Lead Me Not (36 page)

“It’s those downers. You need something to bring you up. Try this. Just get yourself together. I don’t need a damned junkie selling my shit. That’s a liability I do
not
want,” he growled, tossing a baggie of dried leaves in my lap.

I opened it and gave it a sniff. What was this? It didn’t smell like weed. Maybe it was some crazy hallucinogenic.

“It’s an herbal tea, dipshit. Ginkgo biloba, a little bit of ginseng. It’s good for the blood flow to the brain. Go home and make yourself a cup.”

I wanted to laugh my ass off at the irony. Gash, the biggest drug pusher this side of New York, was offering me a bag of herbal fucking tea.

I chanced a look at Marco, who was chewing the inside of his cheek as he also tried not to laugh at our boss peddling his hardcore herbal remedies.

“Sure, sounds great,” I said, tucking the bag in my pocket.

Gash pointed at me. “I’m serious, you have this weekend to show me you can still handle all of this. Because next week I’m getting a shipment of stuff up from Mexico that can make
everyone
a hell of a lot of money. I need to know you’ll do what I need you to do.”

Marco and I got to our feet. “You got it, Gash,” I promised.

“And drink some of that tea,” our boss instructed as we left. I patted my pocket in agreement.

Out in the parking lot, I wiped sweat off my forehead. I needed
to get home. I needed to even myself out. Fuck the tea.

“You got off pretty easy in there, Maxx. You need to listen to what Gash was telling you,” Marco lectured.

I rolled my eyes, sick of hearing the same ol’ shit.

It’s only when I’d gotten home and had taken another couple of pills that I remembered Aubrey. Before passing out, I wondered if she had come by. Maybe I should call her. Explain what had happened.

But then the high took over, and I forgot all about Aubrey.

I forgot about everything.

chapter

twenty-four

aubrey

i
was pissed.

No, I was
livid.

I had gone by Maxx’s apartment last night and pounded on the door. He hadn’t answered. So I had waited outside. In the freezing cold. For hours!

And he had never showed.

I had tried phoning him, but the call went straight to voice mail. I had been tempted to call back over and over again, but I had controlled the urge.

So now I was not only angry and hurt but also ready to inflict bodily harm the next time I saw him.

Our relationship was only weeks old, but already we were failing at it miserably. What chance did we have when I was mired in distrust and wariness? I knew that if he wasn’t with me, he was most likely doing something that would break my heart.

I knew he was being unfaithful.

But he wasn’t with another woman. He was spending all of his time with the tiny white pills he was so fond of.

I came out of the psychology building and pulled my hood up over my hair. It had started to snow while I was in class, and I wished I could appreciate the white silence that had descended. But I couldn’t. I was too wound up.

“Aubrey!”

My head snapped up to see Maxx hurrying across the quad, his book bag slung over his shoulder. His hair was wet from the falling snow, his curls plastered to his forehead. He was smiling a megawatt grin as he hurried toward me. I had been hoping to get off campus before seeing him. I should have known better. His knowledge of my schedule was disconcerting.

And to see him now, he looked like any other college student. But I knew what dwelled beneath the surface—an ugly darkness dressed up with his beautiful face.

I thought about ignoring him and walking away, but I knew he would only follow me. And I wasn’t going to try to outrun him across campus.

So I waited until he caught up with me.

He reached out to grab my hand, but I pulled back before he could touch me.

Maxx grimaced. “Right, I forgot where we were. Sorry,” he said, but his smile returned, brighter than ever.

“Are you done with classes for the day?” he asked, falling into step beside me.

I didn’t answer him, my irritation and frustration making communication impossible.

As the silence between us grew, Maxx’s smile slipped, and he frowned. He grabbed hold of my arm to stop me. “What’s wrong?” he asked, puzzled.

“I waited for you last night,” I told him coldly, narrowing my eyes.

Maxx hung his head. “Right. I knew you were coming by. I’m sorry,” he said. He lifted his eyes to look at me, his face a plea for me to forgive him.

“Where were you?” I asked, letting my annoyance bleed through.

“Marco came by. We had to go out for a bit,” he told me, giving a minimal explanation.

I could ask what they were doing, but I probably didn’t want to
know. And I doubt he would have told me anyway. His life at Compulsion was something we never talked about. It was the wall between us.

“Why didn’t you call me then? To at least tell me you wouldn’t be at home?” I asked, trying really hard to hold on to my irritation. It was hard when Maxx looked so contrite.

He began to gnaw on his bottom lip as drops of melting snow slid down his face. “I should have called you. I didn’t. I don’t have an excuse, at least none that would make you feel better. Just know that I’m sorry and that I’d rather be with you than anywhere else in the world,” he said, and for some reason, his lack of justification went a long way toward soothing my anger.

He wasn’t making excuses. He wasn’t trying to get himself out of trouble. He accepted that he had messed up, and he apologized. And, strangely, I appreciated that.

I let out a deep sigh, my shoulders dropping. “Just try to remember next time, all right?” I said. Maybe I was letting him off too easy. Perhaps I should make him feel even guiltier for standing me up. But what would be the point? Why prolong the unhappiness of us both?

“I will, I promise,” he swore, and I almost cringed.
I promise.
Why did it feel as though he was setting himself up to fail by uttering those words?

Maxx hoisted his book bag up higher on his shoulder, and his smile returned. “Can I take you somewhere?” he asked, his eyes sparkling with excitement.

I rubbed my hands together, trying to keep them warm. “You want to take me somewhere?” I asked him, raising my eyebrows.

Maxx chuckled. He chanced a look around before he reached out to cup the side of my face. “Somewhere special. Is that okay?” he asked, his thumb stroking my cheek.

I closed my eyes briefly, knowing I’d cave. “Fine,” I said.

Maxx’s grin was contagious, and I couldn’t stop my own smile from making an appearance. “Let’s go then,” he said, dropping his hand from my face and grabbing my hand, not caring who saw us.

He headed me toward the parking lot. He opened the passenger door of his car, letting me inside. My stomach fluttered every time he did that.

Once Maxx was inside, he started the car and cranked the heat. He took my hands between his and blew his warm breath over them. He kissed my fingers one at a time, smiling into my skin.

The snow was falling more heavily now; it was settling in a thick coating on the grass. So far the roads seemed to be okay, but I worried about how safe his car would be on the road.

“It looks like it’s getting pretty nasty out. Maybe we should do this another day,” I suggested, peering out my window.

Maxx shook his head. “No way. This is perfect weather for what I have in mind,” he enthused, wrapping a hand around mine as he maneuvered his car out of the parking lot.

“Why does that make me nervous?” I teased as Maxx pulled into traffic.

“Don’t be nervous. I’ll take care of you,” he stated with total sincerity. I really wanted to believe him. When he was like this, relaxed and carefree, it was easy to let myself trust him.

Maxx drove with little concern for the rapidly deteriorating weather conditions. The snow was coming down in heavy bands. “Maybe you should slow down,” I suggested, gasping as Maxx took a turn a little faster than I liked.

Maxx snorted. “I can tell you’re from the South. Aubrey, this is nothing. I’ve driven in worse weather than this,” he placated.

“Not with me, you haven’t,” I muttered, and Maxx laughed, though he did slow down considerably, much to my relief.

A few minutes later, he parked along a nondescript residential
street.

“Where are we?” I asked, surprised when Maxx got out of the car. He came around to my side and held the door open for me to get out. He tilted my chin up and softly kissed my mouth, cold, wet snow mixing with the heat of his lips.

“You’ll see,” he said, his eyes dancing. He went around to the trunk and popped it open.

“Put these on,” he said, handing me a clunky pair of black snow boots.

“No way will these fit me,” I scoffed, holding them up by their laces.

“Just tighten up the straps on the sides. They’ll be fine,” Maxx assured me, leaning down to put on his own pair of boots.

I did as he asked and took off my sneakers and handed them to Maxx, who tossed them into the trunk. I slid my feet into the boots, which were easily five sizes too big. I tightened the laces and buckled the straps on the sides as much as I was able to, though I knew I still looked ridiculous.

I put my hands on my hips and gave him an irritated scowl. “Are you going to explain why you’re having me dress like Bozo the Clown?” I asked.

Maxx handed me a thermos while he grabbed two final items from his car. He had obviously come prepared.

“Sleds?” I asked incredulously.

Maxx tucked the two red plastic sleds under his arm and smiled sweetly.

“Yep, these are sleds,” he teased.

He slammed the trunk closed and cocked his head in the direction of a wooded path between two houses. “Come on.”

I clomped after Maxx in the snow, which had already accumulated up to my ankles. Walking in Maxx’s boots slowed me down considerably, and he had to stop periodically to allow me to catch
up. He led me down a small lane that cut through a shaded group of trees.

I could hear laughing and yelling off in the distance. We broke through the trees to find ourselves at the back end of a subdivision. Behind the row of houses was a steep incline that ended at a soccer pitch at the bottom.

The place was teeming with kids. Obviously, the schools had been dismissed early because of the snow, and most of the local children had congregated at the most epic sledding hill I had ever seen.

“This is where you wanted to take me?” I asked Maxx, looking up at him in astonishment. By this point, I should have given up on being surprised by anything Maxx did. But I couldn’t reconcile the man I had come to know with the person standing beside me now, holding two children’s sleds and looking as ecstatic as the kids around him.

He shoved his hands in his pockets and took in the scene in front of him, a distant look in his eyes and a soft smile on his lips. “My mom used to bring me here on every snow day. It was something special that was just between us. She would let me sled down that hill until I couldn’t stand, and then she’d give me some hot chocolate and carry me back to the car.”

I didn’t say anything, not wanting to ruin this rare moment of transparency. Maxx pointed to an outcrop of stone at the bottom of the hill. “I broke my arm after I hit a rock down there.”

He laughed, and it was a sad and lonesome sound. “My mom freaked out. I got to ride in an ambulance, which for a nine-year-old was the coolest thing ever. So I didn’t think a lot about the fact that my bone was sticking out through my skin.”

His smile faded and twisted into a grimace. “I haven’t been here since I was ten,” he murmured, staring ahead, lost in his memories.

I felt my throat tighten and my eyes burn. I knew what he was
doing, even if he didn’t realize it. He was giving me a piece of himself, a part of him that belonged to a time before the drugs. Before the club. Before his life had derailed.

I took a deep, shuddering breath and tried to calm the erratic thump of my heart. How could I not lose my heart to the man who stood in front of me, giving me the most precious thing he had? His memories. His happiness. The parts of his life that were untainted.

Maxx blinked a few times as if reminding himself of where he was. He turned back to me, his lip quirking upward slightly. He took the thermos from my hands, set it down beneath a tree, and handed me one of the sleds. “It’ll be fun. I promise,” he said, pulling his beanie out of his back pocket and putting it on.

There were those words again.
I promise.

But this time, with his eyes sparkling and giddy, I actually believed him.

I rolled my eyes. “Sure, if I don’t break my neck first,” I deadpanned, and Maxx kissed the tip of my nose.

“Stop being so pessimistic,” he chastised, grabbing my hand and heading toward the crest of the hill.

I chewed on my bottom lip as I watched little kids zip down the hill, screaming the entire way. I could admit I was a bit of a wimp. Plus the incline was really steep, and I had already witnessed a few wipeouts.

“Yeah, I’m not so sure.” I hesitated as Maxx settled down on his sled. We were getting some strange looks from the children around us. I’m sure it was more than a little odd seeing a couple of adults playing in the snow alongside them.

Maxx looked up at me. “You’ve never been sledding before, have you?” he deduced.

I shook my head. I felt like an idiot. But we didn’t get a whole lot of snow in North Carolina. A few flakes and the world shut down. Half an inch closed school, but it had never been enough to sled in.

Maxx scooted back in his sled and patted the spot in front of him. “We’ll go down together,” he said.

“We’ll be too heavy. There’s no way that will work,” I reasoned.

“Actually, you go faster with more weight,” a little boy standing beside me piped up. I looked down at him and frowned.

“That’s not helping right now,” I told him.

The boy, who didn’t look a day over seven and was decked out in head-to-toe snow gear, rolled his eyes.

“Don’t be such a wimp,” he said.