Legacy (Endlessly Book 2) (13 page)

1
8 bottomless pit

I woke up groping for Verloren to find that he wasn’t there. The tidal wave of fresh memory washed over me, then receded, leaving a barren land of pain. I stared at the wall, wondering why I still existed.

I felt like a shell protecting nothing. I couldn’t wrap my mind around a single coherent thought. I wrapped my arm around Verloren’s pillow and pulled it close. I inhaled whatever might be left of him.

Someone moved. Jason was somewhere near, carrying a mindful of worries.

I didn’t care.

Never again would I know his loving touch. I would never hear his soothing voice, or feel the touch of his lips on mine. The only object of my love was the empty space where he would have been.

I touched the rock on the leather cord around my neck.
Why am I still here when he’s not?
The two of us together created one entity. That was gone, so why didn’t I disintegrate? Isn’t that how it happened in the movies? You kill the head vampire and that annihilates all of that being’s creations. And wasn’t I, the vampire-dragon, his creation?

I blinked rapidly trying to fight off tears. If I cried again, would I ever be able to stop?

Jason waited for me to do something.
What does he expect?
I wondered.
I want to die but he won’t let me. I have no plan. I just want to lie in our bed and waste away.

At some point I noticed
I was washed and in pajamas.

“I cleaned you up and changed you,” Jason said. “You were pretty dirty.” He thought of my nude body and blushed. For the first time my cheeks didn’t tingle at such a thought. I wasn’t embarrassed, I was indifferent.

Jason went out and returned carrying a steel container. He set it on the night table and plopped down in the chair by the bed. I rolled over and closed my eyes. Sleep was my only escape.

When I woke again whispers filled the air, but I didn’t listen. I didn’t have to. I knew what they were saying.

I tried to get up, but got no further than sitting on the edge of the bed. It was a chore just to breathe. I listened to nothing in particular. Time meant nothing.

Jason whispered
to someone as they entered the apartment: “I have to warn you, she isn’t putting up any wall. You’ll feel what she’s feeling and it’s shitty. Like there’s nothing left in the world.”

“Jesus,” Lex gasped. “I can feel it from here.”

“It only gets worse when you get near her,” Jason said.

I heard them cross the living room. I saw the door open, but couldn’t bring myself to raise my head.

Lex slipped in, followed by Jason.

“Ash?” Her voice was gentle and cautious as if words might break me.

I closed my eyes. The thought of someone else’s pity was horrifying. I would have rather stared at the sun for the rest of eternity. Lex’s mind reflected my emptiness. I pulled the covers over me and stared at the wall.

Lex saw the untouched container. “She hasn’t eaten?”

Jason shook his head. He knelt down, pushed the hair away from my eyes, and whispered: “Ash, are you hungry?”

I couldn’t make my mouth move, but Jason knew what I wanted: to be left alone.

He stood and ushered Lex out.

I don’t know how frequent Jason’s visits were. I didn’t fight him when he carried me to the bathtub and washed me. I only growled at him briefly in a moment when he thought about removing my necklace. But I was no help. He might as well have been caring for someone in a coma. He would bring food and wait for me to take it. I never did.

I asked for Ed once, but Aubrey had taken the cat home with her. Looking back on it, I’m surprised I could even think about another living creature. I suppose I just wanted something warm beside me.

Finally Hania came for a visit. He had no inhibitions about sitting right down on the bed. With anyone else I would have snapped. I hadn’t allowed anyone to sit directly on our bed, and anyone else might’ve unleashed the monster in me. But Hania still meant something to me.

“Ashley,” Hania’s old raspy voice cut through my vague dreams. “You have to eat.”

Jason fidgeted by the door, hiding a steel container.

“You’re extremely thin,” Hania continued. “If you don’t start eating soon, you will die. Jason has decided that if you refuse today he will use force.”

I glared at Jason, then suddenly wondered how long it had been since I had really seen his face. Worry lines and pallor had become permanent features. He looked older, sadder, yet strangely determined.

Jason met my glare. “I promised Verloren that I would take care of you.”

I gasped at the mention of the name. I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. Tightness gripped my chest.

He moved quickly across the room. Towering over me, Jason said: “I won’t betray his memory by breaking that promise.” His words were like slaps.

A hoarse sob welled up in me and broke free. Jason thrust the container at me. In his eyes I saw that he was serious; he would fight to make me eat, even if it killed him.

His voice softened, “Please. I can’t watch you kill yourself.”

I tried to sit up, but didn’t have the strength. I looked at my arm. It was so thin I could circle and grasp it with my thumb and fingers with plenty of room to spare.

Jason sat on the bed beside Hania, and I shook. I gave him a venomous look. He huffed at me, then ignored my hostility. Hania’s presence forced me to tolerate this. Jason helped me sit up, then he leaned me against his chest and held the container to feed me. I drank eagerly. I had forgotten what it was to eat as a vampire. Blood awakened parts of my brain and body that had lain dormant.

How long had it been since I last ate? How long had it been since Verloren… I stopped the thought.

“A month,” Hania answered my unspoken question.

Jason pulled the empty container from my lips. I hadn’t realized that Hania’s rough warm hand was clasping mine. He had been reading me. He released my hand.

“So it’s true. You tried to take Fabi’s life.” He looked at me and his eyes fell on the rock necklace for a long moment.

I thought about the waterfall. The memory was exquisite and painful. Jason’s body jerked as my pain ebbed. I allowed Jason access to the memory. Now everyone would know. I didn’t care.

“Be cautious with that power,” Hania said. “It’s triggered by emotions. I’m sorry you had to learn that in such a trying time. Had you been happy, you would have been able to give life like Fabi. Once you have made the decision to give or take, it is final.”

The thought was crushing: I could have saved Verloren with my own hands had I simply grasped a happy memory.

“So I shouldn’t let her touch me when she’s pissed?” Jason asked Hania.

Hania nodded. Before Hania left, Jason eased me down onto my back. I fell asleep and dreamt for the first time since Verloren’s death.

After that I dream the same dream of Verloren every night: gunfire, desperate clutching, and finally his lifeless face. It was a nightmare, but at least I could feel something.

Jason made me eat every day, carrying in the containers and helping me. Soon I could sit on my own, but I was silent, and if Jason wasn’t there I stared at nothing. I could read his mind as easily as one might read a newspaper. He hated that and couldn’t bear to be around me for long. No one could. My visitors were few, and soon it was just Jason and me in that small apartment.

One day I emerged from the nothingness and realized I was sitting in the bathtub. Jason knelt, shirtless, by the tub, pouring a cup of water through my hair to rinse out shampoo.

I looked down at my body. I was no longer sickly thin. Jason noticed my interest and searched my eyes. He looked so much older now, mature, yet still angry.

I’d done that. Jason not only carried his own sorrow, but he’d added mine to it. Though he’d waited on me hand-and-foot, I’d given him only sadness and an aching. Whatever I did to myself I was doing to him.

Soaking wet I wrapped my arms around his neck and embraced him. The touch of hot skin was a painful reminder of what I had lost. My voice was hoarse from disuse, “I’m sorry.”

He moved his arms awkwardly, fina
lly putting one hand on my back and patting my head with his other hand. I could feel the ache in his chest as he rubbed his cheek against mine. As I felt his breath on my neck I suddenly recognized his emotions.

I let go, then pulled my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. I splashed water on my face to wash away any tears. I ran my hand over my head, feeling the small nubs of my horns starting to regrow. I picked up the cup on the edge of the tub, filled it with water and dumped it on my hair. For the first time I realized that my hair was now white to my shoulders, then black below that.
How long was it before?
I wondered.

Jason stared at me, opened his mouth to speak, but thought better of it. The turmoil in his mind and his heart was almost too much for me to bear. It was time for the wall. I hadn’t used it at all since the night on the beach. I’d left myself open to one and all. On most days that had only included Jason. He’d suffered through my dark hours, allowing my misery to dominate his life. Now that it was his turn to feel something, I shut him out. I knew it was selfish, but I convinced myself I was just too weak and vulnerable. I grabbed soap and
a washcloth and bathed myself, pretending he wasn’t there. He blinked at me, then stood and stared at the floor. He put a towel on the edge of the tub and retreated from the bathroom.

When I’d finished bathing, I found I wanted a haircut. My crudely cut bangs had grown well past my chin. The new hair was entirely white. I rummaged through drawers and found scissors. After just a few snips I felt guilty. The black hair on the floor seemed like strands of my life. I couldn’t let myself forget those strands. With reluctance I finished the task.

Wiping mist from the bathroom mirror, I examined my crooked bob cut. For the first time my eyes matched my insides: bottomless pits of nothing.

19
Just Surviving

Time meant nothing. I did only what I needed to do to survive. I didn’t listen to music, read books, or watch movies. All reminded me of Verloren. I didn’t walk or talk. Since my apology to Jason I hadn’t uttered another word.

Through those months Jason and I were the only ones living in the compound. Sarah dropped by occasionally bringing food and cigarettes.

When I finally opened my laptop the date told me it was November. Could that be right? Had it been six months? I went online and checked a news site. There was no mistake. It was nearly Thanksgiving. I had imprisoned myself in this apartment for six months. I’d kept myself locked away, holding Jason too. He had never left; that meant he had never eaten. Without fuel he couldn’t shift.

I remember Verloren’s words:
Jason won’t be happy if he can’t eat.

I felt horrible for being so sel
fish. I found a weather website and saw the temperature was in the mid-forties and it would be raining all day. It was weather that matched my mood. I dug through clothes — his clothes. I dressed warmly, finding my beanie cap now fit because my horns had never grown back. They’d remained small nubs less than an inch long

I dug through the kitchen drawers until I found t
he shiny silver credit card Hania had provided when we’d arrived. He’d said there was no limit and we didn’t have to pay it back. I tucked it into the back pocket of my jeans, stepped out of the apartment, and looked down the hall. I heard dishes clatter in the kitchen. As I headed for the game room, I heard Jason coming through the cafeteria. Before I got halfway across the game room he appeared.

As soon as he saw me his face went white with shock. I nodded my head for him to follow me. As we went through the mudroom I glanced at my trench coat, then left it. I had no further need to cover wings. There were just the nubs of my horns. Jenny’s hooded rain jacket would be drier. I grabbed that and put it on.

Jason followed me up the dark stairs. I heard rain falling. I climbed out from under the tree and stood in the misty rain. After a moment I wondered where Jason was. I looked down the hole. Jason stared back up at me.

“I can’t make the jump,” he said.

I swung down, letting myself hang down so he could reach me. Jason jumped, caught my hand, and I pulled him out, getting us both muddy in the process. Out in the rain Jason searched my face. What was next?

I took off running. He followed. After less than a minute he panted: “Ash! I can’t keep up!”

I ran back to him. He looked up at me, his hands on his knees. He gulped for air, then let his breathing ease to a normal rate. Rain flattened his hair.

“I haven’t eaten in so long,” he panted. “I’m only as fast as a human.” He stood up and took a deep breath. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigarette. He only managed a few puffs before the rain soaked it. He grumbled, throwing it on the ground.

I went to him, turned, and grabbed the backs of his thighs. I hoisted them over my hips and leaned forward. He wrapped his arms around my neck, realizing he was about to get a piggyback ride.

With Jason on my back I shot through the trees, a girl carrying a guy who was about a foot taller. We must have looked comical. It only took a few minutes to reach the barn. As we neared the road I stopped, dropping Jason.

“Er… thanks,” he said.

The rain was letting up, and there were no cars in sight. I jogged across the road.

“Are you going to tell me what we are doing?” Jason asked.

I ignored him and headed for the barn. He grunted and foll
owed me. I pulled the door open and walked past the cars to the back. I ripped back the tarp throwing dust everywhere. We both stared at Verloren’s shiny black motorcycle. I pointed at the bike.

“Yeah, that’s his Hayabusa,” Jason said sadly.

I pointed again more forcefully.

He shot me a venomous look. “It would help if you would stop playing the fucking deaf mute. Just tell me what you want me to do.”

“Drive,” I croaked.

Jason approached the bike with caution, as if he expecte
d me to stop him. He climbed on and kicked it over. The bike roared to life. I closed my eyes and smiled weakly before feeling the painful bite of memories. I almost told him to stop. I couldn’t. I had come too far. I grimaced and jumped on the back of the bike.

I spoke again in a hoarse whisper, my mouth barely an inch from Jason’s ear: “Aberdeen.”

We didn’t bother closing the barn door.

I clutched Jason’s waist
and buried my face between his shoulders as we sped down the highway. Cold wind stung my face. The sun poked out from behind the clouds, but it didn’t last. Most of the trip was through spitting rain. We went south. Jason drove just as fast as Verloren did but with me on the back he was reluctant to try any wheelies. As we got close to town I pulled my hood tighter, concealing my head and face. The cold made me sluggish.

We rode past rows of small clapboard houses on tiny lots. I noticed a bar and grill just before the bridge. When we hit the bridge surface our tires hummed. On the other side I saw a hotel and directed Jason to pull in. He parked the bike at the fa
r end of the lot. I hopped off and handed him the silver credit card.

He smirked. This was an instance of déjà vu. The experience-memory wasn’t of getting lucky with a girl, it was of the way he and Verloren used to feed.

I could see the whole memory: Jason coaxing a girl into the car, looking for a secluded spot, checking mirrors for unwanted guests, and finally Verloren’s twisted grin as he talked to his victim.

I choked back the hurt, cleared my throat, and pretended it was only a cough.

“Sorry,” Jason whispered.

It’s okay,
I lied.

He jumped off the bike and walked to the office. I pulled on my hood and kept my head down. I saw a
fast food place across the road and abandoned train tracks running across the waterway beside the hotel. At the end of the building was a picnic table with an overflowing ashtray. There was a door leading to the stairs. It required a hotel card key. A paved walkway passed from the smoking area, under the railroad tracks, into the back parking lot of a Wal-Mart.

Jason came holding out
a key. He saw the smoking area and automatically reached for a smoke. I checked the number on the key before pocketing it and the credit card.

Be right back,
I told him.

I headed down the walkway pulling on my hood again to make sure it covered my face. The bank bordering the sidewalk and waterway was muddy and overgrown with weeds. I kept my head down and my hands in my pockets as I walked along the edge of the parking lot. Then I saw what I needed. At the stoplight of the parki
ng lot’s entrance stood a pretty young girl holding a crudely made cardboard sign begging for money. Saliva pooled in my mouth.

Suddenly I wondered why I didn’t care if she was innocent or not. Before
, I’d gone out of the way to clean up society, but now I was only concerned with satisfying my hunger. I couldn’t conjure up any real feeling for this poor girl whose only crime was to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
What’s happened to me?
I asked myself. Then I understood. This was what came of living in a vacuum. I’d been living in a place where I never had to eat, drink, or even breathe. If I did those things it was only because someone made me go through the motions. I drifted below the surface of a dark, stagnant pool with no desire to rise up to the light. If I broke the surface, all I would find was pain. Finally I’d come up and now I understood the pain of rebirth was going to be excruciating.

I turned back. Why didn’t I care? Wasn’t I trying to do what every other creature did? Survive?

I didn’t want to survive; I was being forced to. Verloren had set the wheels in motion, willing me to go on even after his death.

As I got back to the smoking area
, Jason stood up. The question was in his eyes.

I’ll wait until it’s darker,
I thought, then we climbed the stairs to the room.

Hours passed. Jason paced around a green-carpeted room furnished with two queen-sized beds covered with gaudy floral pattern spreads. I had pulled a chair to the window and watched cars speed across the bridge. I observed people dodging cars to get across to the fast food place. Jason took regular smoke breaks. The television droned in the background.

Finally the sky darkened. I left the room and walked down the paved path keeping my head down. I tried to stay on autopilot. The girl stood in the same spot. As she set the sign down by a small shrub, my thoughts invaded her mind. I turned to go back; she followed some distance behind me.

I entered the building and waited for her to catch up. I held the door for her. Her eyes were fearful and I avoided her gaze. I listened but that was just habit. No one was going to see us. All
the other motel guests were staying on the side of the building with the waterway view. I led her up to our room where Jason leapt off the bed and eyed her. I stripped down to my t-shirt. I knew I was going to make a mess. I flipped on the light, mentally directing her into the large tiled bathroom.

I leaned against the doorframe as I had her remove her clothes. Jason would need her stripped. Jason crept up behind me. His heartbeat accelerated. Once her clothes lay in a pile I approached her and turned her head. Her mind was chaotic, but I had become expert at blocking out everything, even myself. I was about to feed from her when I caught Jason’s reflection in the mirror. I halted, watching him.

His breathing was heavy and his heart beat fast. Again I was caught up in my own selfishness. I blinked and pulled back from the girl. Jason wanted what any man would desire after such a long period of abstinence. I turned to him.

“Do you want her?” I rasped, holding her neck away from my lips. “I could leave and come back when you’re done.”

He shook his head and looked as if I’d slapped him. He glanced at the girl and then at me. “No!”

“It’s okay if you do. I really don’t care anymore.”

He stared at me and finally said: “I don’t want… her.”

I nodded and
bit gently into her neck, making sure not to spill a single drop.

Months before my mind and body had awakened to the first blood Jason had fed me. Now that was magnified a thousand times as the girl’s fresh blood passed my lips. This wasn’t stale like the blood in the containers. It was warm, sweet blood pumping straight from the source. I couldn’t control my ecstasy. My walls came tumbling down; even the girl I was killing was sharing my euphoria and arousal as she died.

When her heart stopped and her blood was drained, I pulled away. I found myself on my knees cradling her dead body. I’d been overcome.

Jason gripped the doorframe, his breathing heavy. I moved the girl to the tub and crushed her skull to keep her from waking up as a mindless monster who could only eat and breathe. I rinsed my hands and dried them. I didn’t look at Jason as I passed him, but I heard the click of a pocketknife being opened. He closed the bathroom door as I flopped down on the bed. I barely got my shoes off before I passed out from my gluttony.