Letters Home (18 page)

“Have you been talking to anyone?”

“Not yet, but I’m going to take Chaplain Hayes up on his offer to sit and talk with me. Until then, I’m trying to channel my anger into something more useful. Specifically, my cases.”

“Cases?”

“Yeah, I’m family law attorney.”

“Wow, that’s impressive,” I said, taking a sip of my beer, hoping to change the subject, knowing that I couldn’t avoid the topic of that night forever. “How long have you been a lawyer?”

“I passed the bar back in May and I started this job a few weeks later.”

“That can’t be an easy job.”

“I highly doubt your job is easy either.” Little did she know how true that statement was.

“Well, right now it is. I’m on the training rotation, so it’s my job to teach all of the fresh recruits about in-field practices, which is so different to what they teach at the academy.”

There was a short lull while she stopped to take a sip of her drink, and I found myself staring at her lips wrapped around the straw. Luckily, I managed to tear my eyes away just as she began talking again. “Yeah, I can see how that would be the case. It’s the same for law school. What you learn in the classroom is only a small fraction of what you need to know to survive in a courtroom. How long do you stay on that rotation?”

“Well, normally it’s only a few weeks, but since I spent all of that time in Germany, they want me to show the recruits what I learned from the doctors and nurses there.”

It was so easy to talk to her and we fell into an easy conversation. Apart from the brief moment where I left her to get us another drink, there were no uncomfortable silences, which only confirmed what I’d known from the beginning—under better circumstances, we’d be friends. There was just no way around it. I could actually feel it starting to happen already. It may have happening sooner since we were now bonded for life by a single letter. The only problem was the fact that she didn’t know about my own guilt from the night Nate died.

“What about you? Have you tried any cases in court yet?”

The smile she gave me told me that I’d asked the right question. She liked talking about her work. “My first court case just finished last Friday.” My heart sunk as I considered the possibility that I’d had a hand in ruining the excitement she’d had at being in court for the first time, but I buried it as quickly as it came. Danielle deserved not to have to deal with that stuff anymore. She had enough on her plate.

“I was able to get full custody for my client. But in fairness, the father didn’t have a whole lot going for him.” She smiled and then fell silent, her fingers picking at the label on one of my empty bottles of beer.

“Thank you for listening to me yesterday, and thank you for bringing the letter from Nate.” Her eyes stayed focused on mine, and there was a warmth in them that I hadn’t seen before and that made me realize it was time Danielle heard the truth about what happened the night Nate died.

“Danielle, can we go somewhere else and talk? I think there are some things you need to know.”

“Sure,” she said, starting to fidget with the strap of her wallet.

Looking around, I tried to find Colin and Greg to let them know we were leaving but when I couldn’t see them immediately, I pulled out my phone and sent a quick text to both of them, letting them know that I’d make sure Danielle got home safely.

“I’m not sure where they are but I sent them a text. Where did you want to go?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “There’s a small diner a few minutes from here. They’re open twenty-four hours and by the look on your face, I have a feeling I’m going to need comfort food.”

“Do you mind if I drive?”

“That’s fine. Colin picked me up earlier so I don’t have my car.”

Comfort food was not likely going to help in this situation. I’d be lucky if she didn’t try to hit me by the end of the night. This was something that she needed to know.

Even if it meant she ended up hating me.

Sometimes facing your demons with others can help you both heal.

“We need to talk.”

The words rattled around in my brain as we drove to the diner. There was something Tanner wanted to tell me, and I could tell by the expression on his face it wasn’t something I was going to like. My hands started to sweat and I tried to discreetly rub my palms on my jeans. My eyes to kept drifting to Tanner. The taut lines around the edge of his jaw made the butterflies in my stomach do flips and even not knowing him that well, I could still feel the tension radiating from every part of his body. It was almost tangible and that made me nervous.

Within minutes we pulled into the parking lot and made our way into the diner. There weren’t many people inside so we were quickly seated at a booth in the back, which was nice since it would give us privacy. Tanner sat with his back straight as a rod, looking everywhere but at me. The waitress came over with glasses of water and offered to take our orders. I started with a simple cup of coffee, not sure I could stomach anything to eat at the moment, and Tanner ordered the same. The silence continued while we waited for the waitress to bring back our drinks and when I reached out to pick up my cup to take a sip the shaking in my hands was evident. Tanner noticed it because his gaze settled there.

“I’m sorry, I’m making you nervous. I just don’t know where to begin,” he said his gaze moving to mine for the first time since we’d sat down.

“Why don’t you start at the beginning?” I suggested.

He swallowed hard and nodded. “It all started in the morning, when they put together a team for a patrol in one of the more difficult areas. There was always at least one medic on each patrol.”

I knew this whole conversation had to do with what happened to Nate, and even though I didn’t want to hear it, I sensed that this was something Tanner needed to say. For the burden Nate had put on him with that letter, I felt like I needed to listen to him. His eyes became unfocused almost as if he were there, reliving it.

“My patrol had come back late the night before so we were automatically disqualified, and Greg’s team was already out. But the medic they’d assigned was on his first tour, so I volunteered to go with them. It’s hard being a new medic in the field, especially when so much of what you learn isn’t in the classroom. They denied my request, saying that the patrol would be fine and that my reaction times would be compromised because of my lack of rest.”

The conversation had my stomach in knots.

“About an hour after they left we got a radio signal. They were under fire.” His eyes began to fill with tears and I could feel his pain as if it were my own as I swallowed against the lump in the back of my throat, bracing for what he was going to say next.

“They sent in reinforcements but it was too late, Nate had already been hit. The medic tried to save his life. There was nothing they could do.” The tears spilled over his lashes. “Maybe…maybe if I’d been there…maybe I could have saved him.”

Tanner’s shoulders slumped and I found myself getting up to take the seat next to him, the sight of him almost my undoing. This man, whom I had just met, was crying over the loss of my husband. Colin and I had talked after his return, and so I knew that Nate was killed instantly. It wouldn’t matter what medic had been present, Nate would still have died.

“Tanner,” I said quietly. When he looked up I could see my own grief reflected in his eyes and I realized that even though I harbored my own sorrow, this wasn’t about my feelings. “Nate was killed instantly. There was nothing that you could’ve done.”

His gaze dropped to the table. “Maybe—”

“Tanner, look at me.” When his eyes reached mine, I took his hand and squeezed. “You need to listen to me. I wish more than anything that Nate was still here, but there was nothing any of us could have done differently. Nate was killed by an insurgent’s gun and no amount of medical power—not even yours—would have saved him. Nate’s death will be with me for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t mean you have anything to feel guilty about. Nate wouldn’t want you to,” I said simply, letting the tears slide down my cheeks.

Tanner took a few deep breaths, trying to compose himself. It took an effort, but after a few moments he nodded. “That’s going to be hard for me to remember and accept, but I’ll do my best to try.”

“I understand. It’s hard for me to keep going, knowing he’s gone, and though there are days that I want to go back to hiding away, I know that’s not what Nate would want, so I try.”

There was silence again while Tanner looked like he was in deep thought. “Let’s make a pact.”

My brows drew together. “What kind of pact?”

“A pact for Nate. I’ll do my best to remind you there are things worth living for, and when I feel guilty you’ll remind me that there was nothing I could have done to save him.”

I thought about it for a minute. This was a chance to face my demons with the help of someone else. It’s not that I was alone because Marissa, Liam and Colin continually tried to make me see the light, but there was just something different about working through your problems with someone else. You could work through your own problems by helping someone else with theirs.

“Okay,” I said. “I think we can help each other.”

He reached his other hand out for me to shake on it. The moment I slipped my hand in his I could feel the warmth radiating from it. The smile was slow in coming, taking away the stress lines that had framed his face from the moment we left the bar. My own smile, one of the few genuine ones in a long time, answered his. We sat like that until it felt awkward to continue holding his hand so I let go, feeling the flush rise up my cheeks. Quickly, I moved back to my seat. Thankfully, whether intentional or not, Tanner took pity on me and decided to change the conversation.

“Should we call the waitress back and order something?”

“They do have some of the best pies and cakes around,” I said with a wink.

The dessert menus sat on table, behind the salt and pepper shakers, and I pulled them out, handing one to Tanner before glancing down the list myself. It didn’t take me long to decide on the Black Tower. It was a chocolate fudge cake with alternating layers of chocolate mousse and chocolate icing. The waitress, spotting our movements with her eagle eyes, made her way over to take our orders. She turned to me first.

“I’ll have the Black Tower,” I said.

Tanner scoffed. “You’re going to end up in sugar shock after eating that.

The waitress laughed and turned to Tanner. “And for you?”

“I’ll have the coconut cream pie.”

“You got it,” she said, and walked away.

“You talk about my taste in desserts. Coconut is disgusting,” I said with a fake little shiver.

“Yeah, well at least I won’t end up with diabetes after one bite.”

We sat there staring at each other, then at the same time we both burst out laughing. It felt good. It was the type of laughter that came from deep within your gut. The kind you had a hard time controlling. It had been a long time since I’d felt that.

By the time the waitress had brought over the plates, we’d gotten ourselves under control. That was, until Tanner saw the size of my piece of cake and he started laughing all over again. When he was finally able to stop we started eating the delicious sweetness in front of us, and while we ate, we talked. He was so easy to talk to. We talked about our high school years, and growing up in the north versus the south. Turns out Tanner grew up in Pennsylvania.

Mainly we talked about Nate: how we met, what he was like growing up. It was a good feeling to be able to chat about him without all of the pain that normally went along with it. Maybe it was because Tanner didn’t know us as a couple so all of the stories were new to him, or it could have been the lack of pity in his eyes. What I really thought was the fact that talking to Tanner was just different. He didn’t appear to analyze my mood based on what I said. He just listened. And that made all the difference in the world.

By the end of the night, I’d convince him to try a piece of my cake and had to laugh when he wanted another bite. He wanted me to taste his but there wasn’t enough money in the world to get me to eat coconut.

The time past quickly and soon it was time to head home. After we reached my house we traded numbers, promising to check on each other every so often to make sure we were both living up to our promises.