Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians (14 page)

I was driving one day and I heard a thing on the air about rent a DJ, like go to weddings. And the karaoke craze just kicked in. ‘Oh my god, I want to do that.’ It can make me warm up to be a comic. I could talk on a microphone and get used to it. And then it all just blossomed from there. And now I’m talking to you. Is this a career ender? The roast yesterday, you today. This is charity.

Corey: How many years before people became interested and you started becoming known?

Lisa: Before I became fabulously famous? Lisa Lampanelli? When I really started seeing audiences grow and sell out for me was after the Pam Anderson roast. I can remember walking into this club like a month after it aired and they’re like, ‘You’re sold out.’ I’m like, ‘Get out of here. Why would I sell out this place?’ I started being on Howard Stern a lot, ‘The Tonight Show,’ the Shatner (roast) thing. It all started snowballing. That Pam thing was huge.

Corey: How old were you the first time you started?

Lisa: Thirty, I think. Because I’m 46. Like 16 years.

Corey: Was it an open mic night?

Lisa: I took a class, because God forbid, I’d actually know how to stand up and talk. I took this class on how to write five minutes of material and blah blah. We all did it at the same time. It was a class graduation show. It was so fun. I was totally conceited because I did so good. I called in sick the next day at work.

Corey: What happened to the other people you graduated with?

Lisa: Nothin’, they’re all dead of AIDS. Actually, nothing. I don’t think anybody is still doing it. Nobody I started with is still doing comedy except Jim Gaffigan, who’s at my level. Some have gone on to be writers, because some comics are better writers than performers. Mine’s the opposite. I like the performing part. Most kind of quit. If you don’t have it, you don’t have it. Then you compare yourself to me, and you’re always gonna lose.

Corey: It wouldn’t be too late for me?

Lisa: If you weren’t a dirty faggot, I’d say yes, but you’re gay, so your time limit is very short. I would say it’s never too late. You know Rodney Dangerfield didn’t hit until he was 50. Some people just grow into it later. Whatever dude. I say just try it. I can see your fabulous personality. You’re good. I actually like you. You’re not boring me to death like most people do.

Corey: You said the same thing last time.

Lisa: Did I like you or hate you? I can’t say I remember or care. I’ll try to work it up for you next time.

Now, comedy’s Loveable Queen of Mean is off the market and getting hitched.

Does that mean Lisa Lampanelli has softened her blows?

I think I caught her in a sweet mood. She was, after all, planning her big day with her fiancé, a restaurateur lovingly referred to as Jimmy Big Balls.

Corey: Are you wedding planning today?

Lisa: Believe it or not, I was at the Friar’s Club, where we are getting married, and met with the florist, the menu guy and it is so insane, but that’s OK.

Corey: Is this going to be a big, wild wedding?

Lisa: I think so. It’s not too big—only about 125 people—but it seems big at this point. At this point I’m thinking, ‘Why are we doing this? Oh, I get it. Show off that we have money. Yay!’

Corey: Because this will be at the Friar’s Club, will this be less toasts, more roasts?

Lisa: I’m too insecure to invite other comedians, except the ones who work for me. My friends and family are not funny, thank God.

Corey: It’s not traditional that we see a bride give a toast every time, but because you are so outspoken, are you?

Lisa: I’ve been reading every book and magazine about weddings and they say, ‘The bride and groom should give a little speech thanking their guests for coming.’ I’m sure we can’t do that without getting a laugh, because Jimmy gets laughs all the time, too.

Corey: Is it a challenge being in a partnership with someone who is funny as well?

Lisa: In my show I say, ‘I won’t give him a microphone, because there’s only one star in the Lisa Lampanelli relationship, and that’s me.’ It’s great that he is funny, because sometimes when I’m doing a radio show it’s so early in the morning and hard to be funny, I go ‘Right, Jimmy,’ and for two minutes he goes off. Then I get my thoughts together. He keeps the pressure off me.

Corey: Very nice. Are you writing your own vows?

Lisa: No, we’re both too emotionally unavailable to speak from the heart in front of people, so we’re going to have the officiant do the ‘Will you blah blah blah,’ and we’ll say, ‘We will.’ Otherwise, it would be too much like ‘Bethany Getting Married,’ and I just don’t want to get that emotional.

Corey: Is it tough to work when you’re trying to plan something like this?

Lisa: I’m so anal that I planned so much in advance, so most of it’s done. Also I have a lot of back-up; I have an assistant. The Friar’s Club is doing pretty much everything. Put it this way, it could happen tomorrow and it would go off without a hitch. I’m not thinking about it too much, except micro-managing every single detail!

Corey: What about the dress?

Lisa: Yes, I went to the Jew place in (TLC’s) ‘Say Yes to the Dress,’ Kleinfeld’s. I got a big ball gown and we measured it and it’s like 150 inches around at the bottom, so it’s like a Scarlett O’Hara dress. We measured the doors to make sure I could fit. Here it is, I lose weight and I still can’t fit through a freakin’ door!

Corey: Is your father going to walk you down the aisle?

Lisa: No, I think the tradition with second marriages is, you’re on your own. I’m walking myself, plus he can’t fit down the aisle with me and that dress. Sad, but true.

Corey: Have you discovered you’re more of a girly-girl than you thought?

Lisa: Oh yeah, my colors are Tiffany blue and ivory, so yeah, that says a lot. Either that, or I’m just a money-grubbing whore who likes Tiffany’s, giving people a gentle hint to buy me something expensive!

Corey: How much have you been talking about the whole relationship and planning and stuff onstage?

Lisa: A lot. Not the planning and stuff, because I do comedy guys can relate to, not so much women, because guys are the ones usually spending the money on the tickets, so I talk a lot about Jimmy and his enormous nut sack and all the other stuff. I don’t really talk too much about the wedding, because guys are like, ‘Move on, bitch.’

Corey: Have you gotten a sense of disappointment, because you’re seen as a guy’s gal—ready to throw down with the fellas?

Lisa: I’d like to think there’s weeping across the country about it, but so far I haven’t gotten any letters of protest. ‘OK, she’s off the market, let’s move on. What’s Sarah Silverman doin’?’

Corey: You did another roast for David Hasselhoff. There seem to be these themes with other comics when they roast you. Has that changed now that you’re getting married?

Lisa: No, those freakin’ idiots. How can’t they know? Jimmy’s been on ‘TMZ’ with me, ‘Extra,’ on Howard Stern and still the comics can’t do their research and find out that I don’t like the blacks anymore. Not that I don’t like them, it’s just non-exclusive. Hopefully next year they’ll catch up and the jokes will be about Jimmy’s big balls and not me.

Corey: When you’re going into a situation like this do you think of jokes they might say about you, come up with some lines about yourself?

Lisa: With women comics, it falls into five categories: whore, fat, ugly, not funny and stupid. I always know which one’s they’re gonna hit me with. This was actually the first roast where every joke about me was hilarious. You can hear me laughing at every single joke about me. I felt like I was the star.

Corey: You weren’t the closer this time, right?

Lisa: No, I went first and it was much easier. I hope I can do it like that from now on.

Corey: Did you think of any good lines after the fact that you weren’t able to say?

Lisa: No, I’m used to preparing like 30 pages because I usually close and I have to cut out like 20 pages. I have so much material that I’m all tapped out. With this one, it was like, move on to the next thing. Screw Hasselhoff; who’s the next victim?

Corey: Have you noticed your demeanor changing as you step into this new phase of life? How much is it affecting your comedy?

Lisa: I’m still the disruptive bee-yotch I’ve always been. I think I take even more chances because now I have a built-in security guy who will kick everybody’s ass for me. I sometimes listen to tapes of my recent shows and am like, ‘Oh, my God. Did I really say that?’ Sadly, it’s gotten even worse.

Corey: Are you purposefully trying to be more outrageous because you don’t want to be seen as a housewife?

Lisa: No, I think it happens naturally. I don’t think you should try and be anything, because that comes across as phony. I go, wow, that is the next phase of getting a little more edgy and just keeping the edge on. I never notice myself backing off, which I’m really grateful for.

Corey: Do you think it has anything to do with the fact that you’ve gotten more well-known and people want you to be lashing out at them? Take it up a notch because they’re already expecting you to hit them?

Lisa: I never care what people think. I can perform in comedy clubs the rest of my life, so whatever. Now that I’m doing theatres for the past few years, that’s gonna be my audience and it’s a real gift, so I’m just gonna be myself. I don’t go ramping it up. I just be me because that’s who they paid to see, not just stumbling into a comedy club. You don’t really try to be edgy, but your own personality, unfortunately, can be spiteful.

Corey: What was the first thing that struck you about Jimmy that made you think he had a chance?

Lisa: He was really naturally funny. He doesn’t try to be funny. I’ve dated guys, ‘I’m really funny, too.’ And I’m like, ‘No you’re not, dude. You’re fuckin’ stupid.’ Jimmy’s funny without trying and really had me laughing. Also I’d dated bad boys for so long I really liked that he had real nice morals and character. He didn’t have a bad bone in his body. He’s not too difficult on the eyes—from what he says.

Corey: How would you describe his sense of humor?

Lisa: He can be corny and that makes me laugh. He’s more along the lines of outrageous. I’ll say, ‘That’s so funny, I’m gonna put that in my act.’ Basically I steal all his material and the audience benefits.

Corey: What’s one of the sweetest things he’s ever done for you?

Lisa: Oh, my God, I don’t even know. Oh, I know! He let me plan the whole wedding and kept his mouth shut about it. I’m the classy one as you can tell.

Corey: When did you think of the nickname for Jimmy?

Lisa: Actually, Howard Stern said it, so he was honored. ‘I used to be Jimmy Cano and now I’m Jimmy Big Balls, but when Howard gives you a nickname, you stick with it.’ Now he likes it. We just got a puppy and I was outside trying to make it shit outside for a change, and somebody yells, ‘Where’s Big Balls?’ Great, his dumb big nut sack is more famous than I am.

Corey: After the wedding, how soon are we going to be hearing the pitter patter of little feet in the Big Balls house?

Lisa: Never! Come on, let’s be honest, we’re both 49; our kid would be a retard. With this dog, if we don’t kill it, we may get another one, you never know.

Corey: You could do the Hollywood thing and adopt.

Lisa: How about the fact that we hate kids, does that count?

Corey: You could afford a nanny, so it could just be like a status thing.

Lisa: I think kids decrease your value. You know, Angelina Jolie, please stop adopting those niglets. We don’t need that no mo’!