Letting Go (Healing Hearts) (2 page)

Trembling, she dropped the photo as if it were covered with acid.

“You all right? You look pale.”

She cleared her throat and pasted on what she hoped passed for a smile. “I’m fine. Baby pictures always make me cry.”

She stood and grabbed her jacket from the back of the chair. She struggled to pull it on.

Chuck stood. “Need help?”

She bit her lip and shook her head, then hastily reached under her seat for her purse. “Sorry, but I’ve got to go.”

“Let’s get together sometime.”

The pilot offered her his business card, just as Randy had done two years earlier. When his wife had been pregnant. The memory sent chills up her spine.

She peered at the card as if it were a snake, then hurried out before she started swearing or, worse, burst into tears
.

*   *   *

“Dave’s Corporate Consulting, how may I help you?”

“Dave, this is Nancy.”

“Who?” Dave Passel stopped hanging his shirts in his closet and focused.

“You know, Joey’s case manager.”

“Right. Of course.” He walked out of his bedroom. “Why are you calling?”

“Do you mind if I stop by today? I need to talk to you for a minute.”

Dave pinched the bridge of his nose. “I could swear I just saw you a couple of weeks ago.”

Nancy
chuckled. “That’s because you did. This is not for a regular home visit. I need to talk to you about something that has come up, and I’d rather meet in person.”

His heart clenched. Icy fingers of fear jabbed his chest. She must have bad news. Why else would Joey’s case manager call unexpectedly and need to meet with him in person?

“Can you give me an hour? I haven’t showered yet, and I still need to get Joey dressed and feed him his breakfast.”

“Sure. I can wait. Thanks for agreeing to meet with me on such short notice. Bye.”

“Bye.”

He turned off his cell phone and stared at the painting of a young man who had fallen to his knees in front of Jesus. Something didn’t feel right. Though Nancy sounded cheerful, the tension he heard in her voice suggested she wasn’t looking forward to sharing the news.

Dave contemplated the painting. Jesus held the young man up, and his head rested against the Savior’s chest. Was God trying to reassure him by drawing his attention to the illustration?

Whatever the news, he knew it had something to do with Joey. Nancy had told him on the phone last week that she’d hear back from the court soon about whether or not Joey would be legally free for adoption.

What if something had gone wrong? He’d do whatever it took to keep his son, even hire an attorney if he must.

Jesus, please calm my heart.

“Daddy!”

Joey’s voice echoed down the stairs. When he had a need, he didn’t hesitate to make it known.

Dave combed his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath. He refused to worry. Exhaling, he sprinted up the spiral stairs, taking two steps at a time.

“Hang on, Daddy’s coming.”

*   *   *

Several times on the drive back to Idaho from Seattle, Diane had to pull over and blow her nose. To make matters worse, the setting sun beamed through her windows and reflected in her rearview mirror, blinding her and intensifying her headache. She didn’t know how she’d make it home, but tonight she wanted to sleep in her own bed.

She started to nod off, then jerked the wheel to stay on the road. Adrenaline shot through her veins as her heart slammed against her ribs. Taking a deep breath, she turned on a classical music station in an effort to stay awake. The droning violins worked on her mind like a lullaby. Cranking the window open to let in the frigid air helped, but still wasn’t enough to keep her from swerving again.

She finally decided to look for a place to spend the night before she killed herself or someone else by falling asleep at the wheel. Her stomach rumbled. She searched the highway for a place to eat. About a mile ahead she spotted a road sign indicating lodging and meals—the only one she’d noticed in the past hour—so she pulled off the road.

She parked and took a deep breath, wiping her nose one last time before she exited her Mercedes. Tossing her hair over her shoulder, she adjusted her jacket. Someone whistled behind her, but she didn’t turn to look.

Peering in the window of the restaurant, she noted mostly men inside. Talking to a man in her current state would be disastrous. Before she’d met Randy, she would sometimes seek comfort in a strong man’s arms.

If she entered the diner, she could take her pick. But that wouldn’t fix her problems any more than it had the other times.

She needed a miracle, but couldn’t see any possibility of one happening. Exhaustion and heartache threatened to swallow her up.

What was she going to do?

Chapter 2

 
T
he mouth-watering scent of meatloaf and gravy wafted in the cool evening air. With a frustrated groan Diane ignored her growling stomach and walked toward the main office of the motel.

As she rounded the corner she saw her ex-boyfriend, Dr. Kenneth Perjeux, climbing the motel stairs to the second floor. She watched him enter a room.

What was he doing here? She doubted he was having a rendezvous with a prostitute. That wasn’t his style.

She pressed her fingers to her lips when the realization hit her. “I can’t believe my luck,” she whispered.

Her dark day brightened, filling her with indescribable energy. She felt almost manic with giddiness and relief.

Someone in her office had mentioned that Ken’s girlfriend had broken up with him last week. Maybe he was still reeling from the breakup and just wanted to get away. Maybe he’d welcome her company tonight.

Maybe he’d want her again.

While she went through the motions of checking in and settling in her room, she devised a plan. She’d talk to him about Randy, and then he might offer her the comfort she desired. Maybe she could comfort him. It wouldn’t be the first time they’d turned to each other when hurting.

And if one thing led to another and Ken slept with her, he might believe the baby was his. He would marry her because he was a decent guy. He’d always talked about wanting to be a father. Maybe she could give him that chance.

At least she knew Ken was available, and he wouldn’t leave her. Or cheat on her. They’d known each other for too many years and had simply drifted apart. She trusted Ken.

She put on a low-cut, virtually see-through white silk blouse and the short, black leather skirt Randy had given her on her last birthday. She unbuttoned her top as far as she could to show off her cleavage, but without looking too desperate.

Quickly refreshing her makeup, she applied waterproof cobalt-blue mascara to her lashes. The shade brought out the golden hue circling her green irises. The new tube of pink lipstick she applied was guaranteed not to kiss off. She hadn’t needed to test it before, but tonight she planned to give it a thorough one. After one last glance in the mirror, she checked her purse to make sure she had her key.

This is your chance. Don’t screw it up.

She clutched the handrail as she ascended the stairs to his room. Willing herself not to tremble, she focused on the pleasure her encounter with Ken might bring. Fleeting pleasure maybe, but tangible, and something to give her hope.

Guilt knotted her throat. She knocked and waited, clenching her hands to keep them from shaking. Although she hated to deceive Ken, she didn’t know what else to do. She swallowed hard, mentally rehearsing what she’d say.

I should’ve seen the signs. Now I’m doing something worse by dragging a friend into this mess. I hope he doesn’t hate me if he finds out. I hope I don’t hate myself. I can’t believe I’m—

Ken opened the door. His eyebrows shot up.

“Diane?”

Stepping toward him, she released the air she’d sucked in when he opened the door. He looked so good with his shirt clutched in his fist, his bare chest reminding her of how good they’d once been together.

He stepped aside. She offered a shy smile and entered the room, blinking away the tears filling her eyes.

“You alone?”

He peered closer, his gaze settling on her face. “Have you been crying?”

She froze. She hadn’t expected kindness.

Stepping past him as he shut the door, she sighed. “I was at a conference in Seattle and stopped to get some rest on my way back home.” Turning, she glanced at him from under lowered lashes and pouted. “I’m simply exhausted.”

He stared at her, his expression unreadable.

Easing onto his bed, she crossed her ankles and leaned back on her hands. “I couldn’t drive for another minute, not even if I had to.” Her attention shifted and lingered on his mouth. “Why are you here?”

Avoiding eye contact, Ken said, “I needed to get away. Katia and I broke up.”

Her voice lowered to a whisper, “Want company tonight?”

Cocking his head to the side, he studied her. “It’s been a long time. Why now?”

Come play with Daddy. You make Daddy so happy.

“Diane? Are you there?”

She blinked. Where had that memory come from?

Ken frowned. “Hello?”

“Don’t tease me.” She wiped a tear from her cheek with the back of her hand and sat up. “I’m really upset right now. I just found out Randy’s married.”

“Randy . . . the pilot? Did he tell you?”

“Would you?” She frowned. “On second thought, don’t answer that.”

His posture grew rigid.

“I had a conversation with this guy at a coffee shop in Seattle. He talked about Randy’s wife and their baby and even showed me a picture.” She inhaled deeply and let out a shaky breath. “There’s no doubt in my mind. It was him.”

“Wow, that’s rough.” His eyes revealed sympathy, but he made no move to console her.

She angled her head and gazed up at him, nibbling on her lower lip. “Why do I end up with married men? You know I don’t want that. I never want that.”

Ken just stood there and listened.

Choking on tears, she cried, “Do I have an invisible sign over my head that says, ‘I’ll only take you if you’re married?’ ”

He crossed his arms over his broad chest, his shirt still clutched in his hand. “Maybe you should find out more about a guy’s background before you fall for him.”

His tone sounded matter of fact, not snarky or insulting.

“I know you’re not married.” She batted her eyelashes and gave him what her mother called “the look.”

His gaze drifted to her mouth and lingered. Her heart pounded. He was actually considering her offer. She let her gaze slide from his face to the dark hair on his chest.

As if he’d suddenly snapped out of a trance, Ken straightened and pulled on his shirt.

Standing, she whispered, “Wait. Don’t do that.”

Again, he avoided eye contact and stepped back.

“Please, Ken, just let me stay the night.”

“I’m a Christian. I won’t fall for that now.”

“Why should it matter? You’re lonely and so am I. We used to be so good together.” She managed an uncertain smile. “Remember?”

He turned away. “You’re a beautiful woman, but I can’t. You know I love Katia. I won’t do that to her.”

She stared at his back, stunned by his refusal.

Daddy likes that . . . hmmm . . . Let’s play another game.

A sudden chill made her shudder. As if watching from a distance, she mentally replayed her attempt to seduce Ken. A wave of nausea washed over her, and the déjà vu feeling made her want to bolt from the room.

Blinking back tears, she covered her mouth and sobbed, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here.”

She rushed from his room and darted down the stairs. Her hands trembled as she attempted to slip the electronic key in her door, but it failed to open.

Pounding on the door with her fist, she growled, “Stupid door!”

Wrapping her arms around her abdomen, she leaned her hip against the frame while tears streamed down. After several minutes she swiped her palm over her wet face and tried again.

This time the green light flashed. She shoved the door open, rushed inside, and slammed it behind her. Falling onto the bed, she curled into a fetal position and sobbed.

Why doesn’t anyone love me? What’s wrong with me?

After crying a while, she released an exhausted moan and finally drifted off to sleep.

*   *   *

She awoke before dawn, wondering where she was. Then she remembered.

Her throat ached with renewed regret for her actions. The urge to leave the motel and go home where she could crawl into bed grabbed hold. Collecting her things, she checked out.

Three hours later, she threw her keys on the entry table in the foyer of her condo. She didn’t even remember how she got there.

Shrugging out of her leather blazer, she tossed it at the coat tree, but missed. Her jacket fell to the floor. Not bothering to pick it up, she grabbed her purse, walked into the kitchen, and plopped on a stool at the breakfast bar.

She’d all but given up hope of having a biological child when she’d been diagnosed with endometriosis ten years ago. And now, when the impossible had happened and she’d finally conceived, the baby’s father turned out to be a lying, cheating jerk.

Scrolling through the address book in her Blackberry, she tried to locate the phone number of her gynecologist. She needed to schedule an appointment for prenatal care.

Being a single mom would be hard, but she’d make the best of it. It just seemed so unfair.

Why did you lie to me, Randy? You said you loved me. Didn’t your words mean anything? Have the past two years been nothing but a lie?

A frustrated growl erupted. She pounded the counter with her fist and swore.

When she reached for the phone, she noticed the light on her answering machine flickering, and pushed the button.

“Diane, how are you? Are we still on for next weekend? I’ve got tickets to the symphony. Can’t wait to see you. Love you. Bye.”

She had difficulty thinking through the fog in her brain. Randy’s message echoed in her head, sounding ten times louder than usual.

Love you. Bye.

Panic made her lungs constrict. She felt so trapped. Although getting an abortion would certainly fix her problem, she refused to kill her baby now that she’d finally conceived. Not after all those procedures and the emotional pain she’d suffered thinking she’d never have a child.

But she’d hoped to raise her baby in a secure home. Now her child wouldn’t have that chance. Anger consumed her like a raging fire, the flames licking at her heart until it melted under the heat.

Grabbing the answering machine, she screamed, “How could I be so stupid?”

She hurled it at the floor, and it hit with a crash, scattering pieces in all directions. Elation washed over her at having utterly destroyed the stupid machine that had recorded Randy’s voice. But the high soon faded in another cloud of despair.

Daddy was right. I am stupid, or I would’ve seen the signs.

Maybe if she hadn’t come on so strong at the hotel last night, Ken would have slept with her. Then at least her baby would have had a father, even if it was based on a lie. Ken would have been the perfect man to raise her child.

She buried her face in her hands. Fate had brought Ken right to her, and she’d almost had him. She’d seen the spark of desire lighting his eyes. What had she done wrong?

He’d always been willing to meet her needs in the past—when they were both lonely. But then he had to get uptight and find religion.

She wept as she picked the pieces of the broken answering machine off the floor. Angry at herself for being so naïve, she vowed to make the best of her situation and somehow endure the humiliation. Her baby might not have a father, but she’d make sure he or she felt loved.

But the sting of Ken’s rejection still hurt. “Why did you have to go and find that stupid religion? You were my last hope.”

She found it sadly ironic that all her life people had told her they envied her. They thought being wealthy and beautiful had to be wonderful, as if that meant she couldn’t have any real problems. But being attractive and successful hadn’t helped her at all. She was still stuck—pregnant and unmarried—and wondering how she’d allowed herself to get into such a mess.