Letters Home (22 page)

I opened the next box and the picture at the top caught my attention. It was a younger Danielle and Nate at what appeared to be a prom. When I looked at that picture, I wondered if that Nate would have made the same choices if he’d known the final outcome. Either way, I doubted very much that this picture belonged in a box in the spare bedroom. Bracing myself, I stepped out the room and down the hall to Danielle’s room. Standing outside her door I could hear
Coldplay
coming from the speakers. I knocked once before I poked my head in. The sight that greeted me had me swallowing hard. In a simple sundress Danielle was gorgeous, but with her hair up and sweaty in shorts and a T-shirt she was sexy as hell. I took a deep breath, forcing my body to gain control of itself.

“Hey, I found a box I think was mislabeled,” I said, happy that my voice sounded normal.

“Wow, I wonder how that happened?” She turned her head slightly to look at me.

“I’ll take care of it, you keep working on those ones.”

“Thanks.” She smiled and went back to the box in front of her.

I moved over to the bed and started unpacking the box. It wasn’t necessarily weird to be helping her unpack her bedroom. Then again, it wasn’t the most comfortable thing either. There was that feeling again. The feeling that this was something we could be doing
together
. My insides twisted at the thought. Looking around the room I noticed that there were only a few boxes left. I knew there were two others left in the spare room, so this would all soon be over and I could head home and drown myself in a bottle. A few days away from her, that’s all I needed. Well, maybe not
all
I needed, but it would be a start.

Within minutes I had everything in the box put away. I set the picture up on the nightstand, next to the bed.

“All done. I’m gonna go finish up the other room.” Picking up the empty box, I started toward the door.

“Perfect,” she said, looking around the room and as she did, the smile on her face slid away, tears forming in her eyes. She tried to cover it up by plastering on a fake smile but I knew her too well to be fooled. She picked up a few items out of the box and walked over to her dresser, turning so I couldn’t see her face. There was something wrong. What could I have done?

Walking over to Danielle I noticed the slight shake to her shoulders. I dropped the empty box in my hand to turn her around to look at me.

“Danielle,” I whispered softly. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

She sniffled and the tears started to fall. “I haven’t…I haven’t…seen that picture…since Nate’s funeral.”

I looked over my shoulder at the picture I’d set on the nightstand. So that was the reason she’d had the picture in a box in the other room.

Idiot.

Taking her hand in mine I led her over to the bed and sat her down next to me. With one brief look at me, she leaned in and rested her head on my shoulder while she cried. I wrapped my one arm around her, lightly stroking her hair with the other. When she started to speak I froze, not wanting to overwhelm her so that she could get the words out. “That picture sat on my nightstand every night from the moment it was taken until the night we buried Nate. When I got home that I night, I picked up the picture and put it away.”

I started moving my hands again, leaning my head on top of hers. The feel of her in my arms like that was overwhelming, as was the realization that no matter how much I cared for Danielle, my friendship with her was all there would ever be. How could I tell her anything, when just one look at a photograph brought her to tears? As hard as it was, I sat there with her until the tears slowed but even when they finally stopped, she continued to sit in the comfort of my arms. It felt to perfect to have her there. Between the way her hair smelled and the feel of her warm body pressed against mine, it was getting to be too much to handle. I didn’t want to be a dick, but I had to get out of there soon.

“Are you okay?” I asked, the strain in my voice clear.

She sat up and watched me. “Yeah. I am now.”

“Good. I’m gonna go back and finish those last two boxes. I’ll take this and put it away in the other room.”

I stood and picked up the picture and I was almost to the door when she called my name. She gave me a shaky smile. “Thank you.”

I nodded and walked out the door.

The last two boxes were unpacked in less than ten minutes. Even knowing I was being an ass, I still had to get out of there to preserve some of my own sanity. Colin and Greg were still working on the boxes in the kitchen when I called out to them.

“Hey, I gotta go,” I said.

They both looked up from what they were doing.

“Is everything thing okay?” Colin asked, his attention returning to the box in front of him. Greg on the other hand was watching me.

“Yeah, I just have something I need to take care of.”

“Tanner?” Greg warned. It didn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out that Greg knew exactly what was bothering me.

“Forget about it, Greg. I’ll talk to you guys later.”

Before anyone could offer up another protest, I was out the door.

A few hours and a quarter bottle of Jim Beam later, I was still wallowing in my own self-pity. Although the alcohol had dulled some of the pain, I still couldn’t believe I’d walked out of there like I had. I was supposed to be a stronger person than that. Yet there I sat, bottle of bourbon in hand, trying to drown away my sorrows. There was something so self-serving about trying to drink your feelings away.

Spending so much time with her had brought me to this point. I wasn’t blaming her in any way, shape, or form. This was all on me. I’d made the decision and I could have walked away at any point, retaining my sanity. But I hadn’t. I’d chosen to stay, and this was the fallout. The thoughts of what I should do next were swirling around in my head, when there was a knock on the door. The fact that whoever it was had knocked meant it wasn’t Greg, which only left one person.

“Come in, it’s open,” I yelled, too lazy to get off the couch.

Colin walked in and sat down on the couch, watching me. “Dude, you smell like a bar. What the hell is wrong with you?”

I opened my mouth to tell him to go to hell when he stopped me.

“Scratch that. I know what’s wrong with you. What I wanna know is why you’re sitting here getting yourself piss-ass drunk instead of doing something about it?”

“And what would you like me to do?” My words had a slight slur to them. Was I really that drunk?

“Okay, drunk or not, I know you’re not that stupid. You need to tell her.”

“I can’t tell her. She’s got enough to deal with.”

Colin ran his hand through his hair. “She deserves to know—especially after you ran out of her place today without even saying good-bye.”

“It was too hard,” I said. “I sat there and comforted her while she cried over a picture of Nate…but all I wanted to do was kiss her.”

“So kiss her.”

I stopped moving and stared at him. “Do
what?
And I thought that I was the drunk one. You want me to just
kiss
her? Kiss Nate’s
widow?
”

“No, I want you to tell her how you feel about her and
then
kiss her.”

“How could I do that to Nate?”

He dropped his arms to his legs and stared at the floor, his voice low as he admitted, “Nate would want her to be happy.”

“And you think I can do that?”

“Oh, I know you do. You’re just too blinded by your own feelings to see it.”

“You didn’t see her tonight. She’s not ready to move on.”

“Most of her is, but there is a part of her that is going to need help. And that’s something I think you can help her with.”

“Yeah, but today—”

“Do you know what today is?”

I shook my head, probably not the best idea considering the amount of alcohol I consumed in the last few hours. The room continued to spin a little while after I stopped and I struggled to focus on Colin as he explained.

“Today is the anniversary of the day Nate asked her to marry him. One year ago today, man. That’s why she was so determined to move today. We figured she was trying to keep her mind off of it. It wasn’t the picture that upset her—it was everything it represents.”

Oh God! I was even more of an ass that I’d thought. No wonder she’d lost it. How could I have been so stupid? I should have known something was up when she was so adamant about getting an apartment and moving today. I’d been so caught up in my own feelings that I’d missed it.

“I didn’t know.” I leaned my head against the back of the couch and closed my eyes.

“I know. After you left, Greg told me what was going on with you. Marissa, Liam, and I made an agreement not to mention it unless she did. We didn’t want to upset her, but in all fairness we should have told you. I knew you were starting to have feelings for her. If I’d have known how strong they were I would have told you, to prepare you for today.”

“I’m an asshole.”

“No, you’re not. You’re a guy who cares about a girl who is a little bit broken. With all of the information, things would’ve been different.”

I lifted my head and looked at him. “What should I do? She probably doesn’t even want to talk to me now.”

“Actually, Greg covered for you pretty well—said you got called away for an emergency. She completely understood. What you need to do now, though, is tell her.”

My stomach clenched. Was I strong enough to face her rejection? Either way, it couldn’t hurt any worse than the rut we’d been stuck in. Something had to give and if I told her how I felt, at least the decision would be in her hands. “Okay, I’ll tell her, but you have to give me a day or two to figure out how.”

Colin gave a smile, the first since walking through my door. “A day or two I can give you, just don’t wait too long. Not just for her sake, but for yours too.”

“I won’t.”

“All right, man, I’m out. Greg’s waiting downstairs. I told him I wanted to talk to you alone, but we’re heading out. I’d invite you, but you look like you’ve already had your fair share, plus, you have a lot to think about.”

I had more than a lot to think about. “Yeah, man. Have fun. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

He nodded and left. After a couple of moments I dragged my butt off the couch to my bed. Lying in the dark I thought about what Colin had said. He’d known Danielle a lot longer than I had, and he thought I could make her happy. More than anything I hoped that was the case. I still felt like an ass. Had I’d known what today was I would have handled things so differently, but there was nothing I could do to change it. Now I just had to figure out a way to tell her.

All of the information whirling around, combined with the alcohol, was making my head spin. Unable to form any cohesive thoughts I let my eyes slip closed, hoping that an idea would come to me in the clear light of day.

When something new and unexpected crosses your path, do your best to accept what has been given to you.

It had been two days since I’d moved into the new apartment. The first night was the hardest, especially after seeing that picture. I’d avoided thinking about Nate almost the entire day. That had been my goal from the beginning. I’d figured if I was busy all day I’d be exhausted and then I’d easily crash when I went to bed that night. That wasn’t the case.