all adults and friars. I’m killing and this motherfucker would not make eye contact after nor would he say, ‘Thank you.’ Everybody else got watches. I didn’t get shit. You know what, it wasn’t even a good watch, because I like Cartier, so you know you can go fuck your mother. But that is just mean to not look at me and not say thank you.

I was fuming. This was like seven years ago. I’m fuming mad. Why do I put myself in this position? Every time now I say, ‘Do you know who I am? Do you know I’m gonna say “cunt” if I want? If you don’t like this, please just let me make a donation.’ I can’t be bothered with it. It hurts your feelings a lot. You go home and you’re all upset. I just wasted my whole night. I could have done a paid gig for these fucking losers with diabetes. ‘Hey, eat a fucking candy bar. Lick me.’ Am I right? See, I get angry. Thanks for the interview, you fucking asshole. These faggots, you’re always trying to ruin our good time.

Corey: I did want to mention that a friend of mine noticed that you refer to yourself in the third person a lot.

Lisa: Absolutely, Lisa Lampanelli refers to Lisa Lampanelli in the third person, because I’m the most important person in the world. And if nobody else will do it, I will. And you tell your fucking person, who I’m sure is a fucking faggot, too, because all you faggots stick together, that if he means that as criticism, then I am not doing his diabetes charity event either. You just tell him I said it.

No, it just makes me laugh. Whatever makes me laugh, I figure is going to make the audience laugh eventually. It makes me laugh to go, ‘Lisa Lampanelli,’ like I’m a fucking celebrity. I was saying that when I was doing comedy a year. ‘Oh, she thinks she’s a big shot?’ It always cracked me up.

Corey: As you put many people down, do you get a lot of groups point out someone you’re not hitting?

Lisa: Oh yeah, I have to get these fucking dykes. These fucking dykes, they want to be included. But I learned early on the difference between gay men and dykes is gay men have a sense of humor. They used to be very easily offended so I didn’t bother with them. Now I have dykes who come to my show.

Dude, I get lipstick lesbians; I don’t get ugly, hairy ones, so that’s kind of cool if I decide to jump on to the tuna boat. You never know. I’m like, ‘OK, I gotta hit the dykes more.’ I get so offended when women say, ‘You should make fun of men more.’ ‘OK, the 8,700 other hacky, crappy comics don’t do that enough for you? You fucking whore bag, now go home and get knocked up again like that’s a freakin talent.’ Oh yeah, make fun of men. I hate that shit. I also don’t like when someone comes up and says, ‘Yeah, you should make fun of white people more.’ ‘Yeah, here’s what I have to say to you. I make fun of faggots and that’s always white. I always make fun of bald people. That’s white. And fat people, that’s white and old people. That’s white.’ I make sure all my sub-groups are white people so they can’t bitch. What are you really gonna say about a white person? ‘Oh, how you doing bank president.’ We have jobs. We work. What’s there to say about us? Next. Did you like ‘Sex in the City?’

Corey: Of course.

Lisa: Did you like Mario Cantone on it? When they were looking at the wedding dresses and he’d go, ‘Next!’ and Charlotte would go, ‘I don’t think I liked …’ ‘Hated it!’ I love that.

Corey: I just talked to Mario.

Lisa: Did you cornhole him?

Corey: No, it was over the phone.

Lisa: So what, faggots will stick a dick in whatever. Oh yeah, how you people view your commitments. Do you have a faggot partner? What’s up with that? Why am I the only one without a partner? Boo hoo. Weeping. Look at how I’m sobbing openly.

Corey: You travel with friends, right? They open for you?

Lisa: My faggot, fucking gay Wendall, Big deal. He’s out blowing guys behind the Home Depot and I gotta suffer? He loves picking up Mexicans at Home Depot. Is that like a cliché or what? It’s hilarious but true. He has two in L.A. that he picked up at Home Depot. I just love those stories. I have no sex life at all because I’m taking a year off. He totally keeps me going with his fagotty sex escapades. I also have two girls with me, Tracy and Laura. I can’t bring straight guys with me anymore because I will way fuck them and it screws up the whole relationship and I admire them and send them home in a flourish like Joan Crawford in ‘Mommie Dearest.’ That’s what I did with the last one. I like sent him an e-mail with his plane ticket and was like, ‘You are hereby relieved of your duties.’ It was very Joan Crawford. Now I’ve got to just have straight women or gay men with me. I gotta get laid, dude.

Corey: Is this a year of cleansing for you?

Lisa: Emotional cleansing, if you will. What happened was I was with a string of sick individuals and said, ‘Oh my God, the only thing they have in common is me.’ And I’m weeping openly because my manager always tells me, ‘Don’t cry in interviews,’ so I’m pretending to cry to fuck with her. So yeah, I just decided to take a year off from dating so I can figure out how to stop attracting these losers, and I should really be dating well above my status. I mean, do you slum? Do you bang like blacks and things?

Corey: Not in years.

Lisa: If I guy can kill me or rape me, sign me up. I just go around and have fun, and I flirt occasionally, but other than that it’s gonna be ’til next June. L.L. is spanking it out in the hotel room after the show.

Corey: Did you legitimately cry in several interviews?

Lisa: No, it was just one. OK, it was Valentine’s Day, and I was all sad because the guy I was dating, I felt like he was cheating on me because I felt in my heart that he was. He was always emotionally unavailable, and he totally was always e-mailing other girls on his MySpace account. How gay is this that I’m 46 and give a shit who he’s talking to on MySpace? It’s really sad. I’m going to this guy’s place for Valentine’s Day, and it’s horrible because I know he’s not emotionally there, and I am.

So the Washington Post of all places, the biggest newspaper in the country, calls me for an interview, and I’m like, ‘Blah.’ They asked, ‘Is it harder for a woman comic?’ I said, ‘Absolutely not, it’s easier because it’s easier to stand out, but the problem is the loneliness.’ So, of course, I start crying. I thought it made me very vulnerable, and I like that. As a comic, you need that vulnerable side.

Then the article gets syndicated to every single newspaper in the country. I got a call from ‘The Tonight Show.’ ‘Is Lisa OK. Are you OK?’ The article said ‘sobbed.’ I’ll be honest with you, dude; I’m a really honest person. I’d tell you if I sobbed. This bitch trumped it up. I was like, ‘It’s really hard.’ That’s not sobbing. It was a little teary thing. I was actually not that pissed. I think it showed a good side of me. For a sitcom to succeed, it needs that person.

So my manager called and said we need to talk to you about sobbing in interviews. I go, ‘Maggie, it shows me to be vulnerable. And by the way, cry another fucking BMW I bought you. Lick it, bitch, you’re making 15 percent. Shove it up your cunt.’ Wrong or right, no boys for Lisa for a while.

Corey: That’s a shame.

Lisa: No it’s not; it’s good. I’ve been going from 12 to 46 without a break. Boy is my cunt tired. I’m writing ‘Codependency the Musical.’ The closing number is, ‘Boy is My Cunt Tired.’

Corey: You’ve been doing this for a while. Are all comics damaged?

Lisa: They’re all damaged goods. Who isn’t damaged goods? Aren’t newspaper reporters? Isn’t your faggot, dick-lick boyfriend damaged? We’re all damaged goods, mister. We’re more fucked up than a lot of people; I think we’re on par with anyone who considers themselves artistic and considers themselves more sensitive. Don’t you hate that? We’re more sensitive. ‘No you’re not; you say nigger for a living.’ We all have feelings. Wah fucking wah. I’ll never date a comic again. That was a huge downfall. Never date someone in your business. Like what does your faggot love do?

Corey: He’s in human resources.

Lisa: Oh, so he hires and fires blacks? Excellent, I love him already.

Corey: I was surprised after reading your column in Instinct that you wrote for Rolling Stone for so long.

Lisa: Isn’t that wild. I went to Syracuse for journalism school. Where did you go?

Corey: I went to Southern Illinois U.

Lisa: Ooh, sorry. You lose. Next. Delete. And you’re working on Homo Times. Did they hire you because you’re a homo? You wouldn’t hire a big, straight, strapping guy. You write about Lisa, Kathy Griffin and corn-holing. That’s your three fucking subjects. What else, the fact that you want to get married. I say we let you people get married but don’t let you get divorced and see how you like it. I have ideas, mister. You think I’m a vapid little fucking douche bag who refers to myself in the third person. Well, I am.

Corey: What did you do for Rolling Stone?

Lisa: Nothing. I did copy editing and a few little stories, but my big super cool rock and roll credit was I used to be the managing editor for Hit Parader magazine. I used to interview all the hair bands. So I interviewed Ozzy Osbourne, Bon Jovi, Cinderella, Slaughter, the list goes on and on. Ratt. I was at the video shoot for ‘Round and Round’ by Ratt. OK. So you’re not cool; I am. That’s the crap I did.

Corey: When you were with Hit Parader were you one of those rock chicks?

Lisa: Oh honey, I wish. No, I was a fat chick trying to interview bands, which is good because I never tried to bang them, I just really liked the music. I was really shy. I got to watch what is really making Jethro Tull tick. I actually took it seriously. ‘Lisa, come on, the people have one hit.’

Corey: How did you make the transformation from journalism to comedy?

Lisa: What had happened was, I felt like I had nothing left to give. I had interviewed every band I wanted. I was totally bored. I was a prog rock fag, so I loved Jethro Tull and Rush and all them. What’s next? I snapped. I said I want to help people. I went to grad school for teaching at Columbia—also better than yours. Hated student teaching because I really didn’t like kids. Oops.