Lieutenant Columbus (17 page)

“Nonsense. You legionnaires may be in for the duration, but we are at peace. We are allies. Of course you can go home to your loved ones.”

“Everyone is dead,” cried the private.

“Shut up!” interrupted a corporal. “Don’t be talking to this bug. Patton says they’re the enemy. Loose lips sink ships!”

“More nonsense,” argued the Military Intelligence officer, pouring everyone another round of vodka. “This is the New Gobi Desert. There is no water or ships for thousands of miles. What did you mean, everyone is dead? I am so sorry. Has there been a natural disaster? Or another war?”

“I don’t care who hears!” shouted the private, defiantly. “We don’t belong in this time.”

“I told you to shut up!” ordered the corporal, slugging the private in the face, knocking him into the other legionnaires seated at the bar.

An enraged tank driver pushed back. Suddenly all the pent
-
up frustration was released. Someone threw a beer bottle at the poker game. New and old legionnaires formed sides.

“It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum!” shouted Private Krueger from a far corner, reaching in his pants for a grenade.

Sergeant Williams cut loose with a rebel yell. The entire spectacle was recorded and instantly broadcast on the nightly database news.

* * * * *

The spider Military Intelligence officer quietly slipped out
with several other spiders
to avoid the fight. They followed
the unconscious
Sergeant Rivers
being carried out by
his newfound biker babe girlfriends.
“I’ll buy him,” offered the Military Intelligence officer. “Name your price.”

“Are you crazy?” answered the fattest biker babe incredulously. “You can’t just buy a Hero of the Legion. This one is all mine. I’m not sharing with you pervert spiders.”

“I’ll pay you a van full of blue powder cocaine.”

“You have a deal, Mister Spider Spy-man,” advised the
other biker chick
.

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Chapter 1
6

The Military Intelligence officer administered drugs, immediately sobering Sergeant Rivers. “We have a lot to talk about,” he started.

“Fuck you, bug!” replied Sergeant Rivers. He looked about, sizing up his situation. No
t
good. He was naked, strapped to a cold steel table. “It looks like fuck me, too,” he mumbled.

“Let’s not have this most distasteful situation be any more unpleasant than necessary,” continued the Military Intelligence officer. “Tell me your secrets. Tell me about your new human pestilence beam technology.”

“I don’t know anything about spaceships or any other of your pulp science fiction bullshit. All I want is to go home.”

“Yes, I noticed that seems to be a common thread among you legionnaires. Your loyalty issues are shocking. Speaking of shocking, you had better tell me what I want to know.”

The Military Intelligence officer gleefully attached electrodes and wires to various places on River
s
’ body, including the all important testicles. The Military Intelligence officer had the torture kit instruction manual memorized, and was not squeamish about using it.

“I told you, I don’t know anything about spaceships!” insisted Sergeant Rivers, panicking. “I don’t need this. This isn’t my war. I didn’t sign up for this!”

“What did you sign up for?”

“Fuck you.”

“No, don’t tell me. I already know. You signed up for the duration, like all legionnaires.”

“I was drafted for the duration.”

“Legionnaires are not drafted. You volunteered.”

“No! I did not volunteer to fight Martians!”

The Military Intelligence officer contemplated that answer.
Martians?
He was missing something, but what?

“I do not want to harm you. I am not a Martian, I am your friend.”

“Fuck you! I don’t belong here. Kill me if I can’t go home!”

“You don’t belong ... in this time?”

* * * * *

When Sergeant Rivers was smuggled across the border, a Legion tracking chip embedded in his ass set off alarms. Immediately I placed the entire battalion on alert. I called a staff meeting to discuss a rescue plan.

“Sergeant Rivers is being held at the Arthropodan Marine Headquarters,” I advised, pointing to a map of North New Gobi City. “He’s probably in the dungeon, under the complex. We must hit them now, before the spiders move Rivers north. I will punch through the main gate and storm the Headquarters
b
uilding. Surprise will be on our side. This is an unauthorized mission, so we won’t have strategic air cover. Patton, you will deploy to the
h
eights east of town and provide artillery cover. That should distract the spiders long enough for me to rescue Rivers and be gone before the spiders can react with reinforcements. Any questions or comments?”

“Your plan is flawed,” advised Lieutenant Patton. “Those spiders are smarter than they look. What if they are not surprised? What if the spiders set a trap for you? We should be using my tanks to punch through to Rivers. Nothing can stop us.”

“Speed and surprise are our main advantage,” I repeated. “The spiders watch your tanks to
o
closely. They will see you coming and call for air support before you get to Headquarters. My armored cars will carry us there before the spiders can react.”

“With all due respect
,
c
olonel...”

“Enough! You all have your orders. Dismissed!”

* * * * *

At the border crossing checkpoint, Corporal Tonelli waved frantically to the spider guard in the shack on the other side.

“What’s up, Guido? There better not be a problem with my bet. I still want ten thousand credits on the Yankees!”

“World War VII just started!” warned Guido. “Duck!”

The spider guard did not hesitate. He immediately jumped down into his spider hole, as his guard shack was riddled with 50
-
cal machine gun fire from the approaching column of Legion armored cars crashing the gate.

I led the armored cars past the burned
-
out Taco Bell
,
straight to Spider Headquarters. The artillery barrage covered our advance. At the intersection in front of Spider Headquarters, my armored car hit a mine. We skidded to a halt on our side, smoke rising form the engine. Sergeant Wayne dragged me to the cover of another armored car. Machine gun fire raked us from prepared positions atop surrounding buildings. Patton was right! Another armor car exploded as missiles rained down. A hundred yards down the block
,
spider tanks rumbled toward us.

* * * * *

Lieutenant Patton knew
Colonel Czerinski’s
plan was doomed form the start and crossed the border even before
the colonel
did, racing through the golf course again. Along for the ride was
rep
orter Phil Coen of Channel Five World News Tonight.

“You’re taking a big risk disobeying orders,” commented Phil. “What if you are wrong? You could end up escalating the situation and starting another war. Shouldn’t you stick to the plan? After all, Colonel Czerinski is an experienced, combat
-
tested Hero of the Legion.”

“It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum,” answered Lieutenant Patton, remembering that slogan from the bar fight. “That Polack Czerinski couldn’t command himself out of a wet paper bag.”

As if on cue, images from their airborne drone broadcast Arthropodan tanks firing on Legion armored cars at the Main Square. Already in position to flank the spiders, Patton raced to the rescue, firing at will. Quickly several spider tanks were engulfed in flames,
while
others limped off in retreat. Patton’s tank smashed through the front door of Spider Headquarters.

“I surrender!” shouted the Military Intelligence officer, waving a white handkerchief. “What is the meaning of this provocation? More American adventurism?”

Lieutenant Patton shot the spider officer in the head. Brushing past other surrendering spiders, he went downstairs to the dungeon, finding Sergeant Rivers still strapped to a steel table.

“Always sleeping on the job!” commented Lieutenant Patton, un
fastening
the restraints. He kissed Rivers on the forehead
–
one of those manly kisses
that is totally acceptable between comrades, like butt-pats at sporting events
. “You’re going home. We all are.”

“Yes, sir. I never thought I’d be so glad to see your ugly face, sir. I didn’t tell them anything, but I was going to.”

“It’s okay. What do you want? A medal? Get your ass in gear. Gross, put some clothes on. We have to get out of here!”

back to Table of Contents

Chapter 1
7

“This is Phil Coen of Channel Five World News Tonight
, coming to you
live with more breaking news from the New Gobi Desert on Planet New Colorado. Tonight our newest Hero of the Legion, Lieutenant George Smith Patton, Jr., announced the formation of an exploratory committee for his candidacy for President of the United States Galactic Federation. The committee will be led by prominent financier Christopher Columbus, billionaire owner of the Seattle Mariners Texas Red, General Daniel Daly, New York media mogul Patricia Morrison, and world famous science fiction writer Sir Walter Knight.

“Even more startling news is the Legion’s discovery of time travel, and that young Lieutenant Patton
and George Patton, hero of World War II, are
one and the same. Yes, you heard it first on Channel Fi
v
e World News Tonight. Time travel is possible, although the exact process is a closely guarded CIA secret. Lieutenant, or should I say General
Patton
, you
say you
want to be President?”

“The Presidency is a natural extension of my long record and glorious service to my country. My only regret is that apparently I have had but two lives to give to my country.”

“General, I assume you will be running as a Republican?”

“Of course.”

“As we speak, President Miller has ordered full disclosure of your confidential Legion enlistment contract. It appears your birth in the Kingdom of California violates the Constitutional ban on non-American born citizens running for President.”

“That is outrageous!” fumed Patton. “When my mother gave birth to me in San Gabriel, California was still part of America. Just because some pansy-ass turned California into a tax haven for movie stars and surfer bums doesn’t mean I was not born American. My first official act as President will be to annex California back into the Union!”

“President Miller has also called for an examination of your birth certificate, which has apparently has gone missing. The President cites precedent in
f
ederal and Hawaiian case law. Any comments?”

“President Miller is an asshole. When I get back to Earth
,
I am going to kick my boot so far up his ass
,
that the man won’t ever be able to sit down
again
!”

“How are you coping with updating yourself on current events? After all, it’s been hundred
s of
years, and there has been a lot of history to catch up on.”

“I watch TV and cruise the database every day,” answered Patton, testily. “In case you have not noticed, I have been busy making history in the present.”

“Who would you choose as your running mate, and how much would he or she participate in important decisions?”

“Your implication is correct that I will need a good number
-
two man. I have asked Hero of the Legion
,
Major Manny Lopez
,
to be my running mate. You all know of Major Lopez. There has been previous speculation about Manny Lopez running for President, before he was demoted for political considerations and exiled to New Colorado. Now the time is right for Manny to be on the ticket.”

“Do you think Major Lopez can deliver Texas and the Hispanic vote?” asked Coen, specu
l
ating over the electoral numbers.

“Sometimes I hate the press, but I have always thought better of you, Phil. Major Lopez is a many
-
times
-
decorated Hero of the Legion who came up through the ranks. He is the real deal. Manny Lopez deserves this shot at higher office and will make a fine
v
ice-
p
resident.”