Left to Love (The Next Door Boys) (21 page)

“I know.” It was the best thing to know.

EIGHTEEN

Fifth of Twelve

The one just before Christmas

“Hey Leigh, check it out.” Brian pulled his dog tags out. “We’re almost halfway.” He slid the bracket up another notch.

I tried to smile at him.
Not quite halfway
? Exhaustion filled me. How on earth would ‘almost halfway’ make me feel better? Especially with how terrible I already felt?
             

Andy and I both sat at the hospital on December twenty second, three days before Christmas. We shared a room, both in beds. Both wishing we were somewhere else. Anywhere else.

“Christmas should be fun this year.” She looked over at me between the railings.

“A blast.” I wanted time to speed up so it could all be over. I’d written my letters, but it was hard not to make them sound like goodbye letters.

“You guys have plans?” she asked.

“My parents insist on coming up. They’re going to spend most of the day with my brother and his wife’s parents, but Christmas morning is all at my house. It’s only a few days away. I can’t imagine feeling that great.”

“We’re going to my parents. They’ve invited everyone. It already feels like a goodbye party, and I haven’t even gone yet.”

“You could always take your own advice and sleep through the day,” I suggested.

She smiled. “I probably will. Shoot, I’m stuck in here tomorrow too, that gives me two days to recoup. There’s no
way
I’m going to feel like playing nice by then.”

“You crack me up, Andy. I’m sure it won’t be that bad.”

“No, no, I’m sure it will.” She smiled back over at me. “Yours doesn’t sound too bad. Remember that it could be worse.”

“It can always be worse,” I said back.

“Well, that’s mostly true.”

We lay together pretty quiet for the whole day. We turned on the hallmark channel, watched sappy movies, and tried to ignore what we were both fighting, how tired it all felt, and that we were supposed to be celebrating in three days.

- - -

Christmas Eve came and I felt worse than I’d felt yet. Nothing I tried could force the nausea away and help me get to sleep. All day I was hot and cold and throwing up. No position helped. Nothing helped. Nathan stayed with Mom and Dad at Jaron and Megan’s house since I’d gotten home from my treatment. Brian tried to stay calm, but he’d threatened hospital several times. I’d thrown up everything.

I gave up trying to be anywhere but the bathroom. I lay down on the cool floor. I’d missed the toilet once or twice so Brian brought me a bowl. I was so sick of looking at the inside of this bowl. It was going in the garbage can as soon as it wasn’t needed
anymore. Maybe sooner. Brian sat with me for a while, but it was more exhausting having him there than just lying alone on the floor. I threw up less by myself.

Brian walked in with what felt like the tenth cold washcloth in an hour. “Is there
anything
I can do?” he asked as he sat down next to my feet. My head nearly touched the bathtub. I lay in the shadow of the toilet, my feet stretching out into the hallway.

I shook my head. “I’ve taken a sleeping pill but can’t sleep, I’ve taken my Zofran, but my body still wants to throw up. There’s nothing left.”

“Let me get you a blanket or something.”

I didn’t respond, knowing he would. He was back in minutes and gently laid the blanket up to my waist. He knew I didn’t like the heat on the core part of my body when I felt this sick.

“I’m going to have your mom come over for a few,” Brian said. “I have to pee,” he tried to tease, but I didn’t have the energy to respond. “I just want to spend a little time with Nathan, that’s all.”

“That’s fine,” I whispered. My throat hurt. I stayed low and didn’t open my eyes. Missing my first Christmas Eve with Nathan stung. Brian waited until Mom came through the front door before he walked out.  I could hear their footsteps and quiet murmurs.

“Hey, Leigh.” My mom’s voice came from the hallway. “Hot or cold?”

“Hot.” She didn’t say anything else and handed me a hot washcloth. I let it lay on my head. I hadn’t moved and hadn’t opened my eyes.

“Don’t move, don’t say anything,” she started.

“You can listen to me talk or you can ignore me. Just
tell me if my talking bothers you, and I’ll find a book to read.”

“Okay.” I didn’t move. I didn’t open my eyes. I kept my face on the cool floor and my arm around my stupid, stupid bowl.

“It’s just a little after dinner time.” I got it now. She was goi
ng to tell me about their night
to distract me. It was Mom. She didn’t need anything from me. I heard her sit down in the hallway. “Nathan helped me all afternoon in the kitchen. Yours is much better equipped than Megan’s, but you’re a much better cook than Megan.”

I smiled.

“She does just fine, but you cook like me.”
Mom’s tone was proud.
“So, Nathan helped me roll out pies. I let him design the tops of them. You would be amazed at the designs that kid came up with.”

I was sure I’d be impressed.

“He’s such a wonderful little boy. So much like his father.” She paused for a moment. “So, Nathan’s been a big help. Jaron is so in love with that Megan, they’ll be happy together. They’re both such hard workers.” She chuckled softly. “It’s somehow different with them than it is with you and Brian. Less passionate or something.”

I nearly blushed at that comment.

“I think it has to do with the depth of the experiences that both you and Brian have had. I’m not sure. I love watching you two together. It makes me feel happy that you have something so special.”

I heard her shift around on her spot on the
floor. “Anyway, I’m actually a little nervous about spending part of the day with Megan’s family tomorrow. We’ve only met them a couple of times you know?”

She was quiet for a moment. “I know this isn’t the easiest time to have all of this going on.” She paused again. “Next year will be better. I’m glad that even though your relationship with Brian and Nathan was different last year, that you’ll have that memory of your first Christmas together and not this one. This
one sucks.” She laughed again.

That didn’t sound like my mother.

“I want you to know how proud I am of you, Leigh. It’s hard not being the one here all the time, but I can’t imagine leaving you in more capable hands.”

I loved that my parents loved Brian the way they did.

“And now that I’m looking ahead to tomorrow and Megan’s parents, it’s kind of odd to think of Jaron’s relationship to them. It makes me glad that your father and I have the relationship that we do with Brian, and that he doesn’t have nearly perfect parents to compete for time with you guys. Not that it’s an
actual
competition.” I could hear her smile. “I’m just selfishly happy that we’re all you two have.”

I smiled again. It was always nice to hear your parents say something that didn’t make you feel like they w
ere hopelessly more perfect
than you.

“
I want so much for you.” She breathed out slowly. “You have to have some understanding now of how much I want to take this from you. How much I
wish you weren’t doing this again.” She stopped again, and when she started, her voice sounded different, lighter. “Well. You don’t want to hear that. I wanted to say that I’m happy for the idea that you and your father had, about the letters. I think it’s probably been a good exercise for all of us. I wish I would’ve thought of it a little sooner. Think of all the Christmas letters we could have had from one another.”

I could practically
hear the wheels turning.

“Think of all the Christmas letters we’ll have if we keep doing this.”

“Thanks, Lila.”
Brian’s voice again, just after the front door closed behind him.

“Hot or cold, honey?” Mom asked.

“Cold,” I whispered. I realized I hadn’t thrown up since she’d gotten here. That was a good sign. My medicine was finally kicking in. “Thank you, Mom.”

“Yep.” She squeezed my foot, which stuck just outside the door. “Give your boy a hug?” Mom asked Brian.

“Yeah,” Brian answered. “Thank you.”

“Love you, Leigh,” Mom said.

“Love you, Mom,” I whispered. “Thanks.”

Brian walked her to the door. They spoke, but I didn’t hear the words.

“It sounds like things might be looking up for you,” Brian said as he came back to the bathroom. “What about to eat? Maybe something sounds good to your stomach?”

“Please don’t mention food right now.” I let my eyes open to see his face and his sweet half-smile
as he looked
down on me.

“What about…” I held my hand up and he paused briefly. As soon as I let my hand down he finished. “… A shake?”

I thought about that for a moment. I could almost feel the cool soothing liquid on my sore throat. It actually did sound good. I hadn’t thrown up in a while. I was starting to feel like the horrible way I’d been feeling may not last forever.

He smiled. “I found it didn’t I? Something you could eat?”

I nodded.

“I’m sure everywhere is closed, but I think we have what we need here.”

Brian disappeared for a few minutes, and I took the opportunity to be alone. I wasn’t alone often. I let my body completely relax, almost. It felt like if I completely relaxed, my body would start protestin
g again, and I couldn’t imagine
throwing up one more time.

Brian sat down on the floor next to me. He knew if I wanted to move that I’d ask. ”Straw or spoon?”

“Straw.” I propped my head up on the towel I’d turned into a pillow. The thick shake felt just like I imagined it would. I closed my eyes, and then really did relax. I stopped and waited for my body to protest but it didn’t. “Thank you. This is really good.”

I caught his eyes with mine and he smiled. “You look better.”

I nodded and took another sip. “Probably because for the first time today, I’m not throwing up
into a bowl.”

“I’m sure that has something to do with it,” he agreed. “Let me move you out to the couch for a minute. I’ll clean up the bathroom, change sheets and pillow cases. I’ll help yo
u get dressed in fresh pajamas
, and you can come back and sleep well. Do you think you can move?”