Learning to Heal (28 page)

“Funny seeing you here.” My heart jumps out of my chest and I scream from the unfamiliar voice. “Shit! What the hell? You almost gave me a heart attack.” When I see Bo sitting beside me I start to laugh. Great way to switch emotional gears.

“Sorry. You looked so serious sitting here all alone. Thought I could make you laugh, and look...” he touches my cheek “...I succeeded.” He smiles and I notice a cute dimple on his cheek, but I still feel nothing for this good looking guy. Nadda. Zilch.

“Well, thank you but you really didn’t need to almost make me pee on myself to get me to smile. Just produce a chocolate bar and some beef jerky. You’ll see me smile while inhaling it. Lately I’ve been bringing David to shame.”

“Oh really! So a way to make you happy is to feed you? Hmmm …” He taps his chin while he thinks. I watch his strong profile work, begging for some kind of effect but I only feel like a weirdo for staring. And now I’m hungry. “Why don’t I take you out to get something to eat then? You can pick where and get whatever you want.”

Shocked, I squeak out, “Like a date?” He nods and I feel my heart stop. I’m taken aback that this good looking guy would want to take a girl who’s eight months pregnant out on a date. “Are you on drugs? Can you not see that I’m about to pop out a tiny human in a few weeks? Why on earth would a guy like you want that kind of baggage?” For some weird reason I feel pissed off at this guy. I hold up my hand before he can answer. “Is it because I’m pregnant that you think I’m an easy lay or some shit? Oh hell to the no on that! If you’re hoping to take a dive in this, you can forget it and take your cute dimpled face away from me because the Jazz party closed months ago.”

I stand up and start walking toward my car. What nerve some assholes have! But honestly I’m just lashing out at someone to get some of this anger out of my system. And I really need to keep Bo at a distance. Guys are bad news. When he starts to call my name I ignore it and keep walking. Then I hear a familiar laugh break through my inner ramblings. It causes my heart to hit my stomach and my feet to stop. Turning around I see him. Mason.

All the emotions I’ve tried to bury all these weeks come rushing back and the air leaves my lungs. He looks so happy. Smiling and laughing. I’ve missed that sound so much, and I want to be why he’s smiling again. When we make eye contact for the first time in over a month I feel like we just saw each other this morning. I feel like nothing has changed between us and we’re still best friends and lovers. His vanishes as his expression morphs from happiness to shock. Then a small smile starts to lift his lips and my feet want to go toward him to have him hold me and tell me it was all a lie. A bad dream. Then my nightmare becomes a reality again when I see her. A thin and tall beauty queen with her fiery red hair and long legs. She jumps on his back like it’s normal and wraps them around his waist while laughing. They look so happy it causes me to see red. He politely sets her down and starts to walk toward me, but I can’t deal with him being with someone else. Turning away, I start to speed walk away from him before he sees the tears and sees me break again like I didn’t want. Now, instead of picturing Chanda and him together, I get to picture him with someone else. Someone who’s a perfect beauty and actually good enough for him.

Feeling a sharp pain in my chest, I take a deep breath trying to calm down. I start to feel disoriented and lost so I shake my head trying to get myself in order. I need to get away. The dizziness won’t go away, though, and shaking my head only makes it worse. I feel sick and want to vomit so I try to cover my mouth with my hand but I can’t lift it. My body is heavy and weak all of a sudden and I’m scared. My heart rate continues to escalate and my head feels so heavy it’s hard to hold up. I’m terrified but unable to stop what’s happening to me. Everything is spinning so fast that I reach out to steady myself but nothing is there. Spots form and soon my vision fades in and out. I can barely make out faces hovering above me, all worried and screaming, but I can’t hear anything they’re saying. Only the sound of my heart beating at high-speed reaches my ears, only the sound of it breaking. Again.

The next thing I see when I open my eyes is a searing light that has my eyes screaming for relief, “Shit!” My throat is dry and scratchy. I’m positive from the heat coming out of my mouth that my breath is killer too. What the hell? My voice sounds like it did when I spoke for the first time a few weeks ago. I was just talking to … to … hell if I know. But I know I was definitely talking. I’ll worry about that later. First thing I need to do is find the friggin’ light switch and turn it off and then get some water.

I try to reach out but hear movement beside me. “Hold on, Jazz. Don’t move.” Tru’s voice is close and then I feel her touch on my hand. “I’m going to grab Jax and tell the doctor you’re awake.” She leaves and I feel the coldness of where her hand was just a moment ago. In fact my whole body feels cold and shaky.

What did she mean doctor? Then I hear the familiar beeping and some not so familiar scratching noises. Inhaling deep I smell the familiar scent of disinfectant and immediately know I’m in the hospital. Now I’m scared.

Slowly, I try to open my eyes again and after a few attempts I succeed. I see the ominous IV pole with its clear tube hooked up somewhere in my flesh and the heart monitor with its colorful wires leading to the horrible sticky pads that adhere to my chest. I hate those bastards. Out of all the painful things I’ve had to endure throughout my hospital visits, those things are what bother me the most. Have you ever had to pull them off? They’re like leaches to your sensitive skin and hurt like a bitch coming off.

I feel my heart pick up and the familiar burn in my throat. I’m scared and angry that I’m here. Again. After all the years of taking precautions and trying to avoid ending up here under these circumstances, I’ve failed. I’ve allowed my emotions to take over and almost lost not only my life but my daughter’s. Then I remember Finlee. Panic accompanies my anger and I reach over with all my strength and touch my still swollen belly. When her active movements set in I start to calm and take deep breaths to slow my heart rate. Whatever happened must not have been too bad if they didn’t take her, right?

The door opens and Jax rushes in with my parents on his tail. When he grabs my hand and kisses my cheek I see his lip is busted and swollen. “What happened?” Before anyone can answer we are interrupted when the door opens again.

I watch as an older nurse with grey hair and kind eyes walks in with a syringe full of something. “What’s that?”

“It’s just something to keep you relaxed while you’re awake. The doctor wants to try a different method instead of the previous way.” She cleans the valve on my IV tubing before she sticks the syringe in and presses the plunger. Immediately, I feel warmth start to spread up my arm. We wait for her to leave before Jax answers my previous question.

“Your oxygen level dropped very fast and you passed out. You were rushed here and quickly sedated and put on some much needed oxygen.” He moves to the foot of the bed so Mom can take the chair beside me.

“Um … thanks for the info, but I was actually asking about your lip.” Even though he’s just answered my next question, I exhale loudly. “No wonder I feel like shit. Oops!” I glance at my parents. Cussing in front of them is something I have always tried to avoid.

Mom just smiles and wipes her teary eyes. “You can say whatever you want. I’m just glad you’re awake. I’ve been so worried all week.”

“What?” My voice rises and my throat burns as the words push their way out. “Week? I’ve been here for a week?”

Dad sits on the foot of my bed wearing his serious expression. “They put you under and hooked you up to a ventilator in an effort to get your levels up and avoid delivery until the baby’s lungs are more developed. They’ve given you steroid shots and antibiotics are being provided through your IV. The doctors feel it’s best to do a cesarean tomorrow or the next day so they can go ahead and put the new valve in. Apparently the old one gave out and started leaking way more than usual so they’ve kept you calm with sedation but decided to wake you up and explain everything to you before we take you back to the OR. Also, you need to remember that after this new valve is in place, you need to continuously take medication to prevent a blood clot from forming.” He pats my leg and looks at me with the look of a reassured dad. “Everything will be fine. I know it’s against a doctor’s protocol to say that, but the team working on you and my granddaughter are very good, so I don’t want you worrying any more than you should.”

“Thanks, Daddy,” I whisper and feel relief. He winks but I still see the shimmer of tears in his eyes.

Soon the doctor and nurse come in and explain the procedure to me. It turns out that I will be getting a mechanical valve instead of a biological one like before. That’s why I’ll be on blood thinners daily. They also explain that I can have more children in the future, but I really need to plan the pregnancy appropriately so they can better care for me.
News flash, people. I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant.
 

Everyone kisses me goodbye and leaves, everyone but Tru. She’s sitting beside me biting her nails. “Are you okay? I know this has to be hard for you, but I promise anytime you want to keep Finlee you can. She is going to love you so much.”

Looking at me she smiles. “Promise. I can keep her some nights?” I nod my head and see her worry is still there. “Look. I need to talk to you and I really don’t want to do it now but you need to know how Jax got his busted lip.”

“Um, okay?” I push up with my elbows gingerly to sit straighter and wait.

“Someone is here and refuses to leave. Someone who explained everything to all of us. Someone who loves you so much he busted your brother’s lip when he tried to keep him away from you.” She takes a deep breath before she continues. “Mason has been by your side every day, Jazz. He hasn’t been home or to class. I’ve been forcing him to eat and drink to keep himself healthy. He refuses to leave the hospital or even this room until he knows you’re okay.”

The thought of him with the redhead has my inner bitch coming out. Even though the thought of him being here causes my insides to melt, I won’t admit it. I shrug and act like I really don’t give a shit. “Well I’m sure his new girlfriend won’t be too happy about that.”

“Well, Jazz, the thing is the girl who was with him that day is actually his sister.” I look at her like she’s lost her mind. “I know it’s crazy and hard to believe, but she is his sister. They have the exact same eyes.”

    “I don’t understand. How is it possible?”

Then she tells me of the day I fell apart. Apparently he fell apart too. His mom’s constant lies over the years piss me off and my heart breaks for the boy who grew up without a father who truly wanted him. My tears stop long enough to imagine me ripping out Chanda’s black evil heart for spreading lies when she has no idea what went on in my apartment that day. How that dickhead has threatened to take my child away and ruin my life. When Tru tells me about Symone and how she is so much like me, I feel happy again because he found his missing family, even though depressing circumstances are the reason that made it happen.

“Wow! Mason will never meet his dad. That is so sad.” I feel so bad for him and have an urge to hold him and make it better. He now has so many people that love him and want him in their lives. Little does he know that I want him in mine too.

I see her standing only one hundred feet away from me and my body ignites. Maybe it’s from nerves or excitement. At the moment I can’t tell, but I’m ready to find out if she’s willing to forgive me or not. After a few steps forward, I notice I’m still the same distance away from her as I was a moment ago. I try a second time but have the same result. Fuck! I feel frustration set in so I throw down my bag and start to run toward her. Running is something I never do, but I know I should be gaining some distance. I’m still in the same spot where I started. Turning in a circle, I run my hand through my hair while trying to figure out how to get to Jazz. Maybe she can come to me.