Legacy (Endlessly Book 2) (17 page)

23 my resolution

When I entered the game room Jason stood and looked me over. I was covered in sand and the front of my sweatshirt was stained with inky tears. Yet I’m certain I looked better. When Jason shook his head in confusion, I laughed. The sound was so unexpected it forced Jason to flinch.

“I’m a real mess
, huh?” I asked.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“No,” I replied. “I’m never going to be okay again, but… I will deal with it.”

I started toward my apartment, but he grabbed my arm. His hand’s warmth reminded me of Verloren. We stood there, staring at one another.

“I’m reinvesting in a new reality,” I said, blinking back tears.

He leaned down, laid his chin on the bridge of my nose, and pressed his lips against my forehead. As he embraced me, I buried my face in his warm chest.

“You know I love you, right?” he asked me.

“Yes…
I love you too, Jason,” I replied automatically.

I knew
Jason had just made a true confession of his feelings. He wanted me in every way. My confession to him was not that of a lover, but of a sibling or friend. We were both survivors of the same terrible tragedy, linked by the experience, and by the loss. Still, my feelings weren’t his. I choose to ignore the feelings behind his confession. I would set them aside and wait until he could accept me as his friend. He sensed my rejection and pushed me away.

“Go take a shower,” he said. “You smell like shit. We’ll go out and get some food.” As Jason spoke he kept his eyes averted. He was still too vulnerable.

As I walked down the hall to my door I found myself laughing out loud at his embarrassment. I couldn’t help it. I laughed a lot over the following week and allowed myself to live a little.

I spent most of
each day writing a journal containing our entire story. I put in small things, big things, ecstasy and sorrow. His death was there, but, more to the point, I wrote of his life, and all he meant to me. I still cried, but my tears no longer turned into racking sobs of anguish. They were the tears of sentiment and they came on the heels of anything that brought Verloren to mind.

Spring passed quickly into summer. People started to move back. My grief was no longer dominant. It was
replaced by the sense the world would go on, and life was worth living. I now knew the only unstoppable forces in this world were life and death.

Sarah returned along with the gargoyles. They accepted my new attitude but still tiptoed around me. Fabi never returned, nor did Aubrey. No one worried about Cory’s absence. Coylene came and went, and eventually Hania came home to stay.

Hania’s return made me realize what time would do to those who lived normal life spans. He had grown dependent on people around him to help him maneuver. No one ever complained. Theirs was a misfit family, reunited, almost as if nothing had happened. But I felt like an uninvited guest. The happy times they spent together were sacred to them, but to me those times were only reminders of something I didn’t have. I was the skeleton in their closet, the embarrassing relative who might be better off left upstairs.

Every day I would sit in the apartment and randomly open my journal and read. This was my family. The pages overflowed with ink. This was my only hope of filling the empty place in my heart.

As I dressed one morning I came across the camping equipment in the back of the closet. I’d forgotten I even had it and couldn’t recall why it was there. It was a feeling like that of walking into a room looking for something and forgetting what you wanted to find. Then it dawned on me why I had bought it and I knew what I had to do.

I pulled the backpack off the shelf and started cramming clothes into it. I tied the tent to the bottom of the pack, pulled on my hiking boots, and set the whole ensemble on the coffee table. I had just packed the mp3 player when I heard a knock on the door.

“Come in,” I called.

Jason walked in wearing swimming shorts.

“We got the pool filled. You want to go swimming?” he asked.

“So now it’s okay if I wear a swimsuit?” I asked. I wound up the cord for the headphones and put it in the backpack. When I picked up the journal his face dropped. He saw the bag and knew.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Jason…
I’m leaving.”

“W-what? Why?”

“I can’t stay here anymore. There’s an empty void where he’s supposed to be. If I leave, it will be just me and him. No one else needs to be involved.”

“I’m coming with you.”

“You can’t.”

“I don’t care if you like it or not…
I’m coming,” he insisted.

“This is something I have to do alone, Jason. You can’t come with me.”

He towered over me. “I can’t let you do this. I won’t let you.”

“Why?” I demanded. “So I can roll over every morning and realize he’s still not there? So I can sit on the sofa hoping I might hear him flipping through the CDs? You want me to stay and wait for something that’s never going to happen? Everything here reminds me of him. Even you.” My voice broke. I calmed myself before I spoke again. “Look…
I’ve accepted the fact that he’s never coming back—”

“You don’t know that,” he said.

When I stared at him, he realized he shouldn’t have said it.

“That was just a theory, Jason.” I tightened the loops around the tent and checked all the zippers. “You can shit in one hand and wish in another and see which one gets full faster. Or…
you can just take my word for it.”

“Clever,” he said.

I glared at him. “We both know the real reason you don’t want me to leave. And I told you that if you made it real, it would only hurt you.”

His smile faded. “I love you
, Ashley. I don’t want you to leave.” His eyes dropped to my necklace.

“I’m sorry, Jason; there’s nothing I can do. It’s just the connection… the virus has your head messed up…”

He shook his head. “Stop. You don’t know how I feel.”

“Yes, I can see exactly how you feel. I’m trying to keep you from looking like a jackass, but apparently there is no helping you.”

We stared at each other and a moment came when he finally accepted defeat. He pulled me into a hug. His bare chest felt warm against my cheek.

“I’m not leaving forever
, you know?” I pushed away from him.

“You’re not?”

“No, the last time I went camping, when I came back, you told me I smelled like shit. I just need some time to myself, a vacation from this place. I can’t understand how Sarah can endure a place filled with feelings of hurt. Besides, it gets cold in the winter, and I can’t exactly make a fire to keep warm.”

He raised an eyebrow. “You know I can help you with that. I did once before and that was just a taste.”

“You’re such a jerk.” My cheeks tingled.

“I know the real reason you can’t stay away. You can’t keep your eyes off this.” He ran his hand over his stomach.

“You’re so full of yourself,” I said, rolling my eyes.

I pulled on the backpack. We went through the game room where the others joined Jason in trying to talk me out of it.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Lex said.

“You could get hurt,” Sarah added. “What about eating?”

“I’m stronger than any of you,” I said, “and there isn’t anything out there that can hurt me. I’m more than capable of taking care of myself. Besides it’s only for a few months.”

Coylene spoke up: “Just promise us that if you have any trouble, you’ll come home.”

“You guys are getting all worked up about nothing. I’ll only be gone a few months, so it’s not that big of a deal.”

Finally Hania put their real concern into words: “We’re afraid you’re going to try and harm yourself.”

I looked around the room and knew their feelings. They were my feelings too. Death would put an end to my suffering and give me Verloren. I looked from one face to another, but finally my gaze landed on Jason. More than anyone else, I had to convince him.

I looked at Hania. “That would be selfish beyond words. I don’t think I could bring myself to torture this group any more than I already have.”

Hania smiled weakly. I’d spoken the truth, but not the whole truth. I had no urge to end my life, but I couldn’t guarantee that I would always feel like that. Suicide would be incredibly selfish, but just below the surface my whole being ached for resolution. I pushed it out of my mind. Maybe when they had all passed on, and there was no one left behind to hurt…

“So what’s your plan?” Jenny asked.

“I really don’t have one. I just want to roam the Olympic Peninsula and spend some time alone.”

“Someone will always be here when you’re ready to come home,” Coylene assured me.

“Don’t forget to bring me back a souvenir,” Josh said.

I said my last goodbyes. Jason followed me up the stairs and out beneath the tree.

“I guess this is it,” he said.

“Yeah. I’ll bring you a snack from Seattle.”

He laughed. “Yeah, a lot of dead bodies get dumped in the Sound.”

“One more thing… take the bike.”

His mouth dropped open. “I.. I.. can’t…”

“Don’t argue with me. Take it or I’ll give it to Josh.”

He nodded. We stared at each other.

“I hope you find her,” I said.

I already have.
The thought was barely discernable.

I sighed. There was no arguing with him. I had no choice. Now, just like every other time, I pushed Jason away.

I pulled out my machete and turned east. With the first swing of the blade I envisioned a newly severed cord separating me from Jason. I took my first steps toward Verloren. I didn’t look back.

The story will continue…

Phantom

www.authorcvhunt.com

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

C. V. Hunt is the author of the
Endlessly
trilogy,
How To Kill Yourself
,
Zombieville
,
Thanks For Ruining My Life
,
Other People’s Shit
and
Baby Hater
.