Let Me In (11 page)

              Thanksgiving morning finds me slightly hungover.  Tuck, of course, is in an especially chipper mood.  That’s pure hell for somebody who hates mornings when she isn’t hungover; combine a hangover with the morning and I turn into the spawn of Satan.  But since it’s Tuck who I’m dealing with, I make an effort to lose some of my early morning bitchiness.
              That all changes when I come out of the bathroom to find him with my cell phone up to his ear.  I give him a questioning look as he says goodbye and throws my phone on the bed.
              “That was Gran,” he answers me.
              “Oh yeah?  What did she want?”  I haven’t talked to my gran this week except to let her know that we made it safely.  Truthfully, I’m at little perturbed at her for pushing the point of me visiting my dad.  She knows better than to cross that line with me.
              Tuck looks nervous.  “She, um, wanted to tell you happy Thanksgiving.  And she wanted to tell you to consider visiting your dad when you get home.”  He looks unsure of himself as he delivers my gran’s message. 
              My face darkens with anger, and I keep my reply to myself.  Then his next words change everything.
              “Kori, I really think you should go visit him.  Your gran says that she thinks it would be healthy for you.  I’m not saying you have to forgive him, but he is your dad.  You should at least speak to him.”
              My mouth drops open at his words.  Never would I have thought that Tuck would betray me like this, because that’s what this feels like – a betrayal. 
              “No,” I hoarsely manage to say.  I feel as if somebody has stabbed me in the heart.
              “Come on, babe.  I think this will help you.  You’re always so closed off, and it’s because of him.  If nothing else, go see him and tell him what a bastard he is.  You probably don’t realize that you do it, and I know you’re making an effort not to anymore, but everything you do or don’t do is because of him.  You let him have control over you from inside that prison cell.  Your mom wouldn’t want you to let him have this control over you also.  She would want you to be stronger.”
              And with those words, I break.  I fly into a rage, and I know the words that are about to come out of my mouth are not going to be pretty.
              “Fuck you, Tucker Hayes.  If I’m so damn closed off, then why are you with me?  Is it because you think you can fix me?  I don’t need fixing.  What I do need is for people to leave me the fuck alone and let me live my life the way I want to.  I thought I was fine before you came along, Tuck.”  My heart is breaking as I say these words, but I feel as if we can’t come back from this conversation.  This is the beginning of the end for us.  “I’m not closed off, can’t you see that?  You set me free, Tuck.  But did you just do that to where you could build the type of cage that you wanted to?”
              Tuck looks panicked, as if he realizes that I’m slipping away from him and it’s all his fault.  “No, Kori!  I want you to be free.  That’s why I want you to go see your dad.  I love you, babe.”
              I shook my head at his words.  “Then accept me for who I am.  I have control over my life; nobody else does.  Not my father, not my mother, and not you.”  I scramble around the room as I throw some clothes on.  I grab my phone and my purse and push past him.  He grabs my arm as I slip by.
              “Where are you going?  You can’t leave me.”  His voice sounds panicked and I briefly feel guilty for what I’m doing.
              “Goodbye, Tuck.  Tell your parents I’m sorry for having to leave.”  I race down the stairs and out the front door, thankful that there is nobody around to witness my escape.  I run down the street as I hear Tuck’s voice screaming at me from his front yard. 
              My heart is shattered.  I’m furious with Tuck, and I’m furious with myself.  Why can’t I be good enough?  Why couldn’t he just leave everything alone?  We were perfect before he brought up the taboo topic of my father.  As I think of that, my anger turns toward my father.  Even hours away in a state penitentiary, he still manages to fuck my life up.  I chuckle ruefully to myself at that thought; I don’t exactly need my father’s help to fuck everything up.  Apparently I do that pretty well on my own.
              I continue walking the streets of Carterville.  My hangover is long gone, and the tears are now flowing freely down my face.  I think back to last night at the bar where Tuck had arranged for me to sing.  He knew that was my dream, and he encouraged me.  My mind flits to later that night in the truck.  Every moment with Tuck is wonderful.  He encourages my dreams and makes my life worth something.  A sob breaks free from my chest.  Oh God, have I made a mistake?
              I spend Thanksgiving totally alone.  It was without a doubt the worst holiday of my life, worse even than the first Thanksgiving after my mother’s death and my father’s incarceration.  I’ve been sitting at a local Denny’s for the past four hours, blankly staring off into space.  I robotically eat my food and allow the waitress to clear the table.  I know I’ll have to leave a substantial tip to compensate for the fact that I’ve jeopardized a table for the better part of the day, but I just can’t find the energy to care.  I pay my bill and throw a few twenties down on the table as I set off in hopes of finding a cheap motel for the night.

              I make my way back to my house late Sunday night.  I have spent the last three days bumming around Nashville, soaking in the sights and the music.  My fingers itched to hold my guitar, but I had left it at Tuck’s house.  I just hoped that he isn’t too pissed off to bring it back to me. 
              During my three day jaunt, I never once turned my cell phone on.  It was easier to pretend that my world was normal and not imploding around me if I had no contact with my friends and family.  I don’t want to know if Tuck has called, and I also don’t want to know if he hasn’t called.  Either one would hurt me, and I am tired of hurting.
              I attempt to slip into my house undetected, but luck is not on my side.  I’m instantly waylaid by Avery and Chelsea, who look stressed and worried.  They both crush me into a hug and burst into tears.
              “Where have you been?” Chelsea demands.  “Tuck told us you guys had a fight and that you left.  That was Thursday morning.  It’s now Sunday night, and we haven’t heard from you at all during that time.  Your grandparents are worried sick.”
              I feel a twinge of guilt at the worry that I’ve put them through.  “I’m sorry.  I just couldn’t face reality, so I stayed away.  Can you call my grandparents and let them know I’m home?” 
              Avery shakes her head adamantly.  “No, Kori.  You have to do that.  Quit being a little bitch and face reality.”
              I bite my tongue because I know that she’s right.  I make my way to my room and stop when I see my guitar case and suitcase on my bed.  That means that Tuck has been here.  I notice an envelope with my name on it resting on top of my guitar.  I hesitantly walk to it and pick it up.  My hands are shaking as I slide the letter out of the envelope.  I quietly wipe a tear away as I begin to read.

Kori, words cannot express how sorry I am for what I said.  I know I shouldn’t have pushed you to see your father.  It’s your decision and your life, but
please know that I only want you to be happy.  I never meant to put you in a cage.  You’re my songbird, and you should fly free.
It has been pointed out by several people that I’m an asshole, and I’m certain that you’re aware of that fact also.  I’m sorry for that. 
When you walked out of that door Thursday morning, I felt as if my heart shattered into a million pieces.  You are the best part of my life, and I pray that you will let me back into yours.
Please call me, Kori.  I’ve called you at least fifty times since you walked out of my life.  I have so much to say to you.  Please give me another chance.  I swear I will spend the rest of my life showing you just how much you mean to me.  I love you.  Tuck

              I reach into my purse and turn on my phone.  I see that I have over a hundred missed calls, sixty-two of which are from Tuck.  I also have close to a hundred text messages and over twenty voice messages.  I ignore all of them and call my grandparents.  I keep the conversation short, basically just letting Gran know that I made it home safely.  She knows that I’m pissed off at her, and she has the good sense not to bring it up.  I know that Gramps will eventually sit me down and ream my ass, but I can put off the conversation until later.
              I pick up the beautiful letter that Tuck wrote me and curl up in the middle of my bed.  I don’t bother to take off my clothes, even though they are road-worn and wrinkled.  I let the tears overtake me as I cry for all that I have lost. 

13

Tuck

              My life has been miserable ever since the second that Kori walked out of the door and out of my life.  I never knew that I would be in such agony over a girl, but that was before I completely fucked up my relationship with Kori.  I never should have pushed her to confront her dad.  The entire time I was talking to her about it, my inner voice was screaming at me to shut up.  I get so scared sometimes that Kori is going to completely shut me out like she does so many other people.  She is such a fun, outgoing person, but so often she closes herself off so that people don’t get too close.  I know that it’s a defense mechanism to protect herself from getting hurt again, but it hurts me to know that she could close herself off from me at the same time.
              I guess all of that is a moot point now that I’ve driven her out of my life.  My dad and stepmom railed at me for being an idiot when they discovered that Kori had left.  I just hung my head and took the verbal abuse in silence because I knew I deserved it.  I have called Kori countless times and sent her numerous texts, all of which have gone unanswered.  She must have turned her phone off because my calls are being sent straight to voicemail. 
              I drove around Carterville for most of Thanksgiving, hoping to catch a glimpse of her curly dark hair.  She doesn’t have anything on her except her phone and purse, and I don’t know what her plans are to get back home.  I’m worried sick about her, so I finally decided to call her grandparents.  Her grandmother apologizes for putting me in this situation.  She feels guilty that Kori left me, but I have nobody to blame but myself.  They promised to call me if they heard anything.  The next thing I did was call Avery and Chelsea.  Neither of them had heard from Kori, but they also assured they would let me know if they did.  Both of them expressed their sadness at our split.

              I rush back to Alexandria bright and early Friday morning.  Chase grumbles about the fact that he had to get up so early, but he understands my need to see if Kori is back.
              “You had better fix this,” he growls at me as I drop him off at our house.  “That girl is cool as shit.  I like her.”  It’s a sad day when manwhore Chase Harrison is giving me relationship advice.  His words just sink my mood further into the ground.
              I turn into a true stalker and sit at Kori’s house all day Friday and Saturday.  Avery and Chelsea both get home Saturday afternoon, and they each give me a sad look as they invite me inside.  I take her guitar and suitcase into her room and set them on her bed.  I pull a letter out of my pocket and place it on top of her guitar where I know she will see it.  I just hope she reads it before she throws it away.
              I dejectedly make my way to the door after explaining to Avery and Chelsea that I’m going to go.  It was one thing to look pathetic by myself, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let Kori’s two best friends witness my wretched existence. 

              The next Tuesday rolls around and I find myself sitting at Sawyer’s for open mic night.  I catch Kai’s eye behind the bar and he shrugs his shoulders at me.  He doesn’t know if Kori is showing up tonight to sing or not.  It’s been a week and a half since I saw her last, and each day has been harder than the one before it.  I’m fucking miserable.  I’ve missed classes and drunk myself in a beer coma.  I sobered up today so that I could come see Kori.  I keep telling myself that she’ll be here.  There’s no way that she will miss an opportunity to perform.  I continuously scan the bar in search of my girl, but I have yet to find her.  My waitress, God love her, is kind enough to understand a broken heart.  She keeps a bottle in my hand throughout the evening. 
              When they announce the final singer for open mic night, my heart plunges to the floor when I realize that it isn’t Kori.  I had pretty much given up hope at this point anyway, but to have it confirmed hurts.  I know she’s avoiding me, and I don’t know what to do about it.  So I do the only thing that I can do; I get completely trashed. 
              “Hey, dickhead.”  My head is thrown forward as a hand slaps the back of my head.  I look up and glare at Chase as he seats himself beside me at the bar.  I continue peeling the label off my beer bottle, hoping that he’ll take the hint and leave.  I know why he’s here, and I don’t want to talk to him.
              I ignore him for the next ten minutes, but he doesn’t leave.  I drink another beer and stare off vacantly into the space behind the bar.  Chase sighs and turns toward me.
              “Tuck, you can’t keep doing this.  Just let her go.”
              I spin toward him in disbelief and anger.  “Hell no.  I can’t, Chase.  I love her too damn much to do that.”
              “She’s not worth it, man.  There are plenty of other girls to choose from who would love to take a ride on Tuck Hayes.  Choose one.”
              I lunge toward him and knock him off of his barstool.  My anger is a tangible thing pumping through my body.  I can taste the metallic sheen of it in my mouth as I raise my fist to punch Chase in the mouth.  Before I can let it crash into him, I’m grabbed from behind by Joe, the bouncer.  He pulls me off of Chase and gives my so-called friend time to stand up.  I’m surprised by the look on Chase’s face.  It’s smug and knowing and satisfied. 
              “You’re willing to fight
me
for her, but you won’t fight for her?”  He shakes his head in disgust.  “Drinking her away isn’t going to help.  If you want to be with her, fight for her.  Don’t give her a chance to turn you down.” 
              I blink stupidly as his words sink in.  I understand that he had been goading me into my anger with his words about Kori.  He’s right, I should be fighting for Kori.  I shake myself loose from Joe and stretch my hand toward Chase.
              “I’m such a fucktard.  What am I gonna do, Chase?”
              He shakes his head at me as he looks up at my asshole self.  “I don’t know, Tuck.  But I’m sure you’ll think of something.  You two are meant to be together.”
              “Thanks, man.  Are we cool?”
              He grabs my hand and pulls me into a bro hug.  We quickly slap each other’s back and step away from each other.  “We’re cool.  Now let’s get your drunk ass home.”  He slaps some money down on the bar to cover our drinks and we make our way through the crowded bar.  “I’m surprised you were able to even attempt a swing after all that you’ve drunk tonight,” he scoffs.
              “Piss off, Harrison.  I could pound you into the ground any day of the week.  Drunk or sober.” 

              One month.  That’s how long it’s been since I’ve talked to Kori and heard her voice.  I’ve sent her text messages every day, just letting her know that I love her and I’m not giving up.  I’ve hung out in her regular paths to class, but I haven’t seen her.  I suspect that she’s avoiding me, and that breaks my heart. 
              Chase insults me daily for becoming such a whiny girl.  He’s right, I’ve become a pussy.  I tell him that one day he will understand, but he argues back that no woman will ever bring him to his knees the way that Kori has done me.   After our talk at Sawyer’s, I concocted a plan to win Kori back.  The time has finally come for it to begin.
              I’m nervous as I leave Kori’s Christmas gift on her front step.  I debated for days on what to get her.  I wanted to do a grand gesture that was romantic and meaningful, so I decided to burn a copy of her performance in Nashville.  I don’t think she even knew that Neal had recorded her, and I’m hoping that this will weaken the wall she has built back up.  I just need Kori back in my life.