Libera Me (8 page)

Something major.

“You’re not going there again, Zane. I won’t let you.”

“Go away, Cass.” I’m tired of her interference. “I won’t let something happen to Nesy. We talked about this already.”

“I’ll turn you in myself, Zane. If you do this, I won’t protect you.”

I don’t care about her threats. “Do what you must.”

Before she can respond, I step through the portal. Aydan’s energy is frantic. In his thoughts, a picture of Nesy fighting him, rage painted in her expression—the same rage she held during the attack. I search his thoughts to find Nesy.

Home.

Without thinking, I follow his thoughts to Nesy’s home. The house looks quiet when I climb from the vortex in the space between her house and the thick forests that surround it. I center my thoughts and search.

But there is nothing to feel, nothing to sense. Only my own apprehension.

Something crunches behind me. It’s faint at first, followed by three more similar crunching sounds, each one a little softer.

I spin, my heart pounding too hard against my ribs. My world has become scarier in the months since Nesy was taken; the months since I lost the ability to see the angels and demons, the UnHoly. Azza.

Scarier and harder.

Maybe Cass is right, maybe I am nothing more than a liability now.

A silhouette climbs through the dense woodlands ahead of me. I follow, begging the figure to be her. The air is filled with a desperation that ripples my wings. I speed up my pace, soon walking along side of her. 

Her features are so different from the Nesy I know. Her skin no longer shimmers with gold. Her hair no longer looks kissed by the sun. And her eyes…her eyes no longer reach into the depths of my soul, connecting us.

She has changed.

It’s still you though, isn’t it?

Nesy throws a glance in my direction before changing her pace and orientation. She quickly meanders away from me, almost as though she can sense my presence. I close the distance, anticipating her moves. I refuse to lose her in the woods, especially with night descending and no ability to know if something hunts her, hunts us both.

Again she risks a quick look toward me.

And again she changes her path.

Can you see me?

I stay in pursuit, allowing the distance between us to grow. I don’t want to scare her, not after everything she’s endured.  

She tosses another look in my direction before making her ascent through the forest. She mumbles, the words impossible to make out.

But not the anguish. Or the pain.

They bleed into her voice, coating the air. She is so afraid. So confused. I want to calm her thoughts as I used to, help her remember how to focus her mind.

I continue to follow as she changes direction twice more before turning fast, startling me.

“Stop following me,” she yells. Her voice is so much like Nesy’s—bossy, strong, defiant.

 I collapse the distance, now curious.

“I said stop following me!”

Her eyes widen, moving from my face to my wings to my feet.

The air grows still as she swallows hard. “You aren’t real.” Her hand reaches to the winged charm and twirls it. Tears spring forth in her eyes. “I’m imagining this. All of it.”

My mind screams to remain silent, to step away from her and let her believe that I’m nothing more than a dream. But my needs outweigh my thoughts.

“What if you’re not dreaming?” I can’t keep myself from speaking with her. “What if I’m real?”

She bristles with my words, the tears spilling onto her cheeks. “This isn’t real. This isn’t real.” Her words repeat over and over.

I step closer, brushing the tears away with my hand. “It’s me, Nesy. Zane.”

“My name is Vanessa.”

“Technically it’s Nesayiel. But you’ve never liked that name.”

She clenches her jaw, biting back the fear I see lodged in her eyes. “I’m Vanessa,” she says through gritted teeth. “And you are not real.” She grabs her arm between her two fingers and pinches herself, turning her skin an angry red. “Wake up,” she mumbles. “Wakeupwakeupwakeup!”

“You are awake and I am real.” I know I’m pushing too hard. But I can’t stop. Not now.

I reach out and touch her cheek again, sending a shudder through her. She furrows her brow and takes a step back. The color drains from her face as panic seeps into every pore.

“You don’t have to be afraid. We’re friends. Or at least, we were.”

She shakes her head, still stepping away from me.

“Before you came into this life. Try to remember.” I close the space between us again, ignoring the turmoil spreading through us.

What if it isn’t her?
Cass’s voice radiates through me.

I stare at Nesy, noting every detail of her eyes. They hold an unfamiliar fear, now. Panic. Inhaling a deep breath, I close my eyes, focusing on my senses that no longer work. Vanilla and smoke fill my nose. So much like Nesy.

And yet, so different.

Is it you?

“Nothing but a trickster.”
 That’s what Mikayel called the demonic smoke. A trickster.

Are you here to trick me now? Trick Aydan?

“No!” Nesy’s voice pulls me from my doubts. “No! You aren’t real. I won’t accept this.”

“I can prove it to you.” The words pour out too fast. My pulse quickens as I step even closer. “Let me heal your mind, just like I used to whenever you were overwhelmed. Please.”

She edges back, trembling. “You’re not real,” she whispers. “Not. Real.”

Tears fill her eyes again as she turns from me. I need to calm her mind, show her who she really is; I need to prove to myself that my fantasies are true.

Without waiting for permission I seep into her thoughts. Everything is muddled, confused. There are no memories of Celestium and the Council, nothing of me or Cass. Just like before, she has nothing of that life.

But there are holes in her current memories too; unexplained missing pieces. Nothing of the ways she fought off the attackers, nothing of the dreams and nightmares I saw the other night. Only the scared ramblings of a little girl, weak and afraid.

This is wrong, so very wrong.

Nesy screams as I leave her thoughts, her confusion mirroring my own. I have no explanation for her thoughts save one; the demonic smoke took far more than my memories when it revived Nesy. It took her—everything that made her Nesy, everything that made her a Sentinal, my friend, an angel—all gone.

She’s no more than a mortal shell now, an empty vessel waiting to be shaped by the world. Or worse, shaped by the demonic smoke.

Maybe even Azzaziel himself.

Was that the plan all along?

Nesy steps back, turns and runs through the forest toward her house. I watch her silhouette shrink from me, growing smaller and smaller until the night swallows her.

My mind erupts in a frantic chaos and I drop to my knees. Images form from the confusion, splattering across my vision.

Fire and ash.

The fall of Celestium and the enslavement of humanity.

My brethren set aflame.

It is a future set into motion because of me. My vision blurs as the pictures overwhelm my senses. My pulse roars too loud in my ears and I begin to shake.
Mea culpa
, I say over and over.
Mea culpa. Mea Culpa.

Nesy is in danger now. Aydan—in danger.

Maybe all of us.

Because of me.

Only me.

Chapter 11 – PROMISE

Aydan

The walls shake as the pounding on my door continues. “Coming,” I yell. “Coming.”  I open the door, startled. Nessa stands in front of me, her eyes half crazed. She looks like she did at the gym—lost in some distant memory.

“Nessa?”

She throws her arms around my neck and pulls me to her. Our lips meet as she melts into me. I inhale her anguish, her pain, her fear. For a moment I feel the familiar craving I refuse to acknowledge. I push against her, forcing her to stop.

“Nessa,” I growl, barely able to control myself. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” she whispers through a ragged breath. “I need you.” Her lips meet mine again, riddled with desperation. I want to lose myself in her, lose myself in this moment.

“No.” The words scrape along my throat. I pull myself away from her. “We can’t. Not like this.”

She stares at me, blinking. Her eyes cloud over and she turns, heading back out of the door.

“Nessa, wait.” I grab her arm. “I didn’t say you had to leave. Stay.” She stops moving. The air crackles between us.

I feel her take a heavy breath.

And another.

Everything seems to move in slow motion as she turns and looks at me. In that brief moment, I see Nesy in her eyes, the blue oceans pushing deep into my soul. My body quivers. She collapses any space between us. Her eyes close and our lips softly brush. A moan escapes me before I can stop it. Again she teases my lips with hers.

It feels so familiar. Images spring to life against my eyelids. Another time with Nesy, another place.

A church and courtyard.

A fountain and statue.

Promises of a life together, admission of a love that should never have been.

I can’t hold myself back any longer. I need her touch, her kiss.

I always have.

I press my lips hard against hers, tasting her desire and confusion. Her love. At once I’m in two places, two worlds, two lives.

I give in fully, allowing the kiss to deepen. Her lips part and our tongues explore the familiar memories we both share.

I tremble as a wave of desire crashes into me.

I kick the door closed, desperate to make this moment last an eternity. We make our way to the bedroom amid a sea of kisses. Every moment, every touch unleashes the memories of a love I can never release. Every kiss breathes in new life and old love. I belong to Nesy completely.

I always have.

Our hands explore each other as do our mouths. There is nothing we can do to stop ourselves now.

And I don't want to.

Our love explodes through us as my mind fills with only her—the vanilla scent I will never forget, the feel of her skin against mine, the taste of her lips.

It’s Nesy.

Only Nesy.

Forever.

I drift to sleep, Nessa still in my arms. A smile covers her mouth as she snuggles next to me. My mind clears, fading to black as exhaustion overtakes me. A quiet peace descends.

But the peace is short lived.

The blackness morphs and changes, turning from the familiar courtyard where we pledged our love to the war I long to forget.

Mikayel’s sword points at my chest.

Nesy screams.

Azza slices through her.

My body tightens. In my thoughts, I run for Nesy, catching her as she falls. Silver blood pours from her mouth, her chest, coating my hands.  

Her body trembles.

She gasps for breath.

Her eyes float back.

No
, I scream to myself. “No!” I can’t let her die again, can’t keep reliving the endless nightmare.

I startle awake, tightening my hold on Nessa. Her body thins, changing from human to angelic to smoke. Flesh and bone melts into nothing as the dark vapor seeps away from my grasp. It floats above me, reforming into a black mass.

Slowly it grows more substantive, taking on the shape of a body. A woman. The foul stench of rotting eggs and flesh fill my nostrils. The woman’s skin morphs from gold to a putrid yellow, as her eyes change from blue to black.

I recoil from the scene and stand, pinching my skin.

“Wake up.”  I can’t tell if I’m awake or asleep.

I look to the bed.

Empty.

The smoke-like mass continues to morph and change, forming into a girl with dark hair and blue eyes. Not the sparkling blue of Nesy’s, but something else. Something sinister. There is a yellow tinge to her skin as the last of the smoke dissipates.

“Who are you?” I ask, still unsure whether or not I’m dreaming. “Where’s Nesy?”

“I am that which owns you now.” The voice is neither male nor female. It resonates through me, more a thought than anything else.

“Where’s Nesy?” I ask again. “I won’t let you take her.”

“I cannot take what was never here,” the voice says, laughing.

The smoke-girl walks towards me. She opens her mouth and a thick, black fog flows from her toward me. I breathe it in, feeling it coat my senses.

All at once my marks spring to life, catching fire. I scream and my throat fills with the murky vapors. Coughing and sputtering, I shove against my own instincts, desperate to end what must be a nightmare.

“You’re mine now, Aydan of the UnHoly. You will always be mine.”

Familiar pangs of the Beast roar to life, pulling on me, desperate to obey the master commanding it.

“Azza,” I spit.

Laughter fills the air as I pull myself from the dregs of sleep.

“Wake up,” I scream. “This isn’t real.”

“Oh, but it is. More real than you could ever know.”

New images take shape around me.

Nesy’s death as I kiss her, sucking her soul and claiming it for Azza.

War with the angels.

And the same smoky girl, fading into a thick, black haze, the stench of her surrounding me.

“No!” The scream rips from my throat and I startle awake.

Sweat dots my brow. My breath comes too fast. I sit up and my mind spins along with the room, tossing my stomach and churning up the bile until I know I must empty it. I struggle to my feet and race to the bathroom. Pouring myself into the basin, I wait for my world to stop, wait for the dream, the nightmare, to clear.

Again I empty myself, heaving over and over. Every fear, every pain flows from me into the sink. My knees shake. My hands tremble.

“Help me,” I whisper. “Please.”

In a moment the world slows.

The vertigo clears.

I force a deep breath, trying to calm my erratic heartbeat. My hand turns the faucet, allowing cold water to clean the sink, my hands, my soul.