Letters Home (13 page)

Chaplain Hayes took his place again, his voice a bit shaky and when I looked up I noticed the glistening in his eyes. There wasn’t much left of the sermon and it wasn’t long until men in their dress uniforms came to the front to carry Nate’s coffin to the waiting car. I watched it pass by, knowing that we were near the end—the moment I would have to let go forever. The cemetery was pretty close and once we were all loaded into the cars it took no time to get there.

The chairs were already set up near the gravesite. A shiver ran down my spine just looking at it. Just as in the chapel, I sat next to Nate’s parents, with Marissa taking the extra seat on the other side of me. Chaplain Hayes had more to say at the grave and while I tried to listen, I just didn’t have it in me to pay attention. The day was beautiful: the wind light, the sun warm but not hot. The perfect day for a picnic, like the ones we use to take.

The first shot of the guns ripped right through me, every single one breaking another piece of my shattered heart. At that moment I was sobbing uncontrollably, to the point I could barely hear the bugle playing. By the time the song finished and I watched them fold the flag before handing it to Chaplain Hayes, I was having trouble drawing breath. Chaplain Hayes squatted down in front of me and placed the flag in my hands.

“Danielle, look at me and following my breathing.”

I did as I was told and after a few attempts I was able to calm myself. It was over. I was officially a widow. Unable to handle anything else, I withdrew inside my head and let people lead me to where I needed to be. The wake was being held at Nate’s parents’ house because our place was not big enough. Staying inside my head had been an easy choice to survive the rest of the day but later, at home, would be a different story. Nodding at the people who came up to offer their condolences, I sat in the corner and watched everything unfold before me, except, it didn’t feel like I was there. It was like I was watching from somewhere outside my body. This couldn’t really be happening to me.

At the end of the night Liam took me home.

“I don’t want to stay here tonight,” I whispered to him when we pulled into the lot.

“If you want you can stay at my place tonight,” he said, letting out a breath that seemed as if he’d been holding it all day. “I’ve been so worried about you.”

“You don’t mind.”

“Really? You know I’ll do anything to protect my little sister. Do you want me to come in with you so that you can grab some stuff?”

“Please.”

He nodded and got out of the car the same time as me. I headed straight for the bedroom to pack a bag. After collecting all of the things I would need for the next few days, I looked around the room to make sure I hadn’t missed anything. That’s when my eyes landed on the picture by my bed. Reaching out I picked up the picture to look it at, my throat starting to burn.

“I’m sorry, Nate.”

I took the picture over to the closet and placed in a box at the top. It was the first time since it had been taken that it hadn’t sat next to my bed. Grabbing my bag, I turned and walked out of the door, leaving behind the memories that would haunt me if I stayed.

5 months later

Somehow you find the strength to move on, even if it means you bury your pain so deep you

forget how to feel.

“No, I’m not going. I have to be in court Monday and I still have a ton of work to do here,” I said into the phone propped on my shoulder.

“Danielle, you need to take a break, and tonight happens to be the perfect opportunity,” Liam lectured from the other end.

It had been five months since Nate’s funeral. I’d moved out of our apartment and in with Liam. It was the best decision I could have made, especially seeing as for the first two weeks I didn’t get out of bed often. There didn’t seem to be a need. Even the holidays had been their own form of hell. My family checked on me, Nate’s parents even stopped by once in a while to see how I was doing. One day after a visit with them, I decided that I couldn’t hide in my room anymore. It was time for me to function again. I needed to go back to work.

So after three weeks I was back in the office, throwing myself into my work, every case getting one hundred and ten percent of my attention. My life revolved around my job. Who was I kidding? I didn’t really have a life. But that was okay with me since it only caused heartache. But about a month after Colin got back, he, my brother, and Marissa made it their mission to get me out of the house more often.

Up until recently, I’d been able to hold them off. There had been a ton of work to catch up on from the cases that hadn’t been passed onto someone else. However, as the time passed, I was able to get everything done and without the need to stay late at the office the pressure to socialize became relentless. They would take turns calling me at nights, Liam bugging me to go out the minute I stepped through the door. Eventually I’d have to give in, but only when I couldn’t put them off any longer, something I had feeling was getting closer than I liked.

“How about another night?” I offered, digging through the papers on my desk, deciding what I needed to take home.

“You say that every night. This time you’re not getting out of it. One drink and if you try and say no, I’ll drag you out of your office or the house myself. So don’t think you can hide from me.”

Damn. He knew me too well, and it wasn’t like I could call Marissa for help because she was probably in on it. While I was thinking of another place to go, Liam’s voice piped up again. “Don’t bother trying to hide. Marissa is already in the parking lot waiting for you. And she has your car blocked into its space. So give up gracefully and get in her car. I’ll see you there.”

“Liam? Liam?” That’s when I realized he hung up. Maybe he was bluffing. I peeked out the blinds and sure enough, Marissa’s car was parked behind mine. It really wasn’t a surprise—they’d been looking for any way to con me into doing something besides working, eating, and sleeping. I wasn’t really sure why I was fighting them so hard. Just because we were hanging out for the night didn’t mean I needed to look for someone new. It wasn’t what they expected of me when they’d asked me to go, although, that’s kind of what it felt like, and that was something I had no interest in. Sighing, I picked up my bag and headed out the door toward Marissa’s car.

“Hey, sweetheart, I’m so glad that you decided to join us.”

“Well, it’s not like you really gave me a choice.”

“True, but I’m glad you didn’t fight harder.”

I rolled my eyes at her, knowing she couldn’t see me in the dark car. “So, you want to tell me where we are going?”

“No, you’ll see when we get there. Just be glad we didn’t let Colin pick.”

“Oh God, I can only imagine.”

Colin’s usual choice was out to the bars. When he got back, his whole outlook had changed. He wanted someone to spend his time with. Part of me thought he was afraid to miss out on what Nate and I had, even if it had only been for a short while. He also seemed determined to get me out of the house, saying that Nate wouldn’t want me to be alone and he felt that it was his job. Colin had taken Nate’s death almost as bad as I did, I could only guess that this was his way of coping.

We pulled up in front of my favorite sushi place. It was hard to keep scowling when it was obvious they’d put a lot of thought into tonight. I got out of the car and tried to glare at Liam, but it was almost impossible to keep a straight face.

“I’m so glad you came.” Liam smiled.

“Oh, so you didn’t kidnap me and I’m free to go?”

A strong arm wrapped around my shoulders. “Aw, don’t be that way. We’re gonna have fun tonight,” Colin said.

“And I’m sure you have everything planned, right?” I asked.

“We figured we’d start with a dinner that doesn’t come from a takeout container and work up from there.”

I smiled, one of the few genuine smiles I’d been able to produce in a long time. The idea of dinner with friends was something to enjoy. “So, who’s paying?”

“Dinner’s on me,” Liam said.

“All right then, if you insist.”

Liam shook his head at me and led us into the restaurant. It had been so long, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d actually sat down and eaten a normal meal. We were seated immediately, but for the first time since I’d come to this place, I actually looked at the menu. I wanted something different than my usual. It seemed silly, but this could be my first night on the way back to living my life.

After trying to pick just one thing from the menu, we decided to order a selection and share them. For the first time in a long time I laughed freely. I told them about my upcoming cases, while Colin told us about his latest adventure in dating—boy, did he need lessons—to which Marissa promised to give him advice on how woman like to be treated.

Despite my initial reservations, I’d had a good time and by the time we left it was late. Since I didn’t need to be anywhere first thing, Liam promised we’d get my car in the morning, which was fine with me.

When we got back to the house I went right to my room and crashed. It had been a really long week and I was exhausted. The long hours I’d put in were beginning to take their toll. I lay down in bed and looked at the picture of myself and Liam as kids. It reminded me of a simpler time. A time when I didn’t have any worries or cares in the world.

Something startled me awake. I reached over to check the time on my phone. Nine forty-five. Wow. That was late, even for me. It took a few minutes for me to realize what had woken me in the first place. The doorbell rang again, followed by a loud knocking. I forced myself out of bed and went to see who was there. Peeking through the blinds, I saw a sight I hadn’t seen in five months. My heart raced and breathing became difficult as the air rasped in and out of my lungs. I needed to calm down before I opened the door to see what he wanted.

“I’ll be there in a minute,” I called through the door, then hurried back to my room to make myself presentable while I tried to figure out what he could possibly be doing here. A few minutes later, I was dressed, my hair and teeth brushed, and I was on my way back to the door. Placing my hand on the knob, I sucked in a deep breath before opening it. The last time I’d opened the door to a man in uniform, my world was turned upside down. Colin even made every effort not to wear his fatigues in front of me. The door swung open and there stood a solider, brown hair, blues eyes and very attractive. Our eyes connected and it was if we were frozen in place. Even if I’d wanted to I couldn’t look away. Embarrassed by my behavior, I forced my eyes away from his and shook my head to clear it.

Remembering my manners, I asked, “Hi, can I help you?”

“Yes, I’m looking for Mrs. Danielle Lewis,” he said.

I winced. “I’m Danielle, but I go by Renton now.” It was too painful to answer phones or sign documents with Nate’s last name. I knew it was selfish, but it was something I needed to do for me.

“Yes, ma’am. Sorry about that. I’m Sgt. Tanner Marano.” He reached out his hand to shake. “I was a member of your husband’s unit. I’m so sorry for your loss. Nate was a good guy.”

“Thank you, Tanner. Would you like to come in?”

“Yes, ma’am, thank you.”

“Don’t worry about the ma’am—just call me Danielle. Would you like to sit down?”

“Okay,” he agreed taking a seat on the couch.

“Can I get you something to drink?”

“No, thank you.” His knee beginning to bounce up and down.

I took the seat opposite him. “I have to apologize, I don’t remember you from the memorial service.”

“Don’t apologize. I wasn’t there. Unfortunately, I was needed in Germany when our three months were up. I was there for three more months. That’s why I’ve taken so long to get here.”

“What do you mean ‘get here’?”

“When we left, Nate gave me something to give to you…if something were to happen to him. I should’ve delivered it when the unit returned to base, but he also made me promise to deliver it myself, in person. So I’ve held onto it, waiting to be sent home to the states.”

There was a slight tremble throughout my body. What could Nate possibly have given him? The twist in the conversation had unwanted memories forcing their way to the forefront of my brain.

“Do you have it with you?”

“Yes.” He pulled a long, beat up envelope out of his pocket and handed it to me.