Libera Me (18 page)

Admiration.

Fear.

“I am researching your brethren. And the smoke.”

“And what have you discovered?”

“Things are in motion. Unclear. We are standing at the crux of change, the most frightening and hopeful of times.”

That isn’t an answer.

“And?”

“And you have a specific question you want to ask, yes?”

“Yes. What have you learned about the smoke? What other forms can it take?”

“Ah yes. I wondered when you would want more information about your captor.”

“Captor?”

“As long as you hold on to Nesy and all you have lost, the smoke remains your captor. And it can take the form of any sentient being.”

“A demon?” I ask.

“Yes.”

“And Azzaziel.”

“Of course.”

I form the next question with care, almost afraid of the answer. “Nesy?”

“Most assuredly Nesayiel.”

My mind focuses inward, replaying every moment of every encounter with Nesy. The blankness of her thoughts, the smoky scent of her skin. The confusion and chaos that seems to permeate every cell.

Everything I would expect to find in a being born of smoke and ash.

But not only the demonic smoke.

Nesy’s mind is filled with something familiar too. Fear and worry reminiscent of her days as human. Doubt so similar to the days after Adam. Nesy still exists in the recesses of the girl’s thoughts.

I think.

All I know for certain is that I gave the smoke a lot more than my memories.

I gave it a way in to Nesy. To Celestium.

“Gabriel, does the smoke have other names it’s called? Other preferred forms?”

Gabriel turned the pages of the book, settling on one decorated in the exact same knots and loops as the markings on Azzaziel and Aydan. He scans the pages, his mouth drawing a grim line.

“Here it is.” Gabriel traces the lines of text with his fingers, reading aloud. “’Iblis, King of the Jinn, has but one offspring. Lilith. Queen of the Dark Creatures.’” He continues to trace his finger along the lines, mouthing the words silently.

He turns the page settling on a new line of text. “She is the holder of the species. She alone can carry the essence of life for her race. She can guarantee their survival, even in annihilation.”

“Does that mean she can…restore the Jinn somehow? Breed?”

“No, not exactly.” Gabriel meets my gaze, his face hard and tight. He closes the book and sighs.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

Gabriel looks down.

“Master? Please? I need to know.”

“There is a legend more ancient that the one foretelling of Azzaziel. It says that a new race will be formed from the ashes of the fallen, the UnHoly.”

Aydan.

My back stiffens as my pulse quickens. “Go on,” I say.

“It speaks of a race born of the Beast. Such a creature would be difficult to stop. Even for Mikayel.”

“And you think the smoke, Lilith, can make such a race.”

“I don’t know. But yes…I think she is involved.”

“And my memories of Nesy?”

“Zanethios. We don’t know anything for certain. But I believe dark times are coming and we must all be ready. You must be ready. Strong. I cannot afford to lose any more angels.”

“Are we headed for war?”

“We’ve never stopped being at war.” Gabriel picks up the book, clutching it tightly.

He walks to his armoire and locks the book inside. “I should not have pulled this out,” he whispers more to himself than to me.

Gabriel’s words swim around me. Through me. A new war. A new race. And all because of me and my bargain with Lilith.

Nesy.

She floods my thoughts again. Such fear. Such chaos. Such doubt.

Is she Lilith’s real target? Is Aydan?

The possibilities whirl around me in a rapid series of flashes, refusing to coalesce.

Too many possible outcomes.

Too many potential futures.

And none of them good.

“Zanethios?” Gabriel’s voice does nothing to quell the tempest tossing through me. “Zanethios, this is not your fault. There is always evil. It grows, just as we grow. You cannot hold yourself to blame.”

But it is my fault. “I should have said no to Mikayel. Followed my teachings. Let Nesy go.”

“Perhaps.”

“No. It’s what I should have done.”

“All things happen for a reason, Zanethios; even when we can’t know what it is.”

“I should have let her go. For all of our sakes.” I turn away from Gabriel and leave, riddled with a shame and grief too difficult to manage.

All of my training, my existence, has been about detachment. Letting everything go. Staying any emotions. And now, without regard for my training or my vows, I’ve put everyone at risk.

Celestium.

My race.

Nesy.

And for what? To follow my heart? Hold on to something that can’t ever happen? A fantasy?

What was I thinking?

Nesy is not mine.

She can never be mine.

I walk through the chamber and out into the courtyards. Faster and faster I walk until I’m running through the streets and out of the gates into the training fields.

Sentinals’ voices surround me. The colors of the sky dance in familiar patterns. It’s all as it should be and yet, it’s so very different.

I don’t know which way is up, which way is down.

Let her go
, I tell myself, repeating it over and over. A futile attempt I know. She owns my heart, always has. And although my loyalty is to Celestium, there is a truth I must acknowledge…

I’ve sacrificed it all for her.

I would again.

I reach the knoll where Nesy and I spent countless hours talking after she returned to Celestium. It was here that she confessed her feelings for Adam. Here where I healed her mind. Here where we promised to keep each other safe in any situation.

It was here where I fell in love.

Tears fill my eyes as my heart clenches.
I love her
. I don’t want this truth that I can’t deny. Pushing away the memory, I swallow back the pain. There’s no time for this wallowing, no time for regret. Gabriel’s story flits in and out of my mind. The legends, the prophesy.

Maybe Lilith isn’t after Nesy. Maybe the war, the darkness—maybe none of it will happen.

Maybe.

Who am I kidding? There is only one answer for me. I must go back. See Nesy. Discover the truth for myself.

I will find out why Lilith wanted my memories, and who Nesy is. In my heart, there is but one answer…

How could she be anyone else?

Chapter 27 – Reflection

Zane

I step from the portal, careful to remain in the shadows. After everything, I’m not entirely certain I can trust Nesy. Or myself.

She stares out of the window, watching Aydan’s bike speed away from the house, swallowed in the glare of the sun. A few tears break loose from her eyes and travel down her cheeks. She wipes them away, her expression torn between sorrow and fear.

Definitely Nesy
. Lilith wouldn’t feel such sadness. Lilith wouldn’t be lonely. I may not know what Lilith has planned, or how Nesy fits into everything, but I do know that the girl in front of me is Nesy.

And I know another thing as well: I never should have made the deal I made, never should have sacrificed her peace for my need to see her live.

I should have let go back then.  

I swallow hard, watching as Nesy crosses the floor and collapses in front of her mirror. She pulls the hair away from her face, studying each contour, each curve.  Her eyes again fill with tears. Her breathing comes in ragged spurts and she buries her head in her hands.

“Why,” she whispers. “Why don’t I know who I am?”

Her voice cracks as she rolls to her side and curls into a ball. Hugging her knees to her chest she begins to sob.

My heart fractures into pieces, my need to comfort her too great.

Let go, Zane. Please let go.
Cass’s voice comes in an unwelcomed rush. I close my eyes, pushing her away. Pushing everything away. 

No Cass.

No Celestium and legends of races yet uncreated.

No failures or shame.

Just Nesy. Me. This moment.

My breathing slows. Nesy’s vanilla scent fills my senses, along with the pine and salt floating in through the open window. I can feel every sob filling Nesy’s chest, hear the words she mumbles.

“Who am I? Why can’t I remember?”

Every instinct tells me to run to her, sweep the thoughts away, heal her pain. I open my eyes, ready to ignore the warnings of Gabriel. Ready to forsake my oath to stay away.

Nesy rolls back and sits. She stares too long at her reflection before opening her mouth to speak. “I don’t know who you are,” she says to her image. “Nothing about you is familiar.”

In this moment, she sounds like Nesy and my compulsion to reveal myself grows stronger.

“Who is this girl I’m supposed to be, this Nesy? Why don’t I remember anything about her? Nothing about a life with him, nothing about the world he speaks of. He looks at me with an intensity I know I should feel. But I don’t. I can’t.”

She closes her eyes and inhales a sharp breath.

“I don’t want to know that girl,” she whispers.

I picture myself running to her, wrapping my wings around her and creating a safe haven just for us. I imagine telling her about Lilith and our deal, about the vengeance I fear is coming. In my fantasy, I feel myself kissing away Nesy’s pain. And my own.

“I know how to fight,” Nesy’s says to her reflection. “To kill. Why? How? In what life would I need such skills? Is this even a life I want?”

“Who are you talking to?” An older woman walks into her room.

“Geez, can’t you knock?” Nesy scrambles to her feet. “I’m not talking to anyone.” She wipes the tears from her cheeks and I push myself further into the shadows.

“You’re crying?”

Nesy sighs, almost laughing. “Aren’t I always?”

The woman softens and sits on her bed. “Come here,” she says as she taps the bed lightly.

“What?” Nesy stiffens.

“I know it’s hard, but you did the right thing. That boy isn’t good for you. Besides, I think you need to focus on getting your memories back.”

Nesy clenches her jaw. “They aren’t coming back,” she says. “I wish everyone could just back off and accept that.”

Her aunt stands, her face hard. “I made an appointment for you with Dr. Williams. He can help you if you’d let him. You have a past. You just don’t want to accept it.”

“No. You are trying to force me to believe things that I don’t. That’s not the same as refusing to accept something.” Nesy walks to the window, dangerously close to where I hide.

I flatten myself against the wall, barely breathing.

Her aunt nears, peering into the shadows. A punch of smoke fills my lungs and I choke.

“You need to accept the truth, dear. You were a victim of a horrific crime. Nothing more. Now stay away from that boy and the lies he tells you, and focus on your future.” The old woman stares at me, her lips forming a sinister smile.

She nods and turns to the door.

Lilith.

It has to be her.

Stay away from her if you expect her to stay safe.
Her voice fills my thoughts along with pictures of Aydan taking Nesy’s soul.

My back tightens with fury as the woman leaves without another word.

 “They aren’t coming back,” Nesy mumbles again. “I don’t want them to come back.” She turns from the window and stops, her eyes meeting mine.

For a moment everything fades away. The air grows heavy and my breathing shallow.

“You’re here,” she whispers, her voice trembling.

I step from the shadows. “I hate seeing you like this.”

“I can’t believe you came after yesterday. I was horrible to you.”

I put my fingers to her lips. “No. You were just in pain and needed comforting. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for you.”

She wraps her arms around my neck and my body ignites. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she whispers into my chest, her eyes dampening my skin.

I stiffen, afraid of the emotions coursing through me. Love, need, want. I’m lost in the feelings I’ve spent my existence ignoring. Cass’s voice screams through me, telling me to let go. Gabriel’s teachings follow, reminding me of the need for detachment and warning of the war to come. Lilith’s laughter layers through it all, a reminder of our deal.

I need to heed the warnings and obey the commands. But it’s too late and I’m too far gone. “I can’t stay away from you anymore.”

“You know I’m not the girl you think I am. I don’t remember anything about that life.”

“I don’t need you to be that girl. I only need you to be you, to be okay.” My wings encircle us in the fantasy I’ve imagined, shielding us from the world.

She threads her fingers through my hair, sending fresh currents of desire through me. “You are so familiar, so safe. I feel like we’ve known each other forever.”

“We have.”

Her eyes grow sad and I regret bringing up that life. I cup her face in my hands, feeling her tremble beneath my touch. Tipping her chin up, I stare into her blue eyes. “You’re everything I need, Nesayiel. Just as you are. You don’t need to remember another life, don’t need to be the person you once were. I love you as you are, today. Everything else will take care of itself.”

The minute the words leave I know I’ve crossed a line I can never undo.

Nesy smiles, pulling me closer. Her lip trembles as she draws a ragged breath. “I think,” she starts, hesitating. “I think I love you, too. Maybe I always have.”

I stiffen. My body quivering from her closeness. This can’t happen. Shouldn’t happen. And I’m powerless to stop it.

She flattens again me, brushing her lips against mine. My heart skips a beat and my legs buckle. Her touch is tentative, searching.

I can stop this now before it goes further. Nothing good will come from these feelings, my actions.

“Please,” she whispers as her fingers thread through my hair. “I need you.”

I let my eyes fall closed as she kisses me again, less tentative this time. My defenses break and I melt under her touch.