Learning to Love Again (8 page)

“You’ve already figured out my secret, haven’t you?  I saw the look you gave me when I turned down that coffee.”  Carly pushed her hair back out of her eyes.  “I’m thirteen weeks pregnant and everything is going well,” Carly admitted.  “Now, about you and Jason…” she prompted.

“We took a walk, and had a nice little talk…”

“You were hot and heavy back in college and now you’re picking up the pieces,” Carly supplied for her.

She stared at her friend in stunned silence for a minute and then started laughing.  “I guess that’s one way to summarize it.

Carly stretched her arms up above her head.  “So, give me the details!”

“There aren’t any details yet.  We’re going to try and take it slow.  I need to figure out what I want to do,” she told her.

“Try saying that without a blush and swollen lips,” Carly teased, and Nicole blushed even more as she raised a hand to her mouth to touch her lips, much to Carly’s amusement.  “So?

“So, we went for a walk and he kissed me.  And we’re going to continue talking and see where we go from here.”  She closed her eyes.  “And it scares me to death!”

“Not surprising since you had such a lousy example of love growing up.”  Carly reached over for her glass of water on the end table.

Nicole nodded.  “I know.  Mitch just gave me pretty much the same speech outside.”

“Smart man, that husband of mine.”  Carly grinned over at Nicole.  “Look, Nicole, neither of us wants to butt in where we are not wanted…” she paused as if collecting her thoughts. “We just want you to be happy, hon.  Whether you stay here or move somewhere else and continue your career, Mitch and I will always be there for you,” Carly stood up and folded the afghan and placed it over the back of the couch.  “I would love to sit up with you and list all of the pros and cons of both options, but being pregnant just sucks every last ounce of energy out of me.  I am going to bed.  But come tomorrow I am all ears!” Carly gave her shoulder a pat as she passed by, leaving Nicole alone with her thoughts.

Nicole sat in the living room, the only sound the ticking of the clock on the mantle.  The front door opened and closed and she heard Mitch’s heavy tread on the stairs.  So much information had been put out there tonight, she didn’t know what to think, or how to start processing it all.  Should she take this chance with Jason or continue to protect her heart?  God, she was so confused.  It was a hell of a lot easier when she just didn’t care and put all of her time and energy into her career.

The phone rang a few minutes later, jolting her out of her thoughts and she reached over and answered it.  “Williams’ residence.”

“Hi, baby,” Jason’s voice rose at the sound of hers.  “I was hoping you’d answer so I wouldn’t have to put up with Mitch and his jokes.”

“You’ll have to anyway.  I picked up the extension,” Mitch’s voice sounded over the wire, causing Nicole to gasp and Jason to chuckle.  She heard Carly’s soft voice in the background telling Mitch to be nice and hang up the phone.  “Don’t melt my phone with the heavy breathing.”  Mitch warned making his disconnect audible.

“Sorry about that,” Nicole whispered.  “I have a feeling he is going to pay me back for all of the torment I caused him when we were younger.”

“Why are you whispering?” Jason asked her, still chuckling.

“I don’t know.”  She moved out to the side porch and looked out at the stars again.  “Why did you call? Not that I’m not happy to hear your voice.  I mean… ” She groaned.  “Why do I feel like I’m sixteen again?”

“I just wanted to hear your voice again to make sure I hadn’t scared you off,” he told her, chuckling.

“I’m not running this time,” she promised closing her eyes against the rush of emotions the warmth in his voice caused her.

“I’m glad.  We have a lot we need to talk about and the phone is not how I want to do it.  How about I take you to dinner tomorrow night?  There’s a new steakhouse out by the interstate we could try.”

“It’s a date.”  She agreed.  “Jason…”

He waited a few seconds but she didn’t say anything else.  “Talk to me, honey.  Total honesty, remember?”

“Jason, I’m petrified!”  She admitted with a groan.  “What if—?”

“'What ifs' are what got us here to begin with, baby,” he interrupted her.  “All I am asking for is a date for tomorrow night.  A little dinner, a little conversation.  That’s all.  Okay?”

She released the breath she’d been holding.  “Okay.  Are you sure you can put up with me and my hang-ups?”

“I am only asking for the opportunity to give it a shot,” he told her with a chuckle.  “Listen, babe, I have to be at the hospital early tomorrow for rounds.  Take care of yourself and I will see you tomorrow night.”

They hung up and she moved back inside and returned the phone to its cradle.  She stepped out into the hallway and ran into Mitch.

“You into eavesdropping now?  I thought you were upstairs.”

“I was.  Carly forgot her water.”  He held up the glass in his hand.  “I trust my phone is still operational?" he asked grinning at her obvious embarrassment.

“Yes, he just called to ask me to dinner tomorrow night.”  She stuck her tongue out.  “You promised to be nice.”

“I promised to not butt in, I never promised to be nice.  That’s too much of a stretch!”  Mitch tossed.

Laughing, she went into her bedroom and got ready for bed.  Climbing under the covers, her thoughts drifted once again to her past.  After the murder-suicide of her parents, she'd become withdrawn.  She left the ranch to go to school, or when her aunt and uncle insisted.  That was it.  Four years of high school were completed in three.  College had been her chance to get away from Waketon and her past.  No one in Austin knew her or what her father had done.  She'd wanted it kept that way.

And then Mitch had introduced her to Jason, and she'd started to wonder if maybe, just maybe, her mother had it all wrong.

“Never trust a man.  He will steal your identity, make you settle down, start a family when you don’t want to.  Marriage is a death sentence, Nicole.  Don’t ever fall into that trap.”  Those were the lessons her mother drummed into her, the legacy she’d left her.

But Jason had pushed past the walls she had built up.  He had never laughed at her inexperience.  The few times she had swallowed her fears about sex and allowed things to progress beyond just kissing, he had been gentle and encouraging, not taking any more from her than she'd been willing to give.  But she couldn’t let down that final wall.  Convinced at the time that Jason was not that into her, she’d held back, thinking he was just after getting laid.  It had never occurred to her that he may have talked to Mitch and had insight into her upbringing.

But now she did know, she thought to herself, a soft smile on her lips, thinking of their walk.  Her stomach still had the butterfly feeling going on from that kiss.  Amazing how one simple decision to listen to her heart could change everything.

And now, she and Jason were getting a second chance.  With any luck, this time she was going to get that 'happily ever after'- ending all those bedtime stories from childhood promised, she told herself as she snuggled down deeper under her covers.  She still had to face the fear she had of disappointing him if they did make it as far as having sex together.  God only knew what other hang ups of hers were going to rear back up.  She still needed to tell him that although she was no longer a virgin, she might as well be. They'd sworn to be honest with each other.  But that was one conversation she was not looking forward to having with him.  She was pretty sure she was going to die from embarrassment.  On the spot.  Immediately.  She groaned, pulled a pillow over her head and prayed for sleep.  Or suffocation.

NERVOUS AND ANTSY, NICOLE CHECKED HER REFLECTION in the mirror as Carly reclined on the bed in her room.  Nicole smoothed her hand over her stomach again, praying to every god she could think of that she wouldn’t throw-up.  She was going to be alone with Jason.  On a date.  Swallowing hard, she met Carly's eyes in the mirror.

“Are you sure…?”  Nicole was still self-conscious of the visible scars on her legs, even though she knew the dress covered them.  At least for therapy appointments, she could wear her baggy sweatpants to cover everything.  “Maybe I should change back into that other one?”  Her hand reached for the buttons on the bodice of her dress.

“Don’t you dare!  You’ve already changed your mind ten times, and I’m telling you, that dress is perfect!" Carly pushed herself off the bed and came over to stand beside her, reaching up to tuck a stray strand of hair back into place.  "Jason is not going to be able to take his eyes off of you, not to mention his hands.  Trust me.  Have I ever steered you wrong before…about clothes, I mean?  Now quit acting like a teen on prom night,” she handed Nicole her purse and pushed her towards the bedroom door.  “And go out to the living room and wait for your man.  He will be here in a few minutes.”

Nicole took a deep breath and squared her shoulders, attempting to settle the butterflies that were insisting on taking flight in her stomach.

“Hey, you clean up nice!”  Mitch offered up as they entered the living room, joining him and Jack.  “So where’s Jason taking you?”

“He said something about a new steakhouse.” Nicole sat down on the sofa, but within seconds was up and pacing.

“You trying to work up an appetite or something?" Jack chuckled, watching her.

“What?” Nicole turned around and looked at him.

“That endless pacing you’re doing,” Mitch indicated with a wave of his hand.  “Sit down and relax for a few minutes.  Do you need a drink?”

“No, thanks.”

“I was talking to Jack,” Mitch teased handing his other cousin a beer.

“Quit teasing her, boys.”  Carly swatted at her husband’s arm as she moved by him to sit next to her.  “Ignore them, Nicole.”

“I’m trying.  What time is it?”  She twisted her head to look at the clock just as she heard Jason’s truck pulling up outside.  “He’s here.”  Feeling helpless, she looked at her friend as Mitch and Jack started chuckling again.  Mitch got to his feet and went to greet Jason.

“Relax, Nicole.  It's just a dinner with an old friend.”  Jack leaned forward, snagging her hand and tugging her around to look at him.  “You'll be fine.”  He gave her a wink as Mitch and Jason stepped into the room.

“Hi, everyone,” Jason greeted them but his eyes were already on Nicole.  “You look great,” he told her, stepping over and giving her a soft kiss.

“Told you.”  Carly leaned over and whispered for Nicole’s ears alone.

“Have time for a drink?” Mitch asked, as he reclaimed his seat and his beer.  “Jack and I were just going over some of the stuff we need to tell Dad when he and Mom come home on Sunday.”

Jason looked at Nicole, but she shook her head.  “No, we should just go ahead and get going,” he helped her to her feet and tucked her hand in his and started to lead her out.

“You two have a good time,” Carly told them.

“Have her home by midnight,” Mitch called after them.

“Before she turns back into a pumpkin!” Jack put in.

Nicole gave him a look that could kill and held up her hand in a one-finger salute.  Jason squeezed the hand he was holding and led her outside to his truck and helped her in.  “You do look great.  Is it ok if I kiss you in front of them?” he asked pausing before he shut the door.

“Who?”

“Your family.  I’m sure they’re watching out the windows.”  He leaned over and gave her a soft kiss before moving back and shutting the door with a wink.  He went around the front of the truck and opened his door and got in behind the wheel.  “How’s your back feeling tonight?”

“It’s okay.  I made sure I did all of my stretching exercises and I took a couple of short walks today to try and keep things loose.  As long as I remember to stretch and move around as much as possible during the day, it doesn’t bother me that much,” she assured him as he started the engine and drove away from the house.

“That’s good to know.  I know Amy has been pleased with your progress, and based on what I’ve been seeing, so am I.  What else did you do today?”  He slowed down as he approached the main road, checking the traffic in both directions.

“Not a whole lot.  I was so bored, I offered to look over herd records for Mitch and input them into the computer for him.  Now
that’s
fascinating information, let me tell you,” she replied with enough sarcasm in her tone to get a chuckle out of him.  “How was your day?”

“Good.  I had to attend morning rounds at the hospital, but it was a relatively slow day, so I was able to get a lot of my paperwork done,” he reached over to take her hand, lacing his fingers with hers.  “And I spent a lot of time thinking about you.”

“Really?  All good things, I hope.”  She looked over at him, and he flashed her one of his devastating grins, the warm look in his eyes causing her to blush.  It occurred to her how insincere she’d just sounded.  “That’s sweet.  I’ve thought about you a lot today, too,” she admitted, fighting through the shyness to maintain her smile.  “Mitch and Jack were having fun teasing me before you got there, and Carly said I reminded her of a teenager on Prom Night, because of how nervous I was.”

“Why are you so nervous?  It’s just me, remember?”  He gave her hand a squeeze as he drove towards town.

“It’s
because
it’s you,” she admitted.  “I haven’t felt like this in over ten years.  One of the reasons my back was bothering me last night was because I was so stressed about seeing you again.  I wasn’t sure how you were going to treat me.  Plus, I had already decided I was going to try and talk to you alone,” she tried to explain.

He glanced over at her and smiled.  “That is some pretty powerful ammunition you’re giving me,” he warned her as he steered into the parking lot of the steakhouse.  He cut off the engine and turned towards her.  “Listen, Cole —” he slipped back into the nickname he had called her before—“I promise we will go as slow as you need to this time.  As slow as you need to, but you need to promise me you will be honest and let me know what you are feeling.”  He reached over and stroked a finger down her cheek.  “I let you get away once.  I am not sure I can do it again.”

“I’m not sure I want to get away this time.  I’ve seen the outside world.  It's not for me,” she told him, her heart racing at just that tender caress.

Their gazes held for a few seconds before he opened his door, sliding out.  He studied her for a few more seconds before he opened his door and slid out.  Coming around to her side, he helped her down from the cab and led the way inside.  The hostess seated them in a secluded corner, handed over the menus and listed the specials.  Using the time Jason's attention was on the hostess, Nicole attempted to get her heart rate back under control.

They made small talk until after they placed their orders and were waiting for the appetizers to arrive.  “So, up until yesterday, I thought I knew all about you, but you threw a couple of curve balls at me last night.  I want to know more about your childhood.”  He reached over and took her hand rubbing his thumb over her knuckles.

“It wasn’t all sunshine and roses.”  She felt him give her fingers a squeeze, as if to encourage her.  She took a deep breath and continued.  “I’m planning to ask Aunt Helen some questions when she and Uncle Steve get back, see if she can help me figure some of this out.  I know she and my mom weren’t close and I know their dad walked out when Mom was pretty young.  Mom didn't talk much about it, though.  My own educated guess is that she was jealous of Aunt Helen and Uncle Steve and thought that money would buy happiness," her free hand played with her place setting.  "I can't remember a time when they weren't fighting over something.  Mom always wanted to go shopping or take lavish vacations.  Daddy always said 'No'.  The police think she was trying to leave him the night they died," she shook her head and raised her eyes to his.  Expecting to see pity, she was surprised to see nothing but compassion.  Wondering if the gossips in town had told him yet about her parents and how they died, she broke eye contact.  Knowing she needed to tell him and telling him were two different things.  She couldn't do it yet.

“After they died, I let Uncle Steve make most of the decisions for me about my ranch, and he invested the money for me.  A chunk of my inheritance went towards my education, and the rest of it was invested.  I make a good living now, so it’s just been sitting there, earning interest for me.  It’s funny—in a really sad, depressing way— but in their deaths I got the financial freedom she always wanted for herself.”

“So, you decided to head for Austin and UT, where you met me, and then you graduated and left the state.  Fill me in on what's happened since then,” he invited, his thumb still stroking over her knuckles.

“It’s pretty boring.”  She warned him taking a sip of her wine to fortify herself.  “I moved to San Diego with the law firm and started learning the ins and outs of big time contract and business law.  I traveled extensively all over the country.  I would fly from San Diego on Sunday afternoon to New York, back to San Diego on Tuesday, out Wednesday morning to North Carolina, back to California by Friday, and back out somewhere else by Sunday again.  That was my life, even after I moved back to Austin.  Its why, even before my accident, I had decided it was time to take stock and reevaluate my life.  I want to find something else that interests me.”  She leaned back when the waiter appeared with their appetizers.

“Like what?”  He gave her fingers a squeeze before letting go to pick up his fork to start to eat.

“I don’t know.  There’s got to be something out there for me somewhere.  To be honest, I haven’t thought about it that much.  I just don’t want to do the endless travel anymore, always living out of suitcases.”  She shrugged her shoulders and gave him a brief smile.  “So, now I’m here and I’ve got no immediate plans for the future.”

“How fortuitous for me.”  He grinned at her.  “That gives me plenty of time to convince you to stay in Waketon.”

She smiled back at him.  “Now, it’s your turn.  Tell me about yourself.”

“Oh, my story is even more boring than yours.  I finished up my residency in Austin, spent some time back in Houston and Galveston, and then got the job here in Waketon.  Mitch and I have been best friends since we met and it made sense to move here when the opportunity arose.  My only family to speak of is a much younger half-sister who currently lives out of the country, with her loser boyfriend and his band,” he explained as he leaned back to allow the server to switch out their appetizers for their dinner plates.  “Are we going to gloss over our personal lives?”

“I was going to, yes,” she told him, taking another sip of the wine.

“Honesty, remember?”  He took a drink of his own wine, tipping his glass towards her.

“That was being honest,” she pointed out with a smirk, but at his raised eyebrow, she gave in with a slight laugh.  “OK, well then, honestly, I want you to go first this time.”  She leaned back in her chair as the server placed her dinner in front of her.  He waited while they cut into their steaks to check that they were cooked to their satisfaction, refilled Nicole’s wine glass, and then faded away.

“I wasn’t a monk, Cole," he told her.  “The way you left, the way
we
left things, hell, I never expected you to return here and I never expected us to give it another try.”

“I don’t think I would have expected you to be a monk, any more than you expected me to be a nun.  Like you said, I left and I hadn’t planned on coming back,” she agreed, keeping her voice low.  “So, you’ve had girlfriends…” she prompted.

“So, I’ve had a few girlfriends and one serious relationship in the last ten years.”  He paused to take a few bites of food.

“How serious?” she asked him feeling a few faint jabs of jealousy.

“She and I lived together for a couple of years.  She broke it off when I wouldn’t propose to her.”

“Why wouldn’t you propose?  You must have loved her, you were living with her.  And I know how much you wanted to get married," she reminded him.  She wondered if he could see the jealousy in her eyes. 
How can I be jealous?  I pushed him away, refused to deal with the issues.  I don't have the right to be jealous.
  She cast a couple of glances towards him from under her eyelashes as they ate in silence.  He seemed lost in thought.