Libera Me (19 page)

All the guilt and shame, gone.

The pain and suffering, gone.

There’s nothing but her touch and our feelings.

I pull back, breathless. My head swims.

Is this real?

She kisses me again. Nothing matters but her in this moment.

“Azryel's Wings,” I whisper, unable, unwilling, to stop.

I kiss her with an endless hunger. Time has no meaning. My wings tighten around us as the ground falls away and we are suspended.

No past or future.

No here or there.

Nothing but me and Nesy, locked in an embrace I want to last forever.

Our lips part and ripples of desire more intense than anything I could imagine shoot through me. I feel her body tremble in response and I pull back.

The separation rips a hole through me, creating an overwhelming loneliness. Nesy smiles, her eyes reflecting the heat, the need, I feel.

“Don’t go,” she whispers. “Please.”

We kiss again and again, lost in an embrace that changes everything.

Nesy is my future now. My only future.

She pulls back, her eyes wet.

“What’s wrong,” I ask.

“You can’t stay, can you? Not really. This is in my mind.”

“I’m here now.”

“But what about tomorrow?”

I pull her back to me. “Tomorrow doesn’t matter.” I pull her into a kiss that fuses use together.

She’s all I want, all I need.

She’s all that matters. For now.

The sun ducks behind the forest flanking Nesy’s room, casting long shadows along the walls. I stare out of the window, contemplating the last few hours. I came ready to let go, once and for all. And now…now there’s no turning back. I am tied to Nesy in a way I will never be able to deny. Or forget.

Now, my future is different.

“What are you doing here, Zane?” Cass materializes next to me, her face grim.

“Get out of here, Cass. I’m not ready to have this conversation with you.”

“I’m not your problem right now.”

I turn, meeting her gaze. Her face is tight with worry, her eyes, dark. “What is it?”

“You’ve been ordered home. They’ll send a team if they have to.”

“A team? Why? On whose orders?”

“Sariel and the Council. Caim reported in this morning. Accused you of being too close and endangering the mission.”

The door opens, drawing our attention. Nesy walks in, frozen at the sight of Cass. Confusion clouds her eyes as she tilts her head.

“Nesy, this is Cass. You were friends. Before.”

Nesy releases a tight breath.

“Hi,” Cass says. She turns back to me.
She can see me?

Yes. All of us.

Cass again looks to Nesy. “It’s nice to see you. I was just leaving.”
And you’d better go soon, Zane. Before Nesy’s room explodes with a team of Sentinals.         

Nesy nods as Cass fades away.

“She was a friend?” Nesy asks.

“Yes,” I sigh. “I have to go.”

Tears fill her eyes, ripping me open.

“I’ll be back. I promise. There are just some things I need to take care of at home.”

Nesy’s face screams the doubts I feel.

“I will come back, Nesy. One way or another.”

Chapter 28 – PROVOKE

Aydan

The wind rushes past me as I slow the bike and pull into the rest stop. Snippets of conversations with Caim continue to bombard my thoughts.

…She’s trying to bring out the Beast…you’re in danger from her…stay away from her…

I don’t want to believe anything he says. But I can’t deny the truth I see reflected in Nessa’s eyes of late.

The fear and doubt.

The anger and vengeance.

I know the look she gives me, know the torment that lives inside a fallen soul. Whatever my Nesy was before, she’s different now. There is a piece of the UnHoly in her now, a piece that means to tear me away from myself.

I stare at the ocean. A storm churns the sea in the distance, sending strong currents battering against the shoreline. Wave after wave crashes against the rocky alcoves, mimicking the rhythm of my doubts. Over and over, the pounding continues. I’m overwhelmed with feelings too complex to discern.

Terror mixes with passion.

Hope mixes with anguish.

I close my eyes to the rush, desperate to find a measure of control within it all.

“Aydan, relax. You have to relax.”

Her voice floats through me like a dream.

“Please. I need you to listen and relax.”

I open my eyes, no longer watching the waves or the shoreline. No longer in Washington at all. Concrete and stone replace dirt and trees as the landscape comes into sharp focus.

I stand, scrutinizing the scene. The courtyard near the church. Mikayel’s sculpture in the center, flanked by the old gothic church and gardens.

“Aydan.”

I spin around, searching for the voice. I need to see her with my own eyes, need to see if this is real.

Of course it isn’t. It can’t be.

“Since when did you doubt your senses,” she laughs. “That isn’t like you.”

Nesy walks out from behind the sculpture, looking exactly as I remember her. Hair of spun gold, reflecting off her skin and wings. Eyes that match the blue of the ocean.  She’s dressed for battle, looking just as she did on our last day.

“This can’t be real,” I whisper.

“I’m as real as you need me to be,” she says as she closes the distance between us.

Tears sting my eyes and I inhale a sharp breath.

She grabs my hands, pulling me into an embrace. My skin ignites with the feel of hers. She wraps her fingers around my neck, kissing me deeply.

“You’re scared, aren’t you?” she whispers into my neck. “I’m here now. I never left. Not really.”

I push her away, unable to handle the fantasy my mind has created, no matter how much I want it. “You’re not real.”

“You have to relax and focus, Aydan. Don’t give in to the Beast. You’re more than that monster. You always have been.”

Her words unlock a fresh fury of shame. Real or not, she fills the holes of doubt riddling my mind.

“You are an angel, Aydan. You’ve never stopped being an angel.” Nesy kisses me again and begins to fade away.

“No wait.” I grab for her, touching nothing but air.

“I’ll always love you…”

Her words fade along with her image, leaving me alone once more.

“More wallowing? Somehow this seems beneath you.” Caim stands in front of me, his lips drawn in a straight line and his shoulders tight. “I told you not to see her again.”

“You’re wrong about Nessa. She isn’t the problem. I am.”

“Really? You weren’t the one doing the seducing. Nor were you trying to unleash the Beast. That was all her.”

I turn away, the truth too much to hear.

“Ignore me if you want, but you’re the one paying the price. Not her.”

“What?” I snarl. “She’s not suffering? Are you insane? She’s trapped with no memories. She’s in more pain than someone like you could ever imagine.”

“I imagine more than you realize.” Caim walks away. “Look,” he says, stopping a few yards from me. “If you want to believe she’s no danger to you, fine. I can’t stop you. But it’s your life you’re sacrificing. Like it or not, she’s trying to kill you and give you over to Azza. If you’d think about it for a minute, you’d see I’m right. But I’m done trying to protect you. I’ll tell the Council what I know and that’s it. You’re on your own.” Caim fades away, his words still vibrating through me.

I comb through my memories of Nessa and Nesy, still unsure. Nesy would want me to cling to the good part of my nature and ignore the Beast.

But how long can I do that? How long until Azza comes to finish the job? How long until I force myself on Nessa again?

How long?

I trace my markings, noting every raised curve and knot. These define me now. Incomplete or not, they have bound me to a future too difficult to ignore.

You are more than that, Aydan. Remember. Promise me, you’ll remember.

Nesy’s voice, the memory of her last real words to me, filters into my mind. I scratch at the markings, digging my nails deep into my skin until I draw blood. I scream, releasing every ounce of anguish, every moment of torment.

I won’t be a slave to Azza. Or to Celestium.

I’ll die first.

Remember, Aydan. Remember…

I close my eyes, drawing Nesy’s image to me. I cling to her, knowing that she’s my only hope.

If I can make her remember.

I lean against the lockers, waiting. I know she doesn’t want to see me. But I need to see her. She’s the answer to all of this. If only she could remember.

Kids blur past and excited chatter about summer fills the halls. Two more days until graduation. Two more days until a graduation party Nessa and I should be celebrating together.

Two more days.

I close my eyes, practicing the words I thought about all night. I don’t know how to make her see the truth. Nesy’s voice still resonates through me, urging me to remember. If only there was a way I could make her do the same.

Someone nudges my shoulder, startling me.

“Oh sorry,” she says as I open my eyes. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

A familiar girl stares at me. Black hair, green eyes, and a presence far older than her years.

“You’re the one from the other day, the one they’re hunting.”

“Who’s hunting?”

“The other day, the demons. They’re coming for you.”

I cock my head, confused. “You can see them, can’t you?”

She nods. “And I have a message for you. Be careful. Nothing is as you perceive it to be.”

“What are you talking about?”

The girl turns away.

“Wait!”

She stops, looking back over her shoulder. She closes her eyes, sighs, and turns back to me. “You helped my sister, so I owe you. But I can’t stay and risk my own life. Be careful. Trust no one, not even Nessa. Everything is about to change.” She turns and starts walking away from me again.

“Wait. Who are you?”

“Lorelei’s sister,” she yells back before getting lost in the fray.

My body shudders. Lorelei’s sister. How? I didn’t know. Nesy never told me.

Did she know?

My mind spins, forming more questions than answers. Should I go after the girl? Find Nessa? Tell Mikayel of the Seers somehow? I’m torn, lost again in the caverns of my thoughts. 

Everything is about to change
. The phrase stays with me. Things are changing, that much I can sense. And I have a feeling it isn’t for the best.

I shake away the dread now coating my skin and look for Nessa. If trouble is hunting me, it’s hunting her too.

The students thin as the bell rings. I walk into class, the doubt still lingering. Nessa isn’t here. I slip into my seat, scarcely aware of anything but my own feelings and thoughts. Time drones by until the bell again rings.

Minute by minute, class by class, the day moves forward, and still Nessa is not here.

“Where are you?” I whisper as I walk to lunch.  I can’t stay waiting for her to show up. I have to find her, have to calm the sea of concern churning through me.

I walk through the gates and toward the parking lot. Nessa leans against her car, staring at me, her arms crossed over her chest. She’s wearing sweats and flip-flops, looking like she belongs in bed. Her hair hangs in a mess around her face. Her eyes, red and swollen. 

“Nessa, geez. I’ve been looking for you.” I walk to her, my arms open.

She stiffens and I drop my arms to my sides. I don’t blame her anger, her fear. I deserve it.

I deserve so much worse.

“We need to talk,” she whispers, her voice punching a whole through my heart. I can never make up for what I’ve done.

“Now.”

Chapter 29 – RUPTURE

Aydan

I stare at Nessa as she walks to the far end of the lot. There are so many things I want to say, so many things I need to hear.

She leans against the chain link fence, chewing her bottom lip. She looks sad and vulnerable. Yet strong. It’s an intoxicating mix that ignites the Beast within. I push back the thoughts now flooding my mind, desperate to focus only on Nessa.

But the Beast does not want to abate, not after it’s already tasted her soul.

Take more.

      —
I will not hurt her again.

Fulfill your fate.

—
I am more than a monster.

Take what’s yours.

                  —
I will die first.

I scrutinize Nessa’s face, looking for the words forming on her tongue. Nothing about her is angelic. Not the glint in her eyes, nor the sound of her laugh. She moves nothing like Nesy. Nothing like Elle. And yet, there is still a familiarity to her, one which keeps me from listening to the Beast still raging within.

A tear escapes her eyes. She wipes it away, focusing on me. Anguish morphs into cold determination as she stiffens. In that moment she looks like the warrior I love. And I know what she’s about to do.

I swallow hard and prepare myself for the words I don’t want to hear.

“Aydan—”

“Wait Nessa. Don’t say it. Not here. Not now.” I want another day with her, another night. I want her to feel my love one more time. I don’t care if she remembers our past or not. I just want a future.

A breeze wafts by causing an involuntary shudder across my back almost as though my bat-like wings were still there. I look over my shoulder, half expecting to see them stretching out behind me.

Nothing. Only another breeze settling on my skin. Relief relaxes every muscle, every tendon.

I look back at Nessa, her eyes moist.

“No. I have to do this now. While I can.”

I take her hands in mine. “Don’t do this. I know things have been weird between us. But we can figure it out. I can stop pressuring you to remember your life. I can—”

“It isn’t just that.” Nessa pulls her hands away and turns. “I’m not that girl. The one you remember. I don’t know who she is.”