Letting Go (Healing Hearts) (5 page)

Chapter 5

 
N
ausea gripped Diane as she faded in and out of semi-consciousness. Sirens screamed in the distance. Someone jostled her and tapped her face.

“Diane, wake up.” Another gentle tap. “We’ll be at the hospital in just a few minutes.”

Her heart sped up, while her world continued to spin without mercy. The voice sounded vaguely familiar. She squinted and saw the blurry face of a man.

Randy?

Her eyes closed. His voice sounded distorted, as if she were underwater.

“I left my wife for you. Please don’t die on me now. Not after I did this for us.”

He left his wife? No.

Surely, she must be dreaming. He wouldn’t do that, would he? She didn’t want that. She struggled to speak, but her mouth felt stuffed with cotton. Her head throbbed, so she quit trying.

She squinted again and saw several faces hovering over her. Someone forced open her eyelids, and a bright penlight shone into her eyes. A vicious headache pierced her skull.

Groaning, she turned her head away from the light, but the halo effect and pain lingered, pounding like a hammer. A strange floating sensation took over reality.

“One, two, three, go!” Someone lifted her body and laid her down on a stretcher.

Another wave of nausea swept over her, worse than before. Everything spun as if she was on a carousel, and the horrible cramping in her stomach increased the need to vomit. Sweat formed on her brow. Everything felt hot, but the chill in the air made her shudder.

She heard a door slam. A man crouched down beside her, holding her hand. His warm breath heated the side of her face as he kissed her cheek.

“Please. You need to be strong. When you pull out of this, promise me you’ll never do this to yourself again. Nothing is worth killing yourself over. Not even me. Please stay with me.”

She tried to speak but only pitiful groaning sounds emerged.

She heard a choked sob. The man pressed his head against her chest, his tears soaking her blouse.

Randy wept for her? But he’d used her. She didn’t want him crying over her. He needed to be with his family. He needed to go back home.

*   *   *

Diane had no clue how long she’d been unconscious. Gradually the ceiling’s pocked tiles came into focus, and she inhaled the pine scent of floor cleaner.

Somehow she’d survived. She wasn’t certain that was a good thing.

When she turned her head, she saw a pitcher of water and a glass on the table beside her bed. Her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth. She needed a drink badly, but when she reached for the pitcher, a restraint stopped her.

Panic gripped her. Someone had strapped her wrists. The slack allowed enough movement for her to push the nurse’s call button, but she couldn’t reach her other hand or scratch her nose when it itched. She tried to tug free and whimpered when her efforts were thwarted.

A rustling sound came from the other side of her bed. The familiar masculine scent of musk aftershave tickled her nostrils, making her heart pound with recognition.

“Diane? Thank God you’re finally awake. You scared the daylights out of me. Don’t do that to yourself ever again! You’ve been unconscious for a couple of days. I thought you’d never wake up.”

Randy touched her cheek and drew her face toward him. He appeared to be real and not an apparition. Her chest squeezed, making it difficult for her to breathe.

Go away, Randy. Stop touching me. I don’t want to see you or smell you . . .

She stiffened as his hand guided her head. “Why are you here?”

His light brown eyes softened, and he offered a tentative smile. “I wanted to see you, but I had to wait for my time off. I knew calling on the phone would be a waste of time, so I went to your house. Remember? You gave me a key. I just let myself in and found—”

Breaking off, he took her hand in his. When he spoke, his voice caught. “I found you on the floor passed out, with an empty bottle of pills by your head. You’re lucky to be alive.”

She groaned and pulled her hand free, turning away to avoid his gaze. “Why didn’t you let me die?”

“Why would you want that, Di? We’re so good together. I—”

“Why did you come to see me? I said I’d tell your wife about us. Don’t you even care?”

“That’s what I was trying to tell you when you hung up on me. We split up. She already knew about us. I’m not sure how she found out, but that’s okay because now we can be together. I love you, Diane.”

His tender gaze sought reassurance she refused to give him. He leaned to kiss her, and she jerked her head away.

Against her will, tears trickled down her cheeks. “Well, I don’t . . . ” Clearing her throat, she tried again. “I don’t love you anymore, and now that I know the truth . . . I never will.”

His eyes widened. “But
—
”

“You should have told me you were married, Randy,” she said, her voice shaking.

“I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

She glared at him. “Well, you did.” She inhaled and let out a shaky breath, her chin quivering. “You really did.”

“I love you,” he whispered and stroked her cheek.

Her treacherous eyes betrayed her and filled again. She squeezed them shut and shook her head.

“No, you don’t love me. You only love yourself.”

Another tear rolled down her cheek. He wiped it away with the pad of his thumb.

Her voice cracked. “And you used me.”

“Oh, Di, that’s not true. I love you. I love you so much, I
—
”

She forced herself to look him in the eyes. “You love me? What about your baby?”

He flushed and looked away.

“Why, Randy? Why abandon your family for me? How can you leave your little girl?”

He met her gaze with anguished silence, his eyes glistening with tears.

A lump formed in her throat. Her heart softened at the sight of his pain, but she turned her head away, determined to keep her promise to herself.

Randy’s daughter had lost her father because of their relationship. A shudder wracked her spine as he stroked her tenderly, his hand gliding down her arm.

I have to make him go away. I can’t waste another tear. I can’t love him. I can’t—

Blocking out the sensation of his hands, she hardened her heart to granite and stared at him. He leaned forward and cupped her face, stroking her cheeks with his thumbs the way he used to do after they made love. When he told her he adored her.

His voice deepened. “I love you, Di. Please forgive me.”

She wanted to scream, but stuffed the ache and embraced her anger instead. Glaring back, she greeted him with frost. He moved away, his expression falling.

Good. Now he’s starting to realize I’m serious.

She locked her eyes onto his. “I don’t want you in my life anymore. I refuse to be the reason your marriage failed.” Her voice hitched. “Go back to your wife and child. They need you. I don’t. You’re wasting your time here.”

For several minutes he remained rooted to his chair. She inhaled, then exhaled with an exaggerated sigh and tried again, gritting her teeth.

“Randy, look at me. We’re through.”

He continued to stare at her with longing, looking wounded. She clenched her hands to keep from wrapping them around his neck, restraints or not.

“It’s too late for us. Look at you! You’re pathetic. I don’t trust you, and I won’t change my mind. I’ll never trust you. Never. So just go. Please! Go home and be a father to your child. Tell your wife you’ll seek counseling. I don’t care how you do it, Randy, but you need to get your family back.”

Flinching as if she’d slapped him, he opened his mouth to speak, then snapped it shut.

“Please . . . please, just go.” She turned her face away.

After what seemed like hours, she heard his chair scrape the floor. He swore, then stormed out of the room without looking back.

Her throat knotted, she turned her head and watched him walk out of her life.
Now I really am alone. No one cares. I’ve driven away the only person who might have loved me.

After several moments she heard someone enter the room. Still reeling from the pain, she looked up, wishing everyone would leave her alone.

Ken approached her bed wearing a white lab coat, a concerned look etched on his face. “Glad to see you’re finally awake. Was he the one you told me about—Randy?”

Her eyes narrowed. “Yeah. How’d you guess?”

Ken shrugged. “He’s been pining away for you since you got here yesterday. He looked pretty upset just now.” He slipped the pen he held into the pocket of his lab coat.

“I don’t care. Can you believe he left his wife and child for me? I told him to go back to his wife, that I refuse to be responsible for the breakup of his family.”

“Good for you.”

“Yeah. Good for me.” She studied him, her eyes stinging. “I’m sorry about the other night.”

He strode past her bed to the window and stared outside. She braced herself for the worst.

“I forgive you,” he said after a moment. “No hard feelings. Let’s forget about it, okay?”

She licked her dry lips. “Really? You mean you’ll forgive me just like that?”

He turned to look at her, compassion in his eyes. “When I became a Christian, Jesus forgave me, so how can I refuse to forgive others? Besides, I know that underneath your tough-girl image lies a very caring person who just made some bad choices. I want to support you as a friend. That doesn’t mean I want to consider being more than friends or anything like that. Katia and I are back together, and we’ll be getting married in a few months. In fact, I think she wants to talk to you about our wedding.”

Diane swallowed hard. “Do you think you can ever trust me again?”

He came to the bed. “I believe so. By the way, Katia plans to visit you later today. It’s okay with me if you want to help her with our wedding. She’s very grateful you helped her to get her son back, and so am I.” His warm smile reached her heart.

“Katia has forgiven me too? But how can she, knowing about our past and about what happened between me and Benny?” At thought of her relationship with Katia’s late husband four years earlier, before his death, Diane choked on her words. “Is that even possible—especially now that you’re planning to marry her?”

“She’ll tell you about it if you ask her. God has done amazing things in her life. You remind me a lot of Katia. When I first met her she was angry and afraid too.”

He paused, his eyes scanning her face. “Then she learned to trust in God, and eventually in other people. It’ll be risky, but it’s worth it. Talk to her about it when she comes to see you.”

Diane looked down. “Okay. I think I will.”

Ken lowered his voice. “You should know that I never said anything to her about the hotel. I didn’t see the point. Nothing happened so I have nothing to confess.”

Her eyes burned, and she offered a wistful smile. “I wish I had a man like you, Ken.”

“Diane—”

“I know, I know—that’s not an option. I didn’t mean it as a proposition, believe me.” She tried to laugh it off, blinking away the moisture on her lashes. “I’ve learned my lesson there. I’m done with trusting men. All men except you.”

“Please, don’t even go there.” His firm voice set an invisible boundary.

“I . . . I just meant that I wish I could talk freely with a man and have him care more about me than he does about himself. You’re the only man I know who truly fits that description.” She sighed. “You’re a wonderful man, Ken.”

He smirked. “I’m not so sure about that.”

“Maybe someday I’ll meet a man like you. At least you were honest with me when we were together. You didn’t have a wife waiting in the wings. I’m sorry we drifted apart.”

When he tensed, she said hastily, “Seriously. Thanks for your support. It’s okay. I’ve given up trying to win you back. I know you love Katia, and I’m sorry I almost ruined your chances with her. I really would like to see her so I can apologize for the pain I’ve caused her. She didn’t deserve any of it.”