Libera Me (16 page)

I empty myself and release a deep sigh.

“Better?” he asks.

I nod, propping myself up on my elbows. Glancing around the room, I try to pull my focus. Nothing wants to gel, my thoughts too shrouded in a haze of sleep.

Is it sleep?

One by one, images emerge from the depths of my memories.

An embrace.

A kiss.

Nesy.

I wanted her soul, craved it as much as I crave air. I would have killed her for it.

My mind caves in and more bile rushes up my throat.

I taste her on my tongue as I again empty my shame. Over and over, until my throat is raw, my stomach is cramped, and my soul is…

Dead.

“I guess your memories are coming back,” Caim smirks and unleashes another round of anguish.

I race to the bathroom before I heave again.

And again.

There is no end to my torment. The terror on Nessa’s face, the rage in her eyes. I wash my face, desperate for a peace that can’t be found. One I don’t deserve.

My reflection confirms the truth of the night. A large gash mars my chest. My marks, angry and red, enclose a maze of fresh scratches.

I tried to kill her. I really tried to kill her.

“You nearly succeeded,” Caim says as he leans against the door frame. “Do you believe me now?”

“What?” I can barely think, barely form words.

“Nessa’s a threat to you.” Caim walks away.

“To me? I nearly killed her. I think I’m the threat. You need to tell Mikayel about this. Have him come and kill me before I try to hurt her again.”

“I don’t need Mikayel to kill you. I can do that myself.”

Caim’s words unnerve me.

“Maybe you should.”

“No, not yet.”

I close my eyes, a fresh wave of anguish pushing through me.

“But I do think we need to talk about Nessa. Nesy. She is not to be trusted. You can’t be near her again. Not without me.”

“Something we agree on,” I say through gritted teeth.

My body wobbles and the room again begins to spin.

“Whoa,” Caim says as he grabs my shoulders. “I think you need to sit down.”

He helps me to the couch.

“Stay here and rest. There are a couple of things I need to check on. When I get back, I think it’s time you knew the truth about your Nesy.”

“Truth?”

“The things Zane won’t tell you. After you hear it you can decide for yourself if you still need Zane to tell you that you’re in danger.”

I turn my head to look at Caim, confused. But he’s already gone. Falling back on the couch, my mind spins, pulling images formed from my deepest fears.

The fire and ash of the Infernum.

     
—my destiny.

An unquenchable thirst for death.

     
—the Beast has returned.

Azza. Always Azza.

      —
Have you come for me again?

                             
I never left you.

The words form too fast in my thoughts. Nessa, Azza, the Beast. They overlap, leaving me breathless. Nothing is as I expected it to be. I can’t outrun who I am anymore, can’t fight my essence.

My mind cracks open. Chaos sweeps over me. I will never be more than Azza’s slave. Not in any life.

A blur catches my eye and I spin, seeing the old worn journal fall to the floor and open. I stumble over to the book, reading the page…

I can’t serve him anymore. Won’t. And if this means I need to die, so be it.

The death wish ensnares me, trapping every fear. I turn the pages and read every entry. The moments of joy when Nessa first came into my life. The confusion over her memories that refuse to return. The anger as the unwelcomed feelings surface—lust and vengeance, the hallmarks of the Beast.

I close my eyes, unwilling to read more about my life, my weakness. But the pages continue to turn, and I am compelled again to read them all.

I flip another page, my eyes focusing on one entry…

Who are you, Nessa? Did Azza send you? Do you serve him? Maybe it doesn’t matter, maybe I want to die at your hands. So kill me Nessa, kill me.

My heart stops. I don’t remember writing this. In fact, I don’t remember writing most of these pages. 

But I remember nearly killing Nesy. I remember the sweet taste of her soul in my mouth, igniting a need I can’t resist. I remember the rush as the Beast awakened through me.

And I know a horrible truth…

I am powerless against it.

I close my eyes. My minds folds in on itself and I am thrown into dreams almost immediately.

There is no peace in these dreams. Only endless nightmares reminiscent of the life I tried to forget. The life I tried to undo.

But it’s not possible to escape your destiny. There is no way to run from your true nature.  I know now what I am, what I’ve always been with or without my marks…

                  The Beast.

My mind twists on the thought, morphing into a familiar scene. The battle. Nesy’s death. I’ve relived this moment so many times.

I thought she would revive me, transform my life. I thought I could protect her from the evil I’d become.

Instead I killed her.

                  Then.

                  Now.

There’s no amount of penance I can pay for everything I’ve become, no way to right the wrongs of my existence.

The landscape of my thoughts echoes in agreement, flashing scenes of every one of my horrific offenses. The endless litany of crimes: feasting from the innocent, luring them to me with my voice and a kiss, promising anything just so I could drink their souls.

You are more than this, Aydan. Remember.

Nesy’s voice filters through the images. Tempting me.

You are so much more.

Centuries of deaths at my hands. A lifetime committed to Azza. Infernum.

You promised me you’d remember.

New images take hold of my thoughts. Mikayel and the Council, dead by my blade.

You promised.

The fall of Celestium.

The rise of Azza.

More laughter emanates from the chambers of my thoughts. I toss and turn, desperate to outrun a future I cannot allow.

The skeletal frame of Azza’s face fills my thoughts, fading into a thick black smoke.  It swirls and moves, taking on new shapes. First Azza. Then me. And finally,

Nesy.

The sight of her makes my body quiver. Same golden hair, same blue eyes.  I watch as the image rearranges itself, her hair darkening into a deep brown and her eyes, navy.

She opens her mouth and smoke flows from her into me.

The Beast stirs. My stomach clenches. Every thought, every emotion begins to fade until the only thing left is my basal need to feed.

Smoke-Nesy tosses her head back and laughs. She leans forward, cupping my face in her hands.

“I’m yours now,” she whispers through my thoughts. “Take me.”

Her lips brush against mine and the Beast roars. I take her mouth in a fierce kiss. And feed…

“No!” I scream. The sound rips from my throat, dragging me up from the depths of my nightmare.

My brow is covered in sweat, my pulse, roaring in my ears. I sit up, panting. The nightmare felt real. Too real.

I walk to the bathroom and splash water on my face. Gripping the sink, I force my breathing to slow.

It was a dream.

Just a dream.

I look at my reflection. Nothing’s changed. My eyes are still amber, my markings nothing more than a tangled mass on my neck.

I click through my memories of the last few days, looking for the proof that I’ve dreamed it all up. But try as I may, I know this is real. Azza is back. He’s hunting me.

Hunting Nesy.

And I can’t protect us.

I drop my head, allowing the anguish to filter through me. I have no way to prevent the future I foresee. No way to avoid this fate.

“I see you’re back to wallowing.” Caim appears behind me, his wings tucked tightly to his body in the cramped space. “I can help you with that. Tell you the truth about what’s happening. If you’re ready to hear it, that is.”

I spin around. Nothing but empty space greets me. I turn and look back in the mirror.

Caim cocks his head, amused. “So, are you ready to know the truth about Nesy? About everything?”

I need to know if my suspicions are correct, but can I trust him? “Yes,” fills my mind before I can refuse.

“By now you know that Nessa is not human. Nor is she the Nesy you remember.”

“I don’t understand.”

Caim ignores my words. “And the monster inside of you awakens more and more each day.”

Shame fills me with his words.

“What you don’t know is why.” Caim smiles.

“And I suppose you’re going to tell me now?”

I stare at the image of Caim in the mirror, noting how his skin reflects the ruby hues in his wings, giving him an ominous air. His jaw is set like Nesy’s, firm and unyielding. He looks more like a Sentinal than one of Sariel’s Guardians.

“You have a right to know the truth about that girl before you sacrifice yourself for her.”

I lower my head. I thought I did know the truth.

“Go on,” I whisper, unable to look at Caim.

“Haven’t you ever wondered how Nesy managed to survive Azza’s sword? I mean, no one survives an injury such as hers. Not even a protégé of Mikayel.”

Caim had a point.

“I’ve never thought about it,” I mumble. And I hadn’t. Not once.

“Mikayel and Zane made a deal with the devil.”

My head shoots up. “What? They went to Azza?”

“Not Azza,” Caim says. “Something else. Something just as powerful.”

I think of the creatures in Infernum. There is none more powerful than Azza. He has dominion over that realm; only he.

“What? Who?” I ask.

“A creature that lives in the catacombs. One indebted to Mikayel.”

I search my memories, looking for someone, anyone, who could wield the power to heal Nesy. There is no one. I would know.

“No. You lie. There is none that would help Celestium, none powerful enough to heal Nesy. None but Azza, and he would never save her.”

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

“Are you saying that Azza’s behind this? Is that what the Council thinks, that Nessa is some pawn for Azza?”

“All we know, all they have told me, is that Zane struck a deal with a creature from Infernum.  A deal that allowed Nesy to live.”

Caim’s image grows in the mirror, coming closer and closer.

“And I believe that Nessa is the human embodiment of Nesy.”

Just as I’ve always thought.

“And Azza? He’s hunting us now?” I ask.

“I think Nesy’s being used to draw out the Beast. Like a conduit of sorts.”

“What? Why would Azza do that when he can just kill me? Kill us both?”

“Because, he wants you, he wants the Beast. Just as he always has.”

Caim’s words resonate deep within me. 

“So what now? I’m supposed to just stay away from Nessa? Let him use her and do nothing?”

“What do you think you can do, Aydan?” Caim says, almost laughing. “Fight him off? No. You must stay away from Nessa and let me take of care her.”

“No! I won’t abandon her.” I turn away and walk to the door.

Caim appears in front of me, blocking my exit. I take a step back.

“I won’t risk her life, her soul, for mine.”

“You’re risking a lot more than your life or soul, and you know it. Besides, you didn’t let me finish the story.”

I don’t want to hear anything more from him. Not now.

“I didn’t explain to you the terms of the deal Zanethios made.”

“Terms?”

“Yes. The creature does nothing for free.”

“What, then? Tell me about these terms,” I whisper.

“Memories. Her mortality, her life, was bought with memories.”

My brow furrows. “Whose?” I know the answer before the question leaves my mouth.

“Hers. Zane's. I can’t be certain. But it does explain why she remembers nothing, doesn’t it?”

Yes. It does.

“Her memories give the creature access—to you, to her. Maybe to Celestium. She is not to be trusted. She’s a pawn now, whether she knows it or not.”

Chills spread down my spine.

“Are you saying—?”

“I’m saying that I am here to protect you and Celestium from all enemies. Even mortal ones.”

“I won’t let you hurt her.”

“You can’t stop me. And I think you need to worry more about her hurting you.”

My heart stops for a moment as my brain catches up with his words. Nessa—Nesy—is a pawn for Azza. Nothing more.

Thoughts weave and spin as every dream, every nightmare, plays forward. The puzzle pieces fit together perfectly. Everything makes sense now.

Nesy is my life,

My death.

Chapter 25 – ULTIMATUM

Aydan

This can’t be the end; not now, after everything we’ve been through. Azza or not, Nesy would never kill me. Not now.

Not ever.

I walk through Caim, heading toward the bedroom. My skin prickles with electricity as I pass through him, raising the hair on my arms. Shaking off the feeling, I get dressed. The sooner I get to Nessa, the better. I only hope I’m not too late; that somehow she’ll forget about last night.

“Stay away from her Aydan. One way or another she’ll kill you.”

“Better me than her.”

“And if she unleashes the Beast? What then? You know what it means if you can’t control it.”

Oh yes, I know. And it’s a risk I gladly take if it means there’s a chance to save Nessa from all of this.

“I won’t let you interfere, Caim. I know the rules, same as you. You can’t do anything if I won’t allow it. Free choice and all that.”

“Don’t be stupid.”

I ignore his words. I have to get to Nessa and talk to her. I have to save us both.

The ride to her house takes too long, images of my murderous intent are still too fresh in my mind. How can I explain everything that’s happening? How can I make her see?