Learning to Love Again (10 page)

“Jason…” she whispered, pushing against his chest.  “Jason, I can’t!”

Groaning, Jason lifted off of her, grabbing his shirt off the floor and shrugging into it as he moved over to the window and stared out at the dark water below.

She was slower to sit up, but once she did, she hurried to restore order to her clothes.  Standing, she walked over to stand behind him.  Not knowing what else to do, she reached and touched his shoulder.  “I’m sorry…” she whispered.

He turned and took her in his arms.  “No, I’m sorry.  I promised you we would go as slow as you need to.  And I promised
myself
I wouldn’t put us in this situation.  It’s too damned uncomfortable.” He told her as he kissed the top of her bent head.  “We’re going to have to be careful from now on because much more of that and I’m not sure I’ll care about any promises I’ve made, to you or anyone else.”

They stood at the window for a few minutes, just holding each other, before he stepped back.  “I think I should take you home now.”  She nodded, retrieving her purse from the coffee table.  Following him out to the truck, she climbed in when he opened the door for her.  He looked over at her as he slid behind the steering wheel, noticing the stiff way she was holding herself and the tight features of her face.

“Hey.”  He reached over and turned her face to his.  “What’s wrong?”  She tried to turn her head away and he was even more alarmed when her eyes began to fill with tears.

“Nicole, honey, don’t cry.”  He slid across the seat and wrapped her in his arms.  “Talk to me, baby.”

“I can’t.  I’m too embarrassed.” She sniffed.  “Jesus Christ, I’m over thirty years old and I can’t get past my hang-ups and make love with the one man I’ve been fantasizing about and comparing every other man to for over ten years!”

He pulled away from her and stared down at her and she saw her own shock mirrored on his face.  “Oh my God, I can’t believe I just said that.”  Nicole gave a shaky laugh.  “So, here’s the part where you decide I am too neurotic and emotionally messed up, you start the engine, drive me home and then refuse to take my calls until I get the hint and stop calling.”

“As if,” he told her, claiming her mouth with his own.  “After a declaration like that, you aren’t going anywhere,” he opened his door, slid out and reached back in to pull her out.  “You’re staying with me tonight.”  He swung her up in his arms and strode back to his front door.  She hid her face against his neck, while he opened the door.  He carried her back to his bedroom and sat down on the bed, still holding her.  “I promise, even if it kills me, I won’t touch you until you ask me to.  But you are going to spend the night in my arms.”

Nicole released a soft sob and buried her face against his shoulder.  “Jason…”

“Hush.  It’s my turn.  You’re going to have to trust me, Nicole.  I am not looking for a one night stand with you.  I never was.  If all I wanted from you was sex, I could have had you on the couch out there less than thirty minutes ago.  And I sure as hell could have coaxed you into my bed ten years ago.”  He shifted her in his arms so that she was straddling his lap and facing him.  “For your information, I am in love with you and always have been.  I tried to move on, and if anyone had asked me, I would have said I was over you.  But when I wouldn’t marry Sara, I had to be honest with myself and admit I still loved you.  Hell, I took the job here just so I’d have a chance of seeing you if you ever came to town.”  He gave her a soft kiss.

“Now, you can borrow one of my t shirts and a pair of shorts if you want them.  I’m going to go back outside and make sure my truck is locked up and then we’re going to go to sleep before I forget my good intentions and take advantage of you.”  He set her on her feet and stood up.  He went over to his dresser and handed her the promised t shirt and shorts, pointed her in the direction of his bathroom and walked out closing the door behind him.

She scurried into the bathroom, and changed clothes as fast as she could before he came back into the room.  Looking in the mirror, she groaned at the damage her tears had caused to her makeup.  Spying towels and washcloths on a shelf next to the shower, she grabbed one and scrubbed her face clean.  She was just stepping out of the bathroom when he gave a soft knock on the door before opening it.

“I like it.”  He grinned at her, taking in the t shirt, which came almost to her knees.  With a shy smile, she handed over the shorts.

“I think the t shirt is long enough that I don’t need these,” she told him.  Standing in the doorway, she waited for him to make the next move.

“Go ahead and climb into bed.  I’ll go change.”  He touched her arm as she started to step away, stopping her.  When she tilted her head back to look at him, he leaned in and gave her a soft kiss.  “We’ll figure it out, baby.  I promise,” he whispered against her lips. Giving her a tender smile and a gentle push towards the bed, he moved towards the bathroom.

She was in bed with the covers pulled to her chin when he walked out of the bathroom a few minutes later, dressed only in the shorts she had handed him minus his shirt.

After turning the lights off, he climbed into the bed beside her.  He turned on his side and propped himself on his elbow.  Chuckling at her stiff posture, he reached over and traced the curve of her cheek with his finger, and then tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.  “I swear I won’t attack you in the night.  Are you going to be able to relax and go to sleep?”

“I’ve never slept with anyone before,” she whispered, turning her head to look at him.  “I don’t know…”

“Shh.  Turn on your side…no, the other way.”  He turned her so she was facing away from him.  Pulling her up against him, cradling her back to his front, he wrapped his arm around her waist.  Stretching out behind her, keeping his arm above the covers, but around her middle, he nuzzled her neck.  “Now, relax and go to sleep,” he whispered.

She slid one of her arms out from under the covers and grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze.  “Jason?”

“Hmm?”  His voice was husky with sleep.

“Thank you.”  She felt his lips move against her hair and he gave her hand a return squeeze.  She felt herself relaxing and within minutes she was sound asleep.

NICOLE WOKE UP EARLY THE NEXT MORNING, CONFUSED for a few brief seconds about where she was.  As the events of the previous night came rushing back to her, she became aware of Jason's arm around her.  They were still in the same position they had been in when she fell asleep, but during the night, his leg had inserted itself between hers, and the t shirt had ridden up to her waist.  Trying not to wake him, she turned over and watched him while he slept.

The sheet she had pulled up to her chin before he had climbed into the bed with her was pushed to his waist.  His breathing was still slow and even.  It felt so
right
to wake up in his bed with his arms around her.  She let herself think about how it would feel to wake up like this, every morning, feeling safe, secure.  Loved.  With some hesitation, she reached out and touched her finger to his lips.  It must have tickled him, because his lips twitched, but his breathing didn’t change.

Confident that he was still asleep and braver than she would have been had he been awake, she flattened her hand against his chest and ran her fingers through the mat of hair.  He shifted, pulling her closer against him, and she felt the stirrings of his erection against her thigh.  She moved against him, and kissed his throat.  His arm tightened around her, but still he didn’t wake up.  Growing bolder, she pressed a series of kisses down his throat to his chest, to the nipple hidden in his chest hair.

Remembering how she had felt the night before when he had put his mouth on hers, she pressed her lips to it, and felt it harden.  Pleased to know that she could evoke the same response from him that he’d gotten from her, she pressed her open mouth over his nipple and flicked it with her tongue.

And found herself flat on her back, Jason leaning over her with his weight between her legs, causing a new kind of ache to spread.

“Good morning,” he whispered his voice still husky with sleep.  Bending his head to capture her mouth, he grabbed her hands and held them down against the pillows on either side of her head.  “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I was just, um, experimenting,” she whispered between kisses.  She moved her hips, causing him to groan.

“Jesus, Cole.”  He let go of her hands to grab her hips in order to keep her from moving against him.  “I’m warning you right now…if you don’t stop, I’m not going to be able to.”  He tried to shift his hips away from her, but she hooked a leg around him to hold him still.  He looked into her eyes, and she smiled, as she wrapped her arms around his neck, urging his mouth back down to hers.  She ran her fingertips down his spine, and under the elastic band of the shorts.

“Cole…” Jason pulled his mouth away from hers, and grabbed the hem of her t shirt, his knuckles brushing against her stomach.  “Tell me to stop right now, or there’s no going back.”

“There’s no going back,” she whispered, lifting her head to spread kisses across his chest.  He yanked the t shirt up and over her head, throwing it to the floor, pressing her back into the mattress.  Kissing her throat, he worked his way down to her breasts.  Turning onto his side, he dragged her up against him, shoving her panties down her legs.  He eased his hand between her legs and touched her.   She clenched her thighs, her instincts telling her to fight the intrusion.

Murmuring to her, he again claimed her mouth with his, alternating soft, teasing kisses with deep ones, thrusting his tongue in and out, chasing hers.  She relaxed, allowing him to position her leg over his hip.  Feeling his finger easing back and forth, slowing moving inside of her, she felt the slickness as he readied her for what was next.  His other hand was shaping her breast, and his mouth alternated between giving her kisses, and suckling her.  She was moaning and begging him for release and still he pushed her higher.

She could feel his erection, through his shorts, pressing against her
there. 
She was going to go mad if he didn’t end the torment soon.  She worked her hands under the waistband of the shorts, and reached down to stroke his erection.  She gripped his hips and pulled him up against her.

“Please…Jason.”

“You started it.”  He chuckled, leaning back and looking into her eyes, his hand still between her legs, her hand still wrapped around him.

“I’m asking you to finish it,” she moaned as he again took her nipple into his mouth.

“Are you sure?” he asked one last time.

She nodded, shoving at his shorts.  Jason rolled off of her long enough to kick his shorts off and then he was back, moving over her.  He positioned himself between her thighs, and she wrapped her legs around him.  Groaning, he tried to control his entry, not wanting to thrust too deeply too fast, so as not to hurt her.

“Jason…”She groaned, needing him to go deeper.

“Easy, baby, I don’t want to hurt you.  Jesus, baby, you’re so tight,” he clenched his jaw as he pushed a little deeper, resisting the urge to bury himself inside of her.  She moaned, closing her eyes and willing her muscles to relax.  He reached between them and rolled her nipple between his fingers, bending his head to flick it with his tongue.  She pulled her legs up and wrapped them around his waist, and that was his undoing.  He covered her mouth with his own as he thrust deep.  He felt her stiffen under him, her hands coming up between them and flattening against his chest.  He forced himself to hold still, pushing himself up onto his elbows.

“Cole, baby, are you okay?” he pressed a soft kiss against her lips.

“Mm hmm.”  She opened her eyes and looked at him.  Her hands stroked his chest now, pulling him closer.  She rolled her hips, feeling her muscles stretch and tighten around him.  “I need…”

“I know, but I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have.”  He laid his forehead against hers.  “God, you are so tight.  Oh, god, baby.” He groaned as she moved her hips again.  “If you keep doing that, I’m going to come.”  He warned, thrusting with slow, shallow movements, trying to allow her body time to accept him.  As he felt her body relax and accept him, he began to move again, slow at first, and then faster, deeper.  She felt herself losing control, reaching toward some pinnacle, racing for it, and then hurtling over the edge.

“So, what brought that on?”  Jason asked some time later, laying on his back, Nicole sprawled across his chest.  He had his arms wrapped around her, stroking one hand up and down her spine.  Her fingers were teasing the hairs on his chest.

“I woke up and it just felt so right, being in your arms.  And I realized I didn’t want to keep living in the past with the 'might have beens'.  I wanted you to know I trust you, and I love you.”

Tightening his arms around her, he rolled, pinning her beneath him.  “It felt right, to me, too,” he told her, smoothing the hair back away from her face.  “I thought I was going to die of a heart attack when you started touching my chest.”

“You were asleep!”  Nicole pushed against him.  “Weren’t you?”

“Nope.  Not since you rolled over and started running your fingers over my lips.”  He grinned down at her.  “I didn’t want you to fly out of bed, embarrassed, so I pretended to be asleep.  I never knew you would go so far.”   Bending his head, he pressed a soft kiss to her lips, then leaned back and glanced down.  “Are you sore?”

“A little.”  She admitted, feeling heat rush to her face.

“Too sore?”  He moved against her, and she could feel him, not quite fully erect, but getting hard.

“Shoot me if I’m ever too sore for this.”  She reached up and pulled him back down to her.  He laughed, turning them again so that this time she was on top, straddling his hips, in control, and giving him full access to her breasts.  It was a long time before either of them could think clearly again.

“Oh, my God!”  Nicole moaned, sitting up on the side of the bed.

“Are you ok?  What’s wrong?  Is it your back?”  Jason stuck his head out from the bathroom, where he had just finished his shower, and watched her try to get out of bed.

“Two things, well, three actually.”  She pushed to her feet and walked towards him.  “First, I’m sore, not that I’m sorry, but…well, I’m sore.”  Laughing, he pulled her up against him and gave her a quick kiss.

“What are the other two things?” he asked, releasing her and stepping back over to the sink to shave.

“Jack, Mitch, and Carly are never going to shut up now.”  She met his eyes in the mirror, and then glanced away.  “And three: we didn’t use birth control.”  She waited a beat, and then looked back towards him.  He paused with the razor halfway to his face and met her eyes in the mirror.

“I see,” he turned back to the mirror to finish shaving.

Her heart pounding, not sure what to do or think, she leaned against the wall.  Grabbing a towel, he wiped the remnants of soap off his face before stepping over to stand in front of her and took her hands in his.  His thumbs rubbed over her knuckles, soothing her.

“Say something,” she whispered, searching his eyes.

“First, I’m sorry you’re sore, but you can take a warm bath after I drop you off at the house and that should help.  Second, let them, we can handle them, can’t we?  And third, I know, and I don’t care.  I love you and I plan to marry you,” he leaned in and kissed her.

“Marry?” she gasped.  “You still want to marry me?”

“Yup.  I want the whole enchilada.  You and me with a house in the country, a couple of kids, maybe some horses, and a dog,” he kissed her nose.  “But I am not going to pressure you.  I made some promises to you last night, and I intend to keep them.  But,” he added as he turned around to head for his closet to get dressed, “I am not going to promise to keep my hands to myself anymore, so unless you
do
want to get pregnant, we need to decide what we are going to do.  I can take care of it for the short term, but you might want to talk to your doctor.”

“You are my doctor.”  She reminded him with a smile.

“I meant your gynecologist.  I can recommend one here in town, if you want,” he chuckled, as he finished getting dressed.  He came back over and stood in front of her.  He paused as he tucked in his shirt.  “Where are you at in your cycle?”

She did some quick calculating in her head.  “I’m about a week away from my period starting, I think.”  She blushed, looking away from him.  “How…”  She swallowed hard and forced herself to look back at him.  “Have you ever, I mean…Oh God!” she groaned, feeling the heat radiating from her cheeks.

“Easy, honey,” he stepped over in front of her and put his hands on her shoulders.  “Unprotected sex is not something I do, as a rule.  There have been occasions, like this morning, but I swear I’m clean.”

“Thank you,” she sighed, laying her head on his chest.  “And just so you know, my one time, before this, I mean, I made sure he used a condom, too.”  His lips were on her hair.

“Now, you need to get dressed so I can take you home.  Do you want some clean shorts and a t shirt, or do you just want to put your dress back on?”  She opted for the shorts and a t shirt and he handed them over to her and then left her alone to get dressed.  She saw her reflection in the mirror, and couldn’t help smiling at herself.  There was a light in her eyes that hadn’t been there for a very long time, and after his comment, she was beginning to think ahead to the future she never had dared to let herself dream was even possible.