Lena's River (14 page)

“No, I wouldn’t do that. What would be the point
anyway? That would just be wrong. Do you really believe I’m making this up?”
Levi looked pained.

Lena assured him: “No, no of course not. It’s a lot for
me to get my brain around, that’s all. And you’ve got to admit there’s a lot of
crazy bad out there in the world.”

“But there’s good in the world too. I mean, case in
point, I never expected to see you again. It’s kind of nice to know that I
wasn’t too far off base when I was sixteen. Maybe this was supposed to happen.
Good things can happen for no reason too, Lena.” He shifted his weight on the
bed. “But if you’re focused on only the bad stuff that happens to you, then
that is all a person sees.”

Lena chewed her lip. She fought back the impulse to
find her clothes and run. They had driven her truck – she could leave and that
would be it. She didn’t want to have this conversation. It already felt more
like a debate rather than a discussion. She didn’t want to defend herself or
her convictions.

“I don’t believe that stuff
just
happens because
it’s
supposed to
. I don’t get random acts of universal kindness – it
doesn’t fit into my world view.” Lena lifted two fingers to make scare quotes
around
“supposed to”.
“I don’t like the concept that there is someone or
thing out there directing people’s lives. It’s creepy. Oh, I’m god, big and
powerful. Today I’ll do something random, like let someone live, or bump two
people together out of nowhere so they’ll fall in love. Like we’re puppets dangling
without our own purpose on the end of a string. It’s archaic and disturbing.”

There was a heavy silence. Levi ruffled his unkempt
hair with the flat of his hand. “That’s not quite what I meant. Do you think
that we’re all simply huge accidents and the cosmos toss us around in random
patterns? That’s rather unsettling too. Why do you have such a hard time with
the rationale of love, Lena? Love is a reality. You and I both feel it and we
know it’s tangible. It’s a positive force in the world.”

Levi held his hands up in a resigned gesture and looked
straight at her. “Why not believe in big love – a love way larger than
ourselves? Quantum physics would seem to support the concept that not
everything in the universe is based on materialism. Matter, energy, space, time,
even love – it all has a place in the universe.”

Lena thought about what he had said. She’d had enough
math and science at the University to understand the concepts up to a point.

She said: “You talk about love. Well I think love’s a
slippery slope. I’m not sure you can apply it to quantum reality. But fine, say
you can. Let’s look at the evidence you can see all around us. In my experience
if you love, then there’s no doubt that you will hurt because of that love.”

Lena could tell that she had his attention for he
didn’t move a muscle but she didn’t like the look on his face. She pressed on;
feeling the heat rise in her face.

 “You can’t love another living thing without pain
showing up somewhere along the way. There’s death, betrayal, all kinds of stuff
that will leap between you and loving someone. I guess my perceptions are drawn
from my own experiences, Levi. Love doesn’t hold the best track record with me.
Maybe all we’re feeling is pheromones and chemistry. Some people believe that what
we call love is simply an extension of biology.”

Lena knew it was a cop-out to turn their debate on its
head in this way, but she didn’t want to have a mental struggle with him. There
was no winning this argument for either one of them. She got off the bed and
grabbed a turtleneck out of her bag; pulling it over her head. She found a pair
of sweat pants and put them on, then went to one of the overstuffed chairs by
the fireplace and sat down with her legs crossed underneath her.

She leaned forward holding her hands towards the warmth
of the flickering logs. “If life as it is makes no sense, then why waste time
trying to figure it all out when there might not be anything or anyone to
answer? Life is too short for such nonsense.”

“The point is - we humans are hard-wired to solve
problems and answer basic, fundamental questions, Lena. That fact alone gives
me hope when everything else around us may predict doom and infect us with
doubt. Thinking about life’s questions is something we humans do, and have done
since we’ve had brains big enough to think and ponder the unknown.”

Lena puzzled over this for a moment; then looked sideways
at him. She gave a wry, half-smile. “Wow, Levi. Maybe you should have been a Rabbi.
You are good at this.”

Levi shrugged and looked down at his feet. “I’ve had some
practice but I’m hardly an expert.” He hunched over looking at his toes on the
floor in quiet contemplation. “I don’t pretend to have all the answers.”

Lena decided she needed to change the subject. She
hoped their philosophical debate hadn’t spoiled the evening but they seemed to
be at an impasse. Besides, she was very curious about something, but wasn’t
sure she should ask.

She hesitated: “You never told me about your brother. What’s
his name and was he sick for a long time? You said you took care of him.”

Levi looked at her with sadness in his eyes. He didn’t
say anything for a minute. He seemed to be weighing his words: “Let’s go for
that walk on the beach, shall we?”

****

“Brr, northern beaches are so beautiful but it’s darn cold
tonight!” Lena had her arm looped through his as their feet scuffed the deep,
dry sand. The tide was low so they made their way in dim moon light across the
strand towards the booming surf.

Levi paused and looked up at the sky. “It’s clear; that
must be why it’s so cold. Look.” He pointed toward the horizon to the north.
Stars shimmered like misty pearls in the night sky. A strong breeze from the
ocean pushed wispy fog-clouds down low on the beach toward them. They looked
like thin, lacy ghosts dancing in shimmers across the sand.

They stood for several minutes gazing up at the sky and
then at the white foam of breakers as they hit the beach and flung spray into
the air. Lena could feel the tremor of force beneath her feet as the sea struck
the shore. She watched the waves reach up the dark, wet sand like long fingers
and then retreat.

“It’s kind of like making love, isn’t it?” She
murmured.

Levi looked down at her; a faint smile on his lips. “It
is. I never thought of it that way but yes – you’re right.”

“I like the quiet rhythm, the sensual friction of waves
on the sand. It also can be very intense – the hard action of water on the
shore.” Lena mused. She bent down and found a smooth, black rock. She weighed
it in her hand before throwing it into the surf.

They were quiet again for a long time - his arm around
her shoulders, her head rested against him. The ground fog thinned and
disappeared and a waxing gibbous moon rose above the trees. There was no sound
at all except a light breeze in their ears and the erratic rhythm of the surf.

After awhile he breathed in deep and held his breath
for a second: “My little brother and I were on our way to a baseball game. My
parents both worked and it was the end of the game season so it was my job to
drive him to this tournament. I was bummed out because I had other plans with
my friends.” He paused and swallowed hard.

“I was in a bad mood. Zach was being squirrely and
goofing off in the car. I got mad at him. To distract myself I tried to switch
channels on the radio when this delivery truck comes out of nowhere and smashed
into us. He hit on the passenger’s side. Or I ran into the truck. Either way it
was bad.”

Lena didn’t move. She held onto him while he spoke into
the darkness. It felt like he was telling the story, not to her, but to the
vast ocean.

“Zach never recovered from the accident. He would get
better and sometimes it would seem like he would make it. We all took turns
staying with him at the hospital. He even got to come home for a few weeks. But
then things took a turn for the worse. There was so much damage that his poor
body couldn’t heal fast enough. He finally died of an uncontrolled infection.”

Lena could tell that Levi silently wept. His voice
shook and she held him tight around the waist.

“He died in his sleep. I was there. He woke up for just
an instant and wanted to say something. He… he told me it wasn’t my fault. And
then… and then he was gone. It was all over – my little brother – gone – just
like that.” Levi snapped his fingers in the air. He wiped his face with the
back of his hand and said nothing more.

The dark concealed his pain but Lena felt it touch her
to the core.

Lena didn’t notice at first, but she was crying too.
The loss of his brother felt like her loss. The tears fell and dripped off her nose
onto her jacket. Her heart was full and hurting. She knew this. She knew all
about the pain and the untouchable sorrow. She wanted to say some words of
comfort – anything that would mean something. She knew how he felt in a very
deep place, and she there were no words that could be said.

She held him close, put her face against his neck and
whispered: “It’s okay. I know. It’s alright.” Being there for him was all she
knew how to do.

They stood together like this for a long time. At last
Levi drew back, put both hands on either of her shoulders and looked her
straight in the eye.

“I love you, Lena. I hope by now you know that. I want
to be with you. I want us to stay together. I don’t want this to end in a few
days when your time here is over and you need to go home.”

Lena’s throat tightened with emotion. All she could
manage was an affirmative nod. Then she embraced him with both arms around his
waist and her head planted against his chest.

At last she whispered: “Yes, Levi. I want to make this
work with us. I think we can. I love you too.”

They held each other close in the darkness. “Should we
go back to your river tomorrow?” Levi whispered in her ear.

“We could go back or stay here. It doesn’t matter; the
river is here with us because the ocean is where all rivers end and where they
begin again. You know what I mean?” She looked up at him and smiled.

Levi nodded he understood. Lena wished this embrace would
last forever. Maybe it would, as the night became theirs and theirs alone.